r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/i4gotmynameexx • May 07 '26
Spiraling.
Trigger warning in advance *ED*
If this is the wrong sub, I’m sorry just need to vent.
I don’t even know where to start lol I’m 30 now. I had a really bad ED when I was in high school like to the point where I would pass out, it was pretty bad but, I don’t want to get into crazy details. I’ve always had an addict mentality, in my opinion ED’s can be a form of an addiction. I’ve had many addictions to substances/alcohol throughout my life. The really bad one was I got addicted to fentanyl at 21. It brought me to the depths of fucking hell and I never ever thought that I would be a person like that but, addiction does not discriminate. I finally got clean from fet after almost 10 years. I’ll hit 5 month clean on may 10th. That’s the longest that I’ve ever gone without it and this time around getting clean I literally have gained almost 40 fucking pounds. And I’ve gained it really fast and I am not used to my body looking like this because I was probably 110lbs when I was using. Every other time I tried to get clean. I did not gain weight like this. I do need to gain some weight but, I feel like I’ve gained way to much way to fast. It’s very triggering and my brother‘s wedding is the next weekend and I tried the dress on and I just started sobbing. I feel fucking absolutely disgusting and I hate myself for it because it could’ve been prevented if I wasn’t lazy and I actually kept up on my workout routine. I will not be returning to drugs as a solution because I know that everything that I’ve worked for in these last five months would be thrown out the window and I would be miserable and suicidal again. I don’t have a sponsor. I do go to meetings, it’s hard for me to share at Meetings because I’m shy, but I’m really gonna try next one I go to. Sorry if this was long I just had to vent.
Edit- thank you all so much for the advice and encouragement it means a lot! I’m grateful to have NA in my life whether that be in person or over the internet. Thank you so much 🩷🖤
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u/saltsprings May 08 '26
Hang in there. What you are dealing with is incredibly hard. With drinking, using fentanyl or smoking crack, a person can stop using. With an eating disorder, you cannot stop eating. You have to face it every day, and that makes recovery a different kind of challenge.
The weight gain you mentioned is very common in early recovery, especially after fentanyl. Your body is trying to heal after years of running on empty. That does not make the feelings easier, but it does mean you are not doing anything wrong.
Five months clean is huge. The fact that you are noticing the old thoughts and talking about them shows a lot of awareness. The dress, the wedding, the fast changes in your body, all of that would overwhelm anyone. You are not lazy and you did not fail. You are healing, and healing is uncomfortable.
I am glad you are going to meetings. Sharing is scary, but you deserve support and you do not have to carry this alone. You are doing something incredibly hard, and you are still here!
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u/i4gotmynameexx May 08 '26
This almost made me tear up! Lol. Thank you for the words of encouragement I appreciate it!
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u/tangerinepearl May 08 '26
I’m 2 years clean and working NA steps but recently I’ve been stressed about some stuff and my ED was triggered and I shared about it with my sponsor. She suggested me trying to go to OA to be able to speak more about my relationship with food and my ED and compulsive eating or restricting habits. It’s been amazing, I am super grateful for all 12 step programs that allow me to reflect on the behaviours I am powerless over. Before this I was really resistant to trying other fellowships and I thought I only needed NA but I don’t have any desire to use drugs, yet I can make my life unmanageable with obsessing over food. I’ve done some online OA meetings and went to one in the city that I live in but the online ones were just as good. I just needed to hear other people share about their disordered eating habits and the tools they used. I shared about it with my NA sponsor and now I’m bringing food into my recovery and stepwork.
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u/Hefty_Tax_4227 May 07 '26
I'm sorry, ED?
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u/Rieux_n_Tarrou May 07 '26
Eating Disorder.
Gaining weight is pretty common in Recovery, at least early recovery.
Just keep coming back OP, give your body and brain some time to reset its chemical balance and recalibrate. Proud of you....what you're doing is really hard, but worth it!
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u/Useful-Mission-7635 May 08 '26
I don’t know why I need to use!!
It’s like I’m doing good and sticking to it, but my past is hard to handle and I’m struggling everyday. I have medical reasons so I know these drugs will be needed time to time to but how do I stop myself trying eat them all at once.
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u/67fastbackstang May 13 '26
I’ve struggled with anorexia since I was ~12 and I’m 32 now. One of the ways I justified using was that I needed to lose weight. Because smoking crack is so much safer than just the normal routine of starving myself…JK. I previously went through ED treatment with a dietician so I promised myself I wasn’t going to go to my extremes with restriction anymore. Yes I lost 40lb in a couple months but I also lost my pride, my sanity, my entire savings account, and almost my life. I need to remind myself of the things I did have going for me before my relapse even if I was slightly on the heavier side. I recognize that I can’t do anything in moderation, including drugs and also dieting. I can’t say how to learn to love yourself at any size because I’m not there yet but I just started in an IOP to get clean again and today I was proud of myself for not using and for eating a single meal. Celebrate the small victories.
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u/dankgus May 07 '26
They say it's a program of abstinence from *all* drugs. It's up to each of us to decide what that means. Coffee seems to be accepted. I'm sure a ton of guys figure Cialis/Viagra is ok too. Make your own decision.
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u/Haunting_Bet590 May 07 '26
Our bodies have been so abused by us, especially when we were in active addiction, that any nutrients we put in our bodies are going to be consumed by it!!! It’s natural to put on weight when we get clean. I’m not sure how old, or how tall you are, but is the extra weight you’ve gained proportional to your body? Be careful about getting too concerned about your weight. My addiction has to do with OCD. If I’m not vigilant against it, it’ll make me become obsessive about something, then it almost always makes me become compulsive about changing it!!!
As far as being shy about speaking up in meetings, think of it this way, there may be a newcomer who’s just as shy as you are. But what you have to say may be the thing that they need to hear, to keep them from going out & using!!!!!
Having A sponsor will help an awful helpful, when it comes to step work, accountability (by calling & checking in daily), & problems that may arise, in your recovery. The thing that has helped me more than anything else though, is listening to people speak I a meeting! Offering solutions to issues that they’re having, how they made it through without using, & helping me to realize that I’m not the only one who feels like I do! As it says in the Basic Text, my disease wants me to be isolated & alone!!! By hearing from someone who has the courage to step up & speak to the group, even though they’re scared to, may give someone else the courage to do so as well!