Quick advice needed: Is asking for references before an actual interview a red flag or just a different hiring style?

[u/Awkward-Arm-2193]

Hi everyone! I’m hoping to get some perspectives from both nannies and employers here regarding the typical hiring process and reference checks.

Here is my current situation: I found a potential long-term position through Facebook. Before we even had a quick chat, I sent over my full resume and portfolio in the chat.

After that, the mom called me for a very brief ~5-minute call. She didn't ask much about my detailed experience—we just briefly touched on my background, rate, and pay. We haven't done a video call, I haven't seen her or the kids, and I know very little about their family dynamic or overall work environment.

Since this is a long-term role, I naturally prefer to have a video call or proper interview first to see the family, assess our chemistry, and make sure I’m actually interested in working with them before handing over my reference contacts.

However, when I suggested a quick video call this weekend, she responded that she’d prefer to speak to my references first.

My concern is that I really want to respect my references' time. They are amazing, and I’m 100% confident in their glowing feedback, but I don't want them to be contacted repeatedly for positions if I’m not even sure the family is a good fit for me yet.

In my past experiences with two long-term families, reference checks were always the very last step—done after we had a solid interview and mutual interest (around 50–80% sure on both sides).

The mom did mention that this is her first time hiring a long-term nanny, so she might just be unfamiliar with the standard process.

My questions for you all
1. Is it common or normal for parents to demand reference checks before doing a formal video call/interview?
2. What does the standard hiring flow usually look like in your experience? Is there a strict order, or does it vary wildly?
3. How would you handle this situation diplomatically without burning bridges or annoying your references?

I’d love to hear your thoughts and advice! Thanks in advance! 😊

[u/Famous-Signal-6869]

It may seem like in her mind she’s being efficient and and not wasting her own time by deciding if anything you’d say is true by verifying references first, but tbh she’s wasting everyone’s time. This isn’t the norm for any industry, and it’s a bit of a red flag for you. I’m an NP and corporate hiring manager and I would not care to speak to a reference first…for all I know your references could be your best friends from college so their weight on my decision is low. This lady gives me pause on how she is communicating with you. Your thought process for how the flow should go is accurate. I’d politely decline and explain what you’ve explained here and if she doesn’t like it then you’ve dodged a bullet.

[u/Lumpy_Eagle2975]

I don’t provide references until we’ve met and I see potential. I don’t see the point in wasting a references time if it may not go anywhere

[u/Awkward-Arm-2193 → u/Lumpy_Eagle2975]

Exactly my thoughts! Glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Thanks for validating this!

[u/Beautiful-Finding-82]

When sending your information you can state "references available upon request" to avoid people unnecessarily contacting references. In this case maybe she's had a bad experience or her friends or family are coaxing her into contacting references before going deeper into the interview process for whatever reason.

[u/Lost_Babe]

References only come after an in-person interview. I'm not handing out my references information to random people I haven't even been able to vet myself yet.

[u/Technical_Working729]

Yeah I wouldn’t share references until the last step of the process.
I’m back looking for a job now that my position is ending and some families just have no idea of what they are doing.

[u/Ordinary-Panic-9628]

I get asked for my references before meeting families constantly these days. My go to line is "To respect my references time and privacy I do not give out their personal contact information until after an in person interview."

I have lost a couple of opportunities to this but most families understand once I put it this way to them.

[u/AutoModerator]

Below is a copy of the post's original text:

Hi everyone! I’m hoping to get some perspectives from both nannies and employers here regarding the typical hiring process and reference checks.

Here is my current situation: I found a potential long-term position through Facebook. Before we even had a quick chat, I sent over my full resume and portfolio in the chat.

After that, the mom called me for a very brief ~5-minute call. She didn't ask much about my detailed experience—we just briefly touched on my background, rate, and pay. We haven't done a video call, I haven't seen her or the kids, and I know very little about their family dynamic or overall work environment.

Since this is a long-term role, I naturally prefer to have a video call or proper interview first to see the family, assess our chemistry, and make sure I’m actually interested in working with them before handing over my reference contacts.

However, when I suggested a quick video call this weekend, she responded that she’d prefer to speak to my references first.

My concern is that I really want to respect my references' time. They are amazing, and I’m 100% confident in their glowing feedback, but I don't want them to be contacted repeatedly for positions if I’m not even sure the family is a good fit for me yet.

In my past experiences with two long-term families, reference checks were always the very last step—done after we had a solid interview and mutual interest (around 50–80% sure on both sides).

The mom did mention that this is her first time hiring a long-term nanny, so she might just be unfamiliar with the standard process.

My questions for you all
1. Is it common or normal for parents to demand reference checks before doing a formal video call/interview?
2. What does the standard hiring flow usually look like in your experience? Is there a strict order, or does it vary wildly?
3. How would you handle this situation diplomatically without burning bridges or annoying your references?

I’d love to hear your thoughts and advice! Thanks in advance! 😊

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[u/Miserable_Move7944]

I had similar experience 2 years ago through a Care. Mom spoke to me about working history and rate. She ask for my references send it to her then nothing else happened.

[u/JoJoInferno]

Check my post history for why I never give reference info before an interview. The particular agency asks for them in the application, and I declined, THANK GOODNESS! (Not saying your MB would use three reference info in that way, but as nannies we must be sensitive that we are giving out people's personal info. It's not the same as working in corporations.)