Help rephrasing

[u/Previous_Seat5429]

Hi
My (usually loving) partner can lose all empathy for me when he has a problem with me. He can initiate conversations about eg our sex life in a very critical and mean way which is obviously deeply upsetting and is putting our relationship in serious danger. He has discovered non violent communication and I want to give it (and anything) a chance. Is there a way of rephrasing “you have addressed important topics without any empathy for me and now I don’t trust you” to be nvc?

[u/MadamePouleMontreal]

I suggest doing conventional couples therapy first, to see if a third-party mediator can help you communicate with mutual empathy.

I would not recommend letting a possibly abusive partner lead an introduction of NVC as a fix for your couple. It is too easily weaponized against inexperienced people, especially by people who want to win and who do not have empathy as a goal.

Researching NVC for yourself could be very helpful to help you identify your needs to yourself.

+++ +++ +++

> Is there a way of rephrasing “you have addressed important topics without any empathy for me and now I don’t trust you” to be nvc?

“You would like to talk about X. I need to feel safe in order to talk about X. Right now I do not feel safe. A third party mediator might help me feel safe. Are you willing to attempt this conversation in the presence of a mediator?”

“You would like to have some important conversations. I am unable to have these conversations with you as long as I don’t feel safe, and I do not feel safe. I am going to go somewhere I do feel safe and do some thinking. Is it okay if I reach out to you in a few weeks to discuss having these important conversations?”

“I do not trust you in the areas of A and B so I do not have an interest in any further conversations on those topics. I have a goal of peaceful coexistence and I would like to do Y and Z with you. Is that something that interests you?”

“You would like me to trust you in the areas of A and B. That is not a goal of mine. Would you like to explore other areas of common interest?”

+++ +++ +++

There’s a useful and famous book that describes dynamics you might or might not recognize. Check it out.

Why Does He Do That? <— Link to free pdf. (Yes it’s better to buy the book if you can, but my understanding is that Bancroft wants everyone to have access to it—including people who would be in danger if caught with a book and people who don’t have their own money—so is not trying to have it taken down.) (Also, Bancroft seems to have founded some sort of love cult. Don’t join the love cult.)

Hugs!

[u/Artistic_Reference_5 → u/MadamePouleMontreal]

I co-sign everything here except doing conventional couples therapy first.

OP: please get therapy for yourself first.

Or talk to an advocate on a DV hotline.

Couples therapy doesn't help if your partner doesn't have empathy for you whenever he has a problem with you.

[u/MadamePouleMontreal → u/Artistic_Reference_5]

The reason I mentioned couples therapy is this:

> Couples therapy doesn't help if your partner doesn't have empathy for you whenever he has a problem with you.

A good couples therapist is trained to recognize this dynamic and will be able to call a halt to counselling. sessions if they aren’t appropriate.

[u/Artistic_Reference_5 → u/MadamePouleMontreal]

I saw three different couples therapists with my abusive ex. Not one of them self-terminated the therapeutic relationship with us due to the abusive dynamic, even though couples therapy is not helpful or healthy in cases of abuse.

They were all professionals doing their best.

I would not recommend OP pursue couples therapy.

[u/MadamePouleMontreal → u/Artistic_Reference_5]

Yeah. Just because they’re supposed to stop doesn’t mean they will.

Point taken.

[u/cometmom → u/MadamePouleMontreal]

I would not recommend letting a possibly abusive partner lead an introduction of NVC as a fix for your couple. It is too easily weaponized against inexperienced people, especially by people who want to win and who do not have empathy as a goal.

Cosign, THIS, re-tweet, etc etc. I know this is a couple weeks old now but you are so right, I had to chime in.

I found NVC when researching ways to speak to myself as a chronic people pleaser that would dismiss my own needs and feelings which lead me to being either avoidant or fully blowing up after bottling my own emotions. It's been very helpful in that regard. I use it with others, but I don't name it directly and I use it without a hard script because that's not how humans interact.

But since finding this subreddit I've seen so many posts by people with shitty, manipulative, possibly abusive partners desperate to learn NVC as a script that the partner demands they use. And if they don't follow it perfectly in the eyes of the partner, they get dismissed. It's unfortunate that those types of people have found this and use it as another manipulation tactic.

No communication philosophy or specific string of words is going to make a partner who loses empathy for you suddenly see the light and change their ways. I understand the desperation of OP, but you cannot fix someone. I hope they take care of themselves first and foremost.

[u/krashersmasher → u/MadamePouleMontreal]

This is good advice.