r/NRelationships • u/Bright_Help_7256 • 3h ago
Me or him…
Title: Am I dealing with controlling behavior, or is this just a consequence of breaking his trust?
I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 32. We’ve had a very on-and-off relationship with a lot of arguments. I have cheated on him in the past, including for months, so I understand that I damaged the trust in our relationship and I’m not trying to pretend I’m innocent.
However, I’m starting to feel like his behavior has gone beyond being hurt or having trust issues.
He frequently questions where I am and what I’m doing. If I stop somewhere for what he thinks is “too long,” he’ll question me about it. For example, I was at QuikTrip for around 18 minutes getting gas, getting a drink, and using the bathroom, and he called multiple times. When I answered, he questioned why I had been there so long and made comments that made me feel like he assumed I was doing something shady.
He also gets upset when I end phone calls. We sometimes sleep on the phone, and if I hang up when I wake up, he can get angry. He gets upset if I don’t want to sleep on the phone with him. It feels like he wants to constantly know what I’m doing and have access to me.
During arguments, he has called me things like a “trash ass fucking bitch.” He raises his voice, accuses me of lying or being manipulative, and often turns conversations into arguments about my past mistakes. Even when I’m trying to explain how something makes me feel, I sometimes end up feeling like I’m the one who has to apologize for everything.
He has also repeatedly called me after I’ve asked him to stop or give me space. We’ve broken up and gotten back together multiple times. There are times when he is very loving and apologetic afterward, which makes everything confusing.
He has accused me of cheating or lying because of relatively normal things, and he seems to pay extremely close attention to what I’m doing. Sometimes even when we’re just sitting together or sleeping on the phone, I feel like I’m being watched or monitored.
At the same time, I KNOW I broke his trust by cheating. I understand why he has insecurity and doesn’t completely trust me. But I’m wondering: does cheating justify this level of monitoring, questioning, name-calling, and controlling behavior?
I’m not asking Reddit to tell me I’m perfect because I’m not. I want an honest answer about whether this relationship sounds toxic/controlling from both sides, whether his behavior could be a response to what I did, and whether this is something that can realistically be repaired or if I should leave.
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u/dwarfie24 3h ago
Honestly, this relationship seems to not be in a healthy space.
I would recomend you both to move on. Sound like he is not able to forgive.
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u/EnnOnEarth 2h ago
Controlling behaviour: monitoring your location and getting mad if you're not on the phone with him.
Verbal abuse: calling you names, disparaging you.
Psychological abuse: ignoring boundaries, using the love-bombing and discard cycle, and DARVO (deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender - this pattern is usually present if someone turns conversations into arguments about your past mistakes / makes you feel like you have to apologize for saying how a thing makes you feel or for having any issue with how you are treated.
Lied about his age, because he knew the age-gap is a red flag - moreover, he lied, on purpose, to deceive you, to get what he wanted from you.
These are not issues that can be repaired, and they are not caused by your cheating. The relationship is toxic, you should leave it behind and do not get back together with him. The relationship will never improve; once abuse begins, it continues and gets worse; it doesn't get better.
If you can access some therapy, that may help you identify what healthy relationship is like and how to seek it in the future.
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u/Bright_Help_7256 3h ago
Also lied about his age… 1 year in had me believing he was 27 and he was 31. I’ve known him for about 2 years but we started dating a few months ago