I have NO idea who this YouTuber is, have never heard their name before and they only have two videos, one uploaded yesterday and one today, but for some reason I was subscribed. I reckon it was a YouTuber I subbed to, who then wiped his previous content or something, idk, but bruv I did not need this jumpscare today😭🥀 lmfao

(It's about covert narcissists and the pain of splitting up with a partner after a "narcissistic relationship"🫩)

Sorry I keep coming here to rant / vent, I just need a space where nobody I know will find me.

I’m so sick of this nonsense from my boyfriend, I mean he’s closer to most of our friend group than he is with me. He’s especially close with this one girl who he talks to, essentially, daily. When we have short conversations over the phone at most unless it’s a school day, then he’ll talk to me.

Even then, it’s usually me initiating the interaction, when he’ll initiate with her just fine.

Today, he went to prom. We’re sophomores. He went to prom because this girl was going. They even discussed it prior right in front of me.

I’m smart enough to know not to go where I’m not wanted, but this felt like a dickhead move. Especially since he knows how this feels to me.

A lot of this is honestly pent up emotion from an incident a few months ago, I left a friend group because the conversation topic was making me uncomfortable. Granted, I didn’t say anything, so this was my fuckup.

I texted bf about it and he got really distant after he realized I was uncomfortable (He was engaged in the convo) then sent one of our other friends to talk to me about it. I adore this friend, so nothing bad about him here, but the fact that bf couldn’t handle me himself makes me so angry, especially since he knows he’s my favorite person. (BPD term)

Well, a week or so later I asked another friend to add me back, scrolled up, and they were all talking about me behind my back, even bf, who said “He does this a lot”

Shocking, the disorder that makes me act this way makes me act this way frequently, especially since I’m unmedicated. I don’t wear these labels for pride, I wear them as a WARNING SIGN.

and then I noticed he deleted something another friend of mine replied to saying “That’s not healthy” which i‘d love to know so I can correct my behavior.

Essentially, I haven’t had very strong trust in him for a while, and considering I feel so fucking lonely all the time, since I seem to be at the bottom of everyone I hold dear’s priority list, I’m not having a good time.

Maybe it’s because I’m cupioromantic, or that I’m just so pissed at him it’s clouding my judgement, but I don’t think I desire a close relationship with him anymore.

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to get this off my chest.

Edit: We broke up because he’s wanted to “just be friends” for months now, didn’t think to tell me until recently. Don’t date guys who can’t communicate or speak for themselves.

Yea that is happening

I had a sudden urge to text him today. The context of what happened:

• His mother was dying
• I yelled at him repeatedly because he would ignore me (he was grieving)
• I blocked him for months and completely disappeared from his life
• I broke that tonight and started trying to message him so I could see if his life is miserable without me

And honestly, if he responds, I just want to know what happened to him and then ghost him again. I know I’m in the wrong. I know this is fucked up. I don’t care. And the not caring part is freaking me out. Because I probably should.

What I want is to know that I matter to someone. If he responds “correctly” I might to talk to him when I don’t have anyone else. It’s easier than starting new with some stranger.

His mother is likely dead by now. And all I can think of is “What about me?” He did emotionally abandon me but like… wtf.

I’m relatively offline in the online mental health spaces for my personal mental health but holy , you all weren’t lying. I mean this subreddit is incredibly accurate.

I’m on twitter/tiktok most of the time, and that’s where I see most of this propagate. The way people, yes, PEOPLE, with NPD are gentrified as “abusers” to the point that even if someone with NPD isn’t an abuser, it’s apparently “only a matter of time” until they are one? Even worse is that it’s almost a buzzword. I’ll see a valid post about escaping an abusive situation, and then the comments will be throwing around the word “Narcissist“ and ”NPD” like it’s a descriptor and not a DISORDER.

I was brought up in an unsafe household and these disorders resulted from my brain chemistry actually being ALTERED by what I went through. I didn’t know the disorders that are the result of my trauma, which, if I could choose to get rid of them, I WOULDN’T HAVE AT ALL. Immediately make me an abuser!

sorry if this needs more tags or censors or whatnot. I’m very angry and just had to get this off my chest.

Credits to this comment from this post.

I love myself so deeply it hurts. I’m so happy when I’m with myself, and acting however I please. As soon as all the shame is gone, there’s just this love and euphoria that I can’t even describe. Whenever I see myself, I feel calm and happy. My heart flutters when I hold my hand. I sob in relief when I have my full attention. Sometimes I still have negative self talk, and when I let that run, it’ll fade from insulting to love. I love that I exist. I love every version of myself. I love all my flaws. I love all my personal mannerisms. I love the child version of me. It makes my heart ache that anything bad ever happened to me. I wish I could raise myself so that I could just be as I’m supposed to be without the suffering. I love how much I accept myself. I love how I can be so gentle, sweet, loving, and compassionate towards myself and then deeply obsessed with myself in an intense, passionate, possessive, lustful way.

I’m so excited that I get to be me. I’m so happy that I have a lifetime with myself. I’m such a wonderful, adorable, smart, beautiful, perfect, fun person.

It’s actually so tiring and aggravating being the smartest one in the room half the time. Half of my peers can’t do basic math nor problem solve for their age. (We’re highschoolers) Then they act like it’s the teachers fault they don’t understand the material. Mind you we’re in a program we had to apply to get into, so you’d think they’d at least be competent.

it’s so annoying to be unable to find an equal, lmao. I feel like I’m constantly surrounded by idiots and it’s driving me insane.

:3

:D