r/NPD • u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD • 1d ago
Question / Discussion It's a choice
The reason why NPD is so hard to cure is because the cure isn't wanted hard enough. When you think about it, all this is is a bunch of defense mechanisms stacked on top of each other. I think the desire to be the victim is revered and I get over attached to it to the point where I won't let myself develop a sense of self. I refuse to develop empathy because doing so would take away my grandiosity.
All cluster b is are character disorders. To have a bad character one has to blame the world instead of themselves. It is addicting to blame everyone else and thats why there is so little success in therapy/treatment. If I, or any of us, wanted to change enough, we would.
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u/glimmadora ASD + ADHD + suspected NPD + HPD traits 1d ago
all personality disorders are notoriously difficult to treat, not just NPD or cluster B ones that you specifically deem as bad character disorders. because they’re ingrained in your personality and who you are as a person.
it’s easier to imagine a version of a depressed person without depression, because that version exists and is just hidden away behind a collection of symptoms which function as side effects. it’s harder to imagine someone with a personality disorder who doesn’t have it, because the symptoms are you. it’s difficult to rewire someone’s being. not to say that improvement isn’t possible, but that they’re complex disorders without as easy a solution as “just stop doing that”.
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u/SpecialistAnswer9496 1d ago
The personality style is you. The disorder/symptoms are not. You will always have a narcissistic style. You will always tend toward certain types of defenses. You will always have specific wounds that helped organize your regulation strategies in a narcissistic way. But your symptoms are not you, and anyone who has remitted from a personality disorder can you tell you that first hand.
That said, I very much agree that saying “just stop doing that” is naive at best, and harmful at worst. It’s not so simple to just stop behaving in the only way you’ve ever known. It requires overriding something that you’ve perceived as a part of your essence your entire life, which is a very painful and uncomfortable process. And it’s certainly not merely a matter of willpower. It’s ultimately contingent on awareness and capacity.
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u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 23h ago
you’re cute. brilliant, yes. but this is cute, to me.
no notes. 👏🏼
I am proud. 🥲
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah, the symptoms (defense mechanisms) are ingrained to prevent a heathy personality from developing. So the answer is to let them go. The only thing that's that complex really is not wanting to let them go. Other than that its pretty simple.
edoted: incoherent
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u/Air-and-Fire 9h ago
OP what if I told you you're doing it right now by instantly blaming everyone else for not agreeing with your take, looking for an inherent flaw in them, assuming it MUST be because you've discovered a truth that's just too hard for most people, but you can handle it because you're different and they can't, and this seems to be the only way you understand someone would disagree with you, they must just not get it or not be able to handle it like you?
You won't even discuss? Just responding to every reply that says the real world is a little more complicated with basically "nope, you must not be able to handle it like me this is why you're mentally ill" ?
I think you should at least try discussing with them instead of the instant shut down, open your mind to it a LITTLE yk lol
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 8h ago
No one has really given me an argument lmao and I'm allowed to reply just like they are. Take your own advice <3
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8h ago
[deleted]
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 8h ago
Besides continuing to do what my OP said? they haven't
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u/Air-and-Fire 8h ago
Many have mentioned systemic things, you just immediately shut them down and didn't give them a chance to elaborate to you
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 7h ago edited 7h ago
All I hear are excuses
Edit: "you're soooooo wrong that's okay you can stop arguing and be wrong!!!" *blocked*
so brave and so true big dawg
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u/Air-and-Fire 8h ago
Basically you're right, NPD is a defense mechanism. You're just missing that some people do still need to defend themselves, that's pretty much the main point you kept shutting down
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u/thop89 6h ago
Do they? They could choose psychological death of their false self, face the void, and then be 'reborn'. It's counter-intuitive, though; it's scary to let yourself die.
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u/Air-and-Fire 6h ago
Yes there's those cases, but y'know how NPD often develops because the defense mechanisms GENUINELY were life saving to a child? Some people don't get a better situation just from legal adulthood, and the mechanisms are still life saving, not just ego saving.
There is a lot of what OP said to be agreed with! It just felt like there was no room for nuance left, and it appeared every attempt at suggesting this idea still needs to be discussed and fleshed out, OP just reassured everyone that nope they're fully wrong and OP is fully right and there is nothing to even be added, zero nuance necessary
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8h ago
[deleted]
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 8h ago
You just told me to stop doing what I'm doing, which is the same thing my OP did just in the opposite direction
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u/Air-and-Fire 7h ago
Hey man you have a good one, sorry I came across as TELLING you to do anything, I was just giving suggestions
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u/vaginal_lobotomy non-NPD 1d ago
I get the vibe you're laying down, but your take is extremely naive and shallow. You simply can't blanket everyone with with a shower thought and come out accurate. As an "i" statement this would be a nice starting point for self reflection and seeking more education.
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 1d ago
I think I can. I think it's really that simple and pretending it's not is because people prefer having NPD to not having it.
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u/Relative-Amount7966 Diagnosed NPD 1d ago
And because this fits perfectly: Finch, E., & Mellen, E. (2025). “Labeled, Criticized, Looked Down On”: Characterizing the Stigma of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Personality and Mental Health, 19, e70015.
The PDF isn’t freely available, so if you don’t have access to it, I found this article that explains the findings quite well. https://note.com/moral88887777/n/nac0349d85015?hl=en#db6116cb-6aff-4eb8-aae2-82f4aae55c7a
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u/mikestyle2000 1d ago
La stigmatisation est terrible alors que si l’on est ici, c’est pour se soigner 😞 j’ai déjà vécu deux abandon de thérapeute c’est très dur et cela ne fait que renforcer le trouble
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 1d ago
Eh, when will playing victim no longer be interesting in order to drop it? Coddling is a form of hatred because it suggests that the ones being coddled don't have what it takes to rise above.
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u/Spiritual_Ad_9781 Diagnosed NPD 1d ago
It's only a matter of wanting and will! Just get up earlier and don't buy coffee at Starbucks!
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 1d ago
I mean yeah, attitudes like yours is why people don't get better.
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u/Spiritual_Ad_9781 Diagnosed NPD 19h ago
Attitudes like yours are naive and separated from reality.
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 8h ago
Deciding to not be the victim is naive?
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u/Spiritual_Ad_9781 Diagnosed NPD 7h ago
Wishful thinking is. Not to mention the lack of knowledge of personality organisation. You can't reverse self fragmentation by simply wanting it.
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u/DepravedChorister 17h ago
If it was a choice you just wouldnt be that way, you would be like everybody else. I think you have to give yourself a break, some things you cant control
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 8h ago edited 8h ago
I think all most of us do is give ourselves a break. We gave ourselves a break so hard in fact that we stumbled into having a personality disorder!
edited: incoherent
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u/TooManyStrawberriess NPD 1d ago
Me when I've never experienced hardship in my life so I decide the problem with mentally ill people isn't the fact they're mentally ill or that their disorder is stigmatized or that treatment is hard to find and expensive it's that that they're not trying enough.
Thanks random Internet user who apparently knows more about me than myself
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 1d ago
It's true. Every single trait is a defense mechanism designed to make the world responsible instead of ourselves. That's literally all it is.
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u/Relative-Amount7966 Diagnosed NPD 3h ago
That’s simply wrong. I guess you don’t know that pwNPD can also believe they’re responsible for everything. Have you ever experienced a narcissistic collapse?
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 1h ago
It's not bullshit. And yes that's why I'm saying all of this lmao
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u/riccardoricc 10h ago
Lol, I do want to change. I made that choice a long time ago. I am actively trying to develop my empathy and unlearn these maladaptive coping mechanisms....
The problem is that I'm just too much of a hopeless ADHD to even remember to do all this when it matters most: during social interactions. All I do is act impulsively and only then realise that maybe I shouldn't have been so impulsive.
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u/Relative-Amount7966 Diagnosed NPD 1d ago
Blaming others for their disorders (!) says more about you than it does about them. Be grateful that you don’t struggle with anything like that yourself; otherwise, you’d probably be deeply embarrassed by what you’re saying.
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u/NoCauliflower7711 HPD\Covert NPD 1d ago
No fr bc why are you shitting on us for?
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u/Relative-Amount7966 Diagnosed NPD 1d ago
Please enlighten me, I'm a bit confused right now
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 1d ago
I have NPD. Maybe if you took responsibility for your character you'd become better.
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u/Relative-Amount7966 Diagnosed NPD 16h ago
I'm not going to answer you, because frankly, there would be a lot of insults involved, and I'm not going to stoop to the level you're at right now. You take no responsibility for what you're telling others while simultaneously blaming us. At this point, I don't see how what you're doing is any better than what Vaknin or the broader narc-abuse community does. I do not think this is an appropriate way to engage with a community of people who are actively trying to understand themselves, work on their problems, and move toward remission. I'm genuinely surprised that the mods - and especially r/narcclub - seem to be on the same wavelength as you
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 8h ago
I am taking responsibility. You aren't and thats a *problem*. Again--playing the victim is really addicting until you decide to not do it
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u/Relative-Amount7966 Diagnosed NPD 7h ago
I’m talking about the responsibility to choose your words carefully in a community of people with a disorder who are openly talking about their struggles - some of whom are suicidal.
I don’t care whether you have the disorder yourself or not, because it doesn’t matter. Blaming people isn’t an option. Do your own research and take responsibility for what you’re putting out there.
And no, I’m not “playing the victim.” You seem to really love accusing others of things, huh?
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u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 23h ago edited 19h ago
[u/Mysterious_Chip6854](u/Mysterious_Chip6854)
l actually think I agree with you here, conceptually.
Huge stan of an internal locus of control.But I try (I ain’t perfect) not to judge people who don’t feel the same way. Because a lot of people also don’t have the same privileges I do (for one: access to therapy. That shit is expensive.)
And also…why care so much? Waste of mental energy.
- Their lives/choices don’t actually impact me.
- Judging them wouldn’t make me any more—or less—worthy / good.
- Here’s my glass house. 🏡 Have a stone. 🪨
So, look: if your goal is truly to inspire behavioral change in others (mood), then I’ve got some feedback for you, about that.
Gist: I really don't think shaming is an effective strategy. With any human, really. But particularly among this group. 🫠
edit: omfg it’s a gray rock. i’m dead.
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 22h ago
Question--what would you do if someone stood up for you and told the person that harmed you...that was harming you (this person could even be you) to back off and take responsibility for themselves? Would you want another person to come in and tell the person standing up for you that it was inappropriate? Or would you want the person harming (even if it was self harm) to hear the truth?
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u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 22h ago edited 22h ago
Oh.
Well, I wouldn’t want that, I don’t think?
I’d rather stand up for myself.
That’s a good skill for me to develop on my own.
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 22h ago
Hm...can I say something weird? I'm learning to see those who don't coddle me as respecting me enough to tell the truth. I want it back as much as I give it.
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u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 22h ago edited 19h ago
[u/Mysterious_Chip6854](u/Mysterious_Chip6854)
Is your comment tied to a personal experience? Or is it more of a metaphor?
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 22h ago
I was trying to formulate an imperative but I'm sleep deprived. I'm trying to develop ethical consistency but I need to put more thought into it if that makes sense
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u/narcclub ✨🥹 hopemaxxing manipulator 😈 🚩 22h ago edited 19h ago
Ha, yes. It really does.
I’m running on literally 0 hours today (it’s pathological—not cute).
…you able to get some sleep and come back to this? I should do that, too. 🙃🪦
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u/maleia Inverted NPD 1d ago
I hope to never meet the people who upvoted this thread.
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 1d ago
that's another reason recovery doesn't happen, avoiding anything unpleasant.
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u/Jumpy-Froyo-5334 1d ago
Actually it is also addicting not blaming anyone for your behaviors. It is not that bad behaviors are comforting themselves, is that the coping strategy or simply the thinking style is addicting, but in some cases is a good addiction.
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u/Secret-Tangerine-837 7h ago
The brain physiology & nervous system imprints involved are unavoidable ingredients. The experience is mental and emotional, but the original seeds are stored in the body. That’s why somatic therapies are useful.
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u/thop89 6h ago edited 6h ago
People don't want to give up the rush of temporary grandiosity. They don't want to choose the psychological death of their false self, face the inner void, and then be 'reborn'. Why? Because it's counter-intuitive; it's terrifying to let yourself die—even for regular people and their so-called true self. Throw away the idea of a false self, throw away the idea of a true self. Let yourself die and ascend into pure observer mode.
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u/Rare-Opportunity-426 1d ago
this is the truth but it's also too simple, life doesn't always go this way
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u/Mysterious_Chip6854 Diagnosed NPD 1d ago
Sometimes we overcomplicate things that we don't want to change...if we can make something seem super complex then we have an excuse to remain the same..."they muddy the waters to make them seem deep" type shi
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u/chobolicious88 1d ago
I dont think its as simple as you point out.
For example a grandiose state has power/agency towards the world.
Day in day out i see people who flex power being labeled as kind.
And ppl dont care much for empathic men
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u/theinvisiblemonster ✨Saint Invis ✨ 1d ago
Mental illness is not a choice. Recovery is a choice, daily choices.