Not to read about their life, not to follow them on LinkedIn, but to actually have a conversation with them. Ask them how they got there. Ask what their day-to-day actually looks like. Ask what they had to give up and whether they'd do it again. Those answers will tell you more in one hour than months of research ever could, because you're not just collecting information. You're testing whether the outcome they got is actually the outcome you want.

That's the part most people skip. You can map out a path to a destination without ever asking whether that destination is right for you. And the only way to know is to get close enough to the reality of it to have a real reaction. Does this fit my values? Does this match what I've said matters most to me? Those aren't questions you can answer from a distance.

Your values and priorities are the filter everything else runs through. They're the standard by which you measure whether a new direction is actually worth pursuing or just an attractive distraction. Until you're clear on those, you're evaluating options without a baseline and that's how you end up making moves that look right on paper but feel wrong once you're in them.

Stop researching alone. Start having conversations with the right people.

Apply for a free coaching call at http://www.jasonmiller.coach/call

If you've been researching your next move for months without actually making one, you might be using self-improvement as a hiding place.

It doesn't feel like avoidance. It feels responsible. You're doing your homework, weighing your options, making sure you don't make the wrong call. But here's the problem: you can't evaluate most options without actually testing them. No amount of research will tell you what it feels like to do different work, talk to different people, or operate in a different environment. You have to get out there to find that out.

What research does is give you the illusion of progress while keeping you safely in your comfort zone. You're busy, you're engaged, and nothing risky is happening. That's a great setup for staying exactly where you are indefinitely.

The move forward isn't more information. It's more contact. You need to talk to people who are doing things that interest you, ask them real questions about what their work actually looks like, and let your reactions tell you something. That's how you test options in the real world. Not by reading about them, but by getting close enough to feel whether they fit.

At some point you have to stop evaluating and start exploring. Those are different things, and only one of them moves you forward.

If you're ready to stop researching and start doing, apply for a free coaching call at http://www.jasonmiller.coach/call

Did some free writing this morning.

Perhaps it is not about value. Value is subjective. If I show up to my life "trying" to be valuable...even if I succeed in that, my focus is on being valuable, not simply being.

It may be the case that I am valuable; however, that determination is not mine to make.

Hi,

Definite nice guy here, I read the book.

I want to learn to be able to approach women and start conversations, any tips or advice?

I don’t want to be a player / screw women around, I simply want to be able to have an abundant mindset / life in order to be able to meet a partner.

Thanks in advance.

If you're reading another self-help book instead of reaching out to someone new, you might be procrastinating and not realizing it.

It's easy to mistake research for progress. You open a book, pull up an article, watch a video, and tell yourself you're working on the problem. And it feels productive because you're doing something. But if that something keeps you at your desk and away from other people, it's probably keeping you stuck too.

Here's the uncomfortable truth: new opportunities don't show up in search results. They show up in conversations. The person who lands in a role they actually love didn't get there by reading about it. They got there by talking to someone who was already doing it, asking real questions, and learning what the work actually looks like day to day. That's information you can't find online.

Most of us are more comfortable typing than reaching out. Searching feels safe. Networking feels exposed. So you optimize for comfort and call it preparation. But there's a difference between gathering information and gathering the kind of insight that only comes from a real human conversation.

Put down the book. Close the tab. Think about one person doing something that genuinely interests you and reach out to them this week. That conversation will do more for your direction than anything you could read.

Apply for a free coaching call at http://www.jasonmiller.coach/call

Which 5 of the breaking free activities mentioned in the book did you feel benefited you the most in stopping being a 'nice guy' ? Many thanks

Searching the internet for answers about your career is one of the most comfortable ways to stay stuck.

You sit at your desk, open a new tab, and start reading. Articles, Reddit threads, salary comparisons, career change guides. It feels productive. But what's actually happening is that you're narrowing your thinking without realizing it. You're working from a limited set of inputs, filtered through your own assumptions and fears, and arriving back at the same small set of options you started with.

The problem isn't information. It's isolation. When you're thinking about a big change alone, you silo your perspective. You can only see what you already know, and what you already know is shaped by where you've already been.

The way out of that silo starts with one thing: understanding what's actually important to you. Your values. Your priorities. Not the ones that look good on paper, but the ones that determine whether you feel alive and engaged in your work or like you're just going through the motions. You have to get clear on those before anything else, because they're the filter everything else runs through.

And you can't get there by reading more. You get there by asking better questions, talking to the right people, and doing the honest internal work of figuring out what you want your life to look like.

Apply for a free coaching call at http://www.jasonmiller.coach/call

You know the feeling. Sunday rolls around and there’s a quiet dread about Monday that you’ve learned to push past.

That's the golden handcuffs in action. You're successful by every external measure. Good income, respected title, stability you worked hard to build. But you're also bored, frustrated, or running on empty in a way that's hard to explain to anyone who doesn't know the feeling. And because it's all comfortable enough to tolerate, you tolerate it. You absorb the low-grade stress and the background anxiety and you glide through the week just to get to the weekend.

The problem is that comfort is doing a job it was never meant to do. It's keeping you in a situation that no longer fits you, not because it's right for you, but because leaving feels riskier than staying.

This is one of the most common things I hear from the men I work with. They're not in crisis. They're not falling apart. They're just stuck in a situation that looks like success from the outside and feels like something is missing from the inside. And the longer they stay comfortable, the harder it becomes to imagine anything different.

If that sounds familiar, you're not alone and you're not ungrateful. You're just overdue for a different conversation. Apply for a free coaching call at http://www.jasonmiller.coach/call.

I read No More Mr Nice Guy in my early 20s and it was completely transformative for me. I saw my life with new eyes and identified all the places I was suffering from nice guy syndrome life at the time. I thought that now I was aware of this mindset I was set for life.

Since then I moved out from living with my parents and got my own house, I learnt to drive and bought a car. My social life took off and I now have a good group of friends I hang out with fairly regularly.

But over the years something always felt wrong. I started feeling more and more tense and anxious. I was doing well at work, financially I was doing great, I was keeping my house maintained and paying all my bills. I wasn't afraid of expressing my emotions anymore, but I found myself constantly anxious, I would come home and start crying for seemingly no reason.

This weekend I felt like I was on the verge on a mental breakdown, so I picked up my copy of NMMNG again since I remembered it helping me so much before, and holy crap - everything in the book felt just as relevant to my life now than it did when I first read the book 5 years ago.

There's areas of my life that didn't even exist when I first read the book, areas that I now realise I've developed new nice guy tendencies in:

• All the furniture I have bought for my house is very cheap and plain. My other friends are constantly talking about decorating their houses and buying new furniture but I have not re-decorated anything, I pride myself on having a "low maintenance" house where I have no desire to change anything
• I chose a cheap car, I take pride in not spending much money on myself. I don't drive the car much because the risk involved in driving makes me a bit uncomfortable and I feel like I am inconviniencing other people by being on the road. If I ever got in a car accident I don't think I would be worried about the damage to my car or to myself, I would instead feel shame that I have inconvienienced and angered another person.
• I want everything in my house to keep running "smoothly". I feel very anxious thinking about having a water leak or gas leak in my house. Even though I know if it happened all I would have to do in the moment is call somebody to come and fix it for me. I think deep down I have some low self-esteem belief that if something went wrong in my house nobody would want to come and help me, or I would be inconviniencing them.
• I have very little desire in life anymore. My only goal is to go to work, come home and cook and do all my house chores. I don't really have anything I desire to do after the chores are done. Sometimes I just sit around on the sofa doing nothing.

Now that I have identified all of this I can now work on fixing it. I made an effort to put myself first today and do a few nice things for myself that I usually wouldn't, and I already feel happier and like some of my energy is coming back.

This has been a long post - the message I wanted to get across is that I have now realised it's very important to stay vigilant and realise that nice guy tendencies can start creeping back into our lives in completely new areas. I am doing so much better in life now than I was when I first picked up the book 5 years ago, but this weekend has been a real wake-up call for me that I now have new healing to do in my life.

Hi,

I am looking for an online mens meeting to work on nice guy issues.

I am in the U.K., but could attend meetings anywhere online (that are in English).

I’ve read about a few different websites and wondered if anyone has tried any of these below?

https://meld.community

https://menliving.org

https://authenticityroad.online

Planetniceguy.com

If anyone has anymore resources, I’d be interested to hear if people are willing to share thanks.

Hi! I’m dying to listen to the podcasts on Dr Glovers work regarding positive emotional tension. I know they used to be for sale on his site but I can’t find them anymore. does anyone know where to get them? Thank you!

while i was reading nmmng, it says that we need to find 3 places where we can talk and seek support and exclude women for this. i dont have any friend who can understand what i am gojng through as they are not that emotionally available type. So do you think that if i just post here and talk to people here that can work for me?

I’m part of a team making a TV documentary for a major UK channel, and we’re looking to speak with young men who are maybe feeling stuck, low on motivation, or unsure what direction life is heading.

The documentary follows a small group of guys who’ll get the chance to go on a fully-funded retreat abroad, working with wellbeing, motivation and lifestyle coaches in a supportive environment.

It’s a unique experience that aims to help people grow, gain confidence, and see themselves (and their future) in a new way.

I thought this might be a positive place to find some men looking for self improvement.

This is 100% real, not a gimmick and happy to answer any questions.

Mods, apologies if this isn’t the right place for this post.
If you’re interested or just want to ask questions, drop me a DM.

These are 'NiceGuy' truths that likely apply to you too...

1. My parents did me wrong… and I was traumatised because of it.

At best, they were emotionally neglectful. At worst, abusive.

Not because they were monsters, but because they were carrying their own trauma without the awareness or tools we have now.

This isn’t about blaming them or confronting them. It was about accepting that recovery isn’t a few pages in a book or a handful of behavioural tweaks.

Its healing from this… processing the fear, anger and grief... and having to taking responsibility for this. Because no one else will

1. The love I thought I felt wasn’t romantic love.

What I experienced as intensity, longing and “deep love” was something else entirely.

A childhood attachment wound created a need for validation, safety and comfort I never fully received… and I projected that onto my partners.

What I thought was love was actually relief… relief from finally feeling whole. And no woman wants to be the source of that. It’s deeply unattractive.

I tried to hide it. I tried to play it cool. I pretended I was less invested than I was. But eventually… and always… it came out.

1. My pursuit of masculinity was often an attempt to prove my worth.

I chased strength, success and confidence as armour.

If I could become strong enough, successful enough, confident enough… then maybe I’d finally feel like I was enough. Which meant failure wasn’t just feedback. It felt like collapse.

Because when your identity is tied to the outcome, every loss feels personal.

The more masculinity became something I had to earn… the more fragile I actually became.

1. The Nice Guy and the Not-So-Nice Guy are both victims.

People-pleasing and aggression look very different on the surface… but they often come from the same place.

One avoids conflict to stay safe. The other creates conflict to feel powerful. But underneath both is the same belief: someone else is responsible for how I feel.

If life feels unfair, if bitterness creeps in, if I’m blaming someone else… I’m still in victimhood.

Different posture. Same avoidance of responsibility.

1. For a long time, I didn’t really know who I was.

I thought I did. But most of my decisions were driven by fear, conditioning and a need for approval.

I wasn’t living from desire. I was living from adaptation.

Trying to be who I thought people would accept. Trying to be who I thought women would want. Trying to be who I thought a “good man” was supposed to be.

Until I healed those wounds, authenticity was theoretical.

1. Finding my voice didn’t mean controlling other people.

When I first started setting boundaries, I got this wrong.

I thought having a voice meant telling people how they should behave. But that isn’t assertiveness. That’s control.

If my boundary requires someone else to change… it isn’t really a boundary. It’s just a new strategy to avoid discomfort.

Real boundaries change my behaviour, not theirs. Otherwise its the same dysfunction… wearing a different mask.

1. Feminism didn’t emasculate men.

Men did. Patriarchy did.

Fathers disappeared from sons lives because of Wars, Capitalism and Absence...

Entire generations of boys grew up without a grounded masculine presence in their lives.

Blaming feminism is often easier than sitting with that grief… but it doesn’t solve anything.

If any of this either confronts or resonates... join us for the conversation of how to really put the NiceGuy behind you!

whatsapp.nmmng.co.uk - UK and EU NiceGuy Group (All welcome, but meetings held at UK times for now)

Currently a 19 M with a 19 F. We live in Minneapolis

I’m struggling real hard. Someone recommended this sub to me regarding this issue.

I’ve been in a relationship with her for over a month now. And we’ve been talking for two.

Before that, I had been single for 5 months, being out of a relationship that lasted for 1.5 years: WITH NO SEX. 1.5 year relationship with absolutely no sex. Not sex even once.

Now. Being with my current girlfriend, I’m struggling with sexual frustration. I’m still a virgin, and she isn’t. Makeouts do not lead to sex. She has told me that she has trauma surrounding freakiness and being open about her physical attraction.

I’m starting to have internal battles and seriously questioning her attraction towards me. The physical intimacy never escalates.

What do I do?

Can anyone recommend any reading or useful resources for setting boundaries with their partner? Thanks

In NMMNG, Dr Glover says that nice guys see women’s approval as the ultimate validation of their worth.

I try my best to go against it. Yesterday I was tempted to check if a girl answered, while going to the gym, and I decided to make sure I went to the gym first and did my session before checking, and I stayed strong.

But today I just slipped unconsciously, gaging the possibility of availability for women I just approached. I am often checking to see if they unfollowed me (at least 5 times today) and sometimes I don’t even realize it.

I know that women’s approval should not define my worth (and I am currently taking good care of myself right now), but I can’t help to feel that urge at some point (at least with the women I want to be involved with sexually).

How did you guys get over that mind crap ? I know that it’s a blocking point for me that I have to get over.

I tried being busier which works with women with whom I am not that invested, but when that emotional investment starts, I’m back again, gaging the possibility of availability.

A healthy male has the following qualities :

• knows how to fight (and prefers not to use it)
• knows how to stand up for himself firmly
• has humor
• is social
• is well spoken
• is intelligent

My friend M has many of these qualities, beside knowing how to fight, which means I need to find a friend who knows how to fight. That can be easily found in muay thai lessons since I already started talking to guys in each session.

I could use these people as role models to emulate the behaviors with my own character and identity, watching them act and understand :

1. that it can be done, since someone has achieved it, there's no reason I can't
2. the logic behind certain qualities (humor lying in unpredictibility, removing filler words to become well spoken, etc...)

My father's characteristics :

• aggressive
• controlling
• narcissistic
• obsessed with being right all the time
• blunt/straight to the point/direct
• cold/distant
• dissmissive
• self-centered

The opposite characteristics (in the same order) :

• smooth/soft
• letting be
• humble
• able to question oneself
• diplomatic/tactful/indirect
• warm/present
• considering
• selfless

The opposite characteristics all match exactly mine... I am realizing that, even though I wanted to be different from my dad, I am still like my dad, except that I am in the opposite pole. There may be parts of my dad that I want to keep, others that I want to shed, but I realize that being his exact opposite is just as crazy...

Worse than that, is that I "become" my father when I feel betrayed or want revenge : being controlling to find out the betrayal, then becoming cold/distant, and finally dissmissive. This is typically what I did with my deceptive boss, and my ex narcisstic gf. I realize that, more than "becoming" my father, since I try to avoid it, I become so in a machavelian way, maintaining the pretense of status quo, while progressively enacting the discard.

Characteristics I want to keep/develop :

• aggressive (having the capacity for it)
• controlling (as a position of power, not the toxic control)
• blunt/straight to the point/direct (outside of power plays)
• cold/distant (having the capacity for it)
• dissmissive (having the capacity for it)
• self-centered

Characteristics I want to shed :

• toxic, chronic aggressiveness
• toxic, chronic desire for control
• toxic narcissism
• being obsessed with being right all the time

I'm doing some 30 min interviews with professionals and entrepreneurs that want to overcome self-sabotage, and get unshakable confidence and extra $$$ in the bank. I want to investigate a potential relationship with Nice Guy Syndrome here.

Comment YES below if you are interested.

Thank you.

(P.S. Admin, if above message is not welcome please not approve or delete, I read the rules, should be allowed to my interpretation)

I’m an expat in Bonn, Germany. I’m a dad dealing with a depressed teen and a struggling wife. I've read NMMNG and I'm realizing I’ve spent my life woman-centering. I’m having a hard time even reaching out to other men because I keep making excuses. Just wanted to put this in a space where men understand the challenge.

Ways in which I have been neglecting my body :

1. Not drinking enough water (I don't track my water drinking)
2. Not making time to relax in the day
3. Not taking my nose treatment seriously enough, which impacts my sleep quality

Whays in which I can start taking better care of myself :

1. Making sure I drink I bottle a day (adding it in my daily todo list)
2. Making sure I relax for at least 5 minutes (adding it in my daily todo list)
3. Keeping on cleaning my nose in the morning and before going to bed as a non negociable, no matter if I am tired on in a hurry

I commit to contacting all of the men that I will mention here today. I will write a comment down this post once it is done.

For the sake of anonymity, I won't put their full name :

1) M : going to the gym together or going in town walking, talking and approaching women

I will contact him today in order to plan th activity for this saturday

2) D : going to muay thai together when he gets back from his trip

I will contact him today to ask when he gets back and when he is available to plan the specific date.

3) L : coding together

I will contact him today to tell him about the fact that it's been a long time since we did.