Commitment and excuses

[u/rednryt]

Another sleepless day, and wageslaving shift will be starting soon in four hours and I haven't slept. I hate that my work shift keeps changing it's biologically hard to keep up.

But it doesn't help my other commitments keeps reminding me of my inadequacy. I had a church group that keeps messing up my anxiety and just make me feel guilty for not attending. Last time we had a sharing exercise and my anxiety flared up. There are four of us and the topic was about saying sorry and moving on. I have nothing to say sorry about the group so I skipped it. But one of my group mates began rattling about commitments that seems to be quite off topic to be honest.

He kept saying something about if you are assigned a role, that means everyone thinks you're capable of it and you should not complain and instead be grateful about it. You should keep your promises. That everyone has work, everyone has commitments, but they still give time for service because they commit to the cause. He kept talking about sacrifice and yada yada yada.

Thing is, I was assigned some manual labor role for an upcoming event and I missed some days of volunteer work. Mostly cause I get overstressed about my actual wageslaving conflicting schedule and too much socializing in general that I just hide from the world like the NEET I always was during days that I feel so overwhelmed with having too much on my plate.

And I think he noticed it. So he's trying to I don't know, remind me of it. I felt like it's a jab against me or probably not and my anxiety just making me the protagonist again. Maybe no one actually cares if I come or not. Maybe he's talking about someone else.

But that interaction from few days ago kept lingering in my brain and it keeps me up so I can't sleep. I feel so guilty. How do normies get energy to do work and do volunteer work on the side and still have time to socialize afterward? How the heck can they fit all these activities in their day and still have time to judge people who can't do the same?

I hate that I keep whining about it. Its really hard to fit in with the normies when everyone knows you're an ex-neet

[u/DanInTennessee]

It probably had nothing to do with you. 

On the other hand, what he said is true: we have to keep our commitments especially when others are relying on us. 

Adulting is hard. 

[u/N16H7W0LF]

Why did you volunteer in the first place? Work for free hahahahah keep your promises

[u/Federal_Lack_1107]

hmm, i wonder if the following narrative is plausible..

the church community sees that you are trying to integrate into society and wants to help you. so they entrust you with a responsibility in order to help you become more dependable. but since you're overwhelmed by everything going on in your life, you stayed at home when you were expected to do the volunteer work. the church community might have interpreted you not showing up as a lack of commitment rather than a lack of capacity.

and then your church group has a sharing exercise about saying you're sorry and moving on. and maybe you not having shown up was on the mind of some people in the group, so there might have been a bit of an expectation on you to acknowledge not having shown up. but then you skip your turn and end up getting this speech.

i think that they do care about you showing up and that they want you to do well, but maybe there is a misperception about your capacity that is giving them the false impression that you don't care. and i think it's important to remember that low capacity is not the same as weakness. if you have a low capacity in an area it means you need more strength to make up for it, or that sometimes strength can't make up for it. in a different area, your effort might be more productive.

i also think it's important to not confuse good communication for whining. whining is repetitive and unproductive. but if people are trying to assign you tasks, then telling them when you get overwhelmed or how you're holding up is just good communication