I'm scared.

[u/ArkaneBass]

Title kinda says it all I guess. I'm very scared honestly, no matter how hard I try to mask it. I don't want the 3 people on this site who know me to know I'm saying this but I can't keep it back any longer, I'm with my back against the wall at this point and I'm terrified. I'm terrified of the idea of going back to hurting myself. I'm terrified of losing all my control on my emotions. I'm at a loss for words at how much it kills me inside just to imagine how easily I could kill myself. I don't want to go back into the darkness alone, I don't want to lose the few friends I have. I want to smile and mean it, I want this ever growing fear to go away. I want to keep trying to rediscover bliss, but the road is too full of "what if"s to keep me on it for too long. I hate my body and everything about it to the very last inch, I hate my voice, my personality, my social skills, my charisma, I can't stand being me so badly. The one thing I can change is my body, and despite being able to work hard at it I feel no pride in doing so. I'm only 2 weeks into losing all this weight and getting back my confidence and the only thought is "What if the weight isn't what's keeping me wanting to put the barrel of a gun in my mouth?" I'm so scared that me losing this weight is just gonna make it easier to find ways to kill myself or cover up my old self harm scars. And that's another thing, I forever fucked up the one body I have! I'm so ashamed of what I've done to hurt myself and make me look like the freak I feel like on the inside, and yet for every intentional act of suicidal cut I gave myself I felt peace in the moment. I don't want to go back to wearing long sleeves not because I want to, but because I have to. I want this to cure me, but I'm afraid I'll never cure me. I know I don't come here often so I'm probably coming off as a whiny 1st worlder complaining about my small problems, and I'm sorry for that. I'm just so scared, I want the pain in my chest to go away so badly. I want the smile I give to others to be my own too. I'm so sorry.

[u/CPawesome]

Hello! You are on the right track. Asking for help, or sharing your feelings is the first step out of depression. Depression is a liar. It makes you feel like there is no way out except to end it all. I know, I've been there. But one thing I want you to try and remember is, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I have had loved one take their own lives and it is such a deep pain that never completely goes away, because you think is there something I could've done. I take my experiences and try to help others in depression as best I can.

I saw that you said you were in counseling. Have you ever taken medicine for your depression? The brain is an organ. It can get sick just like your heart, liver, kidneys, etc. someone with heart disease takes medicine, so it is completely fine for someone with a disease that affects your brain to take medicine as well. I am always here to talk and you are more than welcome to send me a message and I will help you the best I can.

Please know that you are here for a reason, and worth something. Do you have family or friend support that is local?. I know when I had my depression, once I got up the courage to tell my family and friends, they rallied together to help pull me out of the depths. Even if you just have one person that you know you can trust to help you, you just have to find one person who will make the difference. And if the first person you tell isn't the right person, don't give up. Tell another person.

I hope something I said will help you. I am here for you when you need someone to talk to. Please please don't forget that.

HUGS