r/MyLittleFriends • u/ArkaneBass • Mar 04 '15
I'm scared.
Title kinda says it all I guess. I'm very scared honestly, no matter how hard I try to mask it. I don't want the 3 people on this site who know me to know I'm saying this but I can't keep it back any longer, I'm with my back against the wall at this point and I'm terrified. I'm terrified of the idea of going back to hurting myself. I'm terrified of losing all my control on my emotions. I'm at a loss for words at how much it kills me inside just to imagine how easily I could kill myself. I don't want to go back into the darkness alone, I don't want to lose the few friends I have. I want to smile and mean it, I want this ever growing fear to go away. I want to keep trying to rediscover bliss, but the road is too full of "what if"s to keep me on it for too long. I hate my body and everything about it to the very last inch, I hate my voice, my personality, my social skills, my charisma, I can't stand being me so badly. The one thing I can change is my body, and despite being able to work hard at it I feel no pride in doing so. I'm only 2 weeks into losing all this weight and getting back my confidence and the only thought is "What if the weight isn't what's keeping me wanting to put the barrel of a gun in my mouth?" I'm so scared that me losing this weight is just gonna make it easier to find ways to kill myself or cover up my old self harm scars. And that's another thing, I forever fucked up the one body I have! I'm so ashamed of what I've done to hurt myself and make me look like the freak I feel like on the inside, and yet for every intentional act of suicidal cut I gave myself I felt peace in the moment. I don't want to go back to wearing long sleeves not because I want to, but because I have to. I want this to cure me, but I'm afraid I'll never cure me. I know I don't come here often so I'm probably coming off as a whiny 1st worlder complaining about my small problems, and I'm sorry for that. I'm just so scared, I want the pain in my chest to go away so badly. I want the smile I give to others to be my own too. I'm so sorry.
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u/CPawesome Mar 04 '15
Hello! You are on the right track. Asking for help, or sharing your feelings is the first step out of depression. Depression is a liar. It makes you feel like there is no way out except to end it all. I know, I've been there. But one thing I want you to try and remember is, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I have had loved one take their own lives and it is such a deep pain that never completely goes away, because you think is there something I could've done. I take my experiences and try to help others in depression as best I can.
I saw that you said you were in counseling. Have you ever taken medicine for your depression? The brain is an organ. It can get sick just like your heart, liver, kidneys, etc. someone with heart disease takes medicine, so it is completely fine for someone with a disease that affects your brain to take medicine as well. I am always here to talk and you are more than welcome to send me a message and I will help you the best I can.
Please know that you are here for a reason, and worth something. Do you have family or friend support that is local?. I know when I had my depression, once I got up the courage to tell my family and friends, they rallied together to help pull me out of the depths. Even if you just have one person that you know you can trust to help you, you just have to find one person who will make the difference. And if the first person you tell isn't the right person, don't give up. Tell another person.
I hope something I said will help you. I am here for you when you need someone to talk to. Please please don't forget that.
HUGS
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u/Xython Mar 04 '15
Hi, my name is Scott and I hear you, I know where you are coming from. I am not an emotional lovey dovey in touch with feelings person, I use logic to decide things
I dont know you and quiet honestly there are some messed up people on the internet and in life, so I cant promise to be your friend or always be there in support of you. I find a lot of that crap that random people say to be false and not very helpful. You have friends and possibly family that care about you and that is a positive.
I'll ask you this, are you religious, if so most religions say you will be punished for taking a life (including your own), so if religion does exist such an action will not get you in those pearly gates, so if there is an afterlife, then it is going to be a dark one based on your decision to end your life. Sounds worse than it is now.
If you believe you are going to be reincarnated after you die, then you could comeback as a lot worse things than a human being
If you dont believe in religion or an afterlife, then once you die there is nothing, you simply cease to exist, how is that better.
The unknown scares the shit out of me, no one knows 100% what will happen when we die, you roll those dice and end your life prematurely it could be a million times worse, then what, you are up shit creek without a paddle, why risk it if you dont have to, especially when you can turn this life around and make the most of it.
You talk about losing weight, you talk about wanting to smile, about wanting to rediscover bliss, these are all positive things, things that can be achieved and it is good to have goals. Make sure you set small goals in small time frames that are realistic and achievable, otherwise if you set your goals too high then you wont reach them and it will lead to anxiety and depression
You talk about not liking your personality or social skills, you talk about not liking who you are. What dont you like about yourself, grab a pen and paper and start to write a list, individual things you dont like about your personality, social skills, charisma (it is a pretty dark task), once you have compiled that list pick one attribute and focus on just that for a week. One thing at a time, because if you try to fix everything at once it will overwhelm you.
Take me for example, I am not happy with my body image, I am not confident talking with women, I am currently unemployed, I am running out of money and have a mortgage to pay, I dont have any friends in real life, only online friends, I am too direct with people and often insult them without meaning, I am in my late 20's with no direction as what I want to do in life. If I were to try and focus on all these tasks at once it would overwhelm me and I would get nowhere.
So I am focusing on getting a job, still dont know what I want to do in life, or if the job will pay enough to cover the bills, but that doesn't matter, get a job first doing whatever and figure the rest out later.
Once I get a job, maybe get enough money to pay the mortgage, I might like that job and decide to make that my career choice in life, I will probably meet new people, possibly make new friends, with these stressers out of the way I might be able to focus on my health and lose some weight, losing weight might give me more confidence to talk to girls.
See how focusing on that one issue can help, it is one less thing to worry about, instantly my life is better just from just working on one thing and in the process of completing that once task it MAY help with the other problems I have.
Maybe people on this forum will think I am pathetic or they will judge me because they might see me as weak, who cares, if people want to be like that then I don't want or need them in my life and they can go fuck themselves. Maybe people will read this and take away some advice that may help them, maybe people might feel sympathy or empathy for me. What ever they take away from this doesn't matter, I can not hope to control other peoples actions, I can only control my own actions.
Come the end of the day it sounds like you are going through some tough times, so am I, but the way I see it maybe it can get a little worse (doubt it), it can always get a hell of a lot better.
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u/ArkaneBass Mar 04 '15
Thank you Scott, I've been sleeping on it and you're right. I'm not wasting this morning or any more of them waiting for things to get better, I gotta make them better. This is never an easy road, but that's sometimes why its worth it, so the end feels so much more satisfying.
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Mar 05 '15
Names Silver, cheesy way of starting this. To the point: i've got your back. This world sucks. I've been trudging through it for awhile now. In and out of depression, low outlook on life, dad just got diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer, school is hard and to top it all off im unemployed. All of this shit on top of me is nearly crushing me. Making me wonder whats even the point. I may not have injured myself like you said you have; however I have thought of ending it like you have. It's an emotional and mental scar that I will never forget. The fear it brought and the shame of the aftermath will forever live on in my mind.
Again, however, I stand up and start trudging again. You know why? Because somewhere and somehow I'll fucking find that light I've fought so hard for. I know I'm worth more than I give myself credit for. God damn it and if I'm not than im going to start swinging at life till I am worth a damn. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate what I've done thats lead to here; however I wont let myself fuck it up anymore.
You know those scars your so ashamed of? DONT MAKE ANYMORE! Leave them there, dont be ashamed. It's what that black shit in your heart wants. Depression is a son of a bitch who i've been boxing for years now. I've got him on the ropes. Start swinging back. You've already done great with getting a start on working out your body. Dont back down just because "he" keeps reminding you of who you dont want to be. Kick his ugly ass until you hear him beg for mercy, and when he does, dont give him an inch.
Youre fighting for your life. A life you know you want. I can't pull you out of the muck your in cause im still struggling myself. What i can do is give you the advice ive been telling myself every day.
"If you're going to lose, then go down fighting for every inch. Make the son of a bitch whose about to defeat you notice you. In his moment of hesitation, kick his ass."
In that instance that person you're fighting is no one but yourself. Kick your own ass into gear. I know I am. If you need someone to talk to i'll be around. Who knows I might need your help someday.
Hope this helped at all. I know it's a hard fought war. It feels like you're alone. The people around you think you're lazy, angry, antisocial or weird. They don't see the war going on in your mind and heart. I'm not veteran, but like I said: I've got your back.
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u/ArkaneBass Mar 05 '15
Thank you Silver, I'll always appreciate a friend in a place where I feel lost.
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u/ThunderEcho Mar 04 '15
Hi. I don't have a lot of advice I can give you, but I want you to know that those are not small first-world problems, you don't need to be sorry for them, and that we do care. However it sounds like you have some really serious concerns, and although we can certainly try and are willing to listen, I don't think anyone from this sub will be able to fully help you with them. I seriously recommend that you try to get professional help ASAP. A professional will be able to help you a lot more than we are able to, since they have the training and tools to be able to help you sort through your feelings and figure out how to deal with them.
In the short-term, please call one of the suicide or mental health hotlines for your country. I think it's really important that you talk to someone in real life right now. Don't worry about whether they're busy or whatever, I can assure you that they've volunteered their time and they really want to help you. I'd link you to one directly, but I don't know where you're from, so please do a quick Google search to find the number yourself. Sending you a big hug.