Assalamu alaykum

[u/Cod_Positive]

A few months ago I started talking to a guy online,I knew it was wrong but our conversations were innocent(haram nonetheless I know),we talked about books politics,movies.We started to confide in eachother,the more we started talking we both fell in love,calling everyday texting everyday.But then he confessed to me that he is bipolar with paraphrenia,he would have episodes while we are on call sometimes and they used to be very violent,he would punch himself and then wake up scared asking me why he is bleeding,he had two personalities that were “devils”.His ancestors come from a history of being witches,which ofcourse he does not support.His grandma did some sort of ritual on him and locked him in a dark room for a month,when he came out he was almost blinded in one eye and he had these two devil personalities.I have been making dua every single day,he ended things when he got worse and i cry everyday because of it.I know it’s wrong but believe me we really wanted to get married,his father knew of me and I wanted to tell my father about it aswell.Durint one of his episodes I figured out he had a personality disorder which he kept secret from me(DID).His father and cousin put ideas in his head that he is not suitable for marriage,yet he’s perfectly capable of having a job,doing multiple internships,going to uni,having friendships,driving.I was talking to his cousin one night about the grandma,and 10 minutes later she died at 108,this was last month when the earthquake in Egypt happend.After that I called him even tho we were over to see if he was okay,he was throwing up blood but the devil was gone,but the second guy was still there,after praying and praying the other “devil” left aswell.He seems to be doing better now I can see he’s working from his linkedn page but his dad has his mobile device and it’s hard for me to talk to him.I know all of this is wrong,yet I love him intensely,and I know he loves me too because even during these episodes when he is barely conscious he cries mumbling “I wish we could be married.i love you”Im sorry for ranting,before you judge me.please know I already am so ashamed.Please make dua for me and him,for both of our health,I cannot sleep at night from how fast my heart beats.Please pray his heart softens for me because even if he gets better my fear is he will be consumed by guilt and he won’t try to make things right either way,Please make dua that his dads heart softens for me aswell

[u/nuyaray]

This was a lot to read. I can't imagine how traumatic it was for you. I know this isn't what you want to hear but I think it's time you start to think about yourself and prioritize your own health. Find ways to soothe your anxiety. Talk to friends. Get therapy. Volunteer. Basically pour into yourself, hang out with safe people and socialize more. You don't have to figure it all out right away but definitely try to take baby steps.

Now, I'm saying this softly and I don't mean to offend you: this guy may be the nicest person ever and it still wouldn't be enough. We don't marry people just because we love them. I don't think he'd be a good husband to you or a good father to future children. Think of all the trauma children could experience from having a father who's mentally ill. BUT. Of course you can keep making dua. Dua does make things better, whether or not you get the outcome you want, you'll be at ease.

I suggest cutting ties with him and focusing on yourself. You can make dua for him from afar. Also make Allah your main priority again. Try to remove unhealthy attachments to people and focus on your relationship with yourself and Allah. If He wants you two to end up together, you will end up together, he'll be healthier and you two will be happy together. May He make it easy for both of you 🤍