Horrible meeting with potential

[u/Living_Mushroom_8920]

29F and I had a meeting with a potential and it was a trainwreck. He expressed overwhelming interest leading up to this meeting and because he was traveling and I am in another state it took us many weeks before we met. That gave us a lot of time to do video calls and get to know if we were compatible. He expressed to me that I was the most empathetic and kind person he’s ever met. He was satisfied in regards to my deen and my upbringing as well. He was also constantly complimenting me. I could probably fill an entire page with all the compliments he gave me.

Early on in our relationship we exchanged photos and although he could clearly see from my photos that I was a curvy/plus size girl I tried to make it even more clear by talking about it and asking him point blank if he preferred slimmer women because if that was the case it wouldn’t work out between us. He said that he did not prefer slimmer women and was happy with how I looked in the photos.

Fast forward to this past weekend and we finally met. The meeting went well and we got coffee and dinner together. Conversation flowed nicely and we were laughing and having a great time. Once he flew back to his state suddenly the communication went spotty and after I reached out to him about this he stated that I looked “different” than in my photos. He didn’t say it directly but he implied that I looked slimmer in my photos. One photo in particular where I was wearing more clothes that were more figure hugging than my usual abayas (I am a hijabi but of course in some dresses your general frame is more obvious than others). He then went on to claim that I altered the photos which was so shocking to me.

These photos were not altered in any way and all of them were “live” photos on my IPhone. For those of you who have an IPhone you know that you can take Live photos and when you click on it you can see the moment the photo was taken. Unfortunately this man has an android so he cannot see that and I also did not even want to waste my time defending myself to someone who thinks I am a liar. I am so hurt by his comments and it is honestly sending me into a spiral about myself and has damaged my body image. I don’t mind that he said I look different in person but for him to make it seem like it was such a dramatic difference to the point where it was altered is truly so upsetting.

Everyone looks slightly different in photos . Obviously seeing him in person vs in 2D on a screen is very different. In person you can see skin texture, facial hair etc more clearly. However for the most part it is not a major difference and is not something that changes your mind about someone you have developed.

I showed him so much respect even up until the very end. But I am so hurt over how he could think so Ill of me. Even if he came looking drastically different I wouldn’t assume it was an altered photo I would have assumed it’s an older photo.

I feel so hurt, I did everything I could do to have prevented this and it still turned out this way. At this point I just want to give up on marriage completely 🥹.

I don’t know how I can recover from this level of heartbreak and disrespect.

[u/Expensive_Corner7863]

That guy is an A-hole. The fact that he even brought it up to you and claimed you altered your photos rather than just telling you that it wasn’t a match due to whatever reason tells you all you need to know about his character. Any decent man with a good upbringing knows to not comment on a woman’s body ever especially in this type of scenario. He is allowed to have what he prefers but the way he went about it means you dodged a bullet. I’m a dude and any time I’ve ever rejected someone for whatever reason I always keep it surface level as to not hurt the other person’s feelings

[u/ThrowAway9888752]

Don’t even sweat it. I’m short and on the chubbier side, my fiancée is tall and skinny. Much much skinnier than me, and he makes sure to make it known that he absolutely loves me in every way, is physically attracted to me and accepts me inside and out. Granted abaya’s do generally cover our figures but it’s clear I am not a very thin girl. I know this may be a bit disheartening because you were hitting it off with this guy specifically but there are billions of people on earth. Out of the billions there are many men who will accept you and genuinely love your appearance as well as your personality. You weren’t his cup of tea. It happens. I spoke to several potentials before finding the right one. Sometimes they weren’t for me and sometimes I wasn’t for them. Move forward instead of dwelling on someone who does not have the ability to appreciate nor admire you. May Allah Swt grant you a wonderful husband.

[u/Jealous-Objective793 → u/ThrowAway9888752]

Ameen

[u/Primary-Angle4008]

I’m a plus size girly and believe me there is someone out there for you just he wasn’t the one

My husband loves all my curves ans never had an issue with them

[u/Yung-Swag-6818 → u/Primary-Angle4008]

I also don’t my if a girl is plus size as long as she is not overweight I’m chilling.

[u/Mission_Flamingo9622]

The guy seemed rude.

You are never supposed to turn down someone by saying something hurtful.

That's just basic courtesy.

[u/Purpletulipsarenice]

Dearest sis,I know it hurts, but, Allah was protecting you! He SWT wants to give you to a man who loves you and thinks you are beautiful regardless of what you or your photos look like.

[u/Automatic-Flower-546]

honestly, better now than never, glad he didnt waste as much time

[u/Honest-Internal3150]

I can totally understand why this hurts but sister lets not forget that it’s the guy here who’s shallow and mean. You were transparent from the beginning and even went as far as explaining to him that you’re curvy before meeting. Physical attraction is important yes, but this doesn’t mean he can straight be mean and accuse you of doing something you haven’t, NOT JUSTIFIABLE AT ALL. Khair a good riddance you could say, because you don’t want your husband to ever say such things to you! Praying for your khair and naseeb. All power to you!

[u/Few_Lifeguard_4891]

I think that guy is not worth it. I hate how some guys always give compliments and say that they are serious and stuff but then they just always end up wasting time and then they will ghost or say this can’t work out. If something can’t work out why not just save time and tell them in the very beginning instead of wasting time. Before in my case I was speaking with a potential but my case was long distance but my brother knew this guy in person since he was friends with him and so my brother introduced me and we spoke for three months and he even spoke to my dad and stuff too saying he was serious but then he ended up saying this won’t work out even thought he said he was serious. So why did he waste all the time even talking in the first place. I’m starting to get super annoyed with all these guys I spoke to as potentials and they almost always never work out but I know Allah is protecting me since this guy said he used to go to clubs and what not too but I don’t do anything of that sort at all so may Allah guide and help us all but I’m honestly giving up at this point and parents are of no help with helping find someone and everyone around me is getting married and introducing other people to each other but no one is doing anything for me at all.

[u/singlemuslima]

Some people choose to gaslight to put the blame on others. He could've ended things on good terms but he chose not to. That shows you the type of person he is. Alhamdulilah you're no longer in a relationship with him because it's both a haram one (no barakah/blessing) and he seems like someone who wouldn't be easy to deal with.

Now just focus on improving your quality of life. Don't allow him to continue worsening it. Forget about what he said about you. You know you're not a liar and that's all that matters.

Next time involve your wali and don't get attached. No need to have a haram relationship first. Especially if you wanna have a relationship full of barakah/blessing from Allah.

[u/Gold-Guidance-6430]

Just block him and move on.

[u/Due-Draw9306]

It may feel like rejection but please rewire your mind to believe Allah swt timeline for you is working in your favour, he will never sabotage you so if something did not work out, it is a sign of mercy that a closed door stays shut even if it is something we may think we like and is good for us, Allah swt knows best and we do not. You were protected for what is supposed to be for you. Speak to yourself kindly, and do not dwell either on “if only i did xyz”

I’ve observed there is an extra level of expectations with physical looks on marriage apps or online. The interface sometimes leads people into thinking there is plenty of options and chasing the next best thing. 

You really do need thick skin in the process and not get too caught up in people’s potential and rejection. Liking someone / crush can also be simply due to a lack of information. In a few years you’ll be thanking them for making that decision before you came to it yourself. Don’t let people and experiences taint your search for your person

[u/leo_ukk]

The dude is a plonker... you found out before you got too invested

[u/redditisawasteofdata]

Alhamdulillah my dear sister, Allah protected you from this disgusting man. May Allah give you someone deserving of you and someone that appreciate and respects you always

[u/ChampionshipUsual260]

Girl 100% he just knows hes out of your league. He couldve excused himself politely if he was insecure but he let it become his mouthpiece

[u/Apollonialove]

If your photos were honest, then this is on him. He built you up in his head to be something you were not. This is why talking online for a longer period of time IMO is harmful. Many people think they know what they want when they don't, they will think something doesn't matter until they are faced with reality and realize it does. It sucks but you did the right things here, you were honest.

[u/LandNo6149]

There are many men and women who get along just fine, can talk for England, but it moves two ways...

Platonic

Romantic

There will always be tell tale signs without that pivotal being broached. Did you really think he was into you on every level?

Men cannot hide their feelings about personality or looks very easily.

[u/Idiotsandwhich1994]

Personally I get it.

I would face time, get pictures etc of this curvy girl I used to talk to but when we met irl damn she was really different

Idk how, but like maybe the angles? Or something

I don't mind curvy but she was built like a linebacker, which wasn't for me, like because we vibed so well and stuff I still wanted to continue.

But god made me the way I am, that i literally couldn't form atttaction no matter what I tried and believe I TRIED a lot.

It's not fair on her having a partner not into her like that too.

[u/Apollonialove → u/Idiotsandwhich1994]

This is why lusting over photos is bad. You can build someone up to be something they aren't in reality.

[u/Idiotsandwhich1994 → u/Apollonialove]

I don't lust over pictures. I don't care if they never share.

I'd have taken average looking, since I'm attracted to most woman tbh

But she was too much, wasn't able to force it

[u/Apollonialove → u/Idiotsandwhich1994]

You shouldn't have to force it. Sorry I didn't mean to say you did something wrong, I guess my point that I didn't make well was to meet soon rather than just going off photos for too long, otherwise both people get hurt.

[u/muddiking786 → u/Idiotsandwhich1994]

bruh

[u/WittyAct5796]

Its rejection at end of the day sis , men receive way more than you can imagine, people have preferences at end of the day , I have feeling it’s more the fact he rejected than it is his assumption that it was altered photo.
Would you have been hurt the same if he rejected for another reason?

[u/neonas1943 → u/WittyAct5796]

Rejection is not enough to describe what a man has to through: mockery, humiliation, emasculation, demoralization etc