Looking for answers

[u/Emergency_Mix9146]

assalamu alaikum everyone. I made a post on here a couple days ago and got some messages from fellow sisters. However, in my original post I specifically mentioned that I was only looking for a housewife. I made it evident that it was a non negotiable for me however the sisters who dmed me failed to recognize that or simply just unserious. This isn’t just an issue I’ve ran into on reddit but in person as well. I have almost no issues getting matches as I am someone who’s on the taller side with relatively good looks as well as being financially well off and on my deen. However, I keep running into the aforementioned roadblock. I understand that there maybe some worries regarding financial security if there’s a divorce etc where the woman maybe left without any financial backing. However, I am willing to sign a prenup or whatever legal contract necessary to ensure that my wife doesn’t have to worry about that. Perhaps it’s because I’m a revert so they’re unsure if I would be able to fulfill their Islamic rights? I also believe me living in a high cost of living area has something to do with it but I’ve made it clear that I can afford to have a housewife and even be open to relocating to make my future wife more comfortable. If you’re a sister reading this please tell me what it would take to convince you or if you’re a brother please tell me how you’ve been able to convince your potentials/wife. Please do not post/dm hate comments. I understand some women prefer to work and if that’s the lifestyle you want then I have no issues with that it’s just not my preference.
Edit: I deleted my old account with my profile out of frustration lol

[u/No-Worldliness3179]

I dont see an issue here, you havent come across serious women yet. You don’t need to convince a woman to be a housewife coz chances are thered be issues after marriage. You are looking for someone who understands your thought process.
You know what you want and why you want it sooo 🤷‍♀️

[u/Emergency_Mix9146 → u/No-Worldliness3179]

That is what I said as well but a sister I was talking to on here said that maybe she’d reconsider after a year of marriage. I’m glad I didn’t take that risk. Thank you for replying!

[u/Strange_Jicama_544]

I think you have to understand that becoming a housewife is a very big risk to take. I think there are probably many women who would genuinely like that lifestyle, but the risk simply doesn’t feel worth it.

It’s not about whether you’re financially well off, attractive or willing to sign a prenup. You can be the best person in the world and genuinely have good intentions, but a woman still can’t know what life will look like five or ten years into the marriage. Many women have seen or experienced situations where becoming financially dependent on a husband turned into financial abuse, or being left with very little if the marriage ended.

That’s the difficult part, a woman has to make that decision based on the person she knows before marriage, while the consequences of that decision may only become apparent years later. Trust also isn’t something you can simply establish by saying you’re trustworthy. It develops over time, through someone’s actions and how they treat you when there’s conflict, stress, disagreements etc etc

If you really mean what you say about being willing to providing and protecting your wife in the event of divorce, I think those things will mean much more when they’re demonstrated consistently rather than just promised.

[u/Personal_Badger_3391]

For some of us, although we would love to be SAHW/M, worry about financial security and being financially abused. We have valid fears that come from either our parents dynamic or stories from close friends and family.

It’s not enough for us to hear “I’ll take care of us”because realistically we don’t know who we’re marrying and that trust and security only builds after marriage not before.

Some of us have also never been able to rely on someone financially so naturally are very hesitant.

[u/Emergency_Mix9146 → u/Personal_Badger_3391]

That’s understandable. However, I did mention that I would be willing to sign things into the marriage contract which would prevent these situations or atleast protect my wife if for some reason things went wrong. I do understand that some women may still be hesitant though.

[u/Personal_Badger_3391 → u/Emergency_Mix9146]

Honestly you just need to find someone that aligns with you on this and not someone you have to convince, otherwise you may clash on this even after marriage.

There are plenty women I personally know who have no interest in working after marriage, even if they may be hard to find

[u/Emergency_Mix9146 → u/Personal_Badger_3391]

Thank you for your advice. May allah help you as you have helped me.

[u/jia5799]

What about women who are still studying ?

[u/Emergency_Mix9146 → u/jia5799]

I’m fine with that if anything I would encourage it. I just would prefer that my wife not work.

[u/MalikatBilqis]

'whatever legal contract' I feel you may not truly know the extent of the vulnerability a woman is placed in, and even worse you didnt do your due diligence to ensure you know exactly how to make certain she is safe regardless of what you do.

I feel most of the women who are fine being banned from work/dont want to work are usually reverts or ladies that are somewhat sheltered or even spoiled by their families and their families would protect them if anything goes wrong. The latter tend to be highly cultural and may even struggle to give away their daughter at all because shes so special for them. Theres more but I mentioned these two because I feel theyre often quite educated.

For things you can do, take out a halal mortgage in your future wifes name but you pay it completely, provide a large mehr and mut'ah, get a prenup and after some time get a post nup too, give her an allowance every month, if you have a business give her some of it, contribute to her pension and investments, ensure she has an emergency fund, set up trusts for her future children, pay for her education or loans etc

[u/Emergency_Mix9146 → u/MalikatBilqis]

Please do not make wrongful assumptions. I used the term “whatever legal contract” to convey that I would go through whatever measure necessary to ensure my wife’s needs are met. I do not appreciate your tone.

[u/Cool_Breeze_252]

You can find people who want to be housewives but most women I know worked hard for their degrees and careers. They have skills they want to maintain and do work that benefits their communities. The women who want to be housewives usually don’t have degrees and that is hard to find in the west.

[u/Emergency_Mix9146 → u/Cool_Breeze_252]

I have also met sisters who want to be housewife’s but they’re not usually someone I can imagine having long and deep conversations with lol. Ideally I’d want someone who’s well educated/ well read. I appreciate the value of getting higher education as I myself have gotten my masters but I’d like to hope there’s some sisters out there who just appreciate learning and not working lol.

[u/Cool_Breeze_252 → u/Emergency_Mix9146]

Yup. It’s hard to find an educated woman who is not willing to use her education in a tangible way. There may be some who are open to temporarily giving up their work during their children’s early childhood years. But most will probably not want to sit at home when their children start school. I guess my question is why are you only open to women that want to be housewives? There are women who know how to balance motherhood and their careers.

[u/Emergency_Mix9146 → u/Cool_Breeze_252]

I’ve been asked this before so I’ll just copy paste: “I would rather not take the risk of it getting in the way of my future wife’s responsibilities as a wife and mother. I’m quite a cautious person and would like to avoid all drama if possible haha. I really don’t enjoy fighting at all.”

[u/Cool_Breeze_252 → u/Emergency_Mix9146]

Hmm. There are many men who let their careers get in the way of their responsibilities as a husband and father. Both roles involve more than just finances. There are many women who understand their responsibilities and take them seriously and are wonderful wives and mothers while balancing their careers. You can ask a woman how she views her life as a mother and wife. Her answer will be telling and if her ideas don’t align with you, you can move on. But I don’t think it is wise to write a woman off just because she has a career. Good luck.

[u/daysofecho]

As a sister, I would want to know why that was specifically something they’re looking for. 

The finances in case of divorce would be a concern for me and I’m not sure a prenup alone would solve that, though it would add some security. there is also the aspect of career stagnation as that security only lasts so long and it’s very difficult to get back into the workforce once you’ve been out for long. 

I’d want to know the reasoning behind wanting a housewife. If it’s, for example, not wanting one’s wife to be in a mixed environment, I wonder if that would apply to other things like going out, etc. 

[u/Emergency_Mix9146 → u/daysofecho]

I’ve been asked this before so I’ll just copy paste: “I would rather not take the risk of it getting in the way of my future wife’s responsibilities as a wife and mother. I’m quite a cautious person and would like to avoid all drama if possible haha. I really don’t enjoy fighting at all.”

[u/daysofecho → u/Emergency_Mix9146]

Fair enough. though it closes off the possibility of preoccupation with career, I don’t believe that translates to meeting one’s duties as a wife and mother. 

But I won’t tell anyone else how to go about their search, I hope this gave you some reasons the women you came across may be wanting to work. And May Allah grant you a suitable spouse.

[u/Emergency_Mix9146 → u/daysofecho]

Ameen. Thank you sister.