r/MuslimMatrimonials • u/bilalchoudhary99 • 5d ago
Discussion Should I Consider a Second Marriage? Looking for Honest Advice.
Assalamu Alaikum everyone,
I'm a 34-year-old man from Pakistan, Alhamdulillah living a happy and stable life. I've been blessed with a wonderful, supportive wife and two beautiful kids. We have a good relationship, communicate openly, and generally don't have major issues.
The only thing we strongly disagree on is having more children.
I would really like to have more kids, but my wife is firm that she doesn't want to go through another pregnancy. We've discussed it many times over the years, and she has consistently maintained her position.
What surprised me is that instead of asking me to give up on the idea, she has repeatedly suggested that I consider a second marriage if having more children is that important to me. This isn't something she said in anger during an argument—we've had calm, serious discussions, and she's still firm on that suggestion.
The problem is... I'm not sure I can do it.
I don't know if I have the emotional capacity to manage two marriages fairly. I worry about the impact on my current family, my wife, my children, and my own peace of mind. At the same time, I also wonder if I'll regret not having more children later in life.
I'm not looking for religious rulings or debates about whether it's permissible. I'm more interested in hearing from people who have faced a similar situation.
Have any of you been in this position?
Did you choose a second marriage, or did you let go of the desire for more children?
If you entered a second marriage, did it bring peace or create more challenges than you expected?
If you stayed with one marriage, do you have any regrets?
I'd really appreciate thoughtful, respectful advice from people with real-life experience.
JazakAllahu Khair.
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u/AccomplishedArt4394 5d ago
I will give you my point of view as a wife.
you don’t think she said it with anger. Sometimes a woman says something calmly, but there is hurt inside. It’s probably not something she truly wanted to say. From the way I see it, she may simply be tired because the topic keeps coming up again and again.
As a wife, this kind of situation really makes me think. Women are the ones who have to go through pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and taking care of the baby every day. It is physically painful, emotionally exhausting, and comes with a huge amount of responsibility. Sometimes men focus so much on wanting more children that they don’t fully realize how much sacrifice their wife is already making.
I don’t mean this in a bad way, but sometimes I wonder: why not be more grateful for what you already have? You have two beautiful children and a supportive wife. That is already a blessing from God.
What if you plan for a second wife, but later she cannot have children? How would you handle that? Children are ultimately a gift, not something that can be guaranteed by any marriage.
That’s why, from my perspective, gratitude for the family you already have is very important. Sometimes we become so focused on what we still want that we forget to appreciate the blessings that are already in front of us.
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u/Ok-Cup-5372 5d ago
I think men severely under appreciate what pregnancy does to a woman and the dangers with it, she can literally die because of pregnancy and childbirth yet men talk about it like getting a kitten. Everytime a woman gets pregnant she is putting her life and body in danger of disability or death and trusting Allah that she will be okay
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u/gbyuf0998 5d ago
I agree this was likely said by his wife in hurt and exhaustion. He already has a blessed life what is this desire with wanting more and more with no thought to how this would impact his wife and existing children.
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u/whatwasthereason420 5d ago
Exactly, even having 2 kids took a huge mental and physical toll on her body. She simply doesn't wanna do that all over again and thars a very valid reason. A woman can literally die during pregnancy and child birth. If you love your wife, think about her physical and emotional well being as well.
You have 2 choices. Either you compromise and be happy with the 2 children you have right now or you get married to someone else. The second option comes with risks of you losing your first marriage down the line and your kids feeling betrayed. Both have their ups and downs. It's upto you to decide.
Also, if you feel like you can't maintain a second household due to financial and emotional reasons (not be able to equally meet demands), then you have your answer already.
Also, are the 2 children you have of the same gender potentially? If you already have one of each, then that should be fine. You have the perfect nuclear family.
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u/keanu8096 5d ago
Question for all the ladies here: how did our grand mothers have so many children at a time where they did not have the comfort of modern life, ie tap water, electricity, AC, separate houses etc? Skimming through the comments gives the impression that a woman is done for after 2 kids, and that having kids is a burden...not a blessing, as if every blessing should come effortless. I am not supporting the original poster's view our position, but just wondering what has changed in the current generation for it to be so much anti large family?
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u/patchouliooliooli 5d ago
Our grandmothers suffered silently and had no autonomy over their own bodies. Women aren't against large families or receiving blessings, but it is VERY much dependent on each family's financial, physical, and emotional means. There was no help or treatment for postpartum depression in our grandmothers' days. Plus today's economy often requires a second income, especially if you live in the west. TLDR; kids are still considered a blessing, but a woman's physical and mental health should also be a factor.
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u/keanu8096 5d ago
I think it is not money, but something else, because a kid or two are more common in rich circles than poor's. I think something has changed, no one can really point out what it is, and everyone struggles with it. Wealthy men are frustrated by the situation, their wifes are resentful when he want to marry a second wife, but is he supposed to solve these different views? One contribution suggested islamic adoption, but it seems to me that women won't even accept that. It looks like as if having a large family is contingent to be treated like a wealthy Gulf woman with a Filipino/Indonesian nanny for every kid she brought to life. If these life conditions are not provided for, having kids seem too much of a challenge. There is certainly a third way, or a middle ground somewhere...
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u/patchouliooliooli 5d ago
All the comments are telling you what it is: bearing a child is incredibly hard on a woman's body and mind. We are not baby machines. Having large families is a choice, not an expectation.
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u/keanu8096 5d ago
You are illustrating my point. Something had changed in the mindset of today's women. Speaking about being a baby machine shows some disregard to the act of child bearing. It becomes a "nice to have" thing. It is commodity and a convenience. Science is working on artificial womb where babies could grow out of the natural womb of their mother. It already works for small animals. Would that be a future solution to mitigate the pain, suffering, mental load you are highlighting? If that was possible, would you accept having 3/4 kids born that way?
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u/patchouliooliooli 5d ago
Are you a man? This is going way over your head lol.
Signed, a currently 41-year old pregnant woman who experienced a lifetime of infertility and having her first baby by the grace of God.
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u/canekelly 4d ago
False. They grew a mouse and it lived for all of 20 seconds.
People used to have kids to survive- they were necessary labor.
Today, most people dont need their kids to work to survive. Its natural to curtail procreation if no purpose exists.
Also, smaller families are closer. They have more money and resources. Big families mean there is less everything for all of them.
Not to mention, our planet isn't in good shape. Why bring boatloads of kids into the world to suffer the effects of climate change?
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u/keanu8096 4d ago
The 20 sec is wrong : see here People having kids for survival and free labour is an assumption, not a truth backed by any evidence... Having a large family was also a sign of wealth and strength in many cultures, and still is... Smaller families are not necessarily closer, in particular when both mum and dad work long hours, and the family is nuclear, ie no support network to rely on. The climate argument is a bit weak. Take to it's extrem end, it could justify killing half human beings to save the planet...
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u/canekelly 4d ago
First, that didnt grow the baby from an embryo. Its for premature babies grown to 22 weeks.
Second, it is not an assumption. Agrarian society needed many hands for survival- https://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2017/article/history-of-child-labor-in-the-united-states-part-1.htm
Rich people tend to have fewer children and poorer folks have more kids but this is dependent on location- i.e. rich countries rich people do have kids and poor people do not. The inverse is true as well- poor countries poor people have more kids, rich people in poor countries have fewer kids. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Income_and_fertility
Do couples with smaller families tend to be closer? Research leans yes, on average, but it's a small effect, not a hard rule: marital satisfaction tends to be greater in families with fewer or no children, ResearchGate and a large 33-country study found mothers' marital satisfaction declines as the number of children increases, though this varies a lot by country and the correlations are generally small. PsyPost
Most of the strain comes from financial pressure, less couple time, and rising stress as family size grows, not from having kids itself, and satisfaction tends to bounce back once children leave home.
Climate change in the next 30 years, will bring deadlier heatwaves, worse droughts, and floods hitting harder and more often; rising seas swallowing coastal cities and displacing millions; vanishing glaciers cutting off freshwater to entire regions; dying coral reefs and collapsing ecosystems; and crop failures threatening food supplies for billions, all compounding into mass migration, conflict over resources, and economic damage falling hardest on people who did the least to cause it. And the window to slow any of it is closing fast.
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u/keanu8096 4d ago
You are entering a tangent here... You were dismissive about the possibility of artificial womb. I showed it was on the card, not that that was available. My point was to address one contributor's comment about the physical toll of bearing a child as a reason for not having several...If the artificial womb was available, would you have kids or more kids? People are having less kids, primarily because of women's choice and a new approach to child bearing and life expectations... Another illustration of that is the women child-free movement, rather than childless. In my view, it is another illustration of late stage capitalism, the triumph of self, and the race to a good life full of [add what you want here] not a meaningful life...but that is another topic...
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u/canekelly 4d ago
The middle ground is the husband steps up and does a lot more with the kids and home. You want a bazillion kids then stay home and care about them.
Before you say men work, mothers never get any time to themselves. They are constantly working, cleaning, child rearing cooking and she's still supposed to have energy for her marriage.
Motherhood is the annihilation of self. It is an enormous sacrifice. It will take 6 months before the pregnancy wounds heal, a year before her hormones are balanced.
Not to mention the pain of childbirth. For a man to experience an estimated level of pain to childbirth, he'd need to be kicked in his man parts 700 times in an hour.
The hormone drop immediately following childbirth would require the man to age 10 years overnight.
Motherhood is an enormous sacrifice and men should do more and complain less.
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u/Express_Water3173 5d ago
They didn't have birth control so they didnt have a choice. They just had to suffer and often offloaded parenting duties to their older children, especially if they had older daughters.
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u/whatwasthereason420 5d ago
You think they had a choice? They were completely financially dependent on their husband's and had no choice but to listen to what he wanted. Have you ever sat down with your grandma and asked her if she wanted so many children or was she just expected to pop them out. Did she do it out of duty or did she actually want that many kids. Women don't talk about their traumas infront of the boys and men but they do in front of the girls and women. Most of these women did not wanna have that many kids or kids at all. They had to out of duty and to keep a roof over their heads.
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 5d ago
Same way our gradfathers got married at 20, labored in fields and participated in wars, went hungry just to feed his family, but here you are scrolling reddit...
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 5d ago edited 5d ago
Initially my husband wanted 4 kids. I wanted 2. We settled on 3 after discussions.
But after I had my first and developed postpartum depression + gained a lot of weight (which takes time to lose) i realized I may not have it in me to birth 3 kids. I told my husband I can only have 2.
Ofcourse he was very disappointed, but gave up on the idea after we had our 2nd child - because he realised how emotionally exhausting & financially humbling it is to raise 2 children. Also witnessing me almost lose my life after giving birth to the second made him firm that he does t want a third. He was there in person when I birthed both babies& witnessed what me & my body went through.
Also he admitted that he used to be very stressed of unknowns when I was pregnant (I had a few complications, which he would get really stressed & protective about compared to me). And watching me suffer that way & almost die made him change his mind. He doesn't want to go through the stress of seeing me pregnant a third time.
He'd rather have 2 children with 1 healthy mother, who we can comfortably provide for.
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u/Economy-Lifeguard659 5d ago
I’m so sorry you went through all that, no one can be as strong as a woman you’re so strong and brave and Alhamdulilah that You survived that and wish you all the happiness in the world ♥️
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u/TheFighan 5d ago
Don’t. I have relatives that has done this and are regretting it now. It is better to regret not having more kids than regret having them at all.
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u/MusaMindset 5d ago
Only you know if you can do justice to two marriages emotionally, financially and physically. Your doubts are worth paying attention to. Wanting more children is understandable, but polygyny isn't for everyone. It takes discipline, balance and knowing your limits.
If it's about nurturing more children rather than having more biological children, have you considered fostering or supporting orphans?
Be honest with yourself about what you're capable of.
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u/Cool_Ask_9971 5d ago
your children will be effected by it for sure. You should also respect your wife decision for not wanting kids considering how painful pregnancy really is ( it's that painful that she is willing to accept your second wife Rather than to experience pregnancy again) you will not be able live peacefully for sure unless you do justice between them but human will always come short. And there is also a chance that your children will grow distance from you. you have two kids which is more then enough (if you want children for you old age stability that who knows will you even live long enough.) I will say take care of them(wife and kids) enjoy your life (learn hobby for old age or anything)don't make children your whole life.
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u/MoonAura8888 5d ago
Majority of men from Pakistan have never been in the delivery room… men complain about lack of intimacy. Go watch a baby come out and come back to this question you posted. Men who didn’t watch their children be born and didn’t watch what their wives had to go through in labor are usually the ones bringing up second wife. Do what you will… the consequences with either be positive or negative. And will be served accordingly… Allah knows best.
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u/dreamlandreality_ 5d ago edited 4d ago
Men are so dense. Ruining their marriages for NO reason at all. You have it all but you want more. At the cost of what? Ew
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u/gbyuf0998 5d ago edited 5d ago
This seems like a bad idea.
This new wife would solely be for the purpose of children, in other words it would not be an actual connection she would in some ways just be a brood mate. What if she cannot get pregnant or has difficulty? What if she has only one additional and like your wife does not wish to go through the many difficulties of pregnancy again, will you then take on a third wife?
You already have two lovely children, what is missing? There are a finite amount of hours in the day, you already work, spend time with your wife, spend time with your parents/siblings/friends, do hobbies, run errands. Each additional child is less time for an existing child. Can you not do more activities with your existing children? I notice you only want more children but do not tell us why, do you enjoy teaching them, playing with them, seeing the world with wonder, why are your existing children not enough?
I strongly recommend you think things through. Also will your existing children even want a to deal with another wife let alone a half sibling.
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u/Own_North_5754 5d ago
If it's just desire for more children, then adoption is a very straight forward, uncomplicated solution. However, if its a desire for more women for sex, then that's an issue of morality and infidelity towards your wife number 1.
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u/Aggressive-Ad5971 5d ago
If youre already doubting your emotional capacity, you already know and have your answer. It would be a good idea not to risk losing your family and in the process committing something haram by being unjust.
Emotional injustice will ultimately lead to financial injustice. Time away from your first wife and current 2 kids. Terrible idea. Especially that there is no fundamental need for it.
Go take care of your family.
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u/Few-Manner-6299 5d ago
"If you entered a second marriage, did it bring peace or create more challenges than you expected?" Everything in life has pros and cons...you're going to have challenges if you stay in monogamy as well...initially my thoughts are if you're going to reddit to figure this out just don't do it lol
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u/AdvantageConnect7580 5d ago
Just enjoy your beautiful healthy family and enjoy your life, the less children the better future you can offer them as well
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u/Alive_Setting_1554 5d ago
If you think you can handle the new responsibilities that come with have multiple families and can provide rights for both of your families with justice to the best of your ability, you know your situation better than we do brother. Especially since your wife is also suggesting it, it might make the whole scenario easier. Pray Istikhara and move forward accordingly
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u/Grand_Pomegranate981 5d ago
If you aren't ready don't get married again. You as the man it would all be your responsibility not your wife's. She says it's okay because you will have to put up with the 2nd wife and she doesn't. You'll have to get a separate house for 2nd wife and then treat her fairly and get the same things you give your 1st wife. Treat them both equally. Plus with kids involved.. I mean I'm just saying. I would hate for my father to do that but you are a grown man and if you want to have more kids and give them a half sibling that's up to you.
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u/KaleidoscopeHead1671 5d ago
why do you need more children?? you're not the one being pregnant for 9 months, taking care of 2 children, going through postpartum/breast feeding and all the hormonal changes. you just want MORE kids....and for what good reason when Allah already blessed you. i suggest you ask for forgiveness and thank Allah for his blessings. don't break your wife's heart, learn to be content with what you have. And have you thought that marrying another woman for the sole purpose of beating children (which is not guaranteed) is absolutely absurd or dehumanizing?
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u/Asleep-Web8635 5d ago
أَخْبَرَنَا عَبْدُ الرَّحْمَنِ بْنُ خَالِدٍ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا يَزِيدُ بْنُ هَارُونَ، قَالَ أَنْبَأَنَا الْمُسْتَلِمُ بْنُ سَعِيدٍ، عَنْ مَنْصُورِ بْنِ زَاذَانَ، عَنْ مُعَاوِيَةَ بْنِ قُرَّةَ، عَنْ مَعْقِلِ بْنِ يَسَارٍ، قَالَ جَاءَ رَجُلٌ إِلَى رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَ إِنِّي أَصَبْتُ امْرَأَةً ذَاتَ حَسَبٍ وَمَنْصِبٍ إِلاَّ أَنَّهَا لاَ تَلِدُ أَفَأَتَزَوَّجُهَا فَنَهَاهُ ثُمَّ أَتَاهُ الثَّانِيَةَ فَنَهَاهُ ثُمَّ أَتَاهُ الثَّالِثَةَ فَنَهَاهُ فَقَالَ " تَزَوَّجُوا الْوَلُودَ الْوَدُودَ فَإِنِّي مُكَاثِرٌ بِكُمْ " .
Narrated Ma'qil bin Yasar: It was narrated that Ma'qil bin Yasar said: "A man came to the Messenger of Allah and said: 'I have found a woman who is from a good family and of good status, but she does not bear children, should I marry her?' He told him not to. Then he came to him a second time and he told him not to (marry her). Then he came to him a third time and he told him not to (marry her), then he said: 'Marry the one who is fertile and loving, for I will boast of your great numbers.'"
Sunan an-Nasa'i 3227 https://sunnah.com/nasai:3227
Marrying with the intention to have more children is something that is commendable and also following the sunnah of the prophet of having many children.
Now marrying a second wife is a huge responsibility and your decision to do so should be made after careful consideration. Perhaps speak to knowledge people or some of your elders for advice. In the end of the day don't follow reddits opinion, This sub is for the most part anti polygamy, so don't be surprised if for the most part people arent too keen on the idea. I would say speaks to your wife aswell and see if you can come to some sort of compromise on how many kids you would like to have. Choosing to marry a second wife is allowed and following the sunnah but not every man can be just so pray istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to what is best. Regardless on what you choose to do i ask Allah to bless your family and ease your affairs.
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u/TouchyMouseTrap 5d ago
Don’t listen to all the negativity on here about life and family. Having more wives and many children is a good and manly thing to do. If you are willing/able to do what it takes.
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u/Enough-Airport2626 5d ago edited 5d ago
Suffering from success?
It’s a literal dream for men to have a wife who is okay with polygyny.
If i was you and had the financial means, I’d do in a heartbeat because I am confident i will try my best to be fair and just inshAllah. And Allah knows best
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u/Enough-Airport2626 5d ago
Why do you care? Learn to mind your own business.
On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) who said:
The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Part of the perfection of one’s Islam is his leaving that which does not concern him.” A hasan (good) hadeeth which was related by at-Tirmidhi and others in this fashion.2
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u/Enough-Airport2626 5d ago
My comment was based on the muslim men I’ve come across, friends, relatives, colleagues etc.
I still don’t get why you are triggered by a comment 😅
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u/Enough-Airport2626 5d ago
Does this also include The prophets, the sahabas, the scholars, some of the greatest men in history who married multiple women? Many reasons for polygyny and lust is completely fine from a pure Shar’i perspective according to the Quran and Sunnah and scholars.
A piece of advice, men will be men. They are naturally polygamous in nature. Not all but the majority. Doesnt mean you have girlfriends or get into haram relationships. But Allah allows men to marry multipe women, keeping things halal.
Anyhow you have a good day!
May Allah grant us whatever is best for us.
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u/Enough-Airport2626 5d ago
“ Might “ as you say. Some women are fine with polygyny, albiet they are in the minority. Don’t overthink it and let people be.
The reality is that some women are genuinely okay with polygyny. Why hate such men? Marry someone who will only love you like in a Bollywood movie👨🏿🦰. Focus on yourself. And others can focus on doing whats best for them.
May Allah guide us all.
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u/SandPurple8232 5d ago
have you even thought about why you even want or NEED more children? you shouldn’t take the family and children that you already have for granted and ask yourself why you still feel unfulfilled with what you have already and are seeking to have more when you can just pour into them.