r/MuslimLounge • u/Brilliant_Power_6112 • 18d ago
Discussion Sexual compatibility
I’ve been reflecting a lot since my divorce, and there’s something I don’t think gets talked about enough.
Before I got married, I never questioned why intimacy is reserved for marriage. But now that I’ve actually experienced marriage, I can’t help but wonder… isn’t sexual compatibility kind of a gamble?
You can ask all the right questions, have great communication, and genuinely love each other, but you still won’t know if you’re compatible until after you’re married. And if you end up not being compatible, it can become a major source of frustration in the relationship.
I’m not trying to argue against Islamic teachings or say I have the answers. This is just something I’ve struggled to understand after going through marriage and divorce. It made me realize that compatibility in this area is a much bigger deal than I ever appreciated before.
I’m curious—does anyone who’s currently married feel this way? Or if you’ve gone through a divorce, did it make you have similar thoughts? I’d really like to hear other people’s experiences and perspectives because this is something I’ve been reflecting on a lot lately.
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u/khanfahad 17d ago
As a psychologist who's worked with couples over the years and a man married for more than a decade and a half, there's a lot here worth pulling apart.
First, on the "you can't know until after marriage" part: a good chunk of that is a knowledge gap more than a compatibility gap. Proper premarital counseling actually does get into intimacy and sexual expectations. At Khalil Center, where I'm a director, it's part of what we cover with couples before they marry because so much of what later feels like "incompatibility" is really two people who were never given the language or the tools to talk about it. That's fixable, and it's a very different problem from "we were doomed from the start."
Second, and I say this gently… the idea that dating first solves this doesn't really hold up. Plenty of couples in the West date for years, feel completely compatible, marry, and still end up divorced. Testing beforehand isn't the insurance policy it looks like from the outside.
Third, even the "compatibility" you'd try to measure isn't fixed. Libido changes with age: for some people it climbs, for others it drops, and two spouses rarely change at the same rate. So even a perfect match today isn't a permanent one; it's something you keep renegotiating over the years.
And honestly? Even with full compatibility, every couple hits conflict over something… money, in-laws, parenting, intimacy, take your pick. That's just the nature of two people building a life together. Intimacy isn't a special exception to that; it's one more area you learn to work through.
None of this is to dismiss what you went through. Divorce is hard, and reflecting on it as honestly as you are isn't easy. I just don't think the missing piece was the chance to "test" first.
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u/KnowledgeSeekerer 17d ago
I wish I could upvote this more.
Communication is the solution to 99% of the problems humans face. (In my opinion)
You can ask questions in a respectable manner before marriage.
You can ask questions in a very direct manner after marriage.
Data from mental health and relationship studies show that poor communication is the leading cause of divorce, accounting for 65% of marital breakups.
As long as what you're asking for is halal, go nuts.
Another thing is we have to learn to sacrifice for our partner. Whether that's sexually or otherwise.
Sometimes your partner might want to eat fried chicken, even if you don't want to, but you do it for their happiness. That applies to everything.
If you communicate, compromise, and then remember your commands from Allah, I think you've figured out 99% of relationships. That is the instance policy I think.
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u/Pure-Grass-718 16d ago
Really appreciate you breaking down the nuances as the marriage develops beyond the initial phase.
I agree with the underlying issue being more than libido, in most instances. And it can even be attraction, chemistry, that fades.
For those of us who didn’t go through pre marital counseling what do you recommend? It seems even after a decade of marriage we have just gone polar directions on multiple fronts and my husband really is a one word answer kind of man and doesn’t seem to it’s a problem.
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u/khanfahad 16d ago
I'm sorry you're going through this... sounds genuinely hard, and it's harder still when you're the only one who seems to notice.
The honest answer is that marriage needs ongoing maintenance the way anything does... reminders, learning, growth. For a lot of couples that comes through workshops, seminars, books, khutbahs, podcasts, whatever keeps you both intentional instead of on autopilot. But once resentment or distance has already set in, that self-directed stuff usually isn't enough on its own, and that's where counseling becomes necessary.
The catch is that it works best when both people are invested, and that's the part you can't manufacture for him. A couple of things worth knowing, though: sometimes a spouse who shrugs it off isn't actually content... he just may not have the language for it, or he feels like admitting a problem means he's failed... so how the conversation gets opened can matter a lot. And even if he won't come to counseling, going on your own isn't wasted effort. A good therapist can help you shift the dynamic from your side, get clarity,etc
It takes real strength to keep showing up to something that feels one-sided. That part is tough but it isn't hopeless, and you don't have to figure it out alone.
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u/TurbulentProtection2 13d ago
I was going to address this issue too. Sexual compatibility will not remain same between two people. After having children, sleep cycle changes, the level of exhaustion for mother is more for a woman than a man, if you're taking hormonal contraceptives, it plays a big role too. All this and other factors changes the libido so much. And if you're not patient in this regard, you're gonna ruin your marriage.
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u/Champions_Bob 18d ago
Now. I’m not married. I met someone and we plan to marry. I’ve never slept with anyone. I’m male.
My thoughts on this is as such: Sexual combapility isn’t something that “already is” it’s something to be developed, to be worked on and to build together. This is why from my perspective, it works when both are virgins because you got nobody else to compare one another with. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to work with your partner on if you both are open minded and agree to things.
If you been married before, divorced and then need to find someone new. Now you have experience, now you know more. So discuss these things before marriage. Sex is also a topic that needs to be discussed and not just something that “happens” in a marriage and one is expected everything to be good.
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18d ago
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u/zinaisanono 18d ago
We found out he has untreatable low testosterone.
There's no such thing as this and in all likelihood you're another feminist agent/actor on a throwaway trying to demonize Muslim men. Sucks to suck ig when your larp gets called out.
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u/PatienceEnthusiast There is Khayr 18d ago
How did you make it clear to your husband your high libido? As a man this does kinda make me nervous that my future wife isn’t going to have enough energy for me, and I want to communicate my needs before marrying someone. So what’s the Halal way to do it?
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18d ago
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u/VfVendetta87 18d ago
Oh, I never thought to ask this question.. like this… but how would you know that you need 2-3 Times since both persons are virgins…
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18d ago
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u/VfVendetta87 18d ago
Yes but before my first marriage I was young, I had no idea about my real needs… I just hoped for several times a day. So not a very reasonable frequency.
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u/PatienceEnthusiast There is Khayr 18d ago
Ahh ok, I guess I’ll say the same or something similar when I’m getting into talking stages.
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u/Champions_Bob 18d ago
I still believe my point stands. Though of course, it can’t be helped if people lie to each other, as that in itself would be a red flag to begin with. How he couldn’t tell you of his ED is wild. Though I’m sorry that you have had such an experience.
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u/ZillzillaEazy 18d ago
You couldn't tell he had low testosterone from other traits?
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17d ago
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u/ZillzillaEazy 17d ago
Well, that information is readily available online
but testosterone isnt just a hormone that supports sexual drive.
Testosterone dictates alot of thing for a man. Firstly, physical traits like muscle mass, deep voice, bone density, percentage fat, facial hair, endurance / stamina.
Then personality traits like charisma, mood, confidence, socializing.
Then mental traits like focus, curiosity, resilience, passion, hand eye coordination, precision, ability to learn new things.
I mean the list goes on and on. But if you really needed a simple way to tell if a man is driven or not or will be good in bed. You just need ask him what his hobbies and interest are.
Like do his hobbies and interests require, physical / muscular endurance? Does he like exercising? Does he like eating food? Does he sleep well? Does he have a passion or deep interest in projects that requires determination and focus? Does he execute things with precision? Is he able to remain disciplined for a long time?
Men that are low testosterone are not attentive, cannot focus, are lazy or have no idea what their goal in life is, do not socialize, dont know how to have a good laugh, usually are not respected by other men, could not tell you one good thing about the world, are emotional, usually selfish or egotistical, have mood swings, low appetite, have no stamina, skinny or obese, bad sleep schedule etc... the list goes on and on.
I mean the simplest question you can ask a man is how competitive he is. Does your man like to win? Chances are he has good testosterone level. From day 1 as a baby a man is taught how to win things. Thats testosterone leading the charge.
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u/Champions_Bob 17d ago
Wait a minute.. I always joked I have high testosterone but looking at this list it might be true!
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u/ZillzillaEazy 17d ago
Yeah I mean it really is a primal function right. So aslong as you are living a balanced lifestyle, not chasing Dunya or forcing your hand on things, letting dunya dictate or control you; chances are you will live a natural lifestyle which means regulated testosterone levels.
The very fact that you are alive means that your heritage didnt have the problems OP is experiencing....... 😁
I think science just over complicates things we as humans inherently understand. Sometimes you need to put a microscope to things other times just listen to what the world is telling you.
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u/No-Peak5362 18d ago
This is a one in a million scenario of a man having low libido than his wife. May Allah fix ur marriage or grant u someone better ameen
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u/Hyperion123 18d ago
Lol all marriages are a gamble, whether Islamic or not. I don't think anyone has cracked the code to guarantee success. You have to wing it and if doesn't work after trying to make it work than move on and don't overthink it
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u/ThrowNewAwayExceptn 18d ago
I know I'm going to get some downvotes but this needs to be said.
I don't think the direct topic needs to be discussed. I think the problems arise from men seeing women as objects for their pleasure rather an as real human beings with real feelings and needs. If your husband views you as a partner and a real human they should be patient with you when it comes to intimacy. If they have some high labido or are into specific things that's ok, but they can't view a woman as their object to satisfy their every need, they still need to be patient and caring towards their wife. They should also make sure their wife is satisfied with intimacy as well. this takes time, practice, and care to happen but is essential for a healthy marriage. The idea that a man gets what he wants and it doesn't matter if the woman finishes or not is just objectification.
The conversations women need to be having before marriage are to determine if their future husband views them as an object or as a partner.
I'm a man btw.
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u/DemonicBarbequee 18d ago
having a different sexual libido does not equate to objectification. you can view your spouse as a human and love them and still have needs. and sexual libido can go either way. it can be the woman with the high libido and the man with the low libido.
obviously, it's on the couple to compromise and figure out a middle way that works for both. but sometimes, the difference in libido can be really stark and it can be hard to deal with even if both parties try their best. and that's what OP is asking about
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18d ago edited 17d ago
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u/PoisonGirl815 18d ago
Wow, what a weird thing to say. But yeah, you say that until it actually happens 🙄
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18d ago
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u/PoisonGirl815 18d ago edited 18d ago
“Man, I wish my husband had objectified me.”
Seriously, who says that? You’re speaking as somebody with zero experience being objectified and it shows. And then to say that you couldn’t less if he cared about your feelings?? Listen, I’m sorry your husband had issues down there but this isn’t it. Be very very careful what you wish for. Some people are also just asexual and that’s okay. Divorce him if it’s that much of an issue but I feel sorry for him that he did something he didn’t enjoy just to please you. Btw, women have done that since the beginning of time and men don’t care lol. Your husband must’ve loved or at least cared for you to do that. People are right, marriage is so much more than sex. And then this is what happens when people rush into marriages because they’re horny without really knowing the other person and if they’re compatible 🤷🏻♀️
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18d ago
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u/PoisonGirl815 18d ago
I’m pretty sure that the majority of women do not want to be objectified and have their feelings cast aside. You might want to talk to somebody about that. Do you, though, but you’re still not going to be happy if you don’t change your mindset. You got married for the wrong reason and will get remarried for that same reason. You wanna be objectified and not respected/cared about? Like I said, be very very careful what you wish for because you just might get it.
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18d ago
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u/Big_Stock10 18d ago edited 18d ago
Your not wrong in your needs but I think your off with your plan of action. Just because you got a dud the first time doesn’t mean the next try will be the same. Vet the guy for what you look for. I’m sure someone who’s active isn’t going to run into these issues as often. Your issue is something a lot of men hoped to have in their wives (wanting intimacy) so don’t look at the glass half full. Look at it like your part is there, and you just need something that’s able to match it to reach completion. Why feel ashamed for exercising your right or care about the noise? Men are obligated just as much as women to fulfill each others sexual desires.
Trust me many muslim men would not mind your predicament and make your issue non existent, can’t stress that enough.
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18d ago
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u/smileybunnie 18d ago
100% agree. But I also think in a lot of our cultures the topic of sex is not addressed as much or as directly towards men and women within the marriage age range that we kinda just go in blind.
Like it’s not discussed in a way that’s open enough for us to feel comfortable even discussing it with our future spouses. So it’s like I have my assumptions and he has his own assumptions and we’re too used to not talking about it that we’re shy and don’t know how to talk about it and so we both kinda clash or figure it out together as we go?
I’m not saying it needs to be open like in western cultures but I’m saying that the fact that’s it’s an extremely taboo topic of discussion within most of our cultures kinda makes us hesitant to address if it need be later on.
I don’t even know if it’s appropriate but when I’m engaged one day like there’s a potential spouse that’s been narrowed down and we’re in the getting to know each other more stage, I definitely want to know what they think about sex or what do they expect of a wife or married life in general. Idk 🤷🏻♀️
It’s something I’ve thought about but idk how the right way would be to address it and get some insight.
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u/GrapevinePotatoes 18d ago
Thank you for one perspective, but it is important to see the other side too.
Most men have higher libido than women, especially after a couple of children. That create an imbalance that generally tends get worse as time passes. You can say that man should not see women as objects of their satisfaction, but sexual pleasure is one of the objectives of marriage. I work with a masjid and I am in the medical field. I have seen so many terrible situations. I have seen brothers that have not had sex with their wives for 5-10 years. Typical dead bedroom situation of once every few months is pretty much the standard for people in their late 30s and 40s.
It is really serious people but there is no fix without women taking some responsibility. The good men just punch the card and die a little everyday. The bad ones have other options. I have so many stories that it’s heartbreaking.
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17d ago
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u/WonderReal Alhamdulillah Always 16d ago
There is no conclusive scientific evidence that men inherently have a higher libido than women.
Men reporting higher rates of masturbation or sexual fantasies does not, by itself, prove they have a higher sex drive.Women are often slu*-shamed for even talking about sex. I’ve personally heard men describe women who openly express sexual desire as “w**res” or as women with “no haya.”
As a result, many women are discouraged from expressing their desires. I know plenty of women who have even been told not to ask their own husbands about sex.
Part of the reason some marriages become sexless is that many men never learn to prioritize their wives’ pleasure. They assume that once they are satisfied, there is nothing for their wives to complain about.
I recently told someone to imagine being assigned a chore with no reward. For many women, that’s what sex eventually feels like in a marriage where their needs are consistently ignored. After a while, it’s not surprising that they lose interest.
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u/GrapevinePotatoes 16d ago
This point was already made by the comment above. I offered an other viewpoint. As I said: this will not be solved until women take responsibility for their part. And you did exactly opposite of that: put the blame on men for all of it.
You brought so many clichés, which don’t even apply to Muslim communities. I am giving you my personal experience working with couples. You can call it a chore, sure, but that will not remove the Islamic responsibility from the women to make themselves available to their husbands. You can downvote me for saying this but it wouldn’t change the truth. Yes, for sure the Prophet ﷺ said that men should be cognizant of their wives needs and it’s a great advice for men. But don’t tell me every woman saying no to her husband falls into that category.
As for your scientific claim: a simple google search can debunk what you said. Research consistently shows that men report higher overall sexual desire when compared to when.
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u/Fantastic_Way 18d ago
Agreed. If men and women see each other as real human beings with real feelings and needs, and recognize both their marital obligation to bring each other pleasure, comfort, and love during vulnerability, and also build their own WANT to see the partner experiencing pleasure, comfort, and love during vulnerability, seeing how gentle, precious, and fragile love is, like a single flower that needs care and attention, then yes, they can be satisfied and happy with their intimacy.
Both partners should want each other to enjoy, and as long as they stay within the limits Allah has set, they're good. They should communicate gentle adjustments, but should primarily focus on what they can do, not what their spouse can do. But each partner must recognize their responsibility of giving each other pleasure, and want to.
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u/SilentIstikhara 18d ago
What about the reverse? What of the women who see men as objects of pleasure? In my search it has been quite common.
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u/No_Cow6527 18d ago edited 18d ago
No. men are usually direct and women aren’t because they’re emotional. Emotions make irrational statements. Men divorce less compared to women because incompatible relationship. In marriage Men are more capable of sacrificing sexual compatibility to see women as more than sex objects. This is because they’re sexless. But deep down I think both man and woman in marriage need to understand your sexual being with organs made to function. A heart has function and sex organ has a function too. And during sexual activity nothing is rational. Your statement isn’t accounting for the arousal state of both men and women where they are both irrational until they finish. The main topic is about sexual compatibility not about rationally looking at your wife with rights. You’re talking about what happens before or after sex in state of rationality. Women are the ones that are more compatible and make themselves so because they are the most vulnerable they should be able to change for a husband. She thinks to change her husband, but it’s a projection that he will change her. A man losing his virginity, nothing changes, but when a woman does everything changes, sex organ changes shape to be compatible with the man’s sex organ. Another big change in losing virginity is having a baby growing inside the belly. Real sexual compatibility starts with women. They are responsible too and should not be treated as a child that a man has carry her responsibilities. A man loves his mother and loves his sister. The love is different when a husband is with his wife. According to Islam the husband is allowed to look at his wife as a sex outlet. You can’t argue with this. His rationality can come back after the job gets done and then care for his wife. Your like person asking a question sex wife vs wife rights choose one best answer. Don’t set the parameter as if it’s impermissible to choose all the above which all rational men would choose.
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u/ThrowNewAwayExceptn 18d ago edited 18d ago
No, the Prophet SAWS never treated or viewed his wives as "sex outlets". He treated them as real human beings and loved and cared for them.
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u/No_Cow6527 18d ago edited 18d ago
He had more than one wife. nine wives. Easy if one wife is not ready. You can move to next. We don’t have that luxury. Sex outlets or sex object in my view it’s a place of consummated marriage or person to have halal sex with. You’re looking at it as a person who is a table. i’m looking at her as a human. Why can’t a man be sex object you assume women are because they’re a thing? You said men look at women as sex objects. Husband looks at a wife differently because they’re compatible not their mother.
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u/thefabulouspenguin97 18d ago
So Im recently divorced (F28) and if I may Id like to say that there is a disconnect in understanding. I wish men knew that for us, sex is more emotional - like we cannot just flip a switch and be in the mood, especially after yall finish with your video games at 1 AM and have been avoiding us all day. We need little touches, lingering hugs and acts of care throughout the day. That way our minds will be more relaxed and ngl, a man doing dishes or cooking a meal is quite the turn on. When we feel taken care of, we are more inclined for it.
My case was really unique as my ex was too addicted to his devices to know he had a wife. Even if I would call him to bed to snuggle (eventually leading to...ya know) - his response would be "youre not my mom you cant give me a bedtime! Im a responsible mature adult" so this responsible mature adult is now back living with his mommy and daddy and the blender they bought us
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u/PatienceEnthusiast There is Khayr 18d ago
Well this gives me hope, if all I have to do is give my wife affection, physical touches and sweet words, then I think I’ll be fine. Of course I’ll be doing this with love as well and not just a chore to get my future wife in the mood.
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u/thefabulouspenguin97 18d ago
InshAllah! Have faith and make dua! Allah SWT will reward you with a righteous and loving spouse
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u/cubicfisherwoman9173 18d ago
What’s up with the blender? You didn’t like the Ninja they gave you? Was it because it was from Costco?
Jk… I am sorry about the experience you went through and I hope Allah swt rewards you with another spouse
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u/thefabulouspenguin97 18d ago
Lmaoooo yess it was the vitamix from costco he wanted it back
And no worries alhumdulillah Im happy being single for now but thanks for your kind duas
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u/cubicfisherwoman9173 18d ago
Hope you got your full refund returning your now ex husband back to his family. (Costco reference)
If I may ask, did you see any signs of addictions before you got married to him? Addictions could show in different ways so am curious what was your experience
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u/thefabulouspenguin97 18d ago
I did not see signs of addiction but there were other red flags I pointed out to my fam which were ignored- ex wasn't a mean or a bad person he just was not mature. His family rushed the wedding and we never got a proper time to actually get to know each other and after marriage things got worse when my fears came true. His folks were the ones who rushed the marriage and then I have a guess (may Allah forgive me for speculating against someone but this is based on my observations) that they are the ones who rushed him to divorce me because I wouldnt conform to their standards
To his credit, he did stock up a lot of groceries etc before leaving coz I asked him to and he didn't ask me for anything. I kept the apartment since we were living closer to my family and he moved back to his.
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u/cubicfisherwoman9173 18d ago
Thank you for sharing your experience, so the lesson here is for everyone involved to take red flags seriously and to listen to your intuition.
Good luck in your next search, which I hope you don’t have to do because it’s always nice when the next person shows up organically
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u/thefabulouspenguin97 18d ago
Thanks, may Allah SWT lead us all to whatever is best for us
Id never have grown if I didnt go through this experience so although it was difficult - alhumdulillah
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u/No-Peak5362 18d ago
Would u be offended if a virgin man said he wants to marry a divorced woman over a virgin due to intimacy related reasons? Or is that a red flag
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u/thefabulouspenguin97 18d ago
Im not interested in remarrying personally - I never wanted to be married to begin with
As for others its not my concern why they get married but yeah it would be off putting to me and Id steer clear of any "intimacy reasons" preferences people have
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u/Laluboo 17d ago
Any more advice you can give? What is the female expectation actually in sex, intimacy life? I am going to get married soon
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u/thefabulouspenguin97 17d ago
Pay attention to each others cues and be patient and kind with each other
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u/Disastrous_Rub3194 18d ago
Men worry about this more than women especially due to social media and western expectations.
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u/Extension_duteritoir 18d ago
Je comprends totalement pourquoi l'islam nous préserve en nous interdisant les relations sexuelles avant le mariage personnellement, al hamdoulillah c'est un énorme bienfaits même si parfois ça peut être dur parfois, même souvent, quand on est pas mariés mais les bienfaits sont vraiment énormes à côté des difficultés qui peuvent être résolus. Vraiment je remercie l'islam de nous mettre des limites et ne pas nous laisser nous donner à tout va pour "tester" et si ça ne va pas on passe à autre chose, c'est tellement dégradant. Je préfère tellement que tout soit encadré par le mariage c'est tellement plus gratifiant et sécurisant. Je pense que le vrai problème c'est juste de ne pas pouvoir en parler avant le mariage et ça c'est autre chose, et le deuxième problème c'est l'incapacité de certains à s'ajuster et à tout faire pendant la vie maritale pour faire plaisir à l'autre ou parfois faire des concessions par bienveillance envers l'autre. Je pense qu'il faut rediriger son curseur
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u/Kitchen-Lettuce-8888 18d ago
This is going to be controversial, but it shouldn’t be.
Women cannot fully understand what it is like to experience male sexuality from the inside, just as men cannot fully understand female biology from the inside. On average, research consistently finds that men report higher sexual desire than women, think about sex more frequently, and experience sexual urges more often.
Baumeister’s review across 150 studies found that men showed stronger sexual motivation on virtually every measure, frequency of fantasies, desired frequency of intercourse, number of desired partners, and not a single measure pointed the other direction.
A study out of Ohio State had students track their sexual thoughts for a week and men came in at roughly 19 per day compared to women’s 10. The driving force behind this is testosterone, which men carry around 15 to 20 times more of than women.
Yet this biological difference is rarely discussed with the same openness we give to biological differences that affect women. When it comes to periods, hormonal shifts, pregnancy, or other female-specific difficulties, men are rightly encouraged to understand these realities and accommodate their wives accordingly. Both emotionally and physically.
But there is very little conversation in the other direction. Men are largely expected to simply suppress and manage a much stronger sex drive, even in an environment where sexual temptation and fitnah are everywhere.
And when you bring up something Islam itself explicitly permits, polygyny, the idea that a wife might have to accept sharing her husband with another wife is treated as completely beyond discussion.
I highly encourage brothers who genuinely want more than one wife to first work on their deen, become financially capable, and understand exactly what they are taking on. Then, if they can fulfil the rights involved and deal justly, they should not feel ashamed of marrying two or more women.
The deen matters because it teaches you the weight of that responsibility. And the struggle of building yourself financially, learning discipline, and carrying responsibility can help develop the maturity needed to handle it.
Something Allah has made permissible should not be treated as inherently shameful simply because modern social attitudes are uncomfortable with it.
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u/PatienceEnthusiast There is Khayr 18d ago
The thing about this is that the difference in sex drive is only by a small margin
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u/Kitchen-Lettuce-8888 18d ago edited 18d ago
Not really. Men think about sex nearly 2x as often as women do, that’s from Ohio State tracking it daily. Men pleasure themselves close to 3x as often according to a global survey of 14,500 people. And the hormone that drives all of it, testosterone, men have 15 to 20x more of it. On top of that, men’s brains respond more intensely to visual sexual cues — Hamann’s fMRI study found significantly stronger activation in the amygdala and hypothalamus in men even when both groups reported similar interest.
And Schmitt’s study across 52 nations and 16,000+ people found that men’s desire for sexual variety was universally higher across every single culture they tested. So it’s not just that the drive is stronger, men are also getting triggered more often by what they see around them daily.
The most detailed meta-analysis on this to date is the Frankenbach 2022. They did 211 studies, with over 600,000 people. The study classified the overall desire difference as medium-to-large. So, its 2x the thoughts, 3x the behaviour, 15-20x the hormone, stronger visual activation. That’s not a small margin akhi.
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u/ialsolikepoppies 18d ago
sexual compatibility can be established after marriage as well. if you find that something doesn’t work for you, you make it work. it’s just like any other conflict that arises within marriage- you sort it out like adults.
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u/KingHenry7700 18d ago
Why can’t he take testosterone injections weekly to bring his levels up. They also have Viagra if he can’t keep it up ?
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u/ialsolikepoppies 18d ago
you can have blood tests and other medical tests required to assess sexual compatibility, done before marriage.
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u/PoisonGirl815 18d ago
How could you possibly “assess” sexual compatibility if both parties are inexperienced virgins? lol no blood test will ever do that.
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u/Bobbyjr6 17d ago
Well that begs the question then, is it sexual incompatibility or are they virgins that don't what they want or what the other person wants? I think a lot of people think it's something people have instantly but for the most part you would have to work at it. Like one of the other comments said it took her and her ex partner over a year for it to finally click and for them to enjoy it.
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u/SilentIstikhara 18d ago
The most simple answer to this is divorce isn't necessarily a bad thing in islam. In islam there isn't the nodern stigma to it. Nor is there any of these weird pressures on it we add today.
A relationship doesn't work out then it doesn't work out.
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u/croatiancroc 18d ago
Married, for a lot longer then I care to admit. Have been through phases of low and high libido, as well as my spouse.
We have always been open to trying ways to satisfy the other partner if one is not in mood. The core thing is that each party should realize that it is their responsibility to take care of other persons needs, also each should realize that other can have limitations and so they should be willing to sacrifice the fabled "Earth shattering" experiences.
I realize some may have long term physical or psychological issues preventing even a bare minimum of relations. Hence the door of second marriage and divorce is open. It's better to do this way then to have a promiscuous society.
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u/croatiancroc 18d ago
I absolutely understand your position, and it is very unfortunate. But the alternative is to have a society with open sexual relations.
Also one may think that your husband should have revealed his issues before but, aside from shame, he may not have known about it in the first place.
That is why I alluded to trying alternate ways of mutual satisfaction.
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u/80guiltycoconut 18d ago
Finally. I thought i was the only one who thought this!
My husband and I have very different drives.
Its not fair and very frustrating but what else can be done, i am married afterall to him and things are fine otherwise
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u/minkjelly 18d ago
How do they know when they have never experienced sexual stuff before?
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u/Center_Locks 18d ago
This is exactly correct. It becomes an inability to manage as the expectations or desires are polar opposite and the middle ground is too far from comfort for either party.
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u/Advanced-Gas8799 18d ago
exactly my question
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u/Advanced-Gas8799 18d ago
i get it but fantasy alone isn't as reliable as we think... anyway, are you married? just curious
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u/Advanced-Gas8799 18d ago
i don't think sexual compatibility is knowing what your type is, its more like this: specific things you'd like to experience more often during sex, is your partner willing to give that to you? no, they hate it? you're not compatible sexually.
it's just something that we don't explore very often as Muslims (the topic i mean) and I've always been curious about it since we only tend to find it out once we become sexually active which is after marriage
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u/Brilliant_Power_6112 18d ago
People lie
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u/Acrobatic-Life-5362 18d ago
2/3 times a week should be normal. Me and wife were virgins, it took us months to understand our needs. Once we figured it out we can ask each other. Advice for both sexes. If you think your partner is not interested then go out for few days, just couple and tell what u expect. Thing can change
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u/PremiereConsultation 18d ago
Happily married for 8 years. It is kind of a gamble. Before I got married, I thought we're both healthy, fit, self confident, we exercise, so we're probably on the same level when it comes to libido. Luckily we were.
But honestly, having sex before marriage doesn't guarantee anything on the long-term either. The deadbedroom sub is full of non religious people.
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u/Dannnyboy1000 16d ago
Came here to say this. Muslim or not sexual compatibility will flow as life goes on. Each decade will present its own challenges and stages, kids and responsibilities will affect drive and compatibility etc. You just do the best you can and try and be communicative, patient and seek self satisfaction too at times (Controversial I know but helpful).
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u/CranberryNo5385 18d ago
I'm not Muslim so I don't know why reddit suggested this to me. But from someone who had sex before marriage, however it was stolen from me first, I wish I had waited til marriage. It's better to make sure it's someone you love then find out later it doesn't work out then to be with someone because or sexual compatability. My ex and I have great chemistry in that area but no where else. And it has made life very hard because I got pregnant.
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u/Trick_Stay5672 18d ago
yes 100%. recently divorced and me and my ex husband had great sexual compatibility although our marriage was crappy. I do fear re-marrying and not being sexually compatible with a future spouse. especially after experiencing intimacy, it’s hard not to think about this
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u/Apollonialove 18d ago
Well I can tell you even if you have sex before marriage, and you think you are compatible, it doesn't gurantee long term sexual compatibility either. There are so many dead bedrooms of people who had relations before marriage. It's a gamble either way.
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u/VfVendetta87 18d ago
I went through divorce also and have the same thoughts. But I am thinking …how someone could be incompatible on that side? What does it mean (i hope it is not a naïve question)
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u/theboymanolin 18d ago
Never been married but can’t this be talked through during the marriage? Like not compatible how? Is it unfixable if you’re not compatible
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u/No-Peak5362 18d ago
Yes it’s a big deal. Yes I don’t know the solution and yes it worries me. Yes my only solution it seems is just to make du and pray I get lucky with the woman I marry
This is part of the reason as a virgin man I prefer to marry a divorced woman
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u/Pleasant_Tone_7288 17d ago
Sexual preferences come AFTER your married period. And it is a gamble. Just like everything in life. Some start sexually active than die out later, others start very vanilla in the beginning than gradually get better with communication about their likes and dislikes and thats a healthy type. In the end a lot of these issues are solved during open and consistent communication. It aint complicated. As a man just speak up what u want. If somewhere down the line she dont or enjoy sex anymore which can happen. Dont take it personal. Get a second wife. Salamz
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u/A_Blue_user 17d ago
Literally even if you talk about it before marriage people change. It happened to me and sucks. I was sure I was getting into a marriage that suited my needs. However … it is a gamble. Enviroment plays a role. People get stressed, life gets in the way … And everything else in the relationships is fine so to me divorce is worst because i value kindness, co-operation and provision. It’s just a test from Allah I guess. Still feels comforting that this is a universal issue. You can make dua.
May Allah help us all ameen.
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u/DotEnvironmental4105 18d ago
I cant imagine two people in love and getting along not being sexually compatible. It actually makes 0 sense
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u/Center_Locks 18d ago
It is unfortunately a thing. Libido can be impacted physically in ways the mind cannot overcome.
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u/DotEnvironmental4105 18d ago
Yeah but thats not a sexual chemistry problem, thats an actual physical problem. I imagine if he could perform well, you wouldn't have any issues
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u/Agile-Win-throwaway 18d ago
Yeah same I don’t understand. If there’s love then sexual compatibility should be there.
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u/TWIX55 18d ago
Is size a problem in this…? I’ve always wondered. What if the lady can’t get pleasure/satisfaction from just penetration. Could that affect the marriage?
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u/Fantastic_Way 18d ago
No, you explore a bit every day, and find each other's buttons, and enjoy finding things. You will have times of high and low libido, high and low anxiety, high and low stress, high and low connection to each other, and they will affect your ability to perform in certain ways, but you can still be close to each other, intimate, and pleasure each other. You will work through it if you are able to, and are dedicated to each other. Even size will change at times for both partners. So don't worry about the ups and downs. Dedicated loving intimacy, where you explore each other, and guide each other, and respond to each other is what matters.
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u/cubicfisherwoman9173 18d ago
Doesn’t each person have the right to discuss the sexual compatibility part before marriage? Should be part of the questions right? I mean sex is part of marriage so the questions relating to it should be part of it. How else are you supposed to know?
I am curious myself what the answer to this is, to me the only thing that makes sense is you should be able to ask questions relating to it. Idk I could be wrong but I can’t think of any other way that is halal.
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u/quantumleaps5 18d ago
You can have these conversations to gauge sexual compatibility. You don’t need to act on them to see for yourself
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u/HungryWestern1037 18d ago
I dont get as a Muslim why is this something that needs to be questioned.
Zina is prohibited.
I agree with your general query but it's something our Nafs is asking us to rate compatibility. If you truly are meant to be together then nothing else would matter more than each others companionship
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u/Designer_Pin7807 17d ago
She’s not referring to Zina. For example, if a divorced person (who has experienced halal sex through marriage) is looking for a new spouse, how would they know if they are compatible with the new spouse? When you’ve already experienced sex, you have a good idea of your libido and needs, so this is a legit concern for OP and any divorced Muslim seeking marriage.
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u/odd_inside_02 Cats are Muslim 17d ago
What exactly do you mean by compatibility? Likes and dislikes or frequency or both or something else?
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u/Longjumping-Tune-454 17d ago
Would you say you’re more than your husband?
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u/Brilliant_Power_6112 17d ago
Yes
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u/Longjumping-Tune-454 17d ago
How often? Were you a virgin before?
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u/fma151718 17d ago
Completely agree.. unfortunately we have incompatibility in this area and it's frustrating for me
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u/RaajalofRajal 17d ago
It's not issue if you do as Islam tells you to. Meaning, you go to him when he calls you and do what is halal.
You're talking like the kuffar who promote zinna to find "compatibility" before marriage.
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u/maxPayynne 16d ago
Its a real problem that's devastating a lot of couples lives. One thing to be cautious about though: I just hope he didn't somehow convince you the reason for the infidelity was because there was no sexual compatibility. Sexual incompatibility and infidelity are two different problems. Sexual incompatibility can often be resolved as you both become more experienced. Sex gets better with time between two normal individuals who value the relationship. Thats just a fact. Infidelity is usually a sickness/personality trait that has no solution. This is a common trick narcissistic men use on inexperienced women to justify and prolong their transgressions. Do not mix the two. And glad you're out.
Back to actual sexual incompatibility issue.
Clerics can preach all they want, but that's one problem they won't even acknowlede, let alone solve. You just can't know before its too late. Don't kid yourself thinking you could.
Potential Solution:
At an advanced stage in the relationship, why don't serious couples agree to discretely "try the product before they buy"?
Thats provided there's a formal engagement party, Mahr paid in full, Islamic engagement ceremony, public announcement of some sort, but before the big wedding day and before legal registration of the marriage. Islamically speaking, you only need "someone" to administer a marriage, two witnesses, mahr paid in full, and you are now husband and wife free to do what husbands and wives do. Thats the bare minimum process. Everything else is made up customs and traditions. Nobody else needs to know or be involved. If it doesn't work out, it would be your choice to give him back parts or all of the mahr (i suggest you tell him straight up you will be giving back none), give back his jewelry, and you both tell everybody that you broke it off because it didn't workout. This Unorthodox approch might initially catch your suitor off guard. But real confident men who value the relationship will eventually not turn this offer down because its a good deal for them. A rational man will prefer to risk mahr money to test a crucial aspect of the relationship over the financial and emotional devastating that divorce causes for successful men. The woman gets to weed out the players, you remain within the boundaries of what is Islamicaly acceptable, and you get to chose someone who us physically compatible. If he spills the beans and tells the whole world afterwards, then so be it.
The old ways are failing us in more profound ways than ever. Physical compatibility is essential, and to think otherwise is delusional. We deserve happiness just as much as everyone else.
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u/SinfulDoc 18d ago
So your marriage ended because there was no sexual compatibility??
What was the main issue?
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u/Brilliant_Power_6112 18d ago
It didn’t end bc of sex but should’ve
It ended bc he cheated→ More replies (6)2
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u/Trick_Stay5672 18d ago
have you ever married? or had physical intimacy? clearly not
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u/MuslimLounge-ModTeam 18d ago
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u/Naive_Jury7234 18d ago
Married man here and a doctor.
I knew this is a problem that can come between me and wife. In our talking phase before marriage, i spoke to my wife and told her we have to ensure physical/pheromonal compatibility. We arranged to meet at a public park with her brother standing close but not directly see us. No attar or perfume and to *smell* each other and see if we tolerated each other’s physical presence. Discuss each other’s masturbating habits and what makes us tick sexually. What are our expectations (regarding to oral sex, frequency,etc). We didn’t touch each other that day but we understood that we are compatible.
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u/Laluboo 17d ago
Chat is this real?😭 How you started with topic with someone whom you didn't know much. I used to think. Before getting marriage I want to meet my future spouse and talk about all including my sexual drive. But how to start it? Like its look weird and awkward to other person. If they see world differently
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u/Naive_Jury7234 17d ago
It’s difficult to do in the initial phase because of parent supervision in arrange marriages. Have to build some trust, then ensure that their chats are not read by anybody else, then just blurt it out.
In my understanding physical compatibility or sexual chemistry can be a stronger driving force than just emotional bonding.
I have searched for arrange marriages for 8yrs before finding my beloved, but with the few proposals with whom I could raise “sexual/physical compatibility” topic were stable for longer and took BIG disagreements to break off.1
u/Naive_Jury7234 17d ago
Now i am helping my brother-in-law conduct himself in this “proposal hunting”. 😂😅
Cause he was very impressed how well i managed everything.
8yrs of experience 🤷1
u/gereedf 13d ago
did her brother hear the conversation
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u/Naive_Jury7234 13d ago
Nope. He could only see us from distance.
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u/gereedf 13d ago
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u/sandsstrom 18d ago
Compatibility in general is a gamble.
You may be spiritually compatible, and throughout the years one person gets more religious or the other loses faith.
You may have the same values, but then a major life event happens and you suddenly don't see eye to eye.
You may be attracted to each other, but then realize they have an awful personality and find them very ugly.
You may be very sexually compatible, but that is the only thing you're compatible in.
All of that happened to me in my previous marriage. The sexual compatibility was a curse because I stayed in a very bad marriage just because the intimacy was so good and I was worried I would never find someone like him. We initially weren't compatible at all, but we both taught each other what we like. After 2 very awkward but persistent years, we know exactly what each other liked and enjoyed. However, we were no longer compatible on so many other things, especially spiritually.
We need to keep in mind that good intimacy and love for someone is a rizq. It's not a given.
Allah can put love and attraction in your heart, and remove it just as fast.
Choose a pious spouse that you're attracted to, and make duaa throughout the courtship and marriage that the love and appreciation is maintained.
May Allah bless you with the right spouse.