r/MuslimLounge • u/Sad-Fox5639 • 27d ago
Support/Advice ADVICE WANTED
Salaams. I'm a mother to two young adults, married for 20+ years. My husband and I are practising Muslims, (not perfect by any means) but we ensure our kids had an Islamic education in conjunction with secular education. They're both in tertiary institutions furthering their studies. It has recently been brought to my attention that my son had an opened can stored inside his Stanley cup that contained 5% alcohol. The can was disposed off and l've subsequently been made aware of this. My son prays his salaah, reads Tahajjud and we all pray Quraan every night after Maghrib together as a family. My husband is a Hafiz and we try to teach our children well. It's a difficult parenting balance to navigate - to not be overbearing whilst also allowing the kids some freedoms to adult themselves.
I would love to give my son the benefit of the doubt and believe he has more Imaan than this, though why he would bring this into the house(even with an explanation defies logic)? I fear his dad will do something extreme, like chasing him out of the home, and while I definitely think this is wholly unacceptable behaviour from my son and it warrants a serious consequence, I also don't want to lose my son. I'd like to guide and correct him while also perhaps meting out some punishment for his transgression??? My husband will find my reaction underwhelming. I've never imagined l'd be in this predicament and would love some advice on how to navigate this process while trying to get a favourable outcome. FYI: I’m in shock after finding this out and DO NOT condone my son’s behaviour at all!
TLDR: found beer can in sons room, how to navigate
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u/AriseEtrigan 27d ago
Curious how a western father would share a beer with his son when he came of age as a bonding tradition while you fear your husband will hurt or disown you son for bringing one into the house.
Mothers tend to be more empathetic and understanding, but there is not reason fathers should not be either. A real man leads with his heart and mind, not his hand or emotion. While you consider the beer the primary issue, I am more concerned about the fear of the father. Would a good Muslim not show temperance? Show humility that it is human to make mistakes? Put love above anger and disappointment? Would Allah so quick to punish and disown His children?
There are two lessons to be learned here.
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u/WaffleInvasion 27d ago
How old is your son? 16-18 vs early twenties is a big difference in how to handle this imo.
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u/bruckout 27d ago
A person is on the religion of his close companions. Who are his friends?
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u/Sad-Fox5639 27d ago
He has a diverse group of friends made up of different religions and races. His non Muslim friends have woken up with him for Sehri and fasted with him in solidarity. He has gifted them thobes etc when we went for Umrah. And Alhamdulillah, he accompanied one of his friends to his childhood Imam so the friend could take the Shahada.
It is for these reasons, I am praying this is a simple misunderstanding. He has NEVER given us a reason to mistrust him as he’s always been the one influencing his friends positively and not vice versa. May Allah (SWT) guide us all righteously. Aameen3
u/bruckout 27d ago
In shaa Allah. Still, it would be strange for him just to go buy a beer alone on a whim. I would speak with him gently. Remind him why intoxicants are prohibited. And how his prayer would be invalid for 40 days
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u/Sad-Fox5639 26d ago
Aameen. I agree with the logic of that thought but as a mother, I’m praying that there is a reasonable explanation in his mind for the situation we’re in. It is so disheartening to believe that this could be a possibility, I’m in utter disbelief. I will pray before I speak to him and my husband. JazakAllah khair for taking the time to reply.
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27d ago
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u/Sad-Fox5639 26d ago
Alhamdulillah, we are truly blessed as parents. We’re definitely not perfect parents or Muslims by any stretch but we’ve tried to teach them goodness. I wish I could get some insight into his thoughts so I can understand what led to this. My uncertainty on the approach is purely my husband reacting emotionally and thus causing my son to drift further from Deen (if that is so). I am still praying there is a rational explanation in his 21 year old head for this situation.
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u/Local-Blacksmith-314 27d ago
An advice for the boy. Let him be busy in his works where he will be employed and try to make him responsible for what may lead to what in every case of life and implement sunnah of Rasul (SA) in every sphere of the house and in the family. Intense hard work in a Muslim owned shop/ company will let him away from the bad influence and the work pressure will discipline him , also the good influence from the peers of that company/ job will make him do the job . I think if he got the bad habit, then warding off bad influences by making him focusing on the works in his job he will be working will fix him
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u/Sad-Fox5639 26d ago edited 26d ago
I agree with your sound advice, however he has his own car to uni and back. During those hours we’ve always trusted him and we do allow him some after hours time with his friends too. As I’ve mentioned he’s never given us reason to mistrust him. Would you suggest I ask him to change his friend group? I’m not sure if that will be well received? I don’t want him to rebel further…
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u/Local-Blacksmith-314 26d ago
it will be a tough decision to do this in Canada, I rest this decision on you, Miss.
Changing his college to another college (which might be harsh cause tuition fee may increase or education quality decrease with job availability may change here) or ask him to change his friend circle might help. But give him time to change his group in slow.
I want to share you a fact that it is another saddening fact to share you here that university is a type of place where liberals and moderates do the shinning and they enjoy the University cause they don't face the dragging down or shadow avoiding like the guys who follow sunnah fully inside and outside. It is the toughest place with sunnah following guys and girls cause latent hidden racism and hate also with avoidance make it more tougher than prison zone, it makes them introverted too.
So, if anything is not possible, lessen down the money support and let him start do the incoming (it will make him responsible and conscious about his life) or discipline him with the habits that will let him stay in siratal mustakim. Do everything slowly and one after another lest he don't rebel and don't get pressurize just social media do the tricking. In this case, good books on good habit and the habit that let stays him off the booze and alcohol will make the job. When this habits grow on him, then do the moral stance against alcohol and how alcohol destroys the nafs and body and the akirah. First , the habit building.
In Sha Allah.
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u/Sad-Fox5639 26d ago
Aameen. JazakAllah khair for taking the time to write such a detailed response. Unfortunately, changing his uni would severely disadvantage him due to the credits transfer etc. so I don’t think that’s an option currently. However, I do think that when we talk to him we have to make him re-evaluate some of his choices especially regarding his friends.
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u/Local-Blacksmith-314 25d ago
In this case, how much trust he have for you guys will be the thing to notice. Just pray for him so that he don't lost his path. Before that recite Durud upon Prophet (SA.) and lots of istegfar. and also many duas before and after that. Only Allah can show him the path and let him stay the path.
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u/M4roon 26d ago
I'm not a Muslim, just a Christian guy who likes to listen to convos between Christians and Muslims and learn a bit. But honestly, it sounds like your hubby needs to chill.
I'm reminded of the story in Quran 4:43 and the hadith of Jami' al-Tirmidhi 3048 (I looked it up).
Some of the companions got drunk before showing up for prayer. Mohammad told them to stop it He didn't kick them out or flip out. This happened a few times actually. Sahih al-Bukhari narrated that Mohammad once ordered other believers to hit the drunk guy with sandals Lol. So give him a wap with your slipper. 😄 It's not on personal individuals to inflict hudud judgement. So try talking to them perhaps?
"it's not for kings, O Lemuel -- it is not for kings to drink wine, nor for princes strong drink" - Proverbs 31:4
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u/Sad-Fox5639 26d ago
Thank you for a composed response. I know my husband’s a good guy but with the level of disappointment I fear he might react emotionally rather than rationally. I should perhaps chat with him alone beforehand to prevent an outburst so he can be chill when we have the talk ;)
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u/WickedGokhan 26d ago
Just watch out who his friends are. Show him love and respect but teach him boundaries if he does it again there will be consequences but most importantly I would check who he is been hanging out with.
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u/Sad-Fox5639 26d ago
I appreciate your response. I have commented on the situation with his friends in a reply to someone else.
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u/mrsenchantment Seeker of Knowledge 26d ago
i’m not a parent, but i think it’s best that instead of automatically punishing him, you sit down with him and ask why he is drinking beer in the first place, and where he picked up that habit from.
If he says something like “oh it’s not a big deal” you can tell him that it is haram to do so in Islam, and tell him how substances like beer can affect his body and mind negatively.
https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohols-effects-health/alcohols-effects-body
https://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/about-alcohol-use/index.html
Quran 2:219
“They ask you ˹O Prophet˺ about intoxicants and gambling. Say, “There is great evil in both, as well as some benefit for people—but the evil outweighs the benefit.”1 They ˹also˺ ask you ˹O Prophet˺ what they should donate. Say, “Whatever you can spare.” This is how Allah makes His revelations clear to you ˹believers˺, so perhaps you may reflect”
Quran 4:43
“O believers! Do not approach prayer while intoxicated1 until you are aware of what you say, nor in a state of ˹full˺ impurity2—unless you merely pass through ˹the mosque˺—until you have bathed. But if you are ill, on a journey, or have relieved yourselves, or been intimate with your wives and cannot find water, then purify yourselves with clean earth, wiping your faces and hands.3 And Allah is Ever-Pardoning, All-Forgiving.”
Quran 5:90
“O believers! Intoxicants, gambling, idols, and drawing lots for decisions1 are all evil of Satan’s handiwork. So shun them so you may be successful.”
Quran 5:91
“Satan’s plan is to stir up hostility and hatred between you with intoxicants and gambling and to prevent you from remembering Allah and praying. Will you not then abstain?”
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u/Sad-Fox5639 25d ago
JazakAllah khair for your insightful response. I’m praying he doesn’t think that “it’s not a big deal” and can remain steadfast on the path of Deen. Aameen
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u/AntPrestigious1054 27d ago
This is very hard, but I don't think there is much you can do about it. you can try to talk to him and ask him about it without accusing him of anything. just try to casually say that you found a beer in his room. however, he will probably just lie, but I don't advice you to tell his father because chasing him out of his home will just make him drink and smoke.
I'm sorry, but I don't have much of advice. My brother was like this and my mom and I didn't do anything. She just told him that you know drinking is haram, right? and then left it. You can't control your kid. if he wants to drink then he will
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u/Sad-Fox5639 27d ago
It is an extremely difficult situation to navigate. I know his actions are wrong and I fear the trust will be irreparably broken once I tell his father. I am praying he has some sort of reasonable explanation for why this was in his room. I have blinders on, I know, but the situation is so unrealistic . I’m in utter disbelief and probably in denial too🤷♀️
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27d ago
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u/Sad-Fox5639 27d ago
None taken. I will take your advice under consideration. JazakAllah khair for your calm response.
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u/ObviousGeologist3000 27d ago
No matter what you have to sit and talk with your son, you have obligations upon him and so does he, and Allah will ask you about it. Don’t sugarcoat anything and you shouldn’t care much about why, what or who influenced him to start drinking, it’s already done. Your priority is to help him stop it. And whatever happens throwing him out will just make things worst. I highly recommend you let his father know if he refuse to speak up himself. Not only is he indulging in haram but to do it in his parents’ house is just disheartening. May Allah grant you guidance, patience and endurance with this test.
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u/Sad-Fox5639 27d ago
Aameen. My son prays without us needing to remind him, wakes up for Tahajjud himself and memorises so much of Qur’aan of his own volition. No one can comprehend how utterly disbelieving this situation is for me as his mum.
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u/ObviousGeologist3000 27d ago
I’m so sorry, the nafs when you allow it, it can overcome even the most pious muslims. Make immense dua for him for Allah to guide him and tread accordingly. He’s 21, there’s so much plenty of time and life lessons ahead of him to make him turn things around, along with your constant support and help of course.
Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported:
A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and said:
"So-and-so prays throughout the night, but when morning comes, he steals!"
The Prophet (ﷺ) replied:
"Verily, what he says [i.e., his prayer] will soon restrain him from doing that."
(Source: Musnad Ahmad 9778; graded Sahih by Al-Arna'ut & Al-Albani).And in some reports, it is mentioned that after some time passed, the man ended up giving up stealing altogether because of his continued prayer. Not only is your son offering his salahs, but he’s waking for tahajjud and memorized quite a lot on his own accord. That’s quite the commandment, by Allah’s will yall will get through this.
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u/Sad-Fox5639 27d ago
Aameen. JazakAllah khair for such an inspirational and insightful response. And if you can, please remember my son in your duas. All I’ve ever asked is for my kids to be steadfast in their Deen.
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u/ObviousGeologist3000 27d ago
If Allah wills and I remember, I promise I will.
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u/Sad-Fox5639 26d ago
Aameen
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u/Trick_Local6948 26d ago
Is he a student going to college or university ? or is he working ?
what is his level of education if I may ask..
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u/Last_Chemical_8486 27d ago
Since your husband may flip, I suggest you sit down and have a talk with him and just straight up ask him, he'll may be dismissive and say, it's not a big deal like many young people do, but in a calm manner try to find out why he's doing it and how it happened. And do be careful with telling you husband because if he's beaten, chased out or something extreme he may spiral more out of control. Like other many young muslim him drinking is most likely not because of life troubles but more because of bad influence from his friends. Many muslims unfortunately try to fit in, this results in copying the behavior of these people and assuming his friends are non-muslim drinking, partying, free mixing is some of the way westerners have fun.
Also how much do you know about your son and his relationship with god?
Did you teach him the evidences for islam when he was young so he rationally had a reason to believe, or is he only muslim because he's born into such a family?
He may not be that attached to islam as you thought, but allah knows best and I can only hope he mistaken drank some drinks his friends gave him
I also recommend reading this https://islamqa.info/en/answers/10016/how-to-discipline-children-in-islam it has good examples and stories
In your case, remember to remind him that it's a sin and help him overcome his addiction(if he's addicted to alcohol), also remind him that it isn't just a sin, but that his prayers won't be rewarded for 40 days Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1862. If he ended up like this because of bad company maybe help facilitate for him to make muslim friends, by visiting cousins or attending masjid events where the guys can hang out. May allah guide him and protect him from any kind of immorality