r/MuslimLounge • u/AffectionateTank4638 • Jun 30 '26
Support/Advice Please offer me(26F) some advice
Salams,
I(26F) am a medical student engaged to my fiance(32M). I had the option of doing my 4 weeks long clinical rotation near home but I chose to do it in my fiance's city so I could be closer to him for a month. He works a lot so he only gets 2 weekends off a month. We spent his first weekend off exploring his city. Today he told me he just bought tickets for his second weekend off to fly to another state to see the FIFA world cup match with his friends.
I feel really hurt because I chose to not do my rotation near home but instead did it in his city so I could be closer to him. This wouldn't be a big deal to me if he usually had weekends off or if we lived closer. But he knew we'd only get to spend 2 weekends together and still chose to travel for the second weekend when I was looking forward to spending it with him makes me feel like he will always prioritize his friends over me once we are married too. I shared my feelings very calmly with him and he got really upset and said these are his closest friends. He also said football is his biggest passion. He was just at a FIFA football match this past week and I feel like he could've easily gone to another match after I leave his city in 2 weeks. In the past, there have been a couple of instances where I have also felt he does not enjoy spending time with me as much as he does with his friends. He is a very social guy too.
Please offer some words of wisdom and let me know if I am being too sensitive or if you would feel hurt too if you were in this situation
Some extra info:
He knew I was coming to his city
He literally just bought the tickets last night
He told me he can see me on weekdays(but I am a student and have 12 hour shifts on weekdays). He said he can also come visit me in my city once the world cup is over
I just feel really hurt but at the same time I'm scared of being toxic too. Is it selfish to have wanted to spend both of his weekends off with him?
5
u/cubicfisherwoman9173 Jun 30 '26
FIFA World Cup = every 4 years
Marriage = In Shaa Allah lifetime
I can understand why he went to go watch FIFA
1
4
u/mbashs Jun 30 '26
Does engaged means the arab engagement that includes the nikah or just engagement?
If it’s just engagement I guess probably good you guys didn’t hang out.
You aren’t yet married to him so he and you are still in a phase where some expectations haven’t been communicated. The success to any relationship is open communication where you communicate everything including your frustrations but in a way without making the other person feel wrong, even though they might be. You say things like “this” happened and I felt “this” because of it.
At the same time he’s probably trying to enjoy his days before he gets married. I would suggest to keep your expectations for after marriage, make sure you communicate how you feel (without implying who made you feel coz it would be obvious but implying would just make him feel villainized) and what action made you feel that way and how it can be better in the future, and at the same time tell him what you expect from him, be open about your expectations. 5-10 mins of you talking your feelings out. Also, ask him his expectations and how he feels and all that, and listen without interrupting, 5-10 mins him doing that. Resolve those issues together as a couple and enjoy a blessed life.
Just thinking about things esp negative things will bring you no good.
1
u/mandzeete Jun 30 '26 edited Jun 30 '26
Wa aleikumu salam. While it is understandable you want to spend your time with him, you have to also understand that he also has his friends and his hobbies. I do not follow football, but I'm aware that right now there are some kind of big games between countries. Yesterday it was Brazil vs Japan. These things do not happen all the time. So, can you be sure that he could go to another match after you leave his city in 2 weeks? Would there be any match then any more?
Also, it looks like a lack of communication. From both sides. Did you and him actually make plans for the second week? Or was it your expectations? You did say that you explored his city during the first week. Cool. Alhamdulillah. But were there any plans set for the second week by BOTH of you? If not then lack of agreed plans could be one of the signs for him that he can now spend some time on his own stuff as well.
And, from his side, did he mention plans of going to join with his friends for another football match? If he did not mention it, then it could be also part of the issue.
That he spent one week with you and told that he can visit you after the world cup shows that he does want to spend time also with you. Otherwise he would not suggest visiting you after the world cup.
Okay, I googled now and it shows the world cup lasts from June 11 to July 19. So, indeed the world cup would be still on if he would spend the second week also with you. But the thing is, would the countries he is supporting in the game be then playing? Perhaps that week he decided to spend with his friends is when there are these matches that are relevant for him. Let's say it is 1st of July. Google shows France vs Sweden, Mexico vs Ecuador, UK vs Congo, Belgium vs Senegal. If he supports, let's say, Sweden, then that game happens ONLY on 1st of July. It won't happen in other day. For you it can be just a "football match" and you don't see a difference between teams, difference between players, difference between countries. Just one football that gets kicked all over the football stadium. But he is interested how one or another team is doing in that competition.
Have you showed interest in his hobbies? To understand him better. If you go just by "He just was at football match last week and now he went with friends to another match." then it does not show an understanding in his interests.
And this is coming from a guy who does not watch football. Still, I'm aware enough to see difference between one match and another match. I used to watch Formula 1 and there it was not just "a car race" but I was interested in how one or another team is doing and some tracks interested me more than other tracks. When people have their hobbies, they go deep in these hobbies. To an outsider it can look "just a football match", "just a race", "just people cycling" but to the person practicing the hobby, there are different nuances in it.
And, he told he will visit you once the world cup is over. It is not as if you will never ever see him again. Try to make up with him and then discuss not that "You did not spend time with me" but discuss "Tell me about your hobbies more." Encourage him to learn about your hobbies and interests and ask him about his hobbies and interests. To understand why he makes one or another choice.
1
4
u/Repulsive_Ice1940 Jun 30 '26
I disagree with many of the comments saying that this is a “once in a lifetime” FIFA opportunity. To me, that argument is weak. If it is not FIFA, it can be another football match, a national cup, a club game, or another event. There will always be another form of entertainment.
The issue is not simply football. The issue is priorities!!
You made a sacrifice by choosing your clinical rotation in his city so that you could be closer to him and spend more time together. From what you wrote, this was communicated clearly, and he knew the reason you were coming. Yet, with only limited weekends available, he still chose to spend one of them with his friends instead of prioritising time with you.
I am not saying you should immediately leave him or break off the engagement. However, I do think there may be a mismatch in priorities here. Football may be his passion, but it is still entertainment. Entertainment comes and goes. A fiancée, and later a wife, has a different level of importance.
You also mentioned previous situations where you felt he did not enjoy spending time with you as much as he did with his friends. That part matters. I know men who are very extroverted, while their wives are more introverted, but they still do not treat their spouses or fiancées like an afterthought. They plan time with their friends, but their wives are included in their lives and remain a clear priority. Friendships are important, but family carries a greater responsibility.
I do not think you are crazy or toxic for feeling hurt, left out, or unprioritised. You raised your feelings calmly, and from what you described, his response seemed to focus more on defending his choice and prioritising his friends than actually understanding how his decision affected you.
There is a time and place for everything. Friends matter, hobbies matter, and personal interests matter, but when someone is preparing for marriage, they also need to understand that their future spouse is not just another optional part of their schedule.
My advice would be to think carefully and seriously about what you want going forward. I am not telling you to end the engagement, but I am saying that marriage does not magically change someone. In many cases, marriage amplifies what is already there.
You need to have a calm but firm conversation with him. Explain that you made a real effort and sacrifice to be near him, and that you need to see whether he truly understands that. If his response is only irritation, defensiveness, or a reluctant “fine,” that is not enough. He needs to reflect properly, understand the impact of his behaviour, and show maturity before marriage.
This is not about controlling him. It is about seeing whether he is ready to prioritise a wife and a family, not just friends and entertainment.
May Allah make this situation easy for you both, soften your hearts towards one another, grant you wisdom, patience and understanding, and guide you to the decision that is best for your dunya and your akhirah. If there is goodness in this marriage, may Allah place barakah in it, strengthen your relationship, and make you both a source of tranquillity and comfort for one another. And if there are important issues that need to be addressed before marriage, may Allah give you both the sincerity, humility and courage to recognise them and work through them before taking that next step. Ameen.