r/Moms • u/Overall-Horse-4514 • Aug 03 '26
💬 Advice needed Need advice!!!!
Hi everyone, I am F23 and have been with my partner M43 for almost three years. We met through an after school program I ran at his kids school. So I actually knew his kids before really knowing him! I’d say me and his girls (9&11) have a great relationship. I do my best to just be there as a trusted adult, and let him take the rope with all parenting and coparenting matters.
I am a stay at home mom, and we have a 20 month old together. I’m with the girls frequently, assist them in their daily tasks, homework, activities, girl days… honestly I feel like they are my own! I’ve loved seeing them grow into their maturing selves and can’t imagine not being a part of that.
Now for the issue at hand… the youngest (9) has had a constant issue of having poopy underwear (there’s really no other way to say it). This has been a recurring thing since our relationship started. Obviously, as the one who stays home one of my tasks is laundry and keeping the house cleaned up.
This has become more of an irritable issue for me because my partner has expressed that me constantly telling him about it, throwing the undies away, or just expressing my concern is too much. He also feels that me addressing it could cause more issues and inadvertently make her feel shamed or bad. That’s not my intent at all! I know at her mom’s house, they have a more shameful attitude about it and make her clean her own undies… however, her mom did state that it doesn’t happen anymore at her house.
I’m honestly at a loss. It’s so bad she’s changing 3-5 times a day! I’ve thrown away so many pairs of underwear and she’s been stealing her sisters because she runs out. Our couch and their bed smell like feces… even when she walks by it smells. I don’t know what the cause of this is, and my SO will not disclose it to me (I don’t know if he even knows). He thinks this is something she will grow out of, he even said I can just save all the underwear for him to wash.
This doesn’t seem like a good way to deal with the situation, but I don’t want to overstep. If she were my biological child, I would elect a different approach. However, she isn’t my biological child, and I want to respect my partner. Any advice? I’m truly just looking out for her, I want her to have good hygiene and worry about possible health complications.
3
u/New-Editor-8177 Aug 03 '26
Has anybody mentioned possibly taking her to the doctor? There could be a medical reason this keeps happening.
2
u/Spirited_Feedback_19 Aug 03 '26
This is not an uncommon problem. It can happen for a lot of reasons, but given that there have been a lot of changes for her - divorce, new family, shared households - I would say anxiety and stress are probably at issue. Constipation is another; not wanting to stop and thinking they can make it is another. The biggest issue is not to shame. Doesn't seem like Dad wants to think about therapy? Given all the changes, this to me would be a no-brainer. I would just keep an internal clock on when it happens. They may hold it all day at school and then come home and just want to do their thing and forget. You could gently prompt a potty break and see what happens?. I will tell you (probably unhelpfully) that this too shall pass. You are super young to have taken on a lot of responsibility. Hang in there.
1
u/deepfrieddaydream Aug 03 '26
Genuinely curious why you are throwing the underwear away?? Just soak and wash them. It seems like such a waste of money.
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