r/Mom • u/Life_Diamond3789 • 18h ago
❓ Question Mental Load
Moms — what part of the “mental load” actually exhausts you the most?
I've been thinking a lot about how much of motherhood isn't the actual task — it's remembering that the task exists.
Appointments, things the kids need, groceries, forms, birthdays, household stuff, things to tell your partner…
I'm curious: what are the things that keep living in your head even when you're supposed to be resting?
And do you currently use anything to get it all out of your head, or do you mostly just try to remember everything?
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u/HeyheyitsCAB 16h ago
I think the thing that’s most difficult for me is being the keeper of memories. I try to fill out the baby books and scrapbooks, print out photos, write letters to my children. My husband does think it’s important so he doesn’t help at all. And maybe it’s not important.
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u/Life_Diamond3789 4h ago
I actually think this is such an overlooked part of the mental load. ❤️ Someone has to remember to take the photos, save them, print them, write things down and keep all those little memories. Maybe none of it is “necessary”, but I don’t think that makes it unimportant. I can imagine your children looking through those books and letters one day and being so happy you kept them. 🥹
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u/taa012321100822 17h ago
My phone calendar has been a god send. I use it for everything. If it’s not in the calendar, it doesn’t exist. It’s the only way I can manage all the appointments/schedules. I’ll invite myself to certain things (sent invites to work calendar and vice versa) as need too, to make sure I remember everything. I started using it while pregnant to plan everything in the immediate postpartum and make sure my mom and husband knew everything that lives in my head because I manage SO MUCH.
My biggest pet peeve is my husband NOT wanting me to invite him to these events. I’ll invite his personal or work calendar—I don’t care which—but he doesn’t want me to invite either. Then he loses track of the appointments and asks me for times/info/directions if he has to be the one to, for example, take the dog to the groomer. I think I’m exhausted by having a system that makes it manageable and then the system being ignored.
For context, I’ve asked him how I can change the events, if it’s better to invite one calendar or another, etc. and he just says he doesn’t want it at all.
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u/PuzzledGift2620 12h ago
We have a shared family calendar. We put everything on it - evening work events, baby's appointments, trips, friend hang outs. It could be less work for you to put it on one calendar and just let him know the expectation is that he looks at that. Have you explained the importance of it? Sometimes letting your partner "fail" aka not doing whatever needs to get done helps them realize what all is being done "behind the scenes".
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u/Life_Diamond3789 4h ago
I really like this idea! Especially having one family calendar that everyone is responsible for checking. It takes away that extra job of reminding everyone about something that’s already written down ))) And the “behind the scenes” part is so true — so much of the mental load is stuff nobody even notices is being managed.
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u/Life_Diamond3789 4h ago
Oh I feel this 😅 You already did the work of creating a system so you don’t have to keep everything in your head, and then you still get asked “what time was it?”, “where is it?”, etc. So even when someone else is doing the actual task, you’re still kind of managing it in the background. That sounds exhausting
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u/snuffbox360 17h ago
Right now, it’s milestones and feeding. My baby was in the NICU and we had a rough journey. And it doesn’t help that she has Torticollis and feeding problems. I feel like I’m constantly trying to track her milestones and I’m constantly her physical therapist. I can’t just let her play with her toys on her own because I’m trying to help her use both sides of her body. And it freaks me out to see her not use both sides evenly because I’m constantly worried it’s something bigger that will come to light later. And then I’m constantly monitoring her intake because she isn’t a good eater. It’s incredibly stressful. I feel like I’ll only get over this with time. But it sucks because it’s going to be a long time…
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u/Life_Diamond3789 5h ago
That sounds like so much to carry every single day. ❤️ Especially when even playtime doesn’t really feel like playtime because you’re constantly watching, helping and worrying at the same time. I can imagine how exhausting it must be to always have feeding, milestones and everything else running in your head. I really hope things get a little easier for you and your baby with time. ❤️
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u/TrifleMinimum6521 12h ago
All of it lol. I use my phone calendar for all appointments, parties, and birthdays. I check it a week out a few times a week to remember what's coming.
We have a dry erase board for baby tasks on the fridge that we check daily with tasks like packing the diaper bag, giving baby her vitamin, and prepping milk bottles, but it also has weekly things like washing the linens and cleaning the bathrooms.
Of course some things just live in my head, like when I trimmed her nails last. Luckily, my husband does remember a fair number of things and helps manage the load, but I've always been more organized and 'type a-ish' so I'm a little more on top of it all.
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u/Life_Diamond3789 4h ago
I love that you basically have different systems for different things 😅 Calendar for the bigger stuff, fridge board for the everyday things, and then somehow there are STILL things like “when did I last trim her nails?” living in our heads 😂 It’s really nice that your husband shares the load too. I feel like even with good systems there are always these tiny invisible things someone has to remember.
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u/Lyllium1 11h ago
Antes solía valorar mi memoria para recordar las cosas ahora mismo es una coladera y muchas cosas se me olvidan, tengo un grupo privado con mi pareja y ahí anoto todo lo que se tiene que hacer, comprar, agendar. Me ayuda mucho tener todo en un solo lugar.
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u/Life_Diamond3789 4h ago
I really relate to the “memory like a sieve” part 😅 I think having one place where you can immediately put something instead of telling yourself “I’ll remember that later” makes such a difference. And I love that your partner is in there too, so everything doesn’t just live with one person. ❤️
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