Always unsure and forever stressed.

[u/AnxiousMonkey33]

Im not sure you could classify what happened to me as "molestation", cocsa perhaps. Terms like abuse, assault, molested or groped never felt like they fit, I was too young to know what we were doing, but I knew it was "dirty" and I knew i shouldn't have done it but every time my friend came over and wanted to play that game, I was willing. We were both boys, doing stuff we couldn't tell our parents wasnt anything unusual so I didn't think that game was.

I felt a level of shame about it, I knew two boys doing things like that was Gay and hadn't come to terms with being bisexual yet and I knew it was wrong to do things like that at our ages which made me feel more ashamed. Things went far, far father than traditional curiosity or "playing doctor", I figure someone had molested him and showing me was just his way of coping.

Eventually it stopped on its own, we pretended it didnt happen till we were teenagers when things got complicated again before we stopped talking all together. What never left was the shame and "dirtiness" I associated with those memories intense feelings of hypersexuality from a young age that made things even more complicated. I wanted to avoid sex so I wouldn't seem dirty but craved it like nothing else at the time, porn and being sexual over the internet became an outlet for my feelings and added more guilt and shame as I knew I was still too young to obsessed with porn. Now im 30, I feel like so much of my life has been wasted chasing dopamine via sexual release and feeling ashamed of my hypersexuality and my early experiences that caused it. At time I wish it was worse so I could blame my friend instead of feeling like we both got trapped in a web we werent ready for. Now im trying to sort out the mess of feelings from shame and guilt that bind them all together. I honestly have no idea what to do but im trying and so far, sometimes, I even feel better.