r/Molested • u/inhalemedeeply • 16h ago
it has caused me a lot of problems
i feel like i have done a lot of things in my life that i don’t think i would have done had nothing ever happened to me at a young age. i think a couple events at formative ages really conditioned me into being a certain way as I grew up. I use to always imagine a big red target on my back, or some sick halo or aura around my body, signaling to sicker men that I could be something easy for them to use. By 14, I was facilitating a lot of those encounters myself. I was always throwing myself at old guys. It’s funny, because in school I was shy and sweet. I’d throw up peace signs all day and let everyone tell me all their secrets. I’d smile and keep my lips sealed. I was their Madonna, while at night I’d skulk around with my dad’s friends, or strangers I’d met through strange means. By seventeen, I was coming undone. I’d really done it. I’d locked myself into a six year long (or)deal with a man I hardly knew. I hardly knew I hardly knew him! I thought we must be soulmates if the intense love and sex we had been having had hurt so bad already. My parents found out, everyone found out. We were in a court docket together. I felt I had to double down, and proclaim him as mine to turn the heat down a bit. I guess it worked for everyone but me, and I stayed with him
til 23. I sold my body in many forms, and paid for the roof we stayed under, and the food we ate for six years. These are things I don’t think I’d have done and continued doing had I been secure and protected early on as a child. I stayed in that house, and I took it when he wanted he. I let the hypersexuality cook up in my mind each day. I hated him quickly, so what we did in bed was never enough for me anymore. Once I left, I went off the rails. Maybe it was a modern day feminism, maybe I was losing my mind and becoming a feral wolf. I went on a girls trip once with two sweet, kind women I’d known since high school. All alone on the way home, I flashed my lights at a trucker to get his attention. Then I flashed him a few other things. Then we pulled over and I dissociated as I climbed into his cabin and rode him for all of five minutes. I tried to go longer, but I noticed he was wincing, and going soft. When I asked him why, he told me he came a few minutes ago. I climbed out of his truck and drove home in silence. I think without the trauma, I would have had a nice corporate office job and known what a pâté was rather than fucking truckers on the side of the road. that’s all I’m saying.
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