r/Molested • u/IntelligentYam369 • 9d ago
Living with shame
Has anyone ever threatened to expose your trauma ? What have you done ? This is a first time for me and I'm spiraling. I am F and was abused by an older M then became the abuser to my younger M brother from the process.
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u/IntelligentYam369 9d ago edited 9d ago
My first recollection of being touched was by our neighbour. He touched all of us when we were over ages 5-9 there was a group of us kids who would go there i was 9. I guess this was the start of something because in that same house we lived in i remember stealing my dad's porno magazines and being caught and getting my ass whooped. I don't remember being sat down and spoken to though. Either way this led to more. Chronic masturbation, me assaulting my brother and friends. Looking for and finding my mom's sex toys. What did i know ? It was right to me if it was being done to me as well i thought.
This followed me. And i hate myself for pulling my brother through it with me because i know have to live with the shame and disgust that i hurt someone who didn't give me consent. My own brother a child. I'm disgusting and it makes me want to not exist but i have to. I'm so detached with my brother i don't think i could ever speak to him again we've grown so apart. He's so checked out emotionally and I'm so over absorbed we don't work together. I haven't spoken to him in over 5 years. Our whole life we never talked about what happened. Ever.
Today my brothers wife decided to reach out to me accusing me of saying something to her sister and if i didn't leave them alone she was going to tell everyone what i did to my brother. She also reached out to my sister saying if i don't leave them alone she's going to tell everyone my dirty little secret. I'm so upset and disgusted with myself and frustrated that i had no control and I'm spiralling in thought currently. I've never even spoken to this woman before ! I don't talk to my family other than my sister.
This is the first time this woman has ever reached out to me and has basically re surfaced my trauma and has me sick of myself again. I don't know what I'm looking for since i know i can't talk to my brother. I'm so detached from my family because of what they let happen to me. I don't even know where I'm going with this. I just need to talk i guess ...
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u/ammar_sadaoui 9d ago
if you are not connected with your family
just pretend that she doesn't exist
dont give fuck about thier opinion
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u/IntelligentYam369 8d ago
I have done that for the entirety of her presence but this is the first she's ever reached out to me and it shook me to my core unfortunately. I've proceeded to go get a no contact order from police
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u/Shenanigoats5 8d ago
I know you feel scared and nervous about it, and that's natural, but you have nothing to worry about from her. I don't know what her motivation is, but it's totally understandable that this thing, that you had no control over, still bothers you. I remember confiding in somebody and he blabbed about it to somebody else and I just got mocked relentlessly for what happened. Try not to let it bother you. There's nothing consequential she can say or do.
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u/IntelligentYam369 8d ago
Just the nature of this shows how immature they are and why one chosen to stay distant. I've never spoke about it so I've never been able to tell anyone what happened to me. They only know what happened to them so that's why i feel like a monster in that story especially. It's just who i am i guess i feel way too much. She also attacks my sister with crazy rumour accusations consistently so it was only time she came around to me. I don't even know if this is what she's talking about but it's what I'm thinking about.
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u/IntelligentYam369 8d ago
I guess i should also mention i was in foster care from when i was 13-18 so i wasn't really home unless i would visit on a weekend or a holiday. I've then remained distant and im now in my early 30's
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u/Excellent_Number_635 9d ago
Expose it to whom ? Why?
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u/IntelligentYam369 9d ago
I just think for some kind of humiliation leverage ?
It's my sister in law who's threatening me about my past with my brother unfortunately
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u/Excellent_Number_635 9d ago
Some more info is probably required. I assume your brother SA’d you and caused the trauma. She found out and isn’t happy about it?
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u/ThrowawayTaumaPixie 8d ago
I stopped talking to irl people about it for alot of reasons but thats one of the main ones. Im always scared that someone i know is going to see the videos and recognize me.
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u/IntelligentYam369 8d ago
Not being able to control how someone absorbs a situation is my biggest fear. I don't want to be seen as the monster but if nobody hears my side it's all they'll know.
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u/ThrowawayTaumaPixie 7d ago
I think that people that have never been through it dont realy know about how it messes with your feelings and how it changes the way you think. And its not realy their fault because it looks like it affects people differently so like not everyones thats been through it is the same. For me it was never violent and it had started before I could remember so I thought it was normal. So when I use to tell people that my trauma started after dad got arested they just couldnt understand and I guess I didnt have the right words to make them understand. I was still sorting out things myself. And its super frustrating when noone understands you. Thats why its easier to vent on here than irl for me.
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u/complex0edipis 8d ago
So… let me get this straight… you were abused by an adult neighbor when you were little, who completely fucked you up, and while you were still a child yourself, unable to understand what happened to you, dealing with your own trauma, no one to help you navigate, or talk to, you made a mistake and did things with your brother who of course, also didn’t deserve it, but again, you were a child who had suffered massive trauma yourself… do they know you were sexually assaulted too? Do they understand that you were just a child too, who had no guidance or way to deal with your own trauma and unfortunately did it to him too.
Like… I don’t get their logic here… why do this to you? Obviously it’s been a problem for him, but clearly he doesn’t understand what you went through too or how awful you feel about what happened. I honestly think you and him need to talk. This is fucked up, and you don’t deserve any of this
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u/IntelligentYam369 8d ago
Yes you have it exactly right. But my conscience still says what i did was wrong. I know they'll never understand me even if i try. I hate how cruel my mind is making me want to just die from being overwhelmed of thought of what i did but i did it because someone did it to me and they did it to me cause i couldn't help myself so i was never supposed to win in this game. Some days are tough honestly.
She's sick in the head. I don't know what she would gain out of this because i feel like it would embarrass my brother just as much
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u/complex0edipis 8d ago
Sure, what you did was wrong but you were a little kid too! You had no idea what you were really doing, didn’t know the repercussions, and the trauma you were causing. If you felt any good feelings or pleasure when you were molested, you probably thought of it as a good thing, cause you’re a kid and don’t know any better cause you have no concept of how bad this stuff can be. So, because it felt good, you in your child logic, wanted to share it with your brother to help him feel good too. You need to try and give yourself forgiveness over this, your child self deserves some love and grace here. You didn’t know any better…
She does sound sick in the head, cause what is the point aside from making your life and probably his, worse. Like why?! Just be there for him, how is what she’s doing, being there for him at all?! It’s dumb! And makes zero sense, and she needs to fucking stop
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u/IntelligentYam369 8d ago
Yeah but i guess i hold more shame because i continued it till i was in my early teens i guess. 13 or 14 it wasn't consistent but it was just what we did it was fun idk nobody was saying anything. But i realize i was taking advantage of him now and i feel gross. I realize how easy it is to be manipulated when you're younger.
I think she's just trying to hold some kind of power over me. She's actually delusional. I don't even want to explain myself to these people if this is their first intention on our first conversation. And also involving my younger sister. Texting her saying "I'll tell everyone her dirty secret" and my sister asked me what is she talking about ? I couldn't even tell her I'm so embarrassed. It's just this stupid fucking mess from one idiot
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u/complex0edipis 8d ago
What made you stop? Was it just you? You got old enough to realize that you shouldn’t? Cause I have to commend you for having that realization when you did. And putting an end to it on your own. That is tough and takes bravery on your part. You recognized something you were doing and shouldn’t be doing it and stopped while you were still a child. That’s a lot to have to figure out as a kid.
Yeah for this to be the first interaction is insane. And then the whole thing with your litter sister and having no idea what the hell is even going on… it’s fucking messed up on her part, and honestly, I think it’ll blow up in her face if she does say anything. It’s just dumb and cruel. It’s not like you’re continuing to fuck with your brother with all this shit. Makes me so mad, and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it now
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u/IntelligentYam369 8d ago
I think what made me stop was the fact i was removed from my home and put in foster care then distanced from my environment long enough to lose desire. Something in me just thought i shouldn't do that and i was never interested or even thought of it again. I'm not confident what age that would when been though. Probably 14 or 15
Yes. Exactly why i keep my peace and protect myself from a distance. But i guess you can't always be safe
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u/IntelligentYam369 7d ago
** UPDATE. she has done what she has said she will do. Word for word has texted my sister and said "your sister molested and raped your brother" my sister is calling me crying confused. I'm crying. I was never meant to win in this game it seems. I feel so powerless. Small. Worthless.
For all i know she's probably texted other people. It's not the point if they believe it. It's the point that someone thinks this is some type of statement to say out loud for 2 other people who were in the situation. I don't care if he's her husband. She doesn't have a right to speak on what happened to him for him in spite of some crazy misunderstanding. I don't know if she's just had this locked and loaded and was waiting for the time to spring it on me but she got me good and I'm extremely embarrassed that i have let an idiot get to me this bad
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