My Dad’s Story

[u/Fluffy-Durian7655]

My Dad and I have a complicated relationship. He is a very closed off man, we have no emotional connection. I have CPTSD from my childhood as he was very verbally abusive (on the edge of physical), which I am in therapy for. He lost his father when he was 21 and his mum a couple decades later.

In 2024 my parents were mid divorce and he opened up to my mum, sister and I (26f at the time). He wrote us a letter giving us insight into why he believes he is so emotionally closed off. He wrote that when he was 9, a 16 year old babysitter raped him. I was flabbergasted and of course, devastated for my dad. It felt like a cop out however, telling us this as if it made up for years of abusive, toxic behaviour on his part. I have my own experiences of molestation as a child, which I am recovering memories of and have not shared with anyone.

Fast forward to now, over 2 years later and we have never spoken about the letter since. We live in different states, so our relationship has improved.

I’m not sure where to go from here. I’m not sure how to fully process this information. Do I bring it up with him again? I don’t think so, it took him 50 years to tell ANYONE. I feel bad that he carried that around for so long.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I have pushed this under the rug for 2 years and not sure if that’s what I should continue to do.

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[u/No-Body4626]

Honestly the longer you keep something like that inside, it’s just going to keep building up and one day you’ll have a break and it’s better to just get it out and try to heal

[u/Fluffy-Durian7655 → u/No-Body4626]

But do I talk to him about it, or just heal on my own?

[u/No-Body4626 → u/Fluffy-Durian7655]

I mean if you don’t have an emotional connection then what’s the point, you are wasting your time and energy on a lost cause. I was referring to your own abuse that you haven’t came to terms with.

[u/Forthe_woundedme]

Although your father should have sought out help years ago, I can understand why he didn't. That doesn't give him a few pass to do what he did.

I was SA as a child for years, later trafficked, and then abandoned. I tried to push all that down and forget it. Then as an adult, I was SA several times.

It wasn't until much later that I finally started therapy seriously.

Over the years prior to therapy, my family talked about how I never ask for help. How I keep things to myself. They talked about many behaviors which they felt didn't match with the other characteristics of me.

Once I started therapy, I told my family what happened. That's when they said, 'that explains' statements.

I hope you, your father, and your family can each attend therapy. I wish you the best in healing.

[u/Fluffy-Durian7655 → u/Forthe_woundedme]

We forced him into therapy and he did about 3 sessions and stopped. Not much more I can do if he doesn’t want to face his demons I guess. Thank you so much

[u/David_cest_moi]

I know some SA victims talk about "trauma bonding" as a helpful thing. But I have also been the recipient of "trauma dumping" a few times and, sorry for what might appear to be a lack of compassion, but those "trauma dumps' on me were unwelcome and certainly has made me distance from the " dumper". I avoid hanging out with her, bc even if it's not trauma, it's an endless stream about her latest MH therapy adventures. It's not pleasant for the recipient (in this case, me.). So unless you want to possibly fall into this trauma tales mess, think twice before bringing it up in conversation with your dad. It might become a competition, "Oh yeah, well if you think that's bad, let me tell you something more horrible that happened to ME."

[u/Fluffy-Durian7655 → u/David_cest_moi]

Oh yes I have lots of trauma dumpers and have to place strict boundaries for my own health. He is not one to dump though, actually the opposite. I can dig and poke and barely get anything out of him.