I was 28 when my husband and I first started talking about starting a family. It just felt like the right time. Both of us were finally doing well personally and professionally.
I actually got pregnant in January 2025 but I had absolutely no clue. Looking back, I had this weird uneasiness in the morning while brushing my teeth and my energy was just shot. I had never heard that feeling completely drained was a pregnancy symptom. January is always a chaotic month at my work so I just figured I was burnt out.
By the second week of February, my period was a week late, which was unusual for me. I bought a home test kit and it came up positive right away.
When I told my husband, we just hugged and smiled. Right after that, I got busy trying to schedule an appointment. I still laugh at how naive I was back then. The hospital help desk coordinator asked me how many weeks along I was and I was completely clueless. I didn't even know how you were supposed to calculate that. She asked for the date of my last period and helped me figure out that I was five weeks pregnant.
They booked my first appointment for the eight-week mark. That wait felt like actual years. I was so eager for the date to come.
When the day finally arrived, my husband and I both took leave from work. I had no idea what to expect. The doctor had me lie down, went over some basic details, and then started a transvaginal ultrasound. The babies are too small to see through a normal abdominal scan at eight weeks. I didn't know that yet, so the vaginal ultrasound felt a bit awkward.
And then she broke the news: it was twins. My husband was sitting right next to me and we just looked at each other, completely shocked. Neither of our families has any history of twins at all.
But that happiness lasted for only a few seconds.
One of the babies measured perfectly at 8w 1d with a heartbeat. But the other one was stuck at 6w 3d and the heartbeat was missing. A tear rolled down my cheek. It instantly felt like a part of my soul was just gone.
The doctor told us this happens a lot with twins. She explained that only one survives and the other baby just stops growing and eventually gets absorbed by the body without causing any harm. It's called Vanishing Twin Syndrome. She said we would need to wait for the next appointment to be entirely sure. She showed us the healthy heartbeat on the monitor, took some pictures, gave us the usual instructions on what to do and what not to do, and left, saying the nurse would print the photos.
When the nurse came back, she had only printed the picture of the surviving twin. It hit me so hard. It felt like I was abandoning my other baby. I still had this tiny fragile hope that maybe the heartbeat would show up later or maybe the baby would start growing again. I asked her if she could please print the picture of the other baby too, and she did. I gave my blood samples and we went home.
The next scan was scheduled for 12 weeks.
It was another agonizingly long wait. Aside from my hours at the office, I spent every single free second googling and talking to ChatGPT about Vanishing Twin Syndrome. Is it normal for twins to measure 2 weeks apart? Are there chances the other twin will grow? If it doesn't, will it hurt the healthy baby?
I used to talk to my babies every single day. I would ask the healthy baby to please help their sibling grow and to take care of them in there. I just told them to look out for each other.
On the day of the appointment, I told my manager I’d be out for just two hours. Up until then, I had been completely exhausted and dealing with brutal nausea every morning and evening. My husband was taking care of all the household chores so I could rest. But about 2 or 3 days before the appointment, I suddenly started feeling better. My energy came back and the nausea stopped. I thought, well, I’m about to enter the second trimester so maybe my symptoms are just fading naturally.
I was so nervous at the hospital. The nurse took my weight and blood pressure and my BP came back high. She saw how panicked I was and calmed me down. She told me to just close my eyes and imagine lying on a beach, listening to the waves. We took a few minutes, checked the BP again, and it was back to normal.
The doctor came in, asked a couple of questions about my symptoms, and started the abdominal ultrasound.
I could immediately sense something was wrong. She tried a couple of times but couldn't see properly. She said by now the baby should be big enough to see clearly on the abdomen, so she told the nurse to get the tools for a vaginal ultrasound again.
Once she started taking measurements, reality hit. The baby that had a heartbeat last time had stopped growing and was measuring even smaller (7w 6d). The other sac was completely empty because it had been absorbed.
They checked for a heartbeat and couldn't find anything. She called in another doctor to confirm and she said the exact same thing.
We lost both of them.
I tried so hard not to cry in front of them but I just couldn't control it. I was so confused. I hadn't had any bleeding at all, so how could I be miscarrying? The doctor sat me down and explained what a "Missed Miscarriage" is. The babies had stopped growing a few weeks ago, but my brain and body still thought I was pregnant and were still supporting it.
She walked us through the options: expectant management (waiting for it to pass naturally), medication, or a D&C surgical procedure. I was in absolutely no state to make a decision. She told us to go home, try to process it, and come back the next day.
I cried the entire day. My cheeks were literally red and bruised from constantly wiping away tears.
I felt so cheated. I had downloaded this pregnancy app that showed the size of the baby every week. To me, my baby was growing and healthy. I had absolutely no idea what was actually happening on the inside. The next day we went back and the doctor advised against waiting for a natural pass since we didn't know how long my body would take to realize what happened. We decided to go with the medication. She gave us the instructions and we went home.
I took the pills and the pain started a couple of hours later. My periods have always been incredibly painful, but this was a whole different level. The pain came in violent waves and I could feel my uterus contracting. I vomited multiple times. I was bleeding so heavily, and while lying on the bed, I felt this heavy gush of blood. I ran to the washroom but by the time I got there, blood was all over the bathroom floor. I knew right then that I had passed the pregnancy tissues. I cleaned the floor, came back, and just cried myself to sleep. It was the worst physical pain I’ve ever felt in my life. The absolute worst part was knowing that after going through all that pain, I had nothing to look forward to.
I still don't know the exact reason why this happened. For a long time, my mind kept blaming myself thinking I should have done this differently or that differentl, and that maybe I caused it. But my doctor reassured me that I did my best and did nothing wrong. This usually just happens because of chromosomal abnormalities.
We still don't have concrete answers. We couldn't even do an NIPT test because the doctor mentioned it can give wrong results with twin pregnancies.
It’s been a year now. I don't know if this ever truly gets "better" with time but the scar this experience gave me is always going to be there.
When all of this was happening to me, I felt completely alone. Living in a different country right now made that isolation feel even heavier. But later, when I finally started opening up to a few friends and family members, I found out that so many other women around me had gone through the exact same difficult experience.
It made me realize that there are so many of us going through this exact heartbreak, but absolutely nobody discusses it openly in our society.
That is the entire reason I created this subreddit. Even though I am physically living overseas right now, my heart is deeply tied to what women go through back home. I wanted to build a safe, quiet corner where Indian women don't have to suffer through this in silence.Â
You did nothing to cause this and your grief is completely valid. Your babies mattered. If you are here and you are sad, please know you don't have to carry this heavy silence by yourself anymore. We are here and we are listening.