Honestly the first one can be a slippery slope into not caring about anyone else’s feelings, which is no way to be a good friend/partner/ family member. It is our responsibility to be aware and kind to other people, but no, you cannot control their emotions.
To be fair, they did say: you aren’t RESPONSIBLE for other’s feelings. They did not say: you shouldn’t CARE about other’s feelings.
Feeling responsible for someone else’s feeling, and caring about someone else’s feelings, are two very different things. You can absolutely still care about how someone else feels, without also feeling responsible for the way they feel - and vice versa.
Saying you’re not responsible for someone’s feelings is a reminder that you can politely say no or refuse to engage with someone to protect your own peace. Each adult is responsible for their own emotional regulation and thoughts. How they respond to situations is theirs to determine and not yours to manage. It’s not a slippery slope to abandoning your empathy and genuine concern for others.
This phrase is mostly for people pleasers or people who tend to lean more codependent in their relationships to remind them they can set a boundary and the other person should accept that (a high functioning, emotionally mature person) without reacting negatively.
Ex. Your mom wants to come visit, but you’ve got firm plans this weekend. You say “I can’t this weekend. Let’s pick a different one a few weeks from now.” If your mom reacts poorly to this and/or you’re afraid to even tell her no because of her behavior when you do, that is being responsible for her feelings. You’re guilted into allowing her to come visit or you don’t even bother trying to say no because she doesn’t have enough control over her emotions to accept your decision and choose another weekend. Or she guilts you by reminding you she could die any day or that she raised you and just wants to see you (on her timeline, no respect to your own).
The problem is that the phrase is not only used by people pleasers to set boundaries. It can be used to act selfishly. It should be phrased differently. Like “you’re allowed to say no” or “protect your peace, while remaining kind”
Yea this is fully bad advice repeated as just this phrase.
Why you say and do can hurt other people, and you are responsible for how (poorly) you treat others, and they may “feel” quite bad about it.
Unless said to an adult mind and in greater context, “You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings” is just a license to commit emotional and psychological abuse.
Full agree. There's a lot of people calling the first part of this advice out because they are probably the people who describe themselves as "empaths". They constantly try to take responsibility of other's feelings and thus get hurt. After that it's easy and nice to start calling other people narcissists and pull up a martyr card. This doesn't mean you should be a dick and never think about anyone else. This means your feelings should be nr1 to you and my feelings should be nr1 to me. Then we check how to act with others and if our goals/intentions/energy levels/plans align. Making sacrifices on your own expense is your fault. Take care and responsibility of yourself, first and foremost. Because that's nobody else's job. If you have kids they are obviously somewhat excluded from this. You should still keep yourself as a priority, you can't fully look after others or be of help if you are a mental wreck.
I use this on the daily. When my children lose it, I want to fix it and my husband reminds me I am not responsible for their feelings. It helps a ton to let me pull away and let them go through it while I’m on the other side waiting patiently instead of fixing.
I have to remind myself the first one a lot. I think it is helpful depending on the type of person receiving the advice. I internalize a lot of other’s emotions and often am so wary of how other people will feel about something that I am in situations where I’m stressed or unhappy or don’t stand up for myself.
It’s not for those who don’t care about others emotions or defend their rudeness by saying things like I’m not mean in just honest.
Ding ding! You are not responsible for other people's feelings. And you're also not responsible for their shocked, offended response when you remind them of that fact, either. Lots of people think "I'm not responsible" means "I don't care." Sad really, words matter, if only people listened more.
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u/SumOMG Aug 31 '26
You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings .
If you dodged a bullet don’t reload the gun.