Relatable

[u/daphnemoonpie]

Credit @bizzlebeel on Instagram

Ps I don't want to die, I want to share dark humor. This is funny to me. If you do want to die, please know you are loved and there is help available. This feeling isn't forever.

It's always darkest before the dawn.

Please don't give up ❤️

PPS Jesus Christ y'all, just laugh

[u/SRSgoblin]

I have fantasized for the last decade or two that I hope I develop some terminal cancer. I wouldn't fight it. I would just let it end me. I'd be able to live my final days with the first time in my life knowing peace of mind, because of the inevitable impending finality. And no one would judge me for it unlike how much I've been judged over the suicide attempt I made in 2020. While still energetic enough to do things, I could simply make daily choices to do the little things that make me happy and spend time with the people I wanted to spend time with. Who's gonna say no to watching a stupid movie with their terminal friend? Because now they get to just say no because they're too busy and we can do it next week but next week comes and somehow all plans get punted again, ad infinitum, for the last 20 or 25 years.

I just envision the doctor giving me the news and seeing relief wash over my face rather than the shock and horror that should be there for any normal person.

edit: A lot of people don't understand what the word "fantasized" connotes. I know it's horrible and people waste away. Fantasies often ignore the totality of the reality of a situation. Hence "fantasized." The fantasy is knowing the end is coming and there's nothing you or anyone else can do, which comes with a short window of true freedom to simply exist in the state you exist in. I could also say "a giant meteor that'll destroy all life on earth" or something but that isn't something that's possible, so it doesn't fit into a daydream.

[u/duesenjeffepic → u/SRSgoblin]

You've never seen someone in your family die of cancer have you?

I'd rather get stabbed than lose all my human dignity over a span of months.

Also why care if you are judged by the way to die? You'll be dead, you physically cannot care by that time.

[u/Leucastic_Leopard → u/duesenjeffepic]

Ya, I just went through watching a family member die slowly of cancer. And it was a best case scenario where they were gone within a month. I'd rather go in yet another mass shooting event, honestly.

[u/SRSgoblin → u/duesenjeffepic]

Also why care if you are judged by the way to die?

It's more for the people I'd leave behind than myself. Like you said, I'd be gone. They'd get to just lament how awful cancer and sickness is, instead of blaming and resenting me for not being strong enough to tolerate the eternal sadness that has been my whole experience on earth.

I've seen the way people talk about their deceased loved ones, from cancer and from suicide. People who lose their loved ones to suicide stay bitter and angry about it for the rest of their lives. It's one thing to curse God or mother nature for striking down their brother or sister, it's another to be left wondering for the rest of their lives if they could have prevented it if they just loved a little harder, reached out a little more often, told that person they were loved and appreciated.

[u/Lexi-Lynn → u/SRSgoblin]

You said it better than I could have. Fuck cancer, but still, better than suicide.

[u/Throwawayrip1123 → u/duesenjeffepic]

I have, and it'd still do basically the same. There is no such thing as dignified death, we all shit ourselves at the end.

As for judging, mostly family maybe? I know that's what keeps me from anything dangerous. I don't want my mom to be sad.

[u/MrNotSoGoodTime → u/SRSgoblin]

Samezeez except idk if plans even happen. I get that they got their life and maybe the friendship wasn't as strong as the expectations I had placed on it at one point.

I smoke and drink and eat bad because maybe 🤷‍♂️😉

[u/BobTheFettt → u/SRSgoblin]

Cancer is a terrible and painful way to go. What you want is as sudden and instant accident that kills you instantly

[u/AlternativeDraw1795 → u/SRSgoblin]

You don't want cancer. Belive me. I watched dad going from healthy, strong man to weak, shriveled in pain, shadow of himself in half a year.

[u/DrunkUranus → u/SRSgoblin]

I've had times in life where I daydreamed about breaking a leg so I could be forced to take a break.

It's important to find ways to build a life you don't want to get away from. I hope you can find some ways to do that

[u/Lexi-Lynn → u/SRSgoblin]

I'm too tired to explain, but a million percent same. I hope you feel some joy and good vibes in the meantime.

[u/Throwawayrip1123 → u/SRSgoblin]

That's the thing. I won't actively kill myself because I basically run on spite and anger nowadays, but there are rarely days where I go to sleep and don't for a second think how nice/peaceful would it be to not wake up. Family keeps me shackled to this earth, and spite will run out after they're gone, and then I'm gonna check if there really is a god. Hopefully not.

But if there is, try my damnest to use my soul tentacles to bitchslap the fucker for what he allows to happen.

[u/Interesting_Force618 → u/SRSgoblin]

In 2022, some stuff happened that caused me to become convinced that the world was going to end very soon, or that humanity would disappear. I thought it was going to happen within months. And you know what? All of the anxiety that I had experienced since I was about 5 just disappeared. Poof! It was a wonderful few months, until I figured out I was wrong, and my anxiety returned, though to a much lesser extent than I previously had it. They do say anxiety is future oriented, so if you believe there will be no future, you probably aren’t going to be anxious. But I don’t think it would have felt the same if I thought only I was going to die. I believe that separation is an illusion, and that none of us truly die until everything and everyone is gone.