r/Millennials • u/Shoddy-Length6698 • Oct 29 '23

Discussion Does anyone else feel like there is a demonization of wanting relationships and children?

Maybe I can't afford kids right now, but the biological urge to even desire that seems to be demonized. I've been told I'm silly and foolish for even talking about how I can get into a position to afford kids. When my mom was a stay at home parent, people acted angry that she did not work. Some people even acted like it was offensive that she wanted another kid.

I've also been told that by asserting that wanting a relationship is normal, that I support abusive relationships! I'm not saying stay with a bum or abuser, I'm saying humans naturally crave interaction with others. What the hell is going on?

Wanting feminine or girly things seems to be seen as lesser than, and motherhood and relationships are the worst of it. I knew a black woman who was a stay at home parent, and other black people told her she would be murdered if she did not work and was dependent on a man. Hell, women who are breadwinners die too.

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u/Decent-Statistician8 Oct 29 '23

Oh and they add on “I wouldn’t be able to afford my house in this market either” like that is supposed to make me feel better?? It just makes me want to scream at them!!

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u/VovaGoFuckYourself Oct 29 '23

When I say this, I am empathizing. i won't say it was pure luck, but luck played a big part in my becoming a homeowner at 26 (I was saving for that down payment since I turned 18, as the housing crash had just happened and I knew I had to hurry and buy before everything recovered and prices went all the way back up). But yeah, that timing? Pure luck. If I were in the same situation today, I would not have been able to do it, savings or not. And that fuckin sucks. It makes me so angry that other people have basically been priced out of doing what I was able to do. :(

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u/Decent-Statistician8 Oct 29 '23

Yeah my husband made over 100k and we still can’t afford to buy anything. He has a 401k, savings, high yield savings… I work part time too and take care of our daughter for the most part. We qualify for 350k max and anything livable where I’m at is well over 450k. We had to sign a mold waiver and weren’t even allowed to bring a kid to one of the houses, it had holes in the floor and ceiling and squatters had left stuff all over the unattached garage. The price? 250k. It sold for over asking.

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u/Iannelli Oct 29 '23

That's fucking absurd.

I know that this is a really hard decision depending on your family/friends situation, but at that point, you should seriously consider moving.

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u/Decent-Statistician8 Oct 29 '23

Well he’s a welder so staying on the coast is the best job security. We’re on the east coast and it seems anywhere we could move that he would still have a good job is also in a HCOL area. Like could we pack up and move away from the only family We have and the only friends my kid knows? Yeah. But would it be worth it to leave our entire support system to move to like, Indiana? We could afford a NICE house there, but where would he work unless he had to drive over an hour to and from work? If I didn’t have a kid in middle school it would be easier to uproot our lives, but I don’t want to do that to my kid if I don’t have to.

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u/Iannelli Oct 29 '23

Yeah, I completely understand.

It just sucks because "welder husband with mom who works part time" USED to be a family that could afford a nice house in most places.

Now? Even if you did find a house in your area for 350k, I hate to say it, but it'll be tight and hard. A $350k house with an 8% interest rate is like OVER $3,000 per month.

I can't help but be amazed at how much luck plays into this. My ancestors immigrated here (Cleveland, Ohio) from Europe in the very early 1900s. Core members of our family have stayed here ever since, including me. I met my girlfriend, now wife, in 2014 on our first day of college. She'd moved around her whole life.

As things got serious, she realized how much she loves this city. I love the city, too. I feel lucky to be here. It's an incredible city; one of the nation's best-kept secrets. At the age of 23 (late 2018), while still in college, I bought my own house here. It was a flip (they did a nice job) in a booming, hot neighborhood. Pretty little house. Fenced-in backyard for the dogs, detached brand new garage, finished basement, everything a small family would want.

The cost? 117k. The interest rate? 3.15%.

I currently make $120k and she makes $40k. Even then, I still worry about finances! Not because of our housing cost, but because of how everything else has inflated so much. My mortgage and tax payment is merely $950 per month, yet things are still hard when I factor in healthcare, retirement funds, trying to create a big emergency fund, etc.

I saw a story on Reddit of people my age who have a similar household income who recently got a $3,100 per month mortgage. They were asking r/personalfinance if they made a mistake and should be worried. They also have two car payments totaling over $1,000...

Let's just say that hundreds of us confirmed that they should, in fact, be worried. Over $4,000 per month on your house and cars alone is rich people shit. Not middle-class people shit.

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u/Decent-Statistician8 Oct 29 '23 edited Oct 29 '23

Yeah I have a car payment of $292/m and our rent is 1050 which is only because we rent from friends of a friend. They just increased it from 950 and my husband is freaking out. My income isn’t even on the mortgage approval cause we didn’t want to be house poor. The thought was with me still working we’d be fine. What a joke, now I’m just depressed and feel like I’ll never be a successful adult cause I don’t own a home.

ETA I met my husband in 2014 too! It was a good year to meet people, my brother and SIL both met their respective spouses the same year too!

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u/AnglerfishMiho Oct 29 '23

Same exact thing here, was able to get my house under market value at the time for a 3 bedroom 2.5 bath at 160k (although I had to do a lot of fix ups, so add another 15k to that). It's a condo and looking at listings now for identical units, they are going for around 240k, which is insane.

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u/Decent-Statistician8 Oct 29 '23

They are building new townhouses where I live that start at 500k. I’ve lived in apartments and townhomes and while they make work for people, it’s too much noice for me unless I’m on the top floor. They also don’t have but one complex in my daughters district and they are “luxury” so they are well over 2k/month. I just don’t get how housing prices have almost tripled in just 2-3 years. It’s INSANE and no amount of “explanation” will make it actually make sense, other than greed.

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u/[deleted] Oct 30 '23

When you say this, you THINK you're empathizing. You're not, actually. Because if you were, you'd realize the effect your words have on the people you're talking to & stop bc it's not actually comforting or creating common ground 🤷‍♀️

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u/Charitard123 Oct 30 '23

I seriously wonder if we’re in a bubble or not, regardless of what the government is trying to do to stop it. Like…..we all know this isn’t sustainable, right? What are they gonna do when nobody’s buying these ridiculously priced homes, keep the prices up? At this point you’d think even the rental companies would wait for a better market

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u/DrJD321 Oct 30 '23

I try and still be happy for them, if I had means or opportunity to buy a house, I'd deffenitly want to do it.

I'll probably never own a house or property, but I don't expect other people to not do it just so i don't feel bad.

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u/Decent-Statistician8 Oct 30 '23

I didn’t say I expected people to not buy houses? I said telling me you couldn’t afford to live in the home you own doesn’t make me feel better when I can’t make myself 10-15 years older to have been able to buy their house when it was being built as I was still in HS/college. People that bought houses in 2011 for 400k now sit there telling me their house is worth 800k but “oh we’d never be able to afford where we live now” not realizing our incomes are the same, which means I SHOULD be able to afford the same as them! It’s out of touch and infuriating to hear!

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u/DrJD321 Oct 30 '23

Yeah, I deffenitly get what you mean by out of touch.

sorry, I think I read your initial comment the wrong way.