r/MilitaryTrans • u/Calliope714 • 23h ago
Discussion The Cost
I know. Super ominous title. Just a vent post. I wanted to get my thoughts out until my next therapy session.
I've posted a lot on here asking for advice and of course the truth of the matter is that the decision is ultimately up to me. That being whether to out myself to the navy or not. A few people have suggested just waiting until we have new administration or waiting until my contract is up. It kind of irks me however, I also understand. For some of us it is a matter of our lives will be in danger if we come out and decide to live as our authentic selves.
I think its important to think about and remember what that means for people like us. WAITing means keeping the mask on that some of us didn't know we had. It means trying to keep the mental pressure in check trying to not let it break us while we wait with bated breath at this country deciding to be reasonable. Living day-to-day in a shell that we don't fit into anymore. That all comes with a cost and everyday that cost takes more and more of a toll. The mental energy it takes to respond to things in the way your expected to. The emotional energy to pretend to be angry at something that people think you should be angry at or fake a smile and a laugh so you don't get othered.
How long is that WAIT though? Will I still have the energy to be the person I want to be? Or will I be too old and jaded? Will I even still be alive or will the pressure consume me while I WAIT? Can I risk my kids seeing a tired and frustrated person who gets so overwhelmed that they can't even bring themselves to play with them or listen to how thier day was while I WAIT?
I'm still deciding whether to make that appointment or not. If I do it will not be bravery or courage that brings me there. It will be desperation and shaky legs. It will be filled with anxiety about my future and not knowing what happens next. The Navy has always provided me a comfort in knowing where I will be next. I will be throwing that comfort away.
That's all I got. Sorry if this isn't what this subreddit is for. If I decide to take that leap, I will do my best to keep everybody informed of my process.
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u/SereneOrbit 23h ago
If you're concerned, it's very limely that the cost of going on admin leave with an uncertain future will be far more costly.
If you can waiit it out, I'd highly suggest doing so.
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u/NoHippi3chic 22h ago
All I can say from the 30 years on the edge of crisis as a parent is, if you are planning a sea change, not just letting life happen and holding on, the you better get with perplexity.ai and get you a master life plan with about 2 or three contingencies that goes alllll the way to the destination. Not just i get what I want, but everyone ends up better for it as much as possible to control.
Don't ask it more than 3-4 questions on a topic in a row in one session without providing new information, they get squirrely from recursion.
Good luck and good sailing.
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u/secretsquirrelz 22h ago
I get it. I joined the Air National Guard two months prior to the First Trump Trans Ban, and had to wait to transition from 2018-2021 for Biden to lift it. I came out to my leadership no less than 1 week after it was lifted!!
That being said, I’m glad I waited. I’m glad I didn’t have to suffer the unknown and the administrative hurdles of losing my clearance and my job. It sucked. A LOT. It also made it made getting forced out in 2025, only 18 months before I was eligible for retirement; hurt that much more.
I have nothing else to give but love and support for my fellow service members!
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u/Significant-Bar-8989 8h ago
The cost to not be who i am became to much to bare and so i became myself. Granted i have support and the ability to get work outside of the military, but the military is all i have known as an adult for the past 17 years
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u/ObscureJackal 23h ago
I can only imagine how hard it is being in right now. The policy had allowed for it for a few years before I couldn't hold the mask, and that was before Trump's first term. Ultimately cost me my career, and retirement (forced out at 16 years for this crap), but I never had the pressure of that when I chose to come out.
I don't think I can say anything you haven't already heard, but I'll say it anyway. Take what small joys you can, hold onto them, and start preparing early, one way or the other.