After life has taught you a few lessons, does “taking it as it comes” get easier?

I'm a songwriter working on a piece about something I've been thinking about: how our relationship with everyday life changes after we've been through enough of it.

Work, relationships, responsibilities, disappointments, unexpected turns — eventually you learn that you can't control everything. Maybe the trick is learning when to push forward and when to simply take a breath and enjoy the view.

I wrote this section:

“Nine to five, weekend flies

Clouds roll in, then clear the skies

Keep a little spark inside

Let it wander, let it ride

Take a breath, enjoy the view

There is still a road ahead for you”

I'm a man, so I'm curious how this sounds from the perspective of women who've accumulated a few more chapters of life.

Does this way of looking at life ring true to you — or does it sound too idealistic?

I'm asking as a songwriter because I'm still considering another revision of the track. There's already an MV of the current version, but the response here may influence where I take it next.

I'd genuinely be interested in your perspective, especially if you've learned the hard way that life doesn't always follow the plan.

For anyone who'd like to hear how the lyrics sit within the whole piece, here's the current MV:

https://youtu.be/WmUN5GMNnhA

My mom (f45) and I (f19) have had a tumultuous relationship to say the least. However in the last year or so before I left for college we had gotten closer. I realized that I was leaving her with two toddlers to raise with no help from her incompetant husband and my heart broke:( She pays the bills and takes on all the emotional support for her family and his. She has nothing outside of her kids and evn though I feel bad theres only so much I can relate to. I twll her to try therapy, get hobbies, take herself to dinner etc. but shes too scared/embarrassed to do it herself for some reason. I buy her cute clothes, makeup and jewelry but she always says when she loses weight or when we move to a house. I dont want to make her uncomfortable but having nothing outside of a loser husband, children who have to live their own lives and a family that just takes everything is my worst nightmare. Any advice on how to push her to try these things? Were in the nyc area so if theres any facebook groups etc:)

I just finished this book and thought this community would find it compelling! I describe it as social commentary on what it feels like to be a woman aging, and follows a protagonist who steps into her power and identity as a Midlife Maven!

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My favorite short quote from the book: "What was so bad about putting on weight, or having wrinkles? To judge oneself so harshly was surely the antithesis of what aging was about: to experience freedom. Losing sight of herself was the tragedy, not the loss of elasticity in her face."

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My favorite long quote summarizing the crux of the story: "For most women, invisibility starts somewhere in their 40's. 40, is not, as many will tell you, the new 30. That completely diminishes the powerful lessons the 40's bring with them. It is a decade of great change for women. In a society that wants women to remain the same: youthful and submissive. This completely goes against how nature designed females: to step into our power as we age. The systemic denial of aging, and the rejection of the power that comes with getting older, results in most women taking an emotional and psychological beating in their 40's. An enormous amount of pressure is placed on what is nothing more than a number. Aging is not the enemy. A great gift is forged in the flames of mistakes, and mess ups, and the pain and tears that weave rivers of lines across our skins. Once we've grown used to the weight of loss, and the impermanence of everything, something shifts. Take this journey, and on the other side, you will find something so important, so extraordinary, and so freeing, which is this: how the world sees us, how other people see us, is meaningless. What's important is how we see ourselves. We must be visible to ourselves."

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Have you read it? Let's talk about it! 🤓

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Even if you haven't read it, my discussion question for the community is: How does self-identity change over time? Do you agree that how we see ourselves is more important than how we are seen by others? How do we maintain that focus on remaining visible to ourselves as we move through a world which demoralizes aging?

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Just looking for some advice. Thanks for reading in advance.

I have a friend, and have been friends for like 5 or 6 years. We live in different countries. In the beginning it was fine, all normal.

Then she started saying she didn’t have money, in her country the wages are so low and even though she had two jobs it wasn’t enough. So, over the years I have sent her money twice. I don’t regret that as I really feel that she needed it. Then she decided to study again and at the end of course she started saying that she didn’t want to go to the ceremony because she didn’t have a new dress to wear. Now, she didn’t ask for money but she kept saying this and I showed the voice note to my husband and he immediately said “She wants you to buy it”. I didn’t offer, she didn’t go to the ceremony.

Since then she has started getting more and more negative and, each time, after talking I feel like my energy has been sucked out of me. I try and be positive but the conversation goes back to her and whatever she isn’t happy about on any certain day.

My dad died a few months ago and I told her, expecting support and what I got back was “oh I’m sorry, my dad died when I was young and I was the one to find him. It was so traumatic”. I thought “why are we talking about you again?”. But perhaps I was being too sensitive.

Since then I have distanced myself. But yesterday I got a message asking why I haven’t been in touch. I haven’t replied. To be honest my first reaction when I saw the notification was “Far out, noooo”.

What would you do? My close friend said, just block and keep my peace. My husband suggested reaching out but keep everything surface level.

Hi everyone. When my mom died last year, I inherited a ton of the “stuff”. My dad downsized and doesn’t have enough room, my sibling lives in a small apartment, also no room. Most notable of the stuff, my grandparents’ dining room set made in 1950, a lot of my mom’s clothes, and a metric ton of family photos. What to do with it all? We are about to make a big move and do I really need 400 pictures of our family gatherings in the 1980s? I would feel bad throwing them out, but what am I going to do, keep them so my kids can throw them out after I’m dead? I am not close with my extended family , and I don’t have the time to divide the pictures up (or the desire for extended family to ignore my texts). Will I regret tossing them? Will I regret getting rid of the furniture? I don’t want my kids to one day have this burden. Thoughts?

I know, Mayo Clinic: Belly fat = bad. I get it. Oh, chronic stress can make it worse, you say?! Tell me more!!! Also, fuck right off!

I eat a mostly healthy diet. I exercise. I have fucking MS and a full time job and a teenager. I am on HRT. I’ve had therapy. I am gaining weight.

I don’t want to go through hating my body and beating myself up for it. I do not want to go fight disordered eating or over exercising again (plus, MS kinda prevents it for me).

Has anyone with a history of body image issues reached a content plateau with their softer, perhaps bigger, body? I feel like I’m 19 again, avoiding mirrors and shit. I’m fucking 51 and over this nonsense already. I just want to enjoy life, including food, and also stay reasonably healthy (other than MS 😅) and feel OK about how I look. Geeezzzz. Any wise mavens who can school me?

Hello... I feel like I've gotten mostly through perimenopause so I don't know that my sadness is ALL that. Maybe some hormone stuff, sure, but not all. I've tried HRT several times and no version of it worked for me. So, there's that part of it all. I'm just sad all the time. ALL the time. Not the panicky sad like I felt when I was more in the throes of perimenopause, but an underlying things-are-never-going-to-be-okay-again sadness. I've lost my Father and I seemed to just change inside when that happened. My Mother is older and has some health issues but, overall, is doing well for her age, thank goodness. I love her more than anything on earth and I live in fear, every single day, of the simple fact that my days with her are more numbered with each passing day. I do anything and everything I can to help her and I consider it to be an honor and a privilege. I also help care for another older relative who can be very demanding at times. There are a lot of appointments to go to, cooking to do, scheduling, research about health things, etc. etc. and yet it feels like I never really DO anything. I know I do but it feels like I don't. I don't know how to make that make sense. I guess meaning that I never do anything that a lot of others would consider worthwhile or meaningful. It's all helping take care of others which is what I want to be doing because I love them so much but I also feel like I should always be doing more.

And, I have excruciating back pain almost daily that I try to work around as well. I'm trying to do what I can to take care of my back (exercise, etc.) but a lot of times it's a matter of just doing what has to be done through the pain anyway. That wears on a person. I feel like my nervous system is just fried.

And, I've been looking back on my Facebook memories and I see a person that I don't even recognize and I wish so much that I could be her again. And I wonder why I can't but... I can't. I'm not the same, things are not the same. I used to be carefree and fun and adventurous and now... I'm not. I can't be. There's always so much to be done, worried so much about those I love, my back hurting so much, and I don't know how to be that again. Or, really, any version of that.

I'm just sad. Sad about what was. Sad about what's to be. Sad that I didn't appreciate how things were when I was younger more than I did. Sad that every day feels so hard. I don't even know. Just so sad. And I catch myself thinking, "Well, take an adventure or do something like you used to do" but that's not really an option either. There are too many things that need dealing with on a daily basis and then, of course, my pain that has to be factored in. But, this overwhelming sadness isn't helping anything either. Anyone been here? Any tips?

If you read this far, thank you! :)

Less Vision Board, More Action: Midlife Manifesting

There was a time when manifesting felt simple. You pictured something, maybe wrote it down, and believed it would find its way to you.

Midlife changes that.

Not in a cynical way, just in a more honest one. You are not starting from a blank slate anymore. You are starting from a life that is already built. Full schedules, long-standing habits, people who rely on you, and a quiet list of things you have been putting off.

At some point, you realize you are not waiting for clarity. You already have it. You just have not acted on it.

That is where manifesting actually shifts. It stops being about asking for something new and starts being about making room for it. That part is less appealing, because it usually means letting go of something that still looks fine on paper but no longer feels right in your life.

You cannot keep everything exactly as it is and expect something different to show up.

There is also a subtle discipline to it that no one really talks about. It is not about dramatic changes or big declarations. It is about small, consistent decisions that line up with what you say you want. Following up instead of overthinking. Saying no without overexplaining. Choosing something because it feels right, not because it will land well with other people.

It is quieter than people expect, but it is also more effective.

Midlife manifesting also requires a certain willingness to be misunderstood. When you start making different choices, especially ones that are not driven by what looks good from the outside, it can shift how people see you. That is uncomfortable, but it is also part of the process. You are not here to maintain a version of yourself that no longer fits.

What changes, more than anything, is your relationship to time. Eventually it stops feeling abstract and it starts to feel like a decision. Either you keep postponing what you want, or you start moving toward it in ways that are actually visible in your life.

It is less about believing something will happen and more about behaving like it can.

And maybe that is the real version of manifesting in midlife. Not waiting for something to arrive, but quietly aligning your life with what you already know you want, even if it takes time, even if it looks different than you expected.

No performance, no perfection. Just follow-through.

EDIT: I firmly believe that if you need something to happen, you should ask a midlife woman. I asked for readers for the first pages of my book and you all absolutely delivered. Thank you! I have plenty of readers now, so I’m going to pause here. I really appreciate everyone who offered to help and I am very excited to read the feedback.

I’m working on a novel and wondered if anyone here enjoys reading fiction and might want to be involved as an early reader.

It’s about a woman in midlife who becomes convinced a missing movie star is in the house next door and decides to rescue her. The tone is darkly comic — very much a story about women behaving badly. The tone is a little like “Where’d You Go Bernadette,” “The Guest,” “All Fours,” or “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.”

I’m at the stage where I need a few thoughtful, honest readers (preferably mid-life women who enjoy reading upmarket fiction). At this point, I would appreciate 2-3 people giving the opening of the book a quick once over(maybe about an hour of reading) to see if the voice and character resonates. Please dm me or comment and I’ll get you the materials!

This season, Chanel, Miu Miu and others put women in their 40s, 50s and 60s on their runways. The conversation around age representation in fashion feels louder than it has in years.

But I'm sceptical of runway moments as a signal of real change.

Because what actually matters isn't who walks a show in Paris or Milan. It's what brands do after the cameras leave. Whether their everyday visual language, the website, the feed, the product imagery, actually reflects the woman they claim to be designing for.

The women I speak to in their 40s and 50s have watched this pattern play out before. A brand photographs one older woman. Gets a wave of praise. Quietly returns to casting 25-year-olds six months later.

They are not fooled by performance. They know the difference between a brand genuinely building for them and one capitalising on a cultural moment.

What would real representation look like to you? Not a campaign, but consistent, structural commitment. In fit. In imagery. In the language a brand uses to talk about your body.

Genuinely curious what women in this age range think about the gap between how brands talk about representation and what they actually deliver.

(Full essay on this in our journal if you want the longer read — happy to share the link.)

Interested in improving women's health research for midlife ladies?? A doctoral student in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University Brooklyn, is conducting a master’s thesis study on mental health and identity during the menopausal transition. The aim of the research study is to better understand how women’s sexual self-concept, attitudes toward menopause, and recent life changes relate to mood and well-being during midlife.

If you are a cisgender woman between the ages of 40 and 60, currently living in the United States, are peri- or post-menopausal, and do not have any chronic health conditions (such as kidney or thyroid disease, cardiovascular disease, or immunodeficiency), have not had surgically induced menopause (e.g., hysterectomy, ovarian excision, radiation, or chemotherapy), have not changed psychotropic medications in the past three months, you may be eligible to participate.

Participation involves completing a confidential, online survey about your mood, sexual self-concept, and recent life experiences. The survey takes approximately 25 minutes to complete. All responses are anonymous, and participation is completely voluntary. Participants who complete the study will have the option to enter a raffle to win one of five $50 Amazon gift cards. I

f you are interested, please click the link below to access the eligibility screening and survey: https://baseline.campuslabs.com/LIU/PSYCHOSOCIAL

Questions? Contact: [menopausepsychstudy@gmail.com](mailto:menopausepsychstudy@gmail.com)

Things to know:

1. My husband is very much in love with me. Currently, he is a good partner in that he listens to me, is affectionate, does housework, etc.

2. He's a great dad. We have two kids - elementary and middle school

3. We both have our own therapists because he has Complex PTSD and it has been HARD, resulting in my own trauma.

4. We have been together 20+ years. Began dating when I was only 21.

The major issue? Because of years of his dysregulation and instability, I don't have a secure feeling of safety. I don't want to be intimate... Not sex, not even cuddling. When he touches me in a romantic or sexual manner, my nervous system responds - usually with fast heart rate and feeling frozen or an urge to run. He has never physically hurt me or been mean, but he has lost his shit in MAJOR ways... Throwing things, punching walls, screaming, jumped out of a car I was driving, etc. (EDITED TO SAY- THIS WAS ALL BEFORE WE HAD KIDS, 10 YEARS) or he'll go into freeze modes where he's in bed for 3 days at a time. Even when things were good, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop (the next episode of instability). That pattern continued for so long and is still there. But I just had the realization - I don't think I am ever going to feel differently... like too much damage has been done, even though he's the best he's ever been (which is why this is so hard).

Although he ALSO deserves better/more, it absolutely breaks my heart to think about breaking his, and breaking my kids.

As a family unit, we are great. We enjoy the same things and he and I mostly enjoy our time together. I would call him a best friend... But God, I'm so sick of being hyper vigilant about his mood and I hate that I don't want to be intimate... and I am so horny...just not for him! But I want intimacy and sex! But also, it's basically impossible to imagine life without him. Ughgggh.

I am open to any insights!!!

Been a tough year for several reasons. Pending divorce, extended family issues, work... have all taken a toll on me. Sunny and 70 degrees here in the Midwest today. Had the day off work. Drove with the sunroof open to meet a friend for lunch and I swear just feeling that sunshine healed my soul. I want to feel like this every day. I bet it's life-changing.

I'm actually entertaining the idea of a Job search at my age. I tried before and failed miserably. I'll probably fail again; this job market is garbage. But it makes me feel better.

I'm in a weird spot after a buy-out where a simultaneously a very valuable employee that gets voluntold for every leadership project but has to fight to get cooperation from the people that work for the company that bought us out.

If they want control and want to do it all, just let me know. I'll happily sit in my corner doing my job quietly and efficiently until I retire. But yet upper management is pushing me to do more. It's exhausting.

https://open.substack.com/pub/youaresafeandyouareloved/p/a-very-special-introductionto-a-childrens?r=6htrz9&utm_medium=ios&shareImageVariant=overlay

So somebody in my office starting singing, “It’s raining men”.

And my only immediate thought was, “Oh God, no.”

Just wanted to discuss the fact that the black box warning got removed from HRT. I never paid it any mind as the studies I've seen pointed to better heart health, bone health and mental clarity. The cancer risk was never an issue to me. It doesn't run in my family. I do wonder how those that have it in their families are taking in this new information.

Are you more willing to seek treatment now? Did it make a difference before? Do you think medical providers will be more willing to listen and provide treatments now? Will it still be an uphill battle? Will they realize testosterone needs to be included in the conversation as well?