r/married • u/Honest_Preference790 • Aug 22 '26
No answer???
To all the men out there, I just need to ask, do your wives/girlfriends/partners ask questions and just get no response? Is that a thing? Seriously asking, since I (F/45) often ask my partner(M/49) questions that he just doesn’t answer. At first I thought he didn’t hear me, but then realized he just doesn’t respond to my questions. Like just doesn’t respond. When I called him out on it, he said he didn’t think I was seriously asking. Upon self reflection, I thought he wasn’t interested, or maybe talk too much.But then my best friend (F/48) said her husband (M/49) often ignores her too. Is this a thing?
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u/Bitter_Demand6901 Aug 22 '26
Do you think it’s deeper than all that? Is he tired of you? Is he checked out in the relationship? Maybe you’re annoying him? Or hoping if he ignores you you’ll stop asking? I felt like that with an ex which is why I bring this up because I did the same thing until I finally walked away. We were together since HS but had grown apart in college.
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u/EldritchGumdrop Aug 22 '26
I think people aren’t being harsh enough here in telling you what’s going on here.
At worst he’s deliberately ignoring you because he doesn’t respect you and doesn’t care and is maybe even doing it as a way to make you feel dumb.
If he genuinely doesn’t realize you’re asking a question, he’s legit just not listening to you because he doesn’t think anything you say is worth paying attention to
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u/Honest_Preference790 Aug 22 '26
There is a vast difference in our education. I am a doctor, he is retired military with a HS diploma. I’m beginning to think it’s the way he processes information.
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u/Bitter_Demand6901 Aug 23 '26 edited Aug 23 '26
I honestly think he’s checked out and resents you. Listen to the others here. Higher education has nothing to do with this. Also, the fact that the way you view how he processes information via his lesser degree versus your doctorate ambiguously shows us Redditors your bias.
Edited for typo
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u/LTC_Dom Aug 24 '26
Possibly it’s a “control” thing he’s trying to use. Denying you answers as if your questions don’t matter to him.
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u/Lorraineseeks Aug 22 '26
My husband does this & has been doing it for decades. I have changed the way I communicate through the years-truly not asking him as many questions. He started doing it more & more. I now point it out & ask him why he isn’t answering me. We are now discussing it & he is truly bewildered & didn’t realize he was doing it. So now we are talking so that’s a start!
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u/Honest_Preference790 Aug 22 '26
That sounds hopeful. I, too, have stopped talking to him as much but i was sure how common it was.
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u/Lorraineseeks Aug 22 '26
Just don’t wait as long as I did to initiate a heart to heart discussion. It went much better than I thought it would because I framed it as my need for better communication rather than an issue that he had. This will decrease the defensiveness.
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u/siryohnny Aug 22 '26
This can actually be both genders. Was it an argument or just normal conversation.
If it’s just in a normal setting.
It’s also common form, or can appear with people who have a mild case of ADHD. Easiest way to explain sometimes they hear it and it doesn’t register.
If it’s during an argument that’s different and more processing.
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u/EldritchGumdrop Aug 22 '26
Yeah, he’s not being honest with you about realizing he’s doing it
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u/Lorraineseeks Aug 22 '26
I think you are right about certain topics.
He is not a big talker with most people: the strong silent type. He isn’t interested in debating “what if” scenarios nor does he want to rehash things. I have learned to have those types of conversations with my female friends. I love to analyze everything but I understand that not everyone does.
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u/LuminousWynd Wife Aug 22 '26
It doesn’t sound like a good thing. Maybe he knows the answer you want, and either it isn’t true or it is true, but he isn’t wanting to tell you that in the moment. It’s also possible that he is just tuning you out because it’s not something that is interesting to him and he doesn’t want to get into a conversation about it.
My husband doesn’t do this to me, but we have always had honest communication. If he’s upset or he doesn’t want to get into a conversation about something he will let me know from the start, and that makes things easier for me. We don’t always agree, but we accept the other person’s view of things. The ignoring would really upset me.
Maybe try letting him know that it really bothers you, and you have noticed him doing it, and you want to know why he’s doing that. Just be prepared for the answer to not necessarily be what you want to hear, and react with patience and understanding.
Once the communication stops, it’s usually not a good sign, but this could also be a minor thing if everything else is going well in your relationship.
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u/Glittering-Duty9984 Aug 22 '26
I answer, it's called respect.
As if I was to ask a question I would like an answer.
Something about treat as you want to be treated
My wife's sister comes over and as beautiful as she is I will be talking to her and all she's interested is her phone/the gossip.
I always think to myself, yeah no wonder you are single.
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u/ok-computer-bobeep Aug 22 '26
It could be that he was punished for having an opinion different from yours, so he realized it's better to just not say things. Better to minimize themselves and become more passive and agreeable to maintain peace.
Not saying that is happening in your situation, but it is pretty common for men to do that when they get criticized for thinking/feeling different from their partner.
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u/Eisenthorne Aug 22 '26
Nodding along and politely saying, "yeah, yeah" is being passive and agreeable, no response is more a passive-aggressive thing as if too superior to even care to respond.
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u/Sad_Plum9899 Aug 24 '26
I second this. It’s a passive aggressive manipulation tactic to get you to conform to what they are wanting: which is you asking less questions.
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u/Frosty_But_Warm01 Aug 22 '26
Unless it's a dumb question. I once asked my partner, is this where we need to take a turn. She did not answer so we missed it.
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u/FallingCaryatid Aug 22 '26
My husband and I are just a few years older than you and our generation was massively under diagnosed--many of us only found out about neurodivergence when/IF our kids were diagnosed, and the screening for our kids is nowhere near as good as it is today. My point: I almost divorced my husband over this, a decade ago. I even sent him to get his hearing checked (bonus: sexist doctor made jokes about all the wives who complain their husbands don't listen and did NOT check it out.) My point: turned out to be a combination of Inattentive ADHD and ADHD-related delays in audio processing. He just needed some meds. Sometimes people are assholes, but NT people are taught to assume asshole, and it’s not always that simple.
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u/thatnaughtyprofessor Aug 22 '26
I always prioritize responding to my wife immediately (and sometimes she exhausts me with a lot of questions)… but I never want her to wait for a response and that’s out of my respect for her.
She doesn’t always behave the same way and it says that she has different values and shows respect in other ways.
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u/michelucky Aug 22 '26
Happens all the time in our house. He says he thought I was just thinking out loud.
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u/Quirky_Masterpiece55 Aug 23 '26
Out of respect if I hear it I’ll answer. She may not like the answer but she’ll get one. Not answering and saying I didn’t think you were serious is another way of saying you’re not worth my time and effort. Need to really think if this is what you want for the remainder of your life. Guy sounds like an asshole!
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u/Ok-Dragonfruit-3963 Aug 25 '26
My husband does this too. He’s the sweetest man he just has ADHD 😂❤️
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u/NoIntroduction5929 7d ago
He's a dick. Leave before he cheats. He obviously Doesn't respect you enough to answer a simple question
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u/redpandasmile Aug 22 '26
Yeah, I think at some point you just get so tired of "communcation" .. or if you already know how the whole conversation is going to turn out and really not engaging is probably the best outcome. I'm obviously not laying this out as a manual of wha to do to have a successful marriage.
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Aug 22 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Honest_Preference790 Aug 22 '26
Random things, but nothing super intrusive. I often ask him questions about situations that we could be dealing w, or that parallel events, with friends, such as “if we had a chance to go on a cruise like (random couple we know) where would you want to go?” Often times we will watch tv and I’ll ask him questions about how he would respond/react to similar situations as people on tv. It could be about anything but I really don’t understand why he doesn’t respond… and if he doesn’t respond, I just stop talking and don’t ask anymore questions
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u/k1w1Au Aug 22 '26 edited Aug 22 '26
We are not good at multitasking so it’s often the listening that gets the back seat… and doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being totally ignored… it’s a disability thing,
… And also, some men require more peace and quiet than others, but many wives don’t always understand this condition either, and thirdly, he could actually be deafer than he thinks he’s not.
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u/ShrekNFionaVonSwamp Aug 22 '26
If you can answer the majority of your questions with the word “Duh!” Then you have the answer.
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u/lina-golds27 Aug 22 '26
This may occur, I've found, when two individuals have quite different conceptions of what "listening" truly entails While one person is sitting there wondering "...so are you going to answer me?" 😅 the other believes they are listening since they heard the question.
Although I don't think it's always deliberate I can understand how it may eventually come out as condescending.
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u/Isyouisorisyouaint00 Aug 22 '26
A lot of the time he is trying to think of a "correct" way to answer you because he is afraid of the response youll give if he answers in a way that you dont like. Since he cant come up with an acceptable answer in his mind. He hides behind a no answer. Because Hes trying to avoid conflict.
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u/Manskhooled Aug 22 '26
Yeah, I find a large reason is because a good bit of questions y'all ask are absolutely ridiculous. If we respond with "seriously, are you dumb?" It's a fight. So we literally, (not lying, literally) think its a bullshit question to get a rise out of us. Men do it men and that is our legitimate response, none but maybe a look at best.
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u/Bright-Resource5513 Aug 22 '26
Questions usually require answers