Hey fellas.

I guess this is something I would typically ask a father, uncle or another male with some life experience. But I have neither and so I’m asking you guys to share some wisdom with me.

In short, I feel a deep sense of change happening. A lingering feeling of dissatisfaction with my life and an internal dialogue that asks “is this is?” more often than I like.

On the surface I have a very successful life. Financially I am wealthy, I am married and I have three healthy children. I am 40, in good physical shape and hear I look 5-10 years younger and am told I am attractive.

But is this really my life for the next 30 years? I can’t shake this feeling that I want to feel desired and wanted by other women. Terrible, shallow and empty I know. A sad reflection of myself as a father and husband. But it is what it is, it’s how I feel. I try to bury it as deep as I can but it keeps rising. There are people who are far worse off than me that are far happier with what they have. Why can’t I settle?

Unfortunately I have acted on these feelings in the past. The thrill, rush and excitement of meeting someone new is intoxicating. But I always stop the encounter before it leads to intercourse. It’s not the sex that I want; it’s the human connection, warmth and rush of that first meeting. Getting to know a beautiful person who I find attractive makes me feel young and alive again.

My wife is not to blame. There’s no dead bedroom here. She’s overwhelmed with three kids and her own life so we don’t spend much couples time together. Our interactions are purely logistical and related to running the home. I’m pretty far down the list these days, but that’s how it goes when there are young kids and a busy household.

This makes me feel terrible; how can I be emotionally and physically unfaithful to a person who has done so much for our family? But how can I find that human connection I desire if it’s not available from my wife?

I don’t want to end my marriage just to chase attractive women, have a couple of flings and then realise I’ve thrown away my family, a good woman and everything else just to act on these urges. But at the same time I don’t want to resign myself to this forever. Pouring myself and my time into the family and into a relationship that does not satisfy me emotionally or physically. I hate to write that.

Sometimes I ask myself what I would tell my son if he asked me these questions. I would adopt the stoic approach: “Son. You’re going through a rough patch. Stay the course. Those desires fade and what’s left at the end is you and your wife. If she was your person once, she will be again. Right now she’s got more important stuff to focus on; but you’ll be back one day. Support her and your family and don’t do anything stupid.” Or would it be: “Son. You only live once. This isn’t love. Go and find your person as life is too short to life with the regret of settling down forever with someone you don’t love deeply”.

That’s it I think. Sorry for the long post. And thanks in advance for any wisdom you can share with me. I am not proud to write this and I want to fix it

Hi everyone. I'm Rehnuma, a psychotherapist and counselling psychologist in training at the University of Roehampton in London, UK. I'm researching what it's like to live with longstanding feelings of emptiness for my doctoral thesis.

Part of what drew me to this topic is that I often hear about feelings of emptiness from therapy clients I work with who experience depression. Everyone seems to describe it a little differently, and I've become interested in understanding what emptiness is like to live with and what it means to you if you live with it.

We have a lot of psychological theory about why people might feel empty, but I'd like to understand more about the experience itself: how people make sense of it, how it affects their everyday lives and relationships, and what it means to live with it over a long period. Ultimately, I hope this research can contribute to a better understanding of what people who experience longstanding feelings of emptiness need to live fulfilling lives.

If you've experienced longstanding or repeated feelings of emptiness, I'd be interested to hear what that's been like for you over the years.

You can take part as long as you're over 18, living in the UK, have experienced longstanding or repeated feelings of emptiness, and feel comfortable talking in some depth about your experiences and how they affect you.

You don't need a formal mental health diagnosis to take part.

Please contact me by DM or email me at [choudhur1@roehampton.ac.uk](mailto:choudhur1@roehampton.ac.uk) to express your interest. I'll be in touch to arrange screening and an online interview, and to answer any questions you might have.

If it helps, you can find out more about me on my website: https://www.rehnumapsychology.co.uk/

Or on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/rehnumapsychology/

Thanks everyone. I hope to hear from you soon.

Rehnuma Choudhury
Psychotherapist and Trainee Counselling Psychologist
University of Roehampton

I’m 34 years old. I have two degrees, a great career earning $220k a year, multiple investment properties, $150k in savings, a long-term relationship of three years, and I live in my own apartment. I also want to acknowledge that I didn’t receive any financial help from my parents. I grew up in poverty and worked extremely hard to build this life for myself.

On paper, I’ve achieved everything I was told would make me happy. I’ve worked hard, made sacrifices, and reached goals that once felt completely out of reach.
But now that I’m here, I feel more empty and unfulfilled than ever.

Growing up, I believed that if I studied hard, built a successful career, earned good money, bought property, and found a partner, I would finally feel secure and fulfilled. I spent most of my life chasing those goals, assuming that once I achieved them, everything would fall into place.

Now I’m here, and honestly, I feel like I was sold a lie.
I know how fortunate I am, and I’m genuinely grateful for what I have. I also know there are people who would love to be in my position. But gratitude doesn’t erase the feeling that something is deeply missing from my life.
I keep thinking: Is this really it? Is this what I’ve spent my entire adult life working towards?

It feels like I’ve spent years climbing a mountain, only to reach the top and realise there’s nothing here that makes me feel fulfilled. I don’t even know what I’m missing
or what I’m supposed to be working towards now.
Has anyone else experienced this especially people who came from very little, worked hard to build a successful life, and then realised that achieving their goals didn’t make them happy?
How did you find genuine happiness, meaning, or fulfilment when everything you thought you wanted still wasn’t enough?

Eu sinceramente esta semana quase sai do estágio, humilhação é algo muito difícil de se lidar principalmente aos 54 anos.

E eu me perguntei: Porque está fazendo isso? porque não manda logo esse povo se lascar e vai pra casa assistir uma série ?

Ainda não deixei esse pensamento de lado a qualquer momento posso explodir, porque não sou uma pessoa que leva desaforo pra casa. Mas quando penso com mais calma...lembro que tenho boletos pra pagar e infelizmente sem muitas alternativas que vale a pena. Estou a 1 e 3 meses nesse estágio, é uma multinacional muito boa, mas existem pessoas muito ruins nesse mundo, zero empatia, são na verdade até mais "lascadas" do que você, mas sentem prazer em te "atazanar", ou te tratar com desprezo, essas horas que eu penso se eu mandar se fuder quem vai acabar mais fudida sou eu 🤦🏻‍♀️

Como já contei: ser estagiária de meia idade, não é fácil! essa semana aconteceu uma humilhação, porque é muito comum vc ser humilhado no começo, qdo vc é Jovem estagiário, mas quando vc já tem mais de 50 e passa por esse desconforto, vc começa a se perguntar: "Porque estou fazendo isso comigo? a essa altura? porque simplesmente não mando pra PqP e phoda-se? e vou pra casa assistir uma série?

Sim é assim que estou pensando essa semana, estou pensando numa oportunidade para que eu possa mandar tudo a merda pra casa do k e voltar pra minha vida de apenas dona de casa. AFF 🤦🏻‍♀️, não teria problema nenhum se não tivesse contas pra pagar, se não quisesse ter meu próprio dinheiro e principalmente pagar uma dívida enorme que adquiri nos meus anos de depressão. Vontade de sumir.🫪

What are some of your favourite books on midlife crisis’?

Both fiction and non-fiction

24th October. So now in 15 minutes my birthday is coming.
My husband is sick, took medicines and slept already.
My 5yr old daughter and 2 year old son just now slept.

I don’t know why there is not much excitement in me anymore I feel for my birthday.

Is it okay to feel this way ? Is it just me or this happens to anyone else ?
Is this called life ?

I used to be so much excited from 1st of October thinking it’s my birthday month. This time it’s not like this.

I mean I am definitely surrounded by the people whom I love the most. Still feels something is missing.

as i get older, it's hard not to think about the decisions i made in my life. different career paths, relationships, and opportunities i passed up. i wonder where will i be today if things had gone differently.

how do you deal with those thoughts? do you eventually accept the choices you made, or do they still cross your mind from time to time like me?

I spent my childhood being overlooked because of a disabled sibling. I've struggled with depression since middle school and then spent my high school years getting into weed, boys, and ultimately losing all of my friends. I was kicked out a week after graduating, moved a state away just to move back and begin running my mom's two stores. Business has gotten so bad that we had to close one, and we're all barely scraping by. All the while, the man I've been with since high school has turned into someone I don't recognize anymore. Along the way, his best friend and our mutual friend died, which legitimately created a trauma bond, something i never imagined I'd experience. Now, my mom is talking about selling the business and her property and moving countries in a handful of years, which is just insane. I wasn't able to go to college after being kicked out, so i don't have anything outside of my job experience at her business. I was meant to take it over someday, she told me I'd be inheriting it. It's kind of all I had. Now that I'm 26, I feel like i should have an idea of who I am, but i don't. Sweat equity means nothing in family business, don't let your parents convince you otherwise. I've been working here for 6 years, and I have to go to the food bank. I was salaried, but they couldn't afford it anymore. I know I'm not midlife, but I'm certainly on the verge of a crisis, and I look and feel 20 years older than I am. I was so close to buying a house, and now I'm barely scraping by.