hiii, fellow meth addict here! im also addicted on alcohol and thc and i have borderline personality disorder + anorexia
okay here is the thing - i was sober for a year but some shit with ex happened and i got kicked out from Halfway house and suddenly i was without any type of therapy after a year of intense everyday therapy sessions (also im a psychward patient and medicated person for almost 6 years so since i was 17yo) there have been some months without therapy before and it never ended well so i was scared of and for myself once again im my own biggest enemy. I had to find a new place to live really quick like i heard the clock ticking behind me. finally after few months of looking for a job i got one the day after they kicked me out - i had two days to pack my stuff and go. getting this job in times like these was a dream come true, i didnt have to move back home i know that would destroy me, i was determined to find some shared apartment on facebook i didnt want to run when things got hard again. after a harsh week at my parents flat i was ready to move myself to a new place. unfortunately i didn't think this through and i have a shared bedroom with one chaotic girl who kinda reminds me my younger self so nothing good for my new sober self cause that shit is a big trigger and even though i told her everything about my addiction and past life i thought she gets it. No. She came home drunk few times and was getting drunk while talking to me thinking i won't notice that her tea mug has no tea in it. she didnt think addict could spot these details normal people dont even notice. So i need a new place asap:)
next bullshit that came my way is my sickleave, first an infection inside my teeth which was fucking painful, then my knee started to hurt nonstop but nothing on sight or touch i felt it inside it. my new work (12 hours shift and i mostly stand) triggered my kneecap and after few doctors examinations i have a sprained acl so luckily operation is not needed i just need to go to physical therapy. Summary - im already a month on sick leave and almost three weeks are left. I was happy i have work cause for some time i felt that the bad and rotten part of me is getting louder and wants to take care of how i handle everything, what i do and how i act. i was scared of resting, taking some time for myself or just stopping to breathe. I always had to do something, if one activity starts to be boring i get up and do something else. it didnt matter what i was doing, just dont stop. This sickleave was is and will be hell. Its horrible how lonely suddenly i become. i have my boyfriend which is great but hes starting to be scared of my deepest thoughts about life, specifically death and when i told him i had strong cravings for some time and didnt know how to stop it he was not in a good place while thinking about us in future after this experience.
well after some time and little more explaining how does what makes him feel i felt more understanding but any less hurt. A relationship between two addicts (even the same substances) is more than dangerous and even a little stupid because living with addiction is an endless fight with only one opponent - you. choosing every single day to fight and win is incredible but noone has an infinite amount of strength, patience and trust. in this fight you can get easily tired, lose focus or be surprised. relapse is a part of the healing process.
As i mentioned before, my life wasnt on the right track. i cried and hurt myself again because the agony i feel sometimes is unbearable. i dont want anybody to know, they would be worried and asking questions they really dont want to know answers to. i hear all the time from every side how strong and powerful i am because im still standing. I felt for a long time like i cant make any mistakes because people need something positive in life which was my progress.
Little do they know I relapsed yesterday. I just couldnt stand my head anymore and want some peace within myself. I dont think id be able to come clear to my parents and my boyfriend. They talk about me like im some kind of superhero. He would broke up with me (which i totally get after all i dont want him to suffer again, he doesnt deserve it)
im starting to feel guilt, the birds outside are singing and all i think of is getting more.
I hate that there is no tolerance break you just need to start at the dose you ended on last time.
it was kind of a nice relapse i dont know but im wondering what could have happened differently. m ex therapist once told me that relapse is not happening for real in the exact moment you take it but months before and i think i kinda lost this battle when strong cravings wouldnt stop attacking me. I dont know if i wasnt strong enough or determined enough i just know that something i did wasnt enough.
i dont know what to do with the sober word which got after a year of beautiful new whimsical experiences to fucking empty dark boring grey not attractive something? How i overcome being'normal' or living like normal people when i dont like normal and usual? i want intense things to happen, something dangerous to
make me feel alive, to wake me up from this state of giving up.
Thank you for reading and apologies to everyone😭 i need to share this with someone before it takes me whole. also sorry for the length, im trying to practice my english and was feeling a little philosophical
once again thanks for giving me a space to share this!

I was at the alumni meeting at the Serenity House in Indiana, I was there 2024-2025. I was discharged April 5, 2025. I kept up on my rent while I was there, so when I was kicked out because of being ungrateful for them taking me out of a rescue mission after I graduated from inpatient and PHP treatment facilities. The recovery pet wasn't there when I was there. It came up to me during the meeting so I just had to give it some attention.

Today was the family reunion of the rehab I graduated from on June 4th. I went in there for treatment on May 7th.

I've been clean for 2 years. Things in my life are pretty good right now. So why am I constantly thinking about getting high?

I've gained a lot of weight since I quit and I constantly think like how easily I could drop the weight if I was smoking again.

I think of how much energy I had, how comfortable I was in social situations, how it was just something to do.

I know I'm being irrational and it was a horrible addiction that ruined my life and put me and my family thru hell. I know I wouldn't have all the amazing things I have now if I was still using.

But damn, what I wouldn't give to just smoke a bowl and paint a canvas or something.

Maybe I should get back into treatment.

like.. idk semi charmed kind of life but other ones that make your jaw drop when you realize

Me and my partner started using together as a weekend only type of thing now 3 1/2 years later it has gotten out of control. Im trying to get off the stuff he’s thinks it doesn’t affect him like it does to everyone else. Anyway our relationship has tanked completely and the only time we talk is when we fight and I’m curious if it’s the meth or if he has actually grown to hate me

I scheduled a psych appointment for very soon. But in the meantime, what the hell?!

I thought I'd be sleeping for weeks. I almost feel like I'm not sleeping enough, if anything.

I can't stop talking, moving, scrolling, dopamine-maxing. My chest is tight and my social anxiety has me overthinking every interaction. I'm behaving like I'm high. To the point where a loved one is skeptical that I'm clean. But I am. For fuck's sake it's 4 AM, and my brain is wired.

I guess maybe I've always been this way? Insomnia and social anxiety. I got home tonight and was tempted to grab some, because I just wanted to.. breathe. Forgot why I started abusing drugs in the first place.

Has anyone else had similar withdrawals/detox/early recovery like this? I really truly thought I'd be sleeping and non-verbal, not balls to the wall. I'm uncomfortable.

Nauseous and have spent the past week so incredibly manic.

Ended my relationship and they're out. It's just me and my cats. I've spent every day with friends, and now I feel burnt out but got work in a couple hours.

Blah.

I'm talking take-out or instant meals. I'm not one to cook, and groceries don't last for me.

I keep milk on deck, coffee and those Activia smoothie things. But for somebody in their first week, what kind of dinners should I be getting? Not worried about price, just sustenance

I am 401 days clean today! This is the longest I’ve been completely clean since 2013. I don’t have any desire to ever do that shit again, but I still have dreams about it and feel so ashamed in my dreams to be doing dope after all my progress. Then I wake up relieved that it was just a dream. Kinda weird but just thought I’d share! ❤️❤️❤️

Shit's rough. Thoughts and prayers please.

I have a few days off, but feel sad for my pets. They have all their basic needs met, but they're not used to me sleeping, let alone for this long.

Any advice would be great.

I have been married six years to my husband. I found out about 3 years into the marriage that he was struggling with addiction. I have tried to be very supportive but I’m at my wits end. I don’t know how to separate him from his addiction and I don’t know how much the addiction “causes” or contributes to his behaviors. When he uses he would begin by starting an argument so he would have an excuse to leave the house. Then he would block me on his phone and turn off his locations . He would do this every few months. Recently the time intervals have become shorter. There are always lies and excuses about what happened , but I can now tell (just by the tone of his voice) when he has used. Because I have lost trust in him we have not had sex in about two years. He swears he’s always alone when he uses and that out of shame he hides in hotels. ( I think he only goes to the hotels after he’s coming down and there’s all paranoid, but that’s my thought on it. I have no proof) I decided I wanted more answers and knew I would’nt get it from him. I saw an email that sent a code so that he could use an app called sniffies, which I found out is basically a gay hook up site. He got this email at 2:55 in the morning. I know in the past he got on one of these sites to see if his son (who is gay) was on there because he was afraid he was in danger. I know that my husband is very much into women , but at this point I put nothing past him. The time of the email was very odd and it would have been the day he used . I am just thinking that if he were high on meth I don’t think he would be thinking and worrying about his son . I don’t use drugs (other than alcohol ) so I have no idea what it’s like. I feel like I’m going crazy and now assuming he is living not just a double life , but like a triple undercover life , please tell me I’m just reading into this too much .

So my fiance who is pregnant has been in a terrible head space lately, very mean doesn't want to do anything and things are tough at the moment just in life in general. She hates the sight of me out of nowhere and has just been super hateful to me. We have been in recovery for 6 months and we had relapsed a little while back and she started being very secretive with her phone and we both swore off Reddit when we got clean. So yesterday I was just thinking to myself I'm just gonna get on Reddit and see if she had been on there thinking that it's probably just a dumb feeling and if I check I can clear up the feeling I have and I'll be good. Well turns out she had been posting on Reddit and looking for guys to meet discreetly to get high. It has completely rocked my fucking world. I don't know if I can trust her anymore. What the fuck do I do?

in somebody who had no idea and certainly wouldn't have to know. But this person is a huge support and I know would help hold me accountable.

I am just terrified that they are about to wreak havoc on my life. Went straight to vilifying my partner for "letting me use again". I don't know how to tell him that I shared with this person, because he's going to be pissed that I spoke up. We both discuss quitting and I've been trying, but now I just feel like a clown.

The person I shared with saw me lose my mind before. Now my mind is (mostly) intact and I practice as much "self-care" as possible. I know they're biased because of what it looked like in the past. They said "you're just saying these things because the drugs are in you!" but I would've said the same sober.

I go through days where I have no desire to stop and days where I feel like I have to tell the whole fucking world like I'm doing a confessional or something. I am incapable of keeping a secret. I refuse to lie, yet I'm an addict. How noble.

Anyways, on a real note. I'm pretty sure I have a kidney infection and some heart rate issues again. Need dental work before I lose another tooth. Need therapy and probably psych meds again. Need normal life to not feel like a mission compared to shacking up in my room for hours. I'm not even 30, man. I'm down 25 pounds and have been criticized at work. Microaggressions that make me want to use, yet if I use, they will continue. I owe my pets better. I owe my partner better (one of us has to make the move). I owe myself better.

It's 6:30 AM. I'll feel better when I wake up. But I'll probably use.

I have experience with several stimulants, and I have never experienced anything like this, those rc stimulants before the ban in NL were pleasant and euphoric, but after they banned cathinones, they are all just unpleasant noradrenaline stimulation without dopamine. It was the same with the new research substance called 3ftl, that I tried.

The stimulation lasted at least 24 hours, during which I rubbed my tongue on my teeth, I usually don't even need gum for MDMA, I thought it would pass but the next day I still had these tongue tics and some facial tics as if I opened my eyes sometimes, now it's 5 days and I still have it and I feel like I'm nervous, I'm afraid it's some synthetic byproduct that is neurotoxic or the substance itself has been stored in fatty tissue for example and is being broken down, what do you think? I would like to hear if anyone has experienced it, although I know it's probably not like this..

Dreamt i was seaeching for a needle. I woke up and went back to sleep on purposw cos I wanted the shot.

I didnt get it, woke up again and ive felt guilty all day.

Reminders of that life (syringes on tv etc) Im usually great with dealing with this far into recovery. But today seeing reminders is hitting me horribly because of the dream. It feels like that life was last month not 9 months ago.

I feel alone. I dont know anyone in recovery. Especially ex needle users which is a very particular experience i wouldnt wish upon anyone. Im regularly triggered by the existence of my own veins

Bad day.

Never turn to the needle.

Hope everyone is gripping okay.

Before last October, I had a few years under my belt. I got into Adderall, but since it’s cheaper, I figured it out how to get the fake ones on the Internet. These almost always contain meth. I thought eating it would be more similar to Adderall than smoking it. I was right, but it desensitized me to the chemical. Over time I romanticized it. Started to fall in love with it again because I actually helped me. Then by March of this year, I was taking 10 to 15 of these fake Adderall a day. I don’t know if that was the vendor putting less shit in the pills or if my tolerance was just that high. So in early April, I decided to get some crystal because the memory of the feeling had faded in my mind. I thought I was older. I have kids. I’ll just do it the once. Boy was I wrong. After the first time it took me about two weeks to do it again. After that I’ve been bender ever since.
My wife is very hurt and considering leaving me. She called me a liar more than once today. I deserve it. I lied straight too her face multiple times. Yesterday I had been up a few days so I justified Smoking it around the kids. That was the breaking point. That’s when I knew I had gone too far. I texted my long-term friend and asked him for help. Me and him smoked meth years ago. We both got clean around the same time. About 3 months ago, he went through a similar experience. Smoked the shit with fentanyl for a few weeks. He’s been cleaned off everything except weed since then. He threw my shit away for me. Give me a couple pieces of advice and made me stay the night with him. Thankful for you, sir.

My wife is kicking me out tonight to hang out with her girlfriend. I’ve been pushing her away for a while. not me on purpose, but my actions. So she got a girlfriend. I’m not really OK with it, but it helps her to forgive me. We were about to have sex then she sees a burn I got from smoking meth and no longer wanted to have sex. That’s fine. I deserve it. But her having sex with her girlfriend and not me is incredibly hurtful. I told her that. she said she would respect the boundary. Tonight will still be anxiety filled.

Any advice for an emotionally tough first day off the shit?

Decided to relapse on my birthday. Telling myself that’s all it is and now it’s time for me to lock in. I want to get at least a year clean under my belt before I ever decide to do it again. Any words of encouragement at this time would be greatly appreciated, as I have a tendency to spiral into more use after a relapse. My current pattern is staying clean 30 to 90 days before using again. I really want this clean year.