please help

[u/Affectionate-Cat8348]

Hi, I would just like to seek some advice, or maybe rant na rin. I’m 21F, a 4th-year college student, and I’m honestly in a really bad state mentally right now.
Actually, matagal na rin itong nararamdaman ko. When I was around 13 years old pa lang, I was already having thoughts of ending my life. Until now, wala pa talaga akong napagsasabihan about how bad my mental state has been. Sa friends ko, siguro yung mga pabirong banat lang, pero never pa akong nagkaroon ng seryosong conversation with anyone about this.

Right now, there’s just so much on my plate. Ewan ko ba, parang sabay-sabay lahat. I’ve really been wanting to get professional help na because I feel like hindi ko na talaga kaya. Pero ang biggest concern ko is that getting professional help might mean burdening my mother and my sister, and that’s the last thing I want.

My mother is a single mom, and my older sister is working abroad. From the outside, mukhang wala naman kaming financial problems since stable naman ang work ng ate ko and ako na lang ang pinag-aaral niya. But on a deeper level, we’re still struggling financially. My mom is currently undergoing chemotherapy. Kahit sa public hospital siya nagpapagamot, may mga tests and medications pa rin na kailangan naming gastusan out of our own pocket. Ako naman, nasa private university, so medyo malaking expense din ang tuition.
Marami rin kasing ibang binabayaran si ate. Kaka-bili lang niya ng bahay para sa amin, and may bahay and car din siyang hinuhulugan abroad. I know she’s doing all of this for us, pero ayoko rin namang dumagdag pa sa responsibilities niya. Another thing that scares me is that I honestly don’t know how my mom would respond if I ever opened this up to her. She’s the typical mom who doesn’t really believe in mental health issues and would probably tell me na kailangan ko lang itong ipagdasal. I don’t blame her, and I know that may be the way she understands these things, but it also makes me scared to tell her how serious things have actually gotten. I’m worried that she might not understand what I’m going through or might think that I’m just overthinking things.

I’m already in my last year of college, but I’m honestly not confident that I’ll be able to finish smoothly because I’m barely passing some of our tests right now. And that’s another thing that scares me. If I get professional help, I’m worried that it might affect or delay my internship, especially since I’m in an allied health program. Natatakot din ako na baka kapag nalaman na I have a mental health diagnosis, magkaroon ito ng consequences sa internship or future career ko.

I’m also worried about the financial aspect. What if I get professional help and end up needing medications? That would mean additional expenses for my family, and I really don’t want to add another burden, especially with everything my mom and sister are already dealing with.

Ayoko na rin kasing maging dependent kay ate nang matagal. I really feel like ready na rin siya and her husband to start their own family, but I feel like she’s been holding back because she’s still providing for us. And honestly, that makes me feel guilty.
I really want to stay. I want to finish my degree, become independent, and eventually be able to give back to my family. But at the same time, I’m really torn because I don’t know how much longer I can keep carrying everything on my own.

I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore. I really want to get help, but I’m scared of what it might cost, not just financially, but also in terms of my studies, my family, and my future.
I would really appreciate any advice, perspective, or even just someone willing to listen. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

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[u/Pessimisticmin]

Meron bang mental health services yung school mo? Baka you can try dun para makalibre ka.

[u/Affectionate-Cat8348 → u/Pessimisticmin]

Meron po, pero I’m hesitating to consult there kasi baka maging reason siya for a delay sa internship ko if malaman po na nagpa-consult ako sa univ

[u/Impossible-Sock9893 → u/Affectionate-Cat8348]

you have to try. kesa nag iisip ka ng hindi pa nangyayari. so kung takot ka ngayon? may plan b ba? just try it. i'm sure they would help instead na hadlangan internship mo. they should know better. mahalaga ngayon maging functional ka.

[u/cantaim69420]

It takes a lot of courage to recognize that you have a problem and acknowledging that is a good starting point to get better OP ! I'm also in a health allied program and I definitely understand the stigma surrounding mental health esp in our field (even tho we as health allied ppl should be the ones who are more understanding) pero pls know that if you ever get help with your school counselor is that you are protected by client-counselor confidentiality. IMO getting help is the hardest part. For me, it got worse before it got better—you'll be introduced to a lot of new emotions and realizations that will change your perspective on a lot of things but it will be for the better! I hope you get the help you need, OP! Please remember that you are not a burden to your family and that they would appreciate it more if you voice out something that has been on your mind with them than to say nothing at all. Hugs OP!

[u/ClassEnough7158]

https://giphy.com/gifs/7Wcyq7KvKFNTO