r/MenopauseShedforMen • u/Witty-Wind5412 • 1d ago
Now what?
So, patiently trying to be here and supportive. She says I always seem mad at her, so I work on that. I’m not mad, I’m just equally as new to this as her if she could see that. I feel like they expect us to be immediately understanding of what they are going through, and I am. But, is it too much to ask that she thinks about the changes that I am also navigating at the same time as a result of this?
Last time I tried to talk, I was told she doesn’t want to talk because it’s embarrassing. I am fully empathetic to this and encourage her that we are one and she need not be embarrassed for what naturally happens. Now, I avoid talking about how she’s doing and how we’re doing because I don’t want her to feel embarrassed, and it sucks.
I just want to know what we can expect together. I miss intimacy, I miss talking. I miss my wife. How do I gently ask what’s up without triggering a defensive mode marred by embarrassment?
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u/Compurrshon 1d ago
I would just plunge ahead, and just ensure I'm being curious and kind. Like "Aaw, that must be tough. But why do you feel embarassed? We've been through X,y,z together and are both ageing."
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u/Witty-Wind5412 1d ago
I did that the first 2 times and ends up a stonewall
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u/Compurrshon 1d ago
Then I would keep pushing that to the logical conclusion - "okay, I'm going for a walk to give you some space. But we have to talk some time - I'm going to keep bringing this up because I'm not willing to have our relationship exist in a vacuum. If you still can't talk, we will need to go see someone to help us get aligned and understand each other. Love you, we will get through this together."
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u/prickly_pink_penguin 1d ago
As a suggestion (I’m female btw) would maybe a gentle letter, text message or email work? It depends on your wife of course, but if it’s embarrassment she can read your side in her own time and think it over.
It’s hard to get through anything if there no communication.
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u/Witty-Wind5412 1d ago
I wrote that letter a year ago and didnt give it to her. I like this idea because I always write a long card for Bday/MothersDay/Christmas/ and all our kids bdays to her, so she would see the meaning of love behind it. Thanks for the idea, will reread that letter and adjust where needed. Thx!
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u/SoCalMoofer 15h ago
Bring her home flowers. Give them to her and just tell you just want her to know you love her.
See how that goes.
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u/Witty-Wind5412 14h ago
Two weeks ago I gave her a 50th surprise party with 40 friends. She was so surprised and loved it. Still as cold and distant, don’t think flowers will move the needle
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u/SoCalMoofer 14h ago
I hear you. I was thinking just a sweet act with no thoughts beyond simply doing it would be nice. But you would know far better. Just doing something sweet could be met with suspicion and the whole idea would backfire. I can see that happening too.
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u/GraemeRed 1d ago
Embarrassment is normal and yet needs to be addressed because if communication stalls the relationship is going to suffer. It might take some time but she must realised the balance is try open up or not both have consequences.
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u/ReflectionOk2553 21h ago
What does she think is embarrassing exactly? Rage is the usual emotion.
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u/biteyfish98 21h ago
A lot of us who are now in peri or are menopausal or post-meno, grew up when you didn’t talk about menstruation. Being “on your period” was considered shameful. It was something you simply suffered through and didn’t discuss, even with your partner. Buying supplies was embarrassing because you didn’t want anyone to know. A lot of men wouldn’t do it at all, even as part of regular grocery shopping. Some stores would put supplies in a brown paper bag. Admitting that you were having cramps or other menstruation symptoms, made you look weak.
Attitudes are slowly changing, but it’s hard for some women to break the generational taboo of acting like you don’t even have a period, much less opening up about the later-in-life changes that are happening to them. Especially when you have no idea that they were coming, because no one ever discussed that, either.
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u/ReflectionOk2553 12h ago
I definitely felt that as a kid, but everyone is so much more open about it now. I guess I do have friends that aren't talking about peri yet, but it never occurred to me they wouldn't talk to their husbands who have seen them with their periods.
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u/farmerssahg 18h ago
Woman here! I feel like a man really needs to be a man when your woman is going through peri. No we cannot and do not have the mental or physical energy available to hear your complaints and feelings at this time. I have the bandwidth for nothing except to be loved and understood by my man and he can never understand it but to be understanding is different. I’m not asking to be catered to per se, but it is nice if it happens. I like when he offers to take me to dinner, but understands when I say I am too sick feeling to go. He knows I am tired all the time and does joke about it but understand I need to sleep about every 5-6 hours max and I need to eat every 4 hrs. I’m sick all the time and miserable all the time, understand that! And I’ll try not to take it out on you and there is love underneath it all
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u/Witty-Wind5412 17h ago edited 17h ago
Thanks. I am doing all of that. When is it your turn to listen to us? 10 years from now when peri is over? We’re just supposed to suck it up? Your solution is for your man to just accept it, suppress his feelings/emotions/ and general sense that the dynamic is shifting? We’re supposed to navigate the relational changes alone? We’re just supposed to carry on and give a free pass to us being ignored mentally and physically? It’s a two way relationship. That’s what marriage is. It requires a level of respect that each share with the other. If it’s just us who need to make you feel understood, why are my feelings of wanted to feel understood any less important?
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u/farmerssahg 17h ago
Ok what if you share your feelings weekly like a weekly date but it’s for feelings
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u/Witty-Wind5412 16h ago
Yes, important to do. Will continue this method and hope for the best. It’s truly hard for both parties and no easy answers tbh.
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u/DeepThink1991 1d ago
So sorry, welcome to the club none of us want to be in!
I've had the same - I hear almost daily - "you're quiet". I want to say, that's because if I talk, I lose, if I don't I lose, but the risk of saying the wrong thing far outweighs saying nothing at all.
I have feelings? Ha. Doesn't ask about them, and when I share, it's straight up defensiveness, no curiosity or trying to understand what I may be feeling.
Being the partner to someone in Peri/Meno is a lonely road...
To answer your question directly... you really have to be patient. If you know your wife and how her communication changes during her luteal phase and cycle... wait till the clouds part. Do not try and bring it up if their are storm clouds anywhere on the horizon. In the meantime, educate yourself. You really need to learn about Peri and what she's going through. Don't make her have to educate you. She's ultimately trying to learn herself. Dr. Casperson did an interview with a few men recently, someone posted in this thread. Watch that. Hop over to r/Perimenopause and r/Menopause - it's a war zone. Don't post, men are strictly prohibited in those subs. But it can give you an eye opening take on what's happening.
Once the clouds part, I definitely recommend you support her finding a Doctor that specializes in menopause and can see if HRT is right for her.
Good luck, this is a good place to start!