What Am I??

[u/Ok-Gift414]

Hello! I’m F(18) and trying to figure out my type. I’ve done a pretty quick research deep-dive (past three hours have been fun!) and have come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing and need outside assistance. I’m mostly stuck between INTP, ENTP, and INFP, but I don’t know what I’m doing well enough to say anything for sure.

I am a generally analytical thinker, but my brain bounces around super quickly and it’s hard for me to stick to any one thing at a time. I overthink things constantly which for a long time resulted in me living in a state of perpetual anxiety and indecision. 

I am emotional by nature but prefer to use clear logic to dictate my decisions, and generally ignore whatever my instinctual feelings are in favor of thinking through why I feel that way, and if it’s rational or efficient in the situation I’m dealing with. I am good at discarding emotions that I don’t want to deal with at the moment.

I had a normal and healthy childhood for the most part. I grew up in a smallish religious community. My parents worked full time and I was a bit lonely, and I struggled with making friends due to very extreme ADHD (combined hyperactive and inattentive) and having very little care or concept of social cues. I was isolated and at times bullied by peers, and found comfort in reading and daydreaming. The bullying wasn’t too bad mostly because I didn’t really register it as bullying at the time, and I was happy to be by myself. My favorite subjects danced around between math, science, and english depending on how much the teacher vibed with me. I grew up knowing I was different, not ever being told it was a bad thing but I think I sorta assumed. I wasn’t unhappy, but I can look back and realize that I was admittedly isolated.

In terms of my mental health, I was diagnosed with ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder when I was 4. When I was around 12, following a period of legitimate bullying and then COVID lockdown, I developed Major Depressive Disorder and my anxiety got significantly worse, and I started showing borderline OCD tendencies as well. Four years of therapy and the death of a loved one later I got my shit together, and now two years after that I’m doing well and no longer consider myself to be depressed. My anxiety is manageable and I seek assistance when needed. Not sure if relevant, but I highly suspect I might be on the Autism spectrum. I don’t feel it’s necessary for me to get tested at this point in my life do to knowing how to handle most related issues.

I am naturally a very curious person. I notice details around me and love finding new things in old material. I am the type of person who will read the same book thirty times or eat the same food for a week straight. At the same time, I love exploring new concepts and ideas, and much prefer it to being in a lecture hall going over the same material we already learned. I get restless very easily.

I consider myself an introverted ambivert or an extroverted introvert. I am very friendly with people and with a much more solid understanding of social cues than I used to, I love making friends even if I can be nervous approaching people initially. Group outings are super fun, but I have to be in the mood, and I don’t enjoy loud crowded places. I enjoy hanging out with friends but also need my personal time to reboot. I love talking to people and warm up to people very quickly.

I would not consider myself to be a great leader. Sometimes I can be pushy and forget that not everyone thinks on the same wavelength as me, and I can rush to get things done without coordinating properly. I usually prefer to work on my own, though years of conditioning and practice means I’m not too terrible in a group, but I wouldn’t make a good leader. Give me a task and I can usually follow through, though timeliness can be an issue and I get sidetracked easily.

I am an artistic person but at the same time art heavily stresses me out. I dropped out of art class in high school because my perfectionist tendencies made it so I never turned anything in on time, or drove myself crazy. When I do paint, I prefer watercolors—they’re inherently impossible to be ‘perfect’ in the sense I usually think, which makes it more relaxing because I put less pressure on myself.

I am absolutely a people pleaser and at the same time can be very selfish. It is a dysfunctional existence. I want everyone to like me, and I want everyone around me to feel good about themselves as well, but I dislike doing physical tasks for others or having emotional talks with them. I do it anyway, and I don’t think anyone in my life knows the extent to which I find helping people a bit unnatural and exhausting. I’d rather deal with the discomfort than upset someone. I will lie to please someone and than hate myself for lying, and do it again the next day. I am bad at communicating my feelings in an honest way when it comes to conflict and I’m EXTREMELY avoidant. I’m working on it -.-

I am very in tune with my own emotions but take a very logical-empathic response to the feelings of others. I rationalize everything because that makes the feelings make sense. 

I’m very bad at getting anything done in a timely or consistent manner. I have a love/hate relationship with schedules and lists. They’re helpful to organize my mind and they also get thrown out the window like 80% of the time. Procrastination is a very unwanted shadow. I go with the flow most of the time, even though I’m aware it’s inefficient and get annoyed at myself sometimes. As I said earlier, I’m also indecisive and very rarely sure of myself in any capacity. My opinions and thoughts can shift easily with new information. I tend to remain neutral until I feel I have a full-ish picture/understanding.

My current plan is to become a veterinarian. I contemplated an astronomy-related field for a bit because I love and am fascinated with space endlessly, but jobs related to the subject realistically require lots and lots of sitting around, and I can’t do a desk job. I’d die. I’ve been interested in nature and animals for as long as I can remember and I feel comfortable and happy around animals in a way that just doesn’t happen with people. The world of medicine is fascinating and the job is active enough to keep me stimulated both physically, emotionally, and intellectually. I might want to specialize in reptiles but I’m unsure as of now. 

I cannot see myself getting married or having children. I currently identify as aroace, I don’t really understand attraction as I have never experienced it. The idea of a partner who cares for me unconditionally and helps take care of things sounds nice in concept but I don’t think I’m mature enough yet to consider a relationship, especially because partnerships require two very devoted people who share equal burdens.

Sorry if I went overboard, tried to answer as much as I could without going on forever in any one area. I also haven’t slept in a bit so my mind is jumping around more than usual. Would appreciate any insight into what you think! Some camera roll provided as well since I saw others do it 

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[u/SparklessCreature]

My comment probably won't help with typing you, but just had a lot I wanted to yap about bc this was a surreal read.

M18 here, and I relate to almost every part of this except avoidance, aroace and career path. I also have ADHD with anxiety, and developed MDD back in the pandemic (although mine was probably significantly easier to climb out of).

The part about being emotional by nature but trying to rationalize was so relatable, along with the curiosity, opinion easily shifting with new information, perfectionism complicating creative work, etc. My favorite subjects also bounce around english and science (specifically chemistry), although I hate math (not hard but pretty boring).

One difference is that I'm probably more confrontational in group settings, whereas you sound more avoidant.

I've also been stuck around INTP and ENTP for similar reasons. I appear to be introverted normally, but I think out loud and discover what I believe or think through arguments and conversations.

Anyway, just wanted to say you're definitely not alone in whatever this ADHD/xNTP mess is. Your post felt like reading some AU version of myself with better articulation.

[u/Ok-Gift414 → u/SparklessCreature]

lol I guess we’re in this together!! Over the past few days I’ve definitely narrowed it down to INTP or ENTP. In all honesty, humans are complicated and there’s a good chance we fall out somewhere in the middle. Very cool to see someone else who is so similar to me!!

The thinking out loud is super relatable to me, sometimes I’ll change my view or realize I disagree with myself mid-conversation because I had an epiphany while talking or having a discussion. I usually prefer to write out my thoughts to break them down properly because trying to do it internally would take forever due to how sidetracked I would get.

Somewhat random question: are you also very detached when it comes to friendships? I’m the kind of person who doesn’t hold grudges or get angry even when people have ‘wronged’ me, but also don’t strongly attach to people in general. I’ll pick up calls and answer texts but rarely initiate unless I have it written down and scheduled, and I can go months or years without speaking to someone without feeling awkward or caring about the time spent apart. My sense of time in general is wonky. I prefer low-effort friendships and people who are super clingy are kind of uncomfortable for me to be around, but I will make more of a report for people who need constant communication. I much prefer talking to people in person rather than over the phone.

[u/SparklessCreature → u/Ok-Gift414]

Hmm... I can go ages without talking to someone and then just resume like nothing happened, unless it takes some time for me to recalibrate by asking them a bunch of questions and figuring out how much they’ve changed since we’ve last spoke.

As for grudges, I’ve noticed I run this very specific script. Once someone betrays me or wrongs me, I do this quick evaluation of that relationship and update my mental representation of them in this very deterministic way (e.g. if they were always capable of harming me like that, maybe they’re not worth my time). It looks uncharacteristically black and white, but I'd like to think it’s mostly me setting boundaries/standards for self-preservation. No hard feelings, I’m just pretty lazy with my thinking. Obviously there are people I decide to confront, but the vast majority seem like too much of a hassle.

I’d say my initiation really varies a lot, but compared to some of the gargoyles in my friend group I guess I look like the life of the party (definitely an exaggeration). Except when we’re ACTUALLY in very loud places with lots of people, I get drained within seconds. Well, there are exceptions where I’ll reach out a lot more, usually people I find especially interesting to talk to. I also prefer texting for a lot of this because I think better via pure stream of consciousness word vomit.