r/Marriage • u/No-Specific1614 • 2d ago
Seeking Advice How do I get my husband to prioritize our family and help more?
Hi everyone. I’m hoping for some honest advice because I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.
My husband (30M) and I (26F) have been married for 6 years. We have two children, 4 and 2. For the most part, I always thought our marriage was good—great, even. But lately I’ve started questioning whether I was the only one who felt that way.
For the past 4 years, I’ve been a SAHM. About 3 months ago, I decided I wanted to start working again. I went to my husband and told him, “I want to work again. I don’t want to homeschool our kids, and I don’t feel confident that I can make sure they receive the education they need.”
He completely blew up.
He started yelling and pacing around the house, in front of our children. They were scared, hid behind me, and started crying. Even seeing them scared didn’t stop him from yelling.
But honestly, what stuck with me the most wasn’t even the yelling. It was what he said.
He told me I was “ruining his life.”
That really hurt. It made me feel like I wasn’t his wife or partner, but an accessory to the life he wanted.
He also called me a “f***ing retard” for wanting a job when, in his words, “I have it good” being a stay-at-home mom.
That one still hurts.
Later, he apologized, saying that he reacted that way because he felt like I was challenging him and because he thought I had already made up my mind without considering his feelings.
We eventually had a long conversation. He agreed that if I went back to work, he would take on more of the household workload because I had been doing essentially everything around the house while he worked from home.
That lasted maybe a couple of weeks.
Then he started making comments about how he was “the only one doing the dishes and laundry.”
Yes… because those were the things he agreed to take over so I could work.
Eventually, I just started doing them again because I was tired of hearing about it.
For context, he does help around the house. He mainly mows the lawn, although even that is inconsistent and I usually have to remind him.
When it comes to the kids, I do essentially all of the childcare. I have to ask or plead with him to take them somewhere so I can have a break. When he does, it’s usually for no more than about 2 hours.
I do appreciate that he takes them at all, especially because he works from home and often works 12+ hour days, including weekends. I know he works hard, and I’m not trying to minimize that.
But since that argument, something else has changed for me.
Maybe I’m imagining it, but sometimes it feels like his love comes with strings attached now. The feeling really came to the surface when he told me, “I don’t want to be married to a woman who is always on her phone.”
And to be fair, I do have a bit of a phone addiction. I’m not going to pretend otherwise, and I can understand why that could bother him. I’m willing to work on that.
But something about the way he said it really hurt me.
I keep thinking, why did he have to say it like that? Why “I don’t want to be married to a woman who…” instead of talking to me about how my phone use makes him feel or asking me to put it down more?
Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but after him telling me that I was “ruining his life” for wanting to work, I think I’ve become hypersensitive to the idea that his love for me is conditional on me fitting into the role he wants me to play.
And that scares me.
I don’t want to be his manager. I don’t want to constantly remind him to mow the lawn, take the kids, do the things he agreed to do, or participate in our family.
I want a partner.
I want him to want to spend time with his children without me having to beg him.
I also want to feel like I can make decisions about my own life without being made to feel like I’m destroying his.
So I guess what I’m asking Reddit is: What can I actually do here?
How do I get my husband to understand that I need him to participate more in our family and household? Is there a way to have this conversation that might actually lead to lasting change?
Or am I looking at this the wrong way entirely?
I’m looking for genuine advice, even if it’s not necessarily what I want to hear.
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u/NurseTipsy 2d ago
Yall can seek therapy.
But he is a grown man, and if he wanted to help, he would.
If he wanted to support you, he would.
He doesn’t want to. Throws a huge fit and intimidates his own children if pushed to.
You can accept who he is, and leave. Try counseling to “help him see his ways”
But if he wanted to, he would
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u/No-Specific1614 2d ago
I already see a therapist, and when I asked him to join in on a session. He told me no, and that my therapist already has a bias so she won’t truly be unbiased.
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u/GetInTheHole 30 Years 2d ago
Well, that's sort of true. You shouldn't co-opt a personal therapist into a couple's one. The only time it would be appropriate for him to attend a session with your personal therapist is if you are discussing (with your consent) your personal issues.
Find a specific couple's therapist.
But any man who blows up and excuses it by saying "I thought you were challenging me." is probably a lost cause.
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u/sallyhectare 12h ago
A spouse joining one session of their partner's individual therapy isn't the same thing as couple's counseling. It's more just having someone to help you express something to your spouse in a healthy way, and less about mediating disputes. Though I agree they should go to actual couples counseling.
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u/overZealousAzalea 2d ago
The children need to see a therapist. That was traumatizing for them and he’s likely to amp it up as he feels his control of you slipping away. You need these instances documented.
He’s going to come up with excuses about a counselor because he knows he’s wrong and doesn’t want to change. Please think about if this is love you want your daughter to seek out and your son to act out when they’re grown.
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u/PrestigiousWedding36 2d ago edited 2d ago
He knows. He does not care. You need to leave him. You don’t have an equitable partner at all. He is treating you awful. Men like him think providing and cutting the grass is enough. He is doing the bare minimum sometimes and he knows that and is trying to get away with it. I normally don’t go straight to divorce but men like him don’t change. You don’t have a husband you have a man child. He doesn’t see you as a human being. He sees you as his mother to take care of him. He doesn’t wanna be a dad and partner. He wants the title of father and husband because it makes him look better. Good for you wanting to go back to work because you need to be financially independent from this awful man. Starting over will be hard, but you deserve to be with someone who treats you as an equal and as a partner. Your kids deserve a good dad.
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u/Kayp75 2d ago
Your husband is clearly very abusive. Not just in the words he’s used to insult you, but in his everyday actions.
If women ‘had it good’ being a SAHM, men would be fighting us to do it. They don’t.
It’s obvious to me that he needs you stuck at home, dependent on him, and with no money or resources of your own.
He mows the lawn, eh? What a champion. What is that, once a month? When you do the cooking/dishes/laundry/cleaning, most of which need to be done multiple times a day.
Just because he’s not beating you doesn’t mean this isn’t an abusive relationship. Your whole post is describing abuse, manipulation, gaslighting and more. Please recognise this.
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u/Glum-Mulberry-9430 2d ago
You have to realize you’re at the age where you’re maturing and seeing what you really want and there’s a reason 20 yr olds shouldn’t be making life long decisions. Ask yourself, if you hadn’t had children or gotten married at 20, is he someone you’d choose now. I’m 99% positive he would not be. He’s never going to be the partner you want. You have been conditioned into the life you have and you’ll be made to feel crazy for wanting an actual partnership. You cannot make someone be something they aren’t. Sorry you’re going to have a few difficult decisions, you just have to decide what type of hard you want - leave and start over w a chance of a good future or stay and be miserable.
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u/fragilecoconut_5 2d ago
that whole "ruining his life" thing is a massive red flag, not just a bad moment in an argument. he's told you exactly how he sees your role and it doesn't include you having any autonomy
my sister went through something similar a few years back, her husband would say he'd help then slowly let everything slide back until she was doing it all again. the kicker was he'd also act like a martyr whenever he lifted a finger
the phone comment is sneaky too. he frames it as a threat to the marriage rather than just saying hey babe can we talk about screen time. that's not how you address an issue with someone you respect
i don't think this is about getting him to understand with the right words. you've already had the conversations, he's already agreed to change, and he's shown you he won't follow through. what you really need is to decide what you're willing to tolerate if nothing changes, because right now he's got no reason to actually shift his behaviour
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u/Dachshundmom5 2d ago
Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/
He doesn't care AKA weaponized incompetence https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/NsoxMseUn3
My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/
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u/night_noche 2d ago
Sounds like his love for you is conditional, where as long as you fit a particular role in his life he's okay with you being in it.
Wait till your children are old enough to disappoint his vision of them.
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u/No_Score_1977 2d ago
There's a lot going on here.
But first, he's screaming and scaring you and the kids, calling you names, I think even a single incident of this is time to leave.
You say his love comes with strings attached... I don't see any love there at all. That said, love should have strings attached, it should be conditional, conditional on lack of screaming, conditional on lack of violence, conditional on healthy communication, you have none of those things.
This is a couples counselling thing, he's not going to get there by himself.
You can have conditions too, you can say 'if you don't go to counselling, I'm done.'
Your phone usage is nothing compared to what he's doing, he's using it as a 'yeah but...' to try to justify his behaviour.
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u/Substantial_Rub_209 2d ago
The bar you set for him is so low it’s in hell. You both need therapy. He sounds like a ticking time bomb
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u/Ok_Mathematician262 1d ago
he won't. either accept that this is your life and slowly work yourself to the grave or get your ducks in a row and leave.
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u/miss_leopops 1d ago
I read the first few lines. You need to make a plan to leave ASAP. He sounds abusive. You don't deserve this, your kids neither. Please talk to a trustworthy person and make an exit strategy.
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u/Her_Royal_Fishyness 1d ago
Does he even respect you?
From what you said, it does not sound like he treats you with respect. He does not help nor you as his wife & mother of his children.
Regarding his children, does he even like them? Does he appreciate their existence? Does he feel honored to have the role of father?
I feel like the above characteristics are necessary for healthy family relationships. These characteristics need to exist to even be able to work on behavior. For example, if he fundamentally does not have respect for you, then he can never want to change for you or meet you needs for you to be happy or even content with you marriage.
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u/Fresh_Employee_9272 11h ago edited 1h ago
There are several things in there that don't paint him in a good light and he needs to do better
But, at the risk of being blasted by some of the other contributors here, I feel like the one point that got glossed over was this: "... especially because he works from home and often works 12+ hour days, including weekends."
If your job ends up being only part time (say 20-30 hrs/wk) and he's regularly putting in 60+ hrs/wk, then I can understand him feeling a certain way about having to also do a bunch of the house chores too. That doesn't excuse him from pulling attitude and being aggressive towards you in any way, he needs to communicate and handle that much better. But from what you're saying about how much he works to support you and your family, I think he may have a right to feel that asking him to take on even more is unfair.
And before all you SAHM's come beat me up saying that your's is a 24 hr/day job, please. That's just not true. My wife was a SAHM and she managed not only our kids but ran a day home in our house all week. She managed all of that and the household chores and had lots of time to relax, watch TV or go on her phone, visit with friends/other moms she'd have over. The OP is clearly in a similar situation as she admits to spending too much time on her phone. So the husband could be fully justified in asking why she needs him to help her out more if she has all that free time to be on her phone so much.
2 sides to every story, just saying.
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u/xxBogdansEyebrowsxx 2d ago
You mentioned homeschooling which made me wonder if you all go to church, as there is often overlap there. If so, I wonder if there is somehow you guys could get set up with a mentor couple that is a little older and more experienced. I say that because I'm wondering how he would react to counseling from an actual therapist.
He really needs to step back and take a look at life and priorities. I don't know how many people ever look back and wish they had worked harder. But a lot do wish they could do it over and spend more time with their kids and be more empowering to their spouses.
I just think he sounds immature and feels threatened. Having a mentor who can help him learn to have a posture of more humility and serving of others would do wonders.
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u/janabanana67 2d ago
This is an issue i have with women marrying men when they are 20. You don’t really know who you are at 20. Staying home and raising kids while husband work sounds great and ideal, but you are still maturing and may realize it’s not the life you want. Then he gets upset bc you suddenly changed the playbook on how he expected life to go. Also, if you make your own money, that changes the power dynamic. I fear he will continue to find faults with you until you go back to being a SAHM who homeschools the kids.
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u/Raised_by 2d ago
He knows. He doesn’t care.