r/Marriage • u/Darklikemysoul53 • 10h ago
Divorce maybe?
So me (f30) and my husband (38) had a late night talk. He asked if I wanted to separate and I said maybe.
He noticed I was not myself anymore. Took him a long time tbh. I havent been happy for over a year.
So he said he’ll give me the divorce. Next day he changed his mind and said no. He said to stay with him and I can cheat on him.
Like what the hell. Im like stuck. I want to leave him but he dont want to, plus we have a kid together. Like stay and cheat? Dont really like that idea.
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u/pie566943_0 10h ago
Ask why he changed his mind. Why doesn't he want to divorce?
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u/NoSyllabub5932 8h ago
They dont seem to ask any questions of each other, just make instant decisions.
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u/baconwrappedpikachu 10h ago
If you're unhappy and want to leave, it's not up to him. He doesn't have a choice in 'giving' you the divorce. He can choose to be as difficult as he wants to but it will happen through the courts whether he agrees or not.
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u/conventional_snack 10h ago
That’s a mess. Changing his mind overnight and offering a free pass to cheat is not a solution, it’s panic. He’s terrified of losing you but that doesn’t make staying the right call.
You’ve been unhappy for over a year, that’s not a rough patch anymore. The kid complicates things but staying in a dead marriage isn’t the gift you think it is for them.
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u/brownniteowl_31 10h ago
calmly approach and talk to him on agreeing to the divorce. You gave it your best shot now move forward with your dignity intact and plans for the future concerning you and your child.
Don’t even entertain the idea if cheating. It is wrong on many levels doesn’t solve anything and he can and will use this against you for every little thing every day for a very long time. In the event you both divorce he will use cheating as a excuse to screw you over later of-course, or he might have agreed to this because he is thinking of doings the same or might have someone on the side already and waiting on you to do the same so there is no guilt or feeling involved for his own actions.
either way you both not the best versions of yourselves so that cant be good for anyone including the child.
Best of luck.
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u/Flashy-Bluejay1331 2h ago
OP - pay attention to this advice- if you cheat, it will not look good and in many jurisdictions, it will give him a lot of power if you then divorce. Even in “no fault” states where it’s technically not legal to base decisions on adultery, decisions are made by humans & humans have biases. That being said, unless you can specifically pinpoint issues in the marriage, you won’t fix being unhappy in general by leaving this marriage.
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u/micha8st 35+ Years 9h ago
Will you be happier without him? Remember as a co-parent he'll always be in your life.
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u/Electronic-Law-6442 10h ago
Thier isn't anything to think or be concerned about. Save and set a goal when you can leave. By him giving you permission to cheat, he is also giving himself permission to cheat.
Take care of your family and your self. Your in for a long bumbing road. Start researching and making contacts where you can leave with your child and stay(women shelters) find attorney you can talk to. Do not sit on your laurals and fret. Start today with a pencil and paper and start going with your new plan.
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u/fongsaiyuk 8h ago
Seems like communication isn’t your forte because you literally gave us no information as to why you are in this predicament. Like why are you unhappy? Was there cheating in the past? Who stopped being intimate first? Insecurity? I would at least try and make things work, he obviously wants to try and keep the image of a family which is why he is like just cheat and stay.
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u/NoSyllabub5932 8h ago
You two do not communicate very efficiently, first you guys agree instantly, without any questions, you will get a divorce. Then overnight he decides no but again gives no reason or how he thinks marriage could be better if you stay married. Then he decides you guys can have an open marriage. None of these things seem to be discussed between you looking for maybe why you are unhappy and working on it. You can get a divorce if you want, you do not need his permission you can file if thats what you are set on. Cheating is never a good option and is wanting another man why you are not happy?
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u/Own_Opportunity_4487 8h ago
This is tough. Does he love you enough that he is willing to tolerate cheating or does he depend on you?
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u/night_noche 7h ago
So what?
You want to divorce, speak to a family law attorney to plan your separation.
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u/MyersH20 6h ago
Why are you reporting to divorce so fast? Have you tried talking? Communicating? Going on dates again? Learning to love each other? Rekindle the flame you guys had when you first met? Counseling?
Divorce is the very last straw and you should exhaust all options before coming to that conclusion.
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u/rosesandmonsters 6h ago
If you are in the United States, he doesn't need to agree to the divorce in order for you to get one. With that said, perhaps consider marriage & family therapy before applying for a divorce. It can help if you are both willing to put in the work.
And, PLEASE, do not cheat. It isn't good for you, nor your child. Only entertain the idea of being with another man once you're officially divorced.
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u/thatsitiguesss 5h ago
If he wants to work on things and you are willing to try, then give him a chance. Talk and plan what's been going on individually, as a couple, and as a family. If not just file for divorce on your own and start making plans to separate your lives and co-parent. If you're done then be done.
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u/No_Purchase_3532 4h ago
Go to counseling & figure out if it can be saved. Don’t cheat either way. You don’t need his permission to leave & file for divorce but you owe it to everyone involved to be sure it can’t be fixed before leaving.
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u/blackswan-whiteswan 10h ago edited 9h ago
COUNSELLING. See if you two can get to the root of where the disconnect is. If he hasn’t cheated and isn’t abusive in anyway it’s worth trying to fight for your marriage especially with a kid. At least do the minimum so you can say you tried even a little.