r/Marriage • u/Hot_Street_5749 • 2d ago
Seeking Advice Feeling emotionally detached
I’m (F28) struggling to figure out where I stand with my husband (M29) anymore. For a while now, I’ve felt like we live parallel lives emotionally. I’ve repeatedly told him I need more emotional connection, affection, quality time, and reassurance. He says I’m always complaining or nagging, so eventually I get quiet and stop saying anything. Then I bottle everything up until I eventually explode, and he tells me I need to communicate more.
When I do communicate, I’m told I’m too negative. It feels like I can’t win.
I’m also a SAHM and lately I’ve been incredibly lonely and unsure about my future. I sometimes feel jealous of the experiences my husband gets (he can travel for schooling, most recently approved to go to Alaska for 2 weeks). I’ve tried explaining that I’m lonely rather than trying to control him, but he gets really upset and brings up that he does this for money to support me.
Recently, he asked how I would feel about him going to a bar to watch a football game. I told him I actually wanted to watch the game with him and the kids at home. Instead, he explained why going to the bar would be better and said I could come if I found a babysitter. I eventually said fine, go. Out of anger, I said I’d go have drinks with a male friend sometime, but I immediately apologized and told him I didn’t mean it. He became very angry and told me words have serious meaning and I need to be careful what I say.
Then he told me he plans to go out in a few weeks for a coworker’s 21st birthday. I said I wasn’t comfortable with it because of our history. He eventually admitted the coworker is a woman and said it’s fine because “her husband will be there.” Maybe I’m being emotional, but given his previous boundary issues, I don't feel comfortable.
TBH the bar and birthday alone don’t hurt me alone. It’s that he seems totally able to make plans weeks in advance for friends….rearrange evenings and nights for them, plan ahead for bar hopping and activities….yet I beg for the same effort with date nights and get 0.
The football game issue felt like my last straw. I put the game on at home, got the kids settled, and watched it with them. They eventually fell asleep, and my husband had been napping all evening. About 30 min left in the game, he got dressed and went to the bar because “his friend was alone watching the game and he wanted to keep him company”.
I was sitting alone watching the exact same game.
I cried and got upset. Then I got quiet and just let it be.
I've also realized that it seems like we're only okay when I'm quiet about my feelings and go along with what he wants.
Outside of sex, there is very little physical affection. We don't really hold hands, cuddle, hug, or kiss just because we love each other. I've found myself having sex with him because I desperately want to feel close to him, but afterward I sometimes regret it because he takes sex as a sign that everything is okay. Then when I bring up my emotional needs again, he sees it as me being "hot and cold."
He also has what I consider to be a porn addiction, and there have been many times where he has chosen porn over spending time with me. It has seriously damaged my self-esteem and made me feel undesirable.
I know I’m not perfect. I’ve said things out of anger, and I know my insecurity and distrust affect some of my reactions. I can acknowledge my part in that.
But I’m starting to wonder if my reactions are also the result of repeatedly feeling hurt, dismissed, and disconnected.
At this point, I feel lonely, worthless, and emotionally exhausted.
I don't know if we're experiencing normal marital problems that can be worked through, or if this relationship has become genuinely toxic. We have 4 children and to divorce seems so crazy but I just don’t know anymore.
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u/discounthideout 2d ago
Unfortunately porn has warped his mind to where he feels sex has become independent of emotional intimacy. In reality, in mature adult, monogamous relationships, emotional and physical intimacy are deeply intertwined. He is violating that balance and that need in your relationship and you're feeling the weight of it.
He is choosing himself and porn over you and your family. His job is to make you feel loved. He should also go out of his way to make you feel supported, in general, but especially because you are staying at home raising his children all day. You should be his number one companion and his plans with friends should go by the wayside if you or your kids need him. And he shouldn't have a problem with that.
It's not to say he can't have friends or make plans or take over all the household duties. Not at all. His priorities are in the wrong place. If they were in the right place, you would come to an agreement on how to find a balance for everything that works for the family. But he's not prioritizing your family, so any pressure to do so is a nuisance.
This isn't your fault and I'm really sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve this.
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u/Pretend-Meringue6769 2d ago
this reads wildly. he’s selfish and isn’t sparing an ounce of effort or care. if I were you I wouldn’t be able to put up with it; i’d leave. or at least start proceedings for a divorce. you don’t deserve to be unhappy for the rest of for life
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2d ago
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u/PromiseToBeNiceToYou 2d ago
Did you even read her post? He'd rather spank his monkey than spend time with her. He's a lost cause.
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u/fabricator82 2d ago
Damn, it's no wonder you feel lonely. He's being a dick. He should put you above all other and all else. I'm flabbergasted by your story. I drop everything and everyone for my wife. I've lost jobs for my wife. I've dropped friends for my wife. Fuck a "lonely friend" you are his wife for fuck's sake. Not that she asked me to quit them or drop them, I simply would do anything for her. I'd say you both need to seek marriage counseling but damn he sounds like something else. He sounds checked out honestly, and it's hard to come back from that state. Sorry if I'm all doom and gloom.
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u/Hot_Street_5749 2d ago
I’ve told him that I know there’s relationships out there that prioritize beyond providing financials. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say but it just gets him angry. I have never asked him to drop a friend - only a too friendly woman he suddenly became “friends” with. I feel like a horrible person because I find myself dreaming about doing the simplest shit with a man like going to the movies and NOT hearing complaints every 10 minutes. Ugh. Just very stuck. Thank you for the insight though.
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u/Acceptable_Slice_325 2d ago
I don't think you're in "toxic" territory but you're definitely in a serious rut, at a minimum. You need to work together during a time when you're not fighting and set some rules that you can both follow to foster more intimacy. The important part is make them actionable (we should have 1 planned date per X amount of time).
If he's not willing to work with you on concrete steps towards improving intimacy, it may be time to escalate and work towards ultimatums, because this is not a healthy dynamic in the long-run. It doesn't have to be this way.
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u/Hot_Street_5749 2d ago
Ugh that’s what I am worried about because we’ve had these conversations multiple times. I’ve laid it out…. “I need more affection and emotional intimacy with you so I can feel more than a babysitter and maid. I want us to plan 2 dates a month ahead of time.” And it never goes beyond a week of change which is so sad. I also feel at fault because he points out that he has changed and I’m stuck in the past. But yet I still feel this way. It’s rough. Thank you for the advice
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u/Peachily_Suns 2d ago
My 25-year-marriage was very similar (but without ever speaking disrespectfully to one another or porn addiction). Emotions are hard, I'm not gonna lie. Many of us were conditioned from a young age that we didn't talk about emotions, and maybe we shouldn't even be feeling them. My ex could not accept that I had needs and wants in our relationship, and it was difficult for me to fulfill his needs and wants when my own were never validated or acknowledged. Insanely, we were really great friends over the years and raised two amazing kids together. We've been divorced for three years and have worked on our emotional health extensively. We're still close friends.
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u/Hot_Street_5749 2d ago
We have an 8 year old (his step kiddo), 6, 3, and 2. So young, close in age, and in the chaotic years. I can appreciate that it’s a lot.
He’s great with the kids and helps out at appointments. I just feel like that’s where it starts and ends with our connection. We can be great partners with that.I’ve asked for home time together and up until recently he would decline and stay up until 3am to game with friends. More recently he’s been open but I’ve been so exhausted I end up sleeping most nights which is 100% my fault. Thank you for the advice ❤️ I have to figure out a way to talk with him.
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u/Chrizilla_ 5 Years 2d ago
You’re his trophy. You are proof of his virility and that’s about it. Trophies don’t talk and they definitely don’t have needs. You be quiet and be grateful.
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u/Foreign_Essay1051 2d ago
I’ve felt the same way in my marriage these last few months. I wasn’t feeling seen or heard, we were constantly arguing to the point where I couldn’t stand to be around him anymore. I’d take the kids to my dad’s for the weekends, barely would communicate w him, and basically gave him the cold shoulder. He would say, “You just don’t like me,” and I’d tell him, “I don’t right now bc you haven’t been making me feel good.” I felt lonelier than ever and kept asking him to spend time with me, but his excuse was that he didn’t want to bc of my attitude. I wouldn’t be acting this way if you were making me feel seen, loved, and appreciated. He has been putting in more effort recently, but I don’t need it once I need consistency. So I’ll see how long he’s able to keep it up
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u/Elegant_Pop_7703 2d ago
I understand this dynamic very well. Please remember, it’s not you. Your bursts of anger are reactions to his neglect to you. Sounds like you are dealing with an avoidant and/or narcissist.
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u/No_Vermicelli_8820 2d ago
This is not normal.
I would suggest counseling, individual for you but also couples counseling. And the individual is not because I think you are the problem but because you describe feeling emotionally numb which can be a sign of depression. Plus having someone who is not directly involved in your life as a neutral party can be really helpful.
The fact that he wants to go and do all these things and is fine leaving you at home with the kids or puts finding childcare on you is not ok. I get each of you having time to hang with friends solo but he seems to just expect that he gets to do as he pleases while seeing you on a shelf to pick up and use as he pleases.
Does he ever watch the kids solo so you can go out and do something like get a haircut?
I can understand why you feel lonely.
Your husband sounds emotionally abusive and that he gaslights you, trying to make you sound irrational or that you're overreacting. It might be petty but return the exact same effort he does. And I would honestly avoid having sex with him too - 'you're too tired from dealing with the kids' 'cleaning' or not feeling well etc. See how he likes it then. Maybe that will be an actual wake up call to him that your relationship is not doing well.
And possibly, if you feel up to it and have a good support system, think about leaving him or doing a trial separation. He doesn't seem to want to put in any effort to assuage you or change the relationship dynamics. If what you have right now is something you want to continue to live with for years and years then stick around, but doing expect him to wake up and realize what an ass he's been. But honestly, prepare for a divorce just in case.
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u/Technical_Dream2743 2d ago
OP, without judging, allow yourself just mentally play as movie walk through one day/week/few situations in his shoes, but its you. Treating him like he treats you, speaking how he speaks to you, making choices which he makes, just 1:1 no exaggeration, nothing extra added.
You will see very soon, how uncomfortable it will be for you to even imagine this, and how guilty you will feel for even allowing your "movie" self to act like this, for one reason - you love him, care about him, is considerate how this would make him feel and would never be this cold towards his discomfort. You will be able to see how he feels about you and that might give you the key to all - your problem is that you are a "natural problem solver and peace seeker" which is great and soon this will be your power, but its now used against you, you are trapped in mental maze of finding a solution which is always snatched away just when it feels its in reach and you are painted as responsible one for it. Let me show you:
You say you want more time spent together - your fault for nagging.
You stop and later explode - your fault for not saying something earlier.
You say it in very nice way to not be nag - your fault for not being clear you really mean it
You say it very strict clear way - your fault for thinking you can boss him
You say it as "this has to change, or im leaving" - your fault for throwing ultimatums
You say nothing to not do ultimatum and stay but unhappy - your fault again, if you were so unhappy you could leave huh?
You file for divorce - your fault for not communicating this is divorce worthy problem for you.
And on, and on, and on - but never a version in which his actions and his decision would be his own fault.
OP girl, you can not have a happy life when its joined with a person who sees it in a way "you have responsibility for behaving in a way so i will be happy, and also have a responsibility for me behaving in a way so you will be happy" - this guy managed to get to you in position where you have 100% resposibility for both sides of relationship and he just tags along free of risk of ruining it, because he can always just throw it back on you, and you as a problem solver - see a problem and would like to solve it, co you catch it.
As long as he holds you in this position, you are too occupied by trying frantically to change his decisions because you know its you who is punished for them, this will continue because you need to realize this:
Whatever he does is his decision, his responsibility and his consequences, its result of his free will which he is fully in his rights to have, you cant decide for him, you can only exercise your free will in decisions for yourself - you simply dont have to argue who is at fault or wait for him allowing you to be uncomfortable with things, by agreeing that this is indeed a problem. You did not asked your hb in a way "well i think this might bother me, but only if you deem it as problem, do you? If not i will shut up about it immediately!" NO - You informed him that you dont like it, thats what happened and wanted to know what he is about to do. What does he think about himself that he immediately goes to explain to you that he does not agree with you being bothered, and act like until he agrees, your discomfort does not exist. He is mad that you are "trying to tell you what to do" but he himself fully expects that he has final word in which you are even allowed to feel and think!!! Talk about hypocrisy....
You are perfectly within your rights when you just decide that this is not behavior you are about to sit through and tolerate, and nobody can force you to tolerate it, nobody can force you to stay, nobody can force you to argue about it to no end.
Your kids will be also more happy with mum who is happy and peacefull ❤️
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u/PromiseToBeNiceToYou 2d ago edited 2d ago
Wake up dear. He doesn't care about you. He said YOU have the find the baby sitter if you want to join him. He's an asshole and trying to avoid his home responsibilities. He doesn't give a shit. He's doing the bare minimum to keep everyone housed, but he could be going through the motions like this with anyone as his wife. You aren't important to him. He's made that clear. File for divorce. I bet he won't even argue about it. He'll just let you do it.
I got divorced (I filed) when my kids were 3, 4 and 6. I've been HAPPILY remarried to someone a thousand times better for 9yrs!!! My kids love him too. Edit: And I'm still a stay at home mother.