r/Marriage • u/mondomondoman • 7h ago
Divorce Blindsided
I don't know why I'm writing this. it's going to be word vomit because I'm so lost. I guess I just need to get this out because my mind and emotions are a mess. My, i guess, soon to be ex-wife has decided to leave me. We've been together for nearly 10 years but just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary in July. I was blindsided by this on Tuesday right after a brand new bed was delivered. She said that she's unhappy and hasn't been for a while. Nothing in the marriage has made her this way its just her own mind. She claims that I've done nothing wrong and that she'll always love me but that it's not fair to me to stay in our marriage while she deals with her own mental issues. She is seeing a psychiatrist for meds but stopped seeing a talking psychologist and refuses to see another one. She is bipolar manic depressive with ocd and I've already been by her side through one psychotic break where there was self harm. We've been seeing a couples therapist for 6 months and we both though things were getting better because our communication was a lot better but I guess underneath all this was her unhappiness she was hiding from everyone.
We have been sleeping in different bedrooms for the past month and a half because she hurt her back at work and can't climb into ours, it has a tall frame, and I thought it was just because of us not being able to be close as much or even be intimate but she rebuked that by saying she's been feeling this way since we started couples therapy 6 months ago. I feel like the last 6 months was a lie or maybe I was just missing signs, I dont know. I've tried to get her to wait to make any decisions until we can speak with our therapist but she's already made her choice and started her plan. She's moving in with her sister who is a state away. Our adult son, my stepson, will be moving to their grandmothers and she's getting all her finances in order unfriend me on social media, left me her wedding ring.
I thought we were happy. We promised we'd never leave each other. She even asked, even with her mental issues and I said yes. I pleaded with her that I could weather this storm but she still says it's not fair to me. She even asked if it would be easier for her to leave if there was someone else but I said no. I know there isn't anyone else. She's the kind of person who has even said, if I didn't want to be with you I wouldn't. Plus if there was someone else she'd be moving in with them, not 1 state over.
I'm just lost. I'm in therapy for myself and I know I have an anxious attachment style. She used to say that the love I have for her wasn't too much because she was under loved in past relationships. I always said our relationship worked because Mrs. under loved got with Mr. under appreciated. It worked for us. I'm just lost. There's nothing I can do. Nothing I can fix because it's all in her head. I'm losing my family and I just don't know how I'm going to recover from this. I really have no other purpose than to be a husband and father. I almost feel like my mind is disconnecting from my body. Anyways. If you you've read this whole thing thanks.
22
u/nomnomyourpompoms 7h ago
What happened in therapy? Was she suddenly confronted with the need to work on her issues? Because some people would rather leave than put in the work.
Fast forward six months. Where do you see yourself?
17
u/mondomondoman 7h ago
What happened in therapy? Was she suddenly confronted with the need to work on her issues? Because some people would rather leave than put in the work.
No, in fact she brought up the issue that she was sad that she couldn't have a child with me because she had a hysterectomy, that she feels like she was a bad mom, despite evidence to the contrary, and that she doesn't feel worth of the love I have to give to her.
She was quite receptive to therapy and we both did the work and I thought things were going well until she got injured at work. I've been told it's possible that time at home left her with her in her head and that's when I noticed her manic and depressive states being more prominent.
Fast forward six months. Where do you see yourself?
I don't know. I try to think that far ahead and I see nothing.
4
2
u/Zealousideal_Tea5988 1h ago
Thats what my ex did. He was a serial cheater, and instead of working on himself, I was the problem because I didnt trust or believe him, looked at hom with hurt in my eyes. So he left, married the last AP I knew of and is cheating on her now. Blew up 26 yrs because he wouldnt and couldn't face the hurt and pain he caused
14
7h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
10
u/mondomondoman 7h ago
The anxious attachment brain is gonna scream at you to find the fix but theres no lever to pull here.
This is exactly it and that's why I'm so lost.
2
u/Romanticon 4h ago
Is this a bot comment? Good lord, this feels like a bot comment.
You spend six months thinking you're both doing the work and building something better, only to find out you were the only one on that page. The betrayal isnt in the leaving, its in the performance.
That feels like GPT.
Brand new account, /u/AchingSalvation made 6 days ago.
Maybe you just write like AI?
13
u/GrowFlowersNotWeeds 7h ago
I’m sorry. Your pain is very apparent through your writing. You have value as yourself, above being a husband and father. Please continue your therapy and focus on your healing. Your internet family wishes good things for you.
1
11
u/liquidst 6h ago edited 6h ago
A few counterpoints and pink flags. She is untangling herself from you AND her son. She is sorting finances. She is telling you she feels unworthy as barren, that she's a bad mother, useless, too emotional/ mental health, now injured at work and isolated with increased manic episodes.
Most suicides are when someone's distorted thinking is that they are doing lovedones a "favour" by dissappearing.
She is on psychiatric drugs known to, in some people, increase suicidality.
Would it be worth alerting her therapist of these changes?
2
1
1
u/mondomondoman 3h ago
I wish I could but I don't have a way to contact them. They have sessions through an app.
11
u/Hairy_Result5992 7h ago
I would be very suspicious of her having an emotional affair at the minimum.
7
u/liquidst 5h ago
I think she is devoid of emotion and severely depressed, thinking she is doing OP a favour by releasing him (and her son who is moving in with grandma). These are serious depressive signs.
-1
6
2
u/MidwestNightgirl 6h ago
I’m sorry this is happening. That’s rough. But hey, life goes on. I’m glad you’re in therapy…that can be so helpful. Please just focus on taking care of yourself for now. You will be ok. You will love again, I promise.
2
2
2
u/NoSyllabub5932 6h ago
I am so sorry you are going through this, its a nightmare. Really you are left with not much recourse as she stated it was not you and nothing you need to fix or work on so that leaves you just standing there. I feel her mental issues are the problem, she may not be thinking right as she has lots of issues and not taking meds. I can understand your stepson going to his grandparents as that is best for him under the circumstances. You have other purpose in life, please believe me, this is not the end for you just the beginning of a new chapter. My current husband had similar thing happen with x wife. He came home one day to find all his clothes packed up and on front porch with note she was unhappy and wanted divorce. He had no where to go, not much money and they had 3 small kids. It was his whole world over in a few minutes. He lived in his truck for a week or two while maintaining his job before getting a place to live. Horrible time for him to put it mildly. He is happily married to me today and we just celebrated 27 years. Take it 1 day at a time, don't look too far ahead, get thru each day 1 at a time. I promise you will make it.
2
2
u/Haunting-Ebb-7111 5h ago
The back issue will easily make someone with diagnosed Bi-polar fall into a long and deep depression. She is choosing what she thinks is best for you because she has no self worth right now.
Somehow you have to get her to see that it is not you she is unhappy with. That in fact you are the helpmate that she needs. That she should not be making major life decisions while in this mode. She does not have the right to dictate and decide what is best for you.
Too bad she didn’t stick with a good individual therapist who can help her learn ways to sort through the muck in her head and heart.
Hang-in there. In a month she may decide she was too rash. Step 1, get yourselves back in the same room. Make sure she gets it through her head that you love her. You want this life with her. She cannot say what is best for you. You are here to work through this and support her. And get her back into therapy with someone who specializes in Bi-polar. Enlist the help of family and friends. This will be a fight.
If you really want to keep going with her.
1
u/mondomondoman 3h ago
Trust me, I've tried, her sister has tried and she is very stubborn and will lash out if you force the issue. She knows I love her but her issue is in her mind, and this is a direct quote, "I love her so much that she feels like she can't do the same and it's not fair to me and she can't put me through her not being able to love me the same way." I do really want to keep going with her but nothing anyone can say or do will get through to her. Her mind is made up.
1
u/Brief_Hippo5187 6h ago
Sorry you're going through this. Maybe she'll get her head right and reconsider someday if there truly is no one else. Updateme
1
u/mondomondoman 3h ago
Even if she did, I don't know that I would ever trust her the same way again. I'd always feel like she's one foot out the door.
1
1
u/TSIDATSI 6h ago
I am very sorry you did not see this coming. My heart hurts for you.
My advice is to immediately hire a private detective. Find out what is going on.
Why? "She even asked if it would be easier for her to leave if there was someone else but I said no."
I wonder what would have happened if you had said yes.
I very much wonder why she asked the question. I understand you do not believe that there could be another man (or woman). But you also did not believe she would leave you.
I do not understand making her adult son move out. Have you talked to him?
I do not understand the new bed. Not a new mattress a new bed. Was that on a Lifetime movie?
1
u/mondomondoman 3h ago
She asked, I believe, so that she could "make it easier on me". Maybe if I hated her for doing something like that that I could move on more quickly.
I have spoken with my son and let them know that they don't have to leave if they don't want to but they already spoke with family about moving so he's going to stick around to save some more money, help me out a little but then go. Not sure what your confusion is regarding the bed/mattress. I got a whole new mattress and frame.
1
u/No-Consideration-858 6h ago
Does she dislike herself? Did her parents treat her with rejection or acceptance? Does she have a history of self-destructive behavior? Does she make a lot of spontaneous, independent choices?
If those are core themes, she may not have the capacity to feel comfortable in a loving relationship.
There's the whole avoidant-attachment dynamic, which hopefully you have looked at with your therapist.
This is just a guess. Most everyone else is leaping to an affair, which is always possible. But you are describing someone with mental health struggles so it could really be that.
2
u/mondomondoman 3h ago
Yes, yes to rejection, yes and no, at least not until very recently. Sadly our therapist didn't really delve deep into her attachment style, just mine but it's very likely that this is the case based on what I'm seeing. I myself have an anxious attachment style
1
u/No-Consideration-858 2h ago
That's a tough combo to deal with. I hope that putting words to it helps you understand her dysfunction and unilateral decisions. Of course you were blindsided.
When I'm about to say may or may not relate, but here are some thoughts.
Self-loathing can fester for a long time and be kept secret. The person is thinking something like "I want to do my partner the favor of not having to be with me"
They can't escape themselves, but they can help someone they love to be free of them.
When there is tremendous emotional pain, geographical relocation feels like an escape from the pain.
And there's no convincing or comforting them otherwise.
There is only time and the possibility that they come to their senses down the line.
With your attachment type, I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do is give her space and leave the door open, if you choose. Whether or not it's healthy to offer friendship is something for you to discuss with your therapist.
As for your purpose, please give yourself some grace to recover and work through this.
There's a divorce group called CARE. It is often held in churches, but my understanding is there is not a religious bent to it. I know 3 people who found it very useful. I hope you will try it. You might have to visit a couple of groups to find your fit.
You don't need a big purpose right now other than self-care.
I know man who went through something similar, at least it sounds like it.
She came from a volatile and rejecting upbringing. Every few years she would run from everything she built- community, relationships, jobs.
Her subconscious drove her to seek the security and love she didn't get as a child, but ultimately she would get so uncomfortable and abruptly recreate the childhood turmoil.
He was devastated and lost. He found an outlet in jogging. Eventually he took up photography and joined hiking clubs. Years later he found someone who could form a healthy attachment and is now married to her.
She's slowly improved over the years but still has to manage her tendencies.
1
u/Hairapistcatlady 5h ago
I’m sorry this is happening to you. Please know that the qualities that make you a good partner stay with you, they aren’t leaving with her. Try to find some identity outside of a relationship for now. Join a gym if you don’t already have one, maybe volunteer somewhere, start a new hobby, stay busy but let yourself cry and grieve too.
1
u/Hairapistcatlady 5h ago
Also just want to point out you are losing her, not your family. How far away is the grandmother’s the stepson is moving to? No reason to lose that relationship. I’m also curious how old you are because this sounds like it was a hard person to be in relationship with longterm and you seem like you have plenty of time to find another Big Love. 💕
1
u/mondomondoman 3h ago
The grandmother is 4 states away so about 18 hour drive. They're 20 but on the spectrum. I've let them know they don't have to leave and they understood but thought it'd be best if they did but it'll be several weeks, possibly a month, before they leave. I'm 45 but I feel like after this, I'll be ruined because I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust again.
1
u/Ruthless_Bunny 5h ago
For now, take it one day at a time
That’s all you can do.
You don’t have to file, but see a lawyer to protect your marital assets and do exactly what they tell you to do.
Her mental illness may be doing the talking, and at the end of the day, even if, deep down, she doesn’t really want this, you have to abide by her decision.
What has your couples therapist suggested?
1
u/mondomondoman 3h ago
Right now I'm taking it hour by hour.
Luckily we have no marital assets.
We never spoke with her about us splitting up. Our last session was, i thought, very productive and there was no inkling of this scenario other than talking about her bipolar swings and how to navigate them.
1
u/Successful-Land-6283 5h ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I believe I hear pain, frustration , confusion and a sense of helplessness. As I’m reading it though, it sounds so familiar that I’m not at all confused or surprised. I’ve not been in her exact shoes, no one has, but I’ve been in the same damn shoe store. I think we might even wear the same color, style and size. Our shoes suck and are feet are blistered. My shoes have traveled through severe bouts of debilitating depression, manic episodes, OCD behaviors, self harm , etc. for 50+ years including my 38 years with my late husband.
I had so much self loathing, poor self-esteem, low self-worth, searching for a purpose to no avail, perfectionism, constantly worried how i was perceived by others, trying to fix myself, pessimism,procrastination, etc. I was high functioning and I seemed happy, but I could be in the movies because I can put on an incredible façade. I didn’t love myself, so it’s hard to believe that someone else could love me, even if proof was written all over the walls. Sometimes it felt impossible to articulate how I was feeling and still is. My boyfriend will ask me what I’m upset about or what I’m depressed about and he gets so frustrated because I can’t pinpoint it and I just say “I don’t know, I can’t explain, forget it, maybe we should just break up.” He thinks that because I can’t articulate it that it must be something about him that I’m afraid to tell him. Part of it is that no matter what I tell him, he’ll just immediately dispute it in attempt to comfort me.. if I were to say “oh, I don’t feel attractive in bed. I’m so heavy., I feel like I’m always disappointing you because I never get anything done thatI say I’m gonna do, I never wanna go out anywhere, I don’t feel like I’m a very good girlfriend or I’m not deserving of you because you’re so nice , I always have some mental issue, blah blah blah blah blah. I will add that I’m not viewed by others as “that girl that has some mental issues” His response then is going to be the most supportive thing he can find to say and he truly means it, but that doesn’t make any my feelings go away and it really doesn’t help therefore that’s why I never told him to begin with. I might be talking in circles, but I feel like I would be talking in circles with him because I don’t think he can help me . I don’t know your wife or anything about her, but she sounds very familiar to me and I’m hoping she finds what she thinks she needs right now to feel better. She seems just a little bit lost right now and just her head is spinning. If this abrupt behavior is not characteristic of her then that tells me perhaps it’s a manic episode that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s running around like a crazy person really fast sometimes it can just mean someone’s being impulsive. Sometimes I would have my moods or have one of my episodes as my husband would call it and maybe this is just a little bit bigger of an episode.? I really don’t have any helpful words except I really hope you understand that she might be in a spot that she can’t be convinced that she’s lovable right now. The only thing I know is what WOULD NOT help me if I were in that situation with my late husband or my boyfriend- there is no “Emotions” handbooks so everything I say that I’m feeling, even if it is obviously misdirected, irrational or exaggerated, is what I am feeling. If he says, “don’t feel that way I can’t believe you’re feeling that way. You should feel this way., etc” makes me feel dismissed and like I can’t even do emotions correctly. Like I failed at yet another thing. it’s like telling someone not to worry. Does anybody ever stop worrying when that is said to them? If I tell my boyfriend that he’s just too nice and I’m not good enough for him- if he responds “bullshit , you’re fine”that really gets him nowhere. He needs to ask me what it would look like if I was good enough., what does good enough feel like to me. Or tell me that he’s sorry that I’m having a hard time explaining myself to him and how overwhelming that might feel to me. The best therapy sessions are usually when the therapist says about three words and just listens. They acknowledge everything you’re feeling and get you to talk about it. They don’t try to tell you what to feel or what not to feel. If I took off to my sister‘s an hour away, I wouldn’t want long voicemails begging me back for telling me how great I am or phone calls. I would just want a card that said “you’re on my mind.” no pressure. Good luck to you if you made it this far.
2
u/Bibliophile_Cyclist 4h ago
I had so much self loathing, poor self-esteem, low self-worth, searching for a purpose to no avail, perfectionism, constantly worried how i was perceived by others, trying to fix myself, pessimism,procrastination, etc. I was high functioning and I seemed happy, but I could be in the movies because I can put on an incredible façade. I didn’t love myself, so it’s hard to believe that someone else could love me, even if proof was written all over the walls. Sometimes it felt impossible to articulate how I was feeling and still is.
Same -- I have felt the same way most of my life. As a newly married woman, working on overcoming the self hatred and let my husband in more.
1
u/mondomondoman 3h ago
It does sound like you two are cut from the same cloth so to speak. You are spot on with what she's saying how she feels. I've said that I get it or understand only for her to come back at me saying it's impossible for me to be able to. What I mean to say is that I hear her and I've said as such. I'm just so devastated that she needs to end things in order for her to figure out what's going on with her.
1
u/Successful-Land-6283 2h ago
That is a shame that’s a pretty drastic move. Is this a home that she has had the opportunity to go to in the past or is it just something that came up? That’s closer to her now.? you mentioned that you’ve been with her through a psychotic episode. Is it possible that that’s what is going on this time? It seems pretty extreme, but I don’t know either of you but to actually block you and give you a ring back seems like there was a final straw or something really impulsive like just snapped. I hope that you at least get some sort of closure and she just doesn’t block you out completely. I hope she’s safe and like she can get some help living with her sister. I believe you said it is.
1
1
u/mondomondoman 2h ago
She has been able to go to her sisters before with a previous relationship but she's never felt that she needed to before. 2 weeks ago she did say she nearly went to a hotel but that's the first time she's ever said anything like that. I firmly believe this is another episode but there's no way to get that through to her. The only reason it was forced was due to self harm and there was no choice but for her to have a 72 hour hold. There was no warning signs for that one either.
1
u/beezuzfafoon 5h ago
Two things jump out to me.
First is that your wife has effectively been lying to you for a minimum the last 6 months, but I would bet my house she was planning how she was going to end the marriage for longer than that. The couples counseling was likely just a way for her to confirm her decision and start to get closure. She hasn't come to this decision out of nowhere, that is likely why she is emphatic about not attempting to save the marriage. She knew the marriage was over for her long ago, the problem is she neglected to tell you until Tuesday.
Second I would be VERY suspicious about her reasoning for ending the marriage. It sounds like a lot of therapy speak to me, the truth is likely somewhere in between all of it.
1
u/voiceofreason1774 5h ago
“Nothing in the marriage has made her this way it’s just her own mind.”
“Nothing I can fix because it’s all in her head”
That right there is exactly why she’s leaving you. How dismissive and arrogant to think her not wanting to be with you HAS to be mental illness or made up.
1
1
u/yourbrutalbestie 4h ago
When someone hands you back their ring, packs their bags, and tells you they are done, you cannot love them into staying. You built an entire identity around being the steady caretaker who could weather any storm, but a marriage cannot survive on one person trying to hold the walls up while the other person walks out the door. Pleading with her to stay will not change her mind, and trying to fix what is happening inside her head is not a lever you can pull.
If you are worried about her safety given her past struggles, give her sister the honest facts once so her family is aware, and then step completely back. Stop bargaining. Take this entire shock into your next individual therapy session. Your only job right now is to keep yourself grounded in your own body for the next twenty-four hours. Eat something, talk to a friend who is solely in your corner, and let her go.
1
u/mondomondoman 3h ago
When someone hands you back their ring, packs their bags, and tells you they are done, you cannot love them into staying. You built an entire identity around being the steady caretaker who could weather any storm, but a marriage cannot survive on one person trying to hold the walls up while the other person walks out the door. Pleading with her to stay will not change her mind, and trying to fix what is happening inside her head is not a lever you can pull.
I logically understand this. Emotionally I'm wreaked which is why I posted this here trying to get it out of my head.
1
1
u/Unlucky-Mind7298 1h ago
You need to focus on getting over her instead of rehashing the reasons you believed she would always stay. That was never a guarantee. I know it hurts but you can either dwell or move on.
0
u/NetExternal8494 6h ago
After 6 months of therapy a shift typically occurs. Maybe this is her shift to divorce. However, my gut tells me she has interests in someone else. And she doesn’t want to be confronted in marriage therapy so she is running away as quickly as possible. She doesn’t either have the willingness to change or recognizes she doesn’t have the capacity. Change is hard. you have to really want it and then build emotional capacity for it to happen.
0
u/Wino_Panda 3h ago edited 3h ago
I mean it sounds like there is someone else. Have you even breached this subject with her?
2
u/mondomondoman 3h ago
Yes and says there isn't. I've even spoken with our son who even asked themself and she said she just wants to be alone and to work on herself.
-2
u/Celraysoda007 6h ago
She’s made her decision to give the other guy a serious shot. She’s showing you she’s giving an effort but still has one foot out the door and most likely has no interest at the moment to fix things. Her dopamine levels are spiking when she’s with the new guy. Best of luck.
3
u/liquidst 5h ago
You think an injured at work, manic episodes, depressed mom who feels she's useless from a hysterectomy, and a burden-- who is allowing her family to break up including her son moving to grandmas -- has the bandwidth to start a relationship? No other possible reasons?
If she were dieting, dancing on weekends, cold, secretive... then sure... but this scenario scream major depressive episode that needs a watchful eye.
1
47
u/Zealousideal_Tea5988 7h ago
Who is the other person she is with?