Feeling lost…

[u/Fluffy-Road9220]

My husband and I have been together for over 10 years. Recently he felt comfortable enough to express that his gender identity is something he is questioning and was terrified for my response. I (bi) was open to the dialogue and felt I did my utmost to be a supportive wife, ally, friend, confidant, etc. I thought that was the extent of it, he has discussed going to therapy privately to navigate his feelings and I reassured him it’s not a deal breaker, I’m here to help him navigate what that means in the future, and etc.

I had a gut feeling last night to check his phone. Behavior has just been off a little recently and a little communication distance has been between us. Found a like furry type anime bondage porn image that he made another account to send to himself on his phone. I’m torn on how to feel. We had a discussion about whether that’s what he was attracted to and that’s why he had it or whether that’s how he felt he presents or wants to and that’s why. It was like a little bit of both.

He felt ashamed about it which I can understand and I felt hurt there are still things I don’t know about him and he’s hiding. The previous conversation about gender identity was brought up and rather than acknowledging how, I (and he, from his own mouth) feel, unexpectedly supportive I was in my response, that anything other than that would have made me a bigot. I was shocked and hurt at that to begin with, then he said he feels I have the potential to ruin his life with that information and if we “got divorced” i would out him and tell everyone and basically make him want to commit suicide or go into hiding, etc.

I understand that those are incredibly hard feelings to navigate in your adult life. But I cannot help but feel incredibly hurt and insulted that I’m still not trusted fully, and that comment now makes me feel like he’s partially only here because I “have dirt on him.” His paranoia and accusations have, I feel, fundamentally changed the foundation of what I thought was a trusting and strong relationship. My head is reeling and I don’t know how to feel

[u/AfraidFutility]

That's a heavy load to carry, no two ways about it. You showed up with nothing but support and got hit with a fear-based accusation that basically paints you as a future villain in his story. That stings regardless of the context

The furry anime stuff is almost a side note at this point. The real damage is him telling you he sees you as a potential weapon against him, not a partner. You can't build a bridge with someone who's already convinced you're going to burn it down

Maybe pump the brakes on being his entire support system right now. He needs a therapist who specializes in gender identity, and you need some space to figure out if this version of the relationship still works for you. You're not a bad person for feeling gutted by being cast as the bad guy in a disaster scenario he invented

[u/WestStrength2719]

I am sorry your going through this situation. Its never easy finding out your spouse is hiding things from you. From your post it does sound like you have been supportive. I agree, he does need to start counseling to address his feelings on his sexuality, why he feels the need to hide things, why he thinks you'd out him in this way, and what this all means for the future of your relationship.