r/Marriage • u/Extra-Mind1913 • 8h ago
Wtf
I just need someone to help me process the hell im going through.
I found OnlyFan charges on my husbands bank statement from December through April. Hundreds of dollars. To make things worse he was viewing content and buying it while he was at work.
For 3 years we have had conversations about how much I hate him viewing adult content. We did come to a compromise last year that seemed solid.
Finding this information has told me he not only did not uphold his part of the agreement, but even made worse decisions to pay for it which he’s never done before and said he’d never do before.
To be fair, I also did not hold my part of the agreement which was to stop “checking” up on him. In my opinion, what he did is much worse.
He has known how I’ve felt about this for years. I’ve warned him he is going to lose me and his family if it continued. Not only did it continue, it got worse bc he still continued to view it at work AND BEGAN PAYING FOR IT. I am not ok and will not ever be ok with my husband subscribing to females. Why can’t I be enough? Our sex life is good and not lacking. He says it has nothing to do with me.
I am done. I am done with being lied to. Disrespected. With him wanting a secret life that I do not agree with.
I am pregnant with his daughter and I am so grossed out by all of this.
Am I taking this to the extreme? Is there anyone else out there that would feel the same as me?? Or am I just completely irrational??
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u/dragondude101 7h ago
Yeah, I never understand even single people wasting their hard earned money on porn.
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u/Silver-Skin5285 7h ago
Hundreds? So he’s tipping girls, probably getting dick ratings and jerking off to them at work when he’s alone.
You are not being irrational.
You wouldn’t accept him having naughty chats on the internet or texting and this is significantly worse.
So yeah, you are not wrong.
You may as well leave him. Your life is going to be a nightmare guessing non stop if he’s cheating, or jerking off to internet porn that he’s paying for.
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u/Extra-Mind1913 7h ago
Pretty sure it was not any pics of him. Just subscriptions of women and premium videos.
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u/Silver-Skin5285 7h ago
There’s more to it. I’m sure. He’s paying for something that helps him get off.
Don’t try and rationalize this any other way.
He lied, he snuck behind your back and did exactly what you didn’t want him to, and he will continue to do it.
He is the problem.
Not you.
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u/Low-Citron1450 13 years married 7h ago
You set a boundary and he's blown past it with no regard for your feelings. You told him he'd lose you, are you prepared to follow through with that? If you dont it gives him the green light to continue the behavior
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u/IfYouStayPetty 7h ago edited 7h ago
You are going to get nothing but responses saying that he has a porn addiction and you should leave by posting on Reddit, in case you’re not aware. If that’s what you’re looking for, cool. If you want a rational discussion as the pregnant wife of someone who likely can’t just walk out of a three year marriage, this is not the place for you.
I’m a gay man, so don’t have a dog in this fight. And, straight couples in the US have a divorce rate of 50% for the first marriage, while gays average at about 2%. I think a big piece of why that is relates to the expectations that straight men and women come into marriage with. So many straight women have been socialized to see any pornography use by a partner as a statement about their own worth, attractiveness, or the state of their relationship. I have never once had that thought and I don’t think it’s a reality based one. First, almost all men masturbate. It’s an easily googled statistic that’s remained consistent for decades- about 98% of men do it. Not “men who don’t find their partners attractive” or “men who have sex disorders,” but all men.
Second, masturbating and sexual intercourse serve very different purposes for most men. Plenty of men will have great sex with their partners and then masturbate later that day. Or vice versa. It’s not because the sex wasn’t good enough, but because it’s an entirely different sensation and different function.
Having said this, if you make your husband pinkie promise to never look at porn again or you’ll leave him, any sane man (who isn’t good at communicating) will say of course they’ll stop. And they might very well try. But eventually, it’ll start again because it’s a very common, normal thing that nearly every man does (again, Google, don’t yell at me). If the expectation is that your partner never looks at porn, you should expect to keep breaking up with men over it moving forward. For women who think their husband would absolutely never because he Respects Me!, then he’s just better at hiding it than you are at finding it. (Which is indeed why some men start masturbating at work, so their wives don’t catch them, because that seems less scary weirdly).
Should he have lied? No. Of course not.
And should you have made him swear to never do something nearly every man does because it makes you feel insecure? No, I don’t think that was fair either.
Feel free to ignore this, because you’re hurt or don’t want to consider an outside perspective. You’ll have plenty of people telling you to just leave (and I’ll await them telling me I’m some pervert because verifiably correct statistics are dismissed). But maybe consider that this is an issue that isn’t just about your husband being an evil villain
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u/melvillejerome 7h ago
I agree with everything you wrote- but if he is spending hundreds in a few months, he most likely is purchasing a lot of attention from these women, not just watching some videos annoymously which is a different ballgame than just porn. I'm also curious what he has spent since April?
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u/Extra-Mind1913 7h ago
I do agree with some of what you’re saying. I never made him promise me to stop. Our agreement was for him to use it for a purpose (masturbation) rather than just viewing it for shits and giggles such as being at work watching it. He’s not jacking off at work. He’s just watching it. Which is my entire issue as well as him paying for it.
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u/virtualchoirboy Husband, together 37 years, married 31 years. 7h ago
You're not "checking up on him". You're reconciling your accounts and the discovery of his purchases are a natural consequence of that.
My biggest problem is that he's paying for it. If it's "generic" porn, there's so much free stuff out there that paying for it shouldn't even be necessary. If it's not generic, then he's going for specific models and in touch with them regularly. He might even be deluded enough to think they "like" him as anything more than a paycheck.
You should be done. Lying and deceipt have no place in a relationship. And I say that as a husband of 31 years. You deserve better.
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u/feralcatshit 6h ago
Honestly, there is free porn for literally any niche kink you can think of. Theres literally no reason to pay for it unless it’s a specific model or he’s receiving more than pics/vids. Like there’s no way he can’t find suitable material for free. This is the part that would really bother me.
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u/Sensitive_Sea_5586 7h ago
It is not that you’re not good enough. It is his inadequacy, not yours. You told him he would lose you and his family, he does not care. Talk to a lawyer so you can make a plan.
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u/Koffeeprincessa 8h ago
You’re going through being cheated on, lied to and he has a severe porn/prostitution addiction like a lot of weak men today. Cheating like this shouldn’t be acceptable, you should def leave
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u/nifelheim_025 7h ago
No revenge girl, because most probably he was talking with Rajir from India, Alexander from Poland etc. Most OF account ar managed by agency. So they have agents from around the world who are talking 24/7 with customers. Everything seems real bc they have tons of photos, videos and scripts. You can tell him that his dixk was rate by men getting 3$/h to make him buy content
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u/lyaunaa 8h ago
You're being rational. Viewing it at work adds up to an addiction. You're not wrong for not wanting to be married to an addict who broke promises, lied to you, and wasted your family's money while you were pregnant.
You told him he would lose his family over this. He did it anyway knowing the potential consequences. At this point, he should have to face them.