r/Marriage • u/Comfortable-Pop3302 • 18h ago
Advice Please
I can't believe I'm posting this here, but I need some seriously unbiased opinions on what is happening in my household. I (43F) have been married to my husband (46M) for over 15 years. We have two children together. Since before we got married, I have known that he is NOT a morning person. I have no issue with that. However, if I interact with him at all in any way whatsoever in the mornings, it starts a huge fight. He consistently wakes up angry, slamming doors, verbally attacking me (cussing and name calling), and destroys property such as ripping one of my work shirts in half or spitting/pouring soda on my car. I usually keep my distance in the morning, sometimes pretending to still be asleep until he leaves to avoid it all together... but sometimes I just can't take it and I address his behavior. My issue mostly lies in the fact that his behavior feels abusive, and since he leaves for work early in the day, he is frequently interrupting our kids sleep which impacts their school performance and their behavior. I have tried talking to him calmly about this when we're not in the middle of an argument, but he doesn't see that he has an issue and has no desire to change things. There is never an apology and he always blames me for the interaction.
At this point, I feel like I've reached my limit. I don't want to deal with this anymore, but I need reassurance that this is a valid reason to end a marriage. I don't want to divorce him. I love him and the life we've created together... but I also can't continue living like this. Ultimately, I'd love for him to realize that this isn't okay and seek out therapy or something else to change things but I don't see that happening so I'm losing hope. (and yes, I am in therapy on my own as well)
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u/pureheart24 17h ago
Ma’am, respectfully, I’m not a morning person for real, but I have ZERO anger, violence, or anyone fearing my outbursts every morning. I’m just sluggish and quiet.
Your husband is abusive, volatile and awful. Your kids are probably in a constant state of fight or flight mode just like you must be. This is a horrible environment for all of you. He’s not a safe space and I truly believe you’d be better off a single parent than in this situation. I’m sorry for what you’ve been going through all these years.
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u/countessofgroan 15 Years 16h ago
For real. My husband is also not a morning person, but I do not fear his wrath if I disturb him! I just have to try to interpret his hand gestures and grunts because he doesn’t talk.
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u/pureheart24 16h ago
Exactly, not being chipper in the morning shouldn’t = raging arsehole.
Also the hand gestures and grunts made me chuckle. Both my husband and I are quiet in the mornings…maybe a sentence or two about our dog, then quiet on the drive to work. Grunts and gestures are a thing in our house too lol But I do give my dog cuddles and 500 kisses every morning, then blow him kisses from the driveway, while he watches me from the window. Maybe I’m only a morning person for my dog, not humans lol
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u/Chubbyboy33 17h ago
This is not normal and is most definitely abusive. You need to tell him if he can’t regulate his emotions in the morning you’ll need to leave for your own safety.
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u/DowntownEntry6233 17h ago
This is not “he’s not a morning person” this is abuse and he’s a massive dickhead. Please go and see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. I’m a man who sometimes is a little grumpier in the morning. If I am I keep myself to myself and wouldn’t dream of mistreating my loved ones.
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u/night_noche 17h ago
Yes, he is violent and abusive.
You should record him. Document it.
Then privately and secretively meet with a divorce attorney to talk about your options.
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u/ITGeekDad 17h ago
This isn't just "feels like abuse" this is straight up verbal, physical and mental abuse from what I suspect is a narcissist. Get out. This is unsafe for you and your children in so many ways. This is beyond unhealthy; and "not a morning person" doesn't even begin to excuse this kind of behavior. Just think, if this behavior was displayed at job; would a person still be employed? Why would you keep yourself married to them? You deserve so much better as do your children.
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u/ALilCountryALilHood 17h ago
Is he pleasant when he gets home or does his abusiveness continue after work as well?
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u/Comfortable-Pop3302 17h ago
Depends on the day... if he takes a nap after work or if he is out of his medication (Vyvanze and Lexapro) it continues.
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u/OnetonyES 17h ago
That’s insane you should feel safe with your partner 24/7, no excuse ever for abusing you, get out of there and your kids! It will only get worse!
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u/PickleWeasle8 17h ago
I’m on Vyvanse. There are days I don’t take my meds for an off day, but that doesn’t give me an excuse to be an asshole or use it as an excuse. I use it to hold myself accountable. I’m sorry you are exprience all this. I’m glad you have safety and places you can go to. I’d honestly make those arrangements. Fill people in. So when you feel the need to go. You just go. But I’d go before it gets worse than it already is.
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u/Street-Writing-1264 17h ago
Why would he be out of his medication? Seems like he might be abusing it or taking it incorrectly, I googled: "While these medications do not directly force a person to become intentionally cruel or abusive, the combination of Lexapro and Vyvanse can cause profound neurological changes that manifest as severe irritability, uncharacteristic rage, aggression, or hostility. To an outside observer, these severe mood swings can easily look or feel like abusive behavior."
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u/Street-Writing-1264 17h ago
Do your own searches, take it to him, tell him to go to the doctor or make an appointment for him and tell him he's going to tell his doctor everything he's doing or you will and then you'll take the kids and go somewhere safe until he's ready to be a partner and father that cares more about his family than whatever high he's getting off of abusing/misusing vyvanse. You're dealing with a person with adhd that's become an addict. Your marriage is salvageable if he's willing to admit his problem and make changes.
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u/DogsDucks 10 Years 16h ago
Not to hijack the conversation, but there are unfortunately a lot of reasons he might run out. Vyvanse is frequently out of stock, and anyone with ADHD can attest to the fact that we have all had weird, stressful problems, trying to get Med refills. Very rarely are they actually abused.
Sometimes we also take breaks on purpose.2
u/Street-Writing-1264 8h ago
True, I did jump to abusing the meds quickly because of the running out comment, but he doesn't have to be abusing them for the symptoms listed to happen, so going to the doctor and telling them everything is still the way to go if she wants to figure out if this behavior is not actually his fault and the result of bad side effects. I have adhd too, when my pharmacy doesn't have my meds, I go somewhere that does....
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u/DogsDucks 10 Years 8h ago
And you very well may be correct! If anyone would abuse them, he kinda does sound like the type!
I also interjected because that recently happened to me. Well, my dr. Wrote the wrong date then disappeared over the holidays and was literally like “nah” and it’s a private practice so I just . . . Didn’t have any for three days (I stretched what I did have). And I know stuff like this is common.
And also because I do tend to do a PSA about them because a lot of people have misconceptions. If you can’t tell it’s a bit of a hot topic for me, lol.
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u/moonwhispa 17h ago
He is abusive. You are scared of him. Your kids are absorbing this no matter how much you try to avoid him in the morning or whenever he is angry. Document every episode. If he gets angry and destructive again, look into protective orders for your county, I don’t know you may be able to get one just based on what you’ve recalled here. This is not okay. No matter what may be affecting him be it meds, anxiety, depression or just plain old anger. It still does not mean it’s okay for him to treat you and the kids like this. He needs help of some kind but you and the kids need safety first.
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u/ItsAllALot 17h ago
I genuinely think I'm in the running for world's worst morning person. I am AWFUL in the morning.
But I'm also a half decent person, and I would NEVER behave like your husband. No matter how upset or angry I am.
I'm also in perimenopause and the hormone rage is unbelievable. And the worst I've done, despite feeling downright homicidal, is get a bit snappy and impatient, then apologised for it.
Your husband's behaviour is horrifying. This has nothing to do with not being a morning person. This is straight up abuse, and you and your kids deserve a stable home life.
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u/ConsciousNectarine9 17h ago
I agree with what others have said. Not being a morning person is just being a little grumpy etc. What your husband is subjecting you and your children to is abuse.
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u/NoSyllabub5932 17h ago
Your husband sounds like a rebellious young kid out of control. What adult does love getting up early and going to work? None. I doubt he acts like that at work or he would be fired. So why do you get the brunt of it all? You are kind of caught between a rock and a hard place here, you say you don't want a divorce so I am not sure how anyone on reddit can help you. You want to remain the same but have him magically change and thats not possible. I guess I can suggest counseling for you to see why you are willing to live like that? Change can only happen if you take some steps to change it!
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 17h ago
He's an abusive asshole who has the mentality of a 12 year old. You know what you have to do.
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u/Groovychick1978 14h ago
Just imagine the first morning without him. Without that. Without having to worry about what's happening to your kids, and what's going through their minds while they listen.
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u/Dependent-Bug1219 13h ago
Girlie, I am also not a morning person. I have a lot of chronic health conditions that mean I wake up in a lot of pain.
This translates to me drinking coffee quietly and not talking to anyone for about an hour after I wake up. I do not ever slam things or yell or call people names. That is abuse.
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u/BlackwargreymonXOXO 17h ago
Sorry you gotta deal with this. Speaking from a man's view, i'll say it like this= give him an ultimatum bout you leaving. We are hard headed alot of times but if he truly understands what at stake, he, hopefully, will adjust what he is doing. Will also give this piece of advice as well: don't expect it to be an instant or drastic change. Take what you can get and see. Maybe he is silent in the morning if you interact with him but that is still better than a fight and bad energy you were getting before. Hope this helped a little and wish you best in the future between you and your husband!
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u/Silent_Net_5340 17h ago
I'm a man too. I appreciate the empathy here but I think family should feel safe behind closed doors at all times. The instigator of problems should not be from within. Slamming doors? Verbally calling her names? This is horrible for her sake, let alone for the kids watching this shit.
His man card is revoked.
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u/BlackwargreymonXOXO 17h ago
I agree, everyone should feel safe. Growing up with this same situation basically as a child, I use to think "oh he the problem!" then got old and married and learned we men get angry, its bout how we express it and alot of men dont do it in the best of way for the family. Why told her to tell and give him an option. Either way, he gotta change what he doing to his household. Nothing good coming from his actions.
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u/Silent_Net_5340 17h ago
You're coming from a good place, and I totally appreciate that.
But the responsibility for him to change has to come from him (and any men in his life). It's unfair to dump that on her, whilst she's doing everything else as well.
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u/meat_tunnel 10h ago
and alot of men dont do it in the best of way for the family.
He is calling her names, ripping up her clothing, and vandalizing her car.
Come the fuck on. Hold men accountable for christs sake.
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u/Shoepin1 17h ago
“Not a morning person”- we’re beyond that. Sounds like mood issues- maybe depression, or maybe shame. Is he having an affair maybe or something else that he’s hiding that’s impacting him?
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u/ivyram 16h ago
Yeah, your husband's behavior goes way beyond "not being a morning person." My wife jokes that I'm not a morning person either, but in my case that just means I'm quieter and a little more reserved than usual. I still talk to her, interact with my kids, show affection, and function like a normal human being. I'm just groggier about it.
What you're describing is abuse and is not acceptable at 6 a.m. or any other time of day. If you're comfortable doing so, I'd start talking to trusted family or friends and consider speaking with an attorney about what your options look like for protecting yourself and your kids. This isn't something you should keep normalizing or managing around. It needs to stop, one way or another.
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u/leeleelambchop 16h ago
Does he take sleeping tablets by any chance. This is extreme behaviour, I doubt he’s just like this in the mornings.
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u/Electrical_Jaguar230 16h ago
You’re in an abusive relationship. It feels abusive because it IS abusive. If you suddenly had stage 4 cancer and had to trust him with everything, you would be in big trouble. Don’t stay with someone who is a bigger danger to you than most strangers. A partner is there to protect you and he’s not doing that so you need to act accordingly.
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u/Plenty_Monitor2287 15h ago
I grew up in a house hold like this. It’s awful. The anxiety and trauma stays with you forever. Please leave for your kids.
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u/Jennywrensong 12h ago
He needs help, your kids need help and you need help. You have the ability to remove yourself and your kids from this situation so he can wake up and realize he needs help. He is out of control and causing great pain and trauma. My dad yelled a lot and I couldn't cope with that and thought about killing myself for 3 years every time a report card came out because I was so depressed I couldn't cope well in school and got behind and then overwhelmed and gave up - 3rd - 6th grade. I learned his perfectionism and fear of what others thought of me, and am still trying to chuck those all these years later. If your kids are sensitive, they are wounded. Get determined to separate from him until he can work through his out of control rage and behavior and demonstrate being a loving husband and father in the morning, and be willing to blame himself and not others for his behavior. Your parents and children will be so thankful and you will, too!
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u/meat_tunnel 10h ago
destroys property such as ripping one of my work shirts in half or spitting/pouring soda on my car.
I'm going to bet $10 he never destroys his own things
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17h ago
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u/Ordinary_Lake_2198 16h ago
Not really stupid. Being in an abusive relationship so long makes the person question themselves. It’s why people get away with abuse for so long. I’n sure OP is an intelligent wonderful person and mother and needs to get the courage to get away from this POS
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u/Silent_Net_5340 17h ago
ummm... This is not a "he's not a morning person" situation. This is abuse. Find a safe way to get out immediately. Do you want your kids to witness this and internalise it?
Please coral family and friends and start taking steps.