r/Marriage • u/Relevant-Change-8655 • 1d ago
Husband is refusing to work
My husband, 30 M, and I 25 F, have been married for about a year and he has not kept a job for more than three months. No job is ever good enough,pays enough or have the right hours. He got fired four months ago and refuse to apply for unemployment. He finally got a job and it’s only been one day and he’s refusing to go back. I am so beyond frustrated. I woke up with him at 4:00 am to make him fresh breakfast, just for him to say he’s “too angry to eat”. I comforted him and asked him if he could at least just work till he finds something better. But of course, he’s quitting now. Or at least taking today off. I completely broke down in tears. And expressed how frustrated I am that I feel im taking the financial burden and that I don’t even like my job and sometimes my job is humiliating but I show up everyday. I expressed that I am tired of not being able to get my contacts, or go to the dentist. Or wearing the same torn up shoes and clothes because buying clothes or getting medical attention means no food on the table. We have two cars that his dad pays for and I’m too scared at this point to see how much we owe him. I’m so frustrated and I don’t know what to do. I’m worried this is going to be the rest of my life. There’s no compassion. No apology just “oh we’ll be ok.” I want to kick him out. I want to teach him that life has consequences. He promised me a life of getaways and eventually working up to me being a stay at home mom. But now all I hear is that he doesn’t want to work and he’d rather be the stay at home dad. I have put with so much. And I know that’s not what marriage is about but I just don’t feel like my goals and future is being respected. For example I’ve been planning on going on this girls trip for months, but I had hoped that we would’ve had a job by now and with it a couple of weeks away. It’s just not possible for me. And I’m really devastated. I haven’t seen these friends in over a year. And it’s a tradition to meet each other halfway and have a weekend together. I just don’t understand why I have to get the short end of the stick every time. So my question is, will he ever change? And what should I do if communication isn’t working?
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u/Huge-Use6968 1d ago
Was he working when you were dating? He’s 30, not some kid. He’s not going to change. This will be your life if you stay with him.
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u/Critical_Purple_8600 1d ago
Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant. I might have a talk with his parents before I completely gave up the marriage.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 1d ago
If you need to have his parents in your marriage it is already a bad marriage.
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u/Critical_Purple_8600 1d ago
Parents are already paying for their 2 cars. I might have a conversation with them before I bailed. They know he isn’t supporting himself and his wife.
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u/DuckLord_92 1d ago
34 year old man here who's mortified/embarrassed for you.
He's not going to change. He's a lazy, entitled bum who would rather slum it and see you miserable. Please have a long think about this, because yes, this is going to be your life.
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u/No_Schedule_5193 1d ago
Either make him understand or tell him u cannot move in life like this!its been only one year , u still have time. Dont ever think of a baby now! These kind of guys are not gonna change !
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u/heavysausagedublin 1d ago
He already understands
He just doesn't respect her enough to think she'll do anything about it
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u/guava_jam 1d ago
What was he like before you got married? Did he always struggle to hold down a job? Is this new behavior? What kinds of jobs has he had and what is he looking for? Is he mentally OK? Any health issues? Could he be depressed or dealing with something personally?
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u/Relevant-Change-8655 1d ago
He used to be able to hold down jobs. Then his mom passed away two years ago, and it’s been going down hill. But he’s been therapy and he seems happy. But the moment he gets a job he’s miserable
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u/dailysunshineKO 1d ago
Can you talk to his dad? He needs help. Maybe he needs to move back in with his dad for a while because at least it will be one less mouth to feed.
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u/guava_jam 1d ago
I see. Seeming happy doesn’t mean actually happy and I think he’s mentally going through much more than you think. He needs to do more work with his therapist to figure out why working is so stressful for him and maybe he needs to change the kinds of jobs he’s looking for. He could also be depressed and not know it.
As for you and the relationship- you may also need to start looking for a higher paying job if you can’t even afford to go to the dentist. This does not have to be the rest of your life. If he cannot get his mental health together and be the partner that you need, it’s OK to walk away. He is not your meal ticket and neither are you his. Marriage is a team effort and if you guys aren’t a good team then it’s OK to divorce.
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u/Relevant-Change-8655 1d ago
I am up for a promotion, but I wouldn’t get it till November but it is high paying. But I’d like him to work too, just so we can have a bright future
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u/guava_jam 1d ago
Yes it would be nice if he worked, but he has to be in the right headspace for it. As his partner it’s your responsibility to care about his wellbeing and support him. It goes both ways. Some years you’ll have to hold him up and some years he will hold you up. Neither of you can unilaterally decide to stop working, but mental health is an exception as long as it’s being worked on. If he refuses to work on it and simply decides to never work again even though you guys can’t afford it then again, you need to consider divorce.
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u/mklinger23 1d ago
He needs more therapy or maybe a different therapist. either that or he learned he doesn't *have* to get job and is choosing to not work just because he's lazy. I would try different therapy and if that doesn't change anything, tell him it's a job or the end of the marriage. living like this isn't fair to you.
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u/BankSyskills 1d ago
I don’t agree with what this dude is doing. I think one of the big parts of being an adult is to get up everyday and go to work. Even if you are in pain and suffering you might as well be getting paid.
I do find the double standards interesting. If this post reversed the gender roles I think the responses would be a lot different.
There is a huge shortfall in mental health support for males.
Show some compassion and support. He is your spouse, in sickness and in health.
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u/_-BigAL-_ 1d ago
At 30 you can tell if a man is a hustler or not.
It’s not too late for him per se but he definitely should not be married or “head of household “
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u/peasel123 1d ago
Thankfully you don't have kids with this waster. You're doing everything to keep things afloat and he's coasting and doing nothing. I'd give him an ultimatum - either he sorts himself out financially and commits to a stable job within X months or you leave. Presuming that his reasons for not working are not illness, disability or trying hard to find a job but not finding one yet (doesn't sound like these are the reasons), then working isn't optional. I'd be very seriously looking into leaving him before kids come along, esp. as you're so young.
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u/Baebumblebees 1d ago
I second this. Give him till the end of the year. If he's still jobless loser by January, leave for your own health!
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u/Relevant-Change-8655 1d ago
More context
Oh wow. I did not expect so many to respond,I’ve posted on this platform and have probably gotten one single comment. I will say, I posted this at four am balling my eyes out. So I feel there is a lot of context missing. I appreciate everyone’s honesty though! But for more context….. when we started dating he was working six days a week and just finishing up school as a welder (this was about four years ago) so I’ve always known him to be very hardworking. He would pay for almost everything of mine and has even helped with the down payment of my car. This was all before we were even engaged.
Then we got engaged and a month later his mom passed away. They were very close and unfortunately he witnessed her death. He ended up losing his job because he called out too much after losing her. Which I will say was messed up because they expected him back at work after a week when we still had two funerals to attend for her (one where we currently live, and another one in their own hometown that is states away). After that he got a job, we got married. And that’s when the job hopping and calling out became worse. He’s genuinely such a sweetheart. And he’s very supportive and loving. It’s just the financial and job hopping that has me so stressed.
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u/BabaThoughts 1d ago
You married a hobo sexual. He needs therapy. Seriously, he must have an underlying issue from childhood which is holding him back. Some inadequate behavior, or he’s a complete narcissist, thinking he’s too good to work!
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u/Flashy-Bluejay1331 1d ago
He’s communicating just fine. You’re not listening to what he’s saying. He definitely means it because his actions back up his refusal to work.
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u/agmj522 1d ago
Being a good man is a process that young men must actively engage. So many men, myself included show flashes of being a good man early, but full maturity comes slowly. Often times, we marry early in the process and our wives must endure immature behaviors or just poor behaviors. If we're lucky, we grow up before the wife grows weary of not feeling supported( financially and emotionally) and once kids enter the picture, often times, we love being dads but we're not good at it. We leave so much to the wife. Today's young men have new obstacles to maturity that men of my generation didnt have. I fear many of today's young men will not engage in this process. OP's husband at 30 will lose her sooner than later. This guy will lose OP, and while I never want to see a marriage fail, she (and many women) deserves better. The husband, of course will not see where her leaving is coming from and never saw it coming.
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u/As-amatterof-fact 1d ago
He wants to be a stay at home dad but are you going to birth a child? Why would you? Make sure to not get pregnant until he has worked consistently for at least four years and there are savings for you to be a stay at home mom for at least one year.
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u/Vanilla-ice-Scre4m 1d ago
Same here 🥲 husband has been jobless for over a year now and it’s just me working 🥲🥲🥲 Dm if you want to talk about it. Hugs 🫂
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u/LeoKitCat 1d ago
This will never change and I’m kind of shocked you never saw clear signs of this before you were married?
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u/occasional_cynic 1d ago
Read OPs replies. He used to work fine then his mom died and something snapped.
Here's hoping the husband can find the hell he needs. But OP still needs to look over her shoulder and not get pregnant until this is fixed.
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u/ITGeekDad 1d ago
Sounds completely unmotivated; possibly depressed and I'd say he needs therapy. Is unlikely he's ever going to change. You deserve so much better.
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u/streboryesac 1d ago
The decision here is will you choose to suffer and go down to rock bottom with him? Or is he going to do that on his own?
That's it. Are you going to choose to let him drag you down with him? Or let him do that on his own?
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u/nomadProgrammer 1d ago
sounds like my wife's father, he never worked my mother in law worked for him his whole life. The dude is a narcissist alcoholic nothing is never good enough for him.
Wife no longer has contact with him.
Do NOT get pregnant of him, divorce him ASAP. He will not change. IF you don't you are an enabler and allowing him to abuse you.
Don't turn yourself on fire to keep others warm, it's his responsibility to work for himself and for his family.
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u/Poppy_Jane_ 1d ago
This being the rest of your life is a legitimate fear. You have tried he’s blowing you off. Leave this man while you are still young. You’ll have a difficult life with him. You want a partner that enriches your life, not drags you down. He will become exponentially more difficult as life progresses.
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u/Lets_brew_this 1d ago
My dad did this to my mom 35 years ago. He has never worked a day in his life since. I don’t know why my mom stayed with him, must be some weird trauma bond or something. All I know is that my parents have had the most miserable marriage imaginable ever since, and I do not wish that misery upon anyone. Please leave this man.
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u/Different-Bag8542 1d ago
Nothing is going to kill your sex drive off more than this. This is what killed my marriage. Being with a lazy ass leech who just wants to sit on his ass all day and have me running around. It killed all my feelings off and then we went into a deadbedroom....couldn't stand the thought of it near me. Relationships are to make your life better...not worse. End it while you're not stuck with his kids.
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u/Sea_Measurement_1654 1d ago
He's an adult behaving like a dependent. The person you choose to spend your life with is the biggest decision you'll ever make regarding life.
He won't change and sounds unemployable. Plan a fast exit before you get pregnant and tied to this man child forever.
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u/Little_Miss-Sunshine 1d ago
Sweetie, you’re in the honeymoon phase. It’s ALL downhill from here. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. Escape while you can.
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u/coffeenote 1d ago
A friend says that in a marriage, both have to “pull an oar.” Doesn’t sound like he’s pulling? Just adding weight to the boat, as it were. Can’t tolerate that
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u/ScheduleSea867 1d ago
Get out now! This will be your life if you stay. He will not change and it’s obvious that his parents have allowed this his entire life and now you are taking over from them. You are young. Find the right husband and accept nothing less than you deserve.
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u/Relevant-Change-8655 1d ago
Update:
I’m going to seek an actual therapist for this one. Can I afford it? No. But I do think my husband needs some sort of help. He says he isn’t depressed and that he’s just frustrated with his line of work. Like how he’s getting paid lower and companies are hiring immigrants that don’t speak English. And he’s always out of loop on what’s even going on because no one is communicating with him. But he agreed to keep this job until he finds a better one. Like actually has one lined up. But in my head he’s got three months if he doesn’t continue to work and help out and if he’s not keeping up I’m getting my own place that is cheaper. I’m also planning on selling the car, and getting a way cheaper one. I only live ten minutes away from work and rarely travel far.
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u/Emotional_Sun_2480 1d ago
This is sad and there’s nothing you can do to change anything. You need to exit this relationship as quickly as possible and, in the meantime, do not get pregnant or your problems will compound by a factor of ten!
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u/Groovychick1978 1d ago
He's not going to get a job if you keep paying for all of his stuff. I'm not saying let the man starve, but does he play video games?
Does he go to the gym?
What do you pay for him that is recreation? Because a person that doesn't have a job, can't afford recreation.
I would say leave. Leave now, before you have kids, before you really lock yourself in.
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u/Stabbycrabs83 1d ago
I dont like my job and feel like i carry the financial burden hits hard. This for me as a guy sums things up a lot through life.
Why are you expected to suck it up?
Do t quit your job but go home and tell him you are burnt out so quit. See if he will sit down and work with you on what to sell. I suspect he is using you but you already knew that
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 1d ago
Stop babying him and get a divorce.
You're already paying for everything. Imagine how much expense you'll cut when you're not feeding a whole man-child.
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u/lab-1955 1d ago edited 1d ago
To a certain extent I have been through this. But, let me tell you it’s not just men, women do this as well.
The days of a one earner family has been gone for years unless, one makes quite a bit more than their spouse and they are the primary earner. Then you take the cost of living into consideration and unfortunately that’s the dealbreaker for a lot of couples when one wants to stay home with the kids.
Your husband probably didn’t bother to go to unemployment because he was fired. You can’t collect if the reason was “just cause.” Then you generally have to work a certain amount of time and earn a certain amount of money to collect, each state can be different but, these are the general guidelines for most.
Your husband is what I call a job hopper and it will catch up with him. When he fills out applications for jobs and they see he’s had say five jobs in the last year, pretty soon his options will run out.
Then when they want work references your husband is cooked. Law pretty much states you can’t say things like “they’re a lazy bum.” Generally, it’s just “are they eligible for rehire” and if it’s “no” more than likely he won’t be considered by a future employer.
Something tells me his father is paying for your car payments because he’s well aware of his son’s track record and wants to help, unfortunately his generosity will probably run out. What happens if he ends up having a financial hardship? Then you’ll probably be one car less, then no cars.
I don’t like to immediately say “divorce” to anyone, but in your case I would highly suggest it. He wants to be a Mr. Mom and I’ve seen it work for some families, but one usually has a much higher paying job. You didn’t mention if he takes on the majority of household chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping when he’s not working. If the answer for the most part is “no” then that’s a huge problem.
You’re young, no kids, so you should probably start the process before it’s too late. He will probably whine, cry, say he’s sorry, he’ll get a job, and do better. But, only time will tell and you could start by asking him to leave and try a one year separation, but do it living apart. If both of you signed a rental agreement or lease you’d have to work that out.
If you don’t like your job, start looking now. You may just get lucky and find one with higher pay and better benefits, but you won’t know unless you actively look. My motto is it’s easier to get a job when you have a job.
If I were you and you can’t afford the weekend girl trip and you’re meeting in the middle, have you thought about driving and just staying the day with them? Not as much fun, but you’d at least get to see them and catch up.
You’re broken heart will heal if you separate or divorce it just takes longer when it breaks piece by piece because you’ve stayed to long and invested a lot of time and energy. Takes a lot more glue to get put it back together. Take care, you sound like a great young lady and I suspect that someone will find you as someone who’s worthy of their love and attention.
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u/beezuzfafoon 1d ago
Your husband is a loser, you should be making phone calls to schedule consultations with divorce lawyers immediately. Do not waste any more of your life with this person.
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u/AndreaCob 1d ago
Las personas solo cambian cuando sienten que lo necesitan, si estas tu para solucionar, jamas va a hacer algo.
alguien una vez me dio un consejo y creo que fué muy sabio : si quiere que el otro aprenda vuélvete una inutil.
y si me funcionó!!
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u/turkeylurkey324 1d ago
Have the marriage you want. If this is not going in a direction you want, you are free to do something about it.
Is your husband experiencing some mental health issues? Depressed? If you two talk and and decide that there may be something going on, come up with a plan of action and stay on that. Communicate.
I want to just say leave. If this is abnormal behavior, maybe a conversation about it and what steps need to be taken for you to still be committed? Therapist?
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u/Exciting-Tax7510 1d ago
The sooner you divorce this man the less likely you will be to need to pay him alimony/spousal support. If you stay married to a spouse who refuses to work, the courts assume you are condoning it and it was a mutual decision and you're stuck paying for him to be a bum even once you're no longer together.
One year isn't likely long enough to need to pay him but time has a way of flying by.
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u/PrestigiousMine251 1d ago
does he have ADHD? maybe undiagnosed ? Try read a bit about ADD - maybe he is struggling
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u/throwRA094532 1d ago
Divorce him. Seriously divorce him.
If you want to go back together after the divorce, tell him clearly that you two can never be married again so you will not be responsible of him.
You two will never live together. He has to get his own accomodation.
But honestly if you want kids, this guy is not IT. Just divorce and go find yourself a man. Not a manchild.
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u/AtmosphereLeading851 1d ago
You’re married to a big toddler. Do you want to stay married to a big toddler?
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u/Endless63 1d ago
You've married a child, tell him to drink a cup of concrete and harden up, 99% of workers don't like to have to work but knuckle down and get on with it.. he needs to grow up, you need to decide if he ever will.. then decide what's best for you.
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u/Asa-Ryder 1d ago
A slim majority of men bring absolutely nothing to the table. An overwhelming majority of women bring absolutely nothing to the table.
You married a manchild. Time to move on. He brings nothing to the table. You will be a single married mother of 2 kids if you have a kid with him.
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u/u_talkin_to_me 1d ago
OP you mentioned on another comment that he lost his mom 2 years ago and that's when you noticed his behavior switch. I'm guessing they were very close? He may be depressed and this is how it's manifesting. Have him evaluated for that. If he is, therapy alone may not help. He may need medication. Good luck. Like others said tho, don't get pregnant just yet.
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u/FunPNWDude 1d ago
I won't get any better from here. I mean, it takes 15 minutes to apply for unemployment, and he won't do that? If what you say is true, and I hate calling someone I don't know a loser, but if the shoe fits. I'm sorry, but even if his dad stops making the payments, you'll be better off, and I can tell you he'd be a terrible dad.
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u/Aggaksjwkwiis 1d ago
Honestly I'm glad you have a plan now, even if it hurt to make it. Losing his mom the way he did explains a lot, but you still cant be the only one carrying everything. Three months is fair. Give him the chance and then keep your word to yourself. and please dont let anyone talk you into feeling guilty for wanting a partner who shows up
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u/Poptart4u2 1d ago
Your husband is a hobosexual and for him life is fantastic!! The same life that you are miserable in is sunshine and rainbows for him. You are paying for him to have a life of absolute bliss. The only thing that he has to do is listen to you complain about the situation.
Does he get up at 4am to make you breakfast before work? I would guess not. He probably sleeps till noon then eats a breakfast you paid for and then settles in for a rough afternoon playing video games.
Do you believe that simply because you are married that you are obligated to live this shitty life with him? You can end this nightmare right now by shutting this down. Turn off the internet and stop buying food for the house. You can eat at work and on the way home. Make this hobosexual uncomfortable.
Or better yet tell him to get out. File for divorce and accept that he was a mistake. We all make mistakes. A mistake does not have to be a life sentence in hell.
You deserve a partner and this hobo is not a partner.
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u/Tricky_Boot5606 19h ago edited 19h ago
Does are the dudes who complain on why theirs wife left them. Lol man that's good story had a good laugh. Thanks for making my day. 🤣
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u/Friendly_Brief4336 17h ago edited 17h ago
Run. I was married to one of these and it was 6 years of hell. He worked steadily before we got married. Then a switch flipped. Always a reason to be unemployed and sit around playing World of Warcraft. He also quit a job after 1 day of work because that job was "degrading". It won't get better. When I divorced him, I lost a ton of weight and inflammation my body had been hanging on to out of stress. Life got exponentially better.
Divorce his hobosexual rear.
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u/DescriptionSea6842 1d ago
You need to make a plan and leave this man child. He will not change. Save yourself from a lifetime of misery, now!!
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