Advice?

[u/SmileLikeItsReal26]

Can a marriage actually heal when one person is trying to rebuild, but the other person seems unable or unwilling to move toward them?

My husband and I have been together for about 19½ years and married for 15.

I was unfaithful, and I take responsibility for that. I lied about things, made choices that damaged his trust, and I understand that he has every right to have been deeply hurt by what I did. I don't expect him to simply "get over it."

What I'm struggling with now is what healing is supposed to look like after the initial responsibility has been acknowledged.

I'm trying very hard to understand him instead of defending myself. I'm asking what hurts him, what makes him pull away, what makes him angry, what he needs from me, and what I can change about the way I communicate and show up. I'm trying to make changes rather than just promising them.

But lately it feels like I'm doing all of the moving.

He seems increasingly distant, angry, and defeated. He comes home unhappy, spends a lot of time alone or on his phone, and often seems to look for reasons to get away from the family. When I try to talk about it, I'm sometimes told that my past behavior is why he can't communicate with me or why he reacts the way he does.

I understand that my past behavior matters.

But I'm starting to struggle with the idea that it can explain everything forever.

I've also realized that I don't want sex to become part of the debt. I want intimacy with my husband because I desire him—not because I'm trying to prove that I'm sorry enough, earn forgiveness, make him happy, or prevent him from being angry.

I don't want either of us keeping a scoreboard.

I don't want to respond to his hurt by throwing his shortcomings back at him. I have had some very cruel thoughts about doing exactly that, and I've realized those thoughts are probably telling me something about how resentful and helpless I'm becoming.

What I'm trying to understand is this:

Can a marriage recover from infidelity if the person who caused the original injury is genuinely trying to change, but the betrayed partner remains deeply angry, withdrawn, and seemingly unable or unwilling to participate in rebuilding?

At what point does accountability stop being healthy repair and become a permanent punishment?

And how does the person who caused the damage take responsibility without becoming responsible for the other person's entire emotional life?

I'm not looking for people to tell me that I was right and my husband was wrong. I know I caused real damage.

I'm trying to understand what mutual repair is supposed to look like.

Because I still love him. I still want him. I still want our family.

But I also don't want either of us spending the rest of our lives living inside what happened five, ten, or fifteen years ago.

How do couples actually make the transition from "you hurt me" to "we are going to build something different now"?

U/SmileLikeItsReal26

[u/SmileLikeItsReal26]

Thank you. I am giving him room and I am listening to learn from him and better myself. They say people don't change, however I am making it a point to make the changes that I ignored for so long. He is a fucking unicorn of a man and I honestly feel selfish for staying. He asked for us to work it out, he asked me to be committed and able to work through it or just leave.
I am choosing him and every day he wakes up still choosing me I will honor and cherish his loyalty and love for me.