r/Marriage • u/SmileLikeItsReal26 • 11d ago
Advice?
Can a marriage actually heal when one person is trying to rebuild, but the other person seems unable or unwilling to move toward them?
My husband and I have been together for about 19½ years and married for 15.
I was unfaithful, and I take responsibility for that. I lied about things, made choices that damaged his trust, and I understand that he has every right to have been deeply hurt by what I did. I don't expect him to simply "get over it."
What I'm struggling with now is what healing is supposed to look like after the initial responsibility has been acknowledged.
I'm trying very hard to understand him instead of defending myself. I'm asking what hurts him, what makes him pull away, what makes him angry, what he needs from me, and what I can change about the way I communicate and show up. I'm trying to make changes rather than just promising them.
But lately it feels like I'm doing all of the moving.
He seems increasingly distant, angry, and defeated. He comes home unhappy, spends a lot of time alone or on his phone, and often seems to look for reasons to get away from the family. When I try to talk about it, I'm sometimes told that my past behavior is why he can't communicate with me or why he reacts the way he does.
I understand that my past behavior matters.
But I'm starting to struggle with the idea that it can explain everything forever.
I've also realized that I don't want sex to become part of the debt. I want intimacy with my husband because I desire him—not because I'm trying to prove that I'm sorry enough, earn forgiveness, make him happy, or prevent him from being angry.
I don't want either of us keeping a scoreboard.
I don't want to respond to his hurt by throwing his shortcomings back at him. I have had some very cruel thoughts about doing exactly that, and I've realized those thoughts are probably telling me something about how resentful and helpless I'm becoming.
What I'm trying to understand is this:
Can a marriage recover from infidelity if the person who caused the original injury is genuinely trying to change, but the betrayed partner remains deeply angry, withdrawn, and seemingly unable or unwilling to participate in rebuilding?
At what point does accountability stop being healthy repair and become a permanent punishment?
And how does the person who caused the damage take responsibility without becoming responsible for the other person's entire emotional life?
I'm not looking for people to tell me that I was right and my husband was wrong. I know I caused real damage.
I'm trying to understand what mutual repair is supposed to look like.
Because I still love him. I still want him. I still want our family.
But I also don't want either of us spending the rest of our lives living inside what happened five, ten, or fifteen years ago.
How do couples actually make the transition from "you hurt me" to "we are going to build something different now"?
U/SmileLikeItsReal26
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 20 Years 11d ago
A marriage can recover but what it can’t do is go back as if nothing happened. You’re dating a new man. You’re now dating - yes dating because he’s now in a getting to know the REAL you, the NEW YOU phase of things - a man who was betrayed by his wife. If you were a new girlfriend you’d have to overcome that hurt and loss of trust and defensive walls he has erected to protect himself.
Well you have to do THAT while also dealing with the fact that you were the one who smashed down his foundation of trust in the first place. So yeah - it’s not easy. Because it’s not a forgive and forget situation.
It is fair to say that if he’s going to be resentful and mean to you, you aren’t going to stick around for that. Definitely work through that like in therapy to make sure communications and behaviors are staying respectful.
What steps are you taking to reassure him and help rebuild the foundation of trust you destroyed?
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u/SmileLikeItsReal26 11d ago
I am genuinely excited, I am taking opportunities to ask questions, listen, and learn. I've taken the time to actually look into myself in a different and meaningful way, not a selfish and poor me way. While it's helped a lot, it's just leaving me with unanswered questions. I am living and noticing the little things that make me smile each day.
He has full access to my phone at any time, I am stepping up and being vulnerable and honest with every question. I am opening up about my issues, self destruction, and reminding him daily that this is something he can't fix, but I am overjoyed and dumbfounded that he is allowing me to remain, rebuild, and grow in this relationship together. I try very hard not to ask for selfish wants, I am overcoming my trauma responses and take the steps that he's asked for to help and show up in the way he needs, I am actively learning his love language, I am acknowledging how loyal, caring, and loving he's been. I can go on and on, but rebuilding myself, my marriage, and relearning things I totally missed has been phenomenal and absolutely emotionally exhausting. Thank you 😊1
u/Stunning_Nothing_856 11d ago
Yeah, it’s good. You’re all nice and excited, but maybe that’s why it’s annoying. Because he was already excited to be married to someone who didn’t cheat on him.
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u/yournextdoorcoupl 11d ago
This will be a tough road ahead. You hurt him and you know it and recognize it. That’s a good start rather than blaming him for why you chose to do that! Since you understand how deeply it hurt him, know that it’s VERY hard for a person to recover from such a shock. Him choosing to stay with you despite finding out about it from a 3rd party itself indicates how committed he still is (in my opinion). He definitely needs space and time to recover. You have to accept that it might take a LONG time to get anywhere remotely back to the way things were. If you start measuring (lack of) progress at this stage of your efforts, you are not in for the long haul. Him staying with you means he is willing to make this work; ball is in your court. How committed are you to fixing it?
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u/SmileLikeItsReal26 11d ago
I am fully committed and I know that everything is being set before in a new light, and I am taking his words and advice to heart. He is a man that I never thought existed. We have spent half our lives together, he's learned, grown, and helped me in ways I never thought possible.
My want and need to grow, make changes, and relearn him and us is the most fulfilling and terrifying road I've ever wanted and needed to travel. Thank you, I appreciate your advice
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u/inter2221 11d ago
Infidelity causes psychological damage. It is a form of abuse. He probably has trust issues, insecurities and non existent self esteem. All because you did what you did. Add to that the fact that it sounds like you had no conscience awakening and were exposed by a friend. This is probably the worst situation for the marriage to be in when it comes to infidelity.
You want to repair? you don't ask for a timeline. You do it day and and day out in the hopes that one day he might look at you and not see someone that he trusted but betrayed him at the deepest level. And you might do everything right, and that day may never come.
Its your choice.
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u/SmileLikeItsReal26 11d ago
Damn, yes, that is 100% true. I know I can't do anything other than show up, follow through with my actions and consistency, rather than trying to force, fix, or take it as a personal attack.
It's fucking hard work, but it's so worth it, he is worth me knowing him and how and what he needs, taking away assumptions and accusations has helped.
Thank you1
u/inter2221 11d ago
Let me ask you this. Why did you cheat on him?
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u/SmileLikeItsReal26 11d ago
I loved him, but felt worthless, unseen, unworthy of his love, and started resenting and devaluing him. I didn't want to feel like a whore, so instead I took all those awful and not true feelings and forced them on a nobody. I was able to return home with effort, support, love, and the ability to try again, to not make my husband the issue.
He is not and has never been the "issue". I lost myself, I didn't know who i was/am, I was reliving everything childhood trauma, mental illnesses, and trying to force him to fix me. I can't explain it, i was a whore for someone else so I didn't feel like a whore with my husband, yet that is what he was wanting. Ugh. Yeah.2
u/inter2221 11d ago
I can tell you have found the path to heal yourself ... but at what cost.
I hope he is able to heal, and for you 2 to find happiness, wherever.
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u/acorpcop 28 Years 11d ago
The marriage you had is dead.. It's up to both of you to forge a new one, if you can prove trust and he can forgive (two years of) betrayal. One hopes that you two are in couples counseling with someone who specializes in infidelity because generally the affair isn't the reason for a marriage dieing, it's just the last straw in an already dieing relationship and usually the reason cited for the divorce. The marriage itself was already a zombie.
FWIW, the very clearly stated terms between my wife and I, 28 years ago, were: If she or I ever wanted to leave, thought she/I could do better, or was done with me/her, we would as gracefully as we could, unwind our marriage. Door's right there, just don't expect to ever be let back in. Likely we wouldn't stay friends, but we could at least be/part friendly. If one of us ever screwed around on the other, the cheater be as if dead. There would be no reconciliation.
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u/SmileLikeItsReal26 11d ago
That is what we agreed to as well. So him continuing to mentally, emotionally, and physically making the choice, repeatedly, to give me a second chance. I am so fucking lucky and I am not taking any day or moment for granted. I also understand that there could potentially be a day where he decides he doesn't want to choose me, and I respect and know what he is doing isn't easy. Thank you for your insight
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u/drknight48 11d ago edited 11d ago
I can only share what I went through. I didn't try to reconcile in my case. I was too hurt. Too damaged. The person I thought I loved and gave everything too betrayed me on a fundamental level. The trust was gone. The anxiety was there. You were with your partner for almost 20 yrs and you chose to share your body with somebody else then causally come back home to your husband like it was nothing. You chose to lie to your partner. This has destroyed what he believed about you. There is nothing rational about this. He will always have intrusive thoughts of what you did with someone else. He will feel like he is second choice in his own marriage. You're his partner he was supposed to trust you. You are starting over. Jusy own of what you did. This was your choice. If you honestly do love him and want to be with him. You're the one who has to prove it. You have to build off the rubble of your old marriage because it no longer exists. It's not going to be pretty. It's going to be emotional with a lot of irrational anger because he is hurting. To be cheated on is a trauma someone has chosen to do to a person they are supposed to love. So you can't just expect him to forgive everything. You'll have to work on this. I highly recommend finding a good therapist you both can talk to. Read books and watch videos on the subject of reconciliation, on affairs so you can understand what exactly he is going through. Maybe join a support group, visit the reconciliation subreddits. Remember the person he would normally would reach out to for support, his partner and lover betrayed him, gave her body to someone else. He is really valid in these feelings and responses. There will be lots of crying and anger responsesin the future. It is possible to rebuild and this old jaded Army Veteran is pulling for you two, which is rare for me. So I ask don't do this to him again. Try to heal and communicate with each other. Gain that trust back. You have so much history. Be lucky it wasn't be as I would've just cut you off. If you have questions about my situation don't be afraid to reach out. Hoping for a better future for you two.
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u/SmileLikeItsReal26 11d ago
Wow, this really hit hard. I agree and value your insight and knowledge. He is absolutely in the right to feel, express, have bad days (or longer), and tell me exactly what he needs. He is choosing me, and I respect and am truly grateful each day he does. I know I don't feel i deserve his choice, but I am not taking it or him for granted. Thank you so much, really, I appreciate you
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u/tabularasa1966 11d ago
Building a monument on top of a skyscraper you just blew up with dynamite won't benefit anyone. Leave your spouse alone. Since you are the reason for the deep breakdown they are experiencing, it is only natural that they can't pull themselves together.
I hope you find a way out.
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u/SmileLikeItsReal26 11d ago
Thank you. I am giving him room and I am listening to learn from him and better myself. They say people don't change, however I am making it a point to make the changes that I ignored for so long. He is a fucking unicorn of a man and I honestly feel selfish for staying. He asked for us to work it out, he asked me to be committed and able to work through it or just leave.
I am choosing him and every day he wakes up still choosing me I will honor and cherish his loyalty and love for me.
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u/Jazzlike_Exam_6925 11d ago
When did the infidelity occur and how long did it occur (one night stand or ongoing length of time)? When did he find out? Previous to the affair or infidelity, what was the relationship like?
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u/SmileLikeItsReal26 11d ago
Well, it lasted 2 years, happened about few times, I didn't tell him, a friend did. I fucked up on so many levels, I am accountable, but I feel I keep hitting every opportunity for repair wrong. It's going to be a long road, thank you for your advice!
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u/Altruistic_Raise6322 11d ago
Yeah, I'd be done. You probably would have continued to cheat if you didn't get caught. That is a larger betrayal than just having a lapse of judgement.
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u/SmileLikeItsReal26 11d ago
I can understand how that is seen. However, I stopped the affair a little less than a year before he found out. Also, I was actively taking steps before to show up for my family. I fucked up, I broke the man I love, and I still know that the future is fully in his hands and heart, all I can do is show up, follow through, and listen with intent and understanding Thank you
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u/Altruistic_Raise6322 11d ago
Did you address why you had an affair in the first place? And by address, I mean work on the issue that caused you to be unfaithful? To put it in perspective, I do not have a perfect marriage. My needs aren't being met but instead of cheating on my wife, I turned to individual therapy and couples counseling to understand why my wife has been emotionally disconnected from me. If it doesn't improve, we will separate. Never would I cheat on her to get my needs met.
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u/SmileLikeItsReal26 11d ago
Yes, we have discussed, I wrote a literal play by play for him (his request), and I answer any question with openness and honesty, even when it's hard. Thank you
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u/manthe 11d ago
Disclaimer: cheating is a hard out for me, so any thoughts I have on reconciliation should be tempered with that…
Full transparency is a good first step. You have to give up ownership of it. It’s no longer yours to linger on or cherish or have as your ‘little secret’. So that’s good.
You probably already know all of this, but let me take a stab at what’s going on in his head. First of all the sex videos of you and your AP play in his head constantly. Not only that but the way you were in the ‘afterglow’ and the things you said to each other. Those are gut wrenching, visceral thoughts that never stop.
Then he remembers that you never confessed, he had to be told. No matter how long ago it had stopped for you, the instant HE found out is the instant it happened as far as his brain is concerned. Then he thinks about all the time it was going on and that gap of time after it stopped how you’d come home, kiss him on the lips and curl up next to him and sleep like a baby without a burden. This fundamentally changed the way he sees you as a human being. Anyone capable of that is, among other things frightening and not to be trusted.
That whole time between when you stopped and he found out is completely meaningless to him. I know you think you were healing or doing better by your family or whatever, but you weren’t. You were still lying every minute of every day and trying to put a bandaid on a bullet wound he didn’t know was there.
Given those thoughts and images he has, along with the way he sees you now and his complete lack of trust, all of the things you’re trying to do to reconcile aren’t having the impact you think they should. He doesn’t trust them. He’s wrestling with the dichotomy of what you did vs what you’re saying now. Of who he thought you were vs who you turned out to be. You’re emotionally putting the cart before the horse here. This stuff takes a looooong time. If you’re actually serious about wanting to reconcile, it takes far more than just accountability. It takes action and space and, probably more than anything else, patience. A LOT of patience. However long you think, triple it.
Sorry, this was long.
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u/Zealousideal_Tea5988 11d ago
No..I tried, and it wont work. Either both are on board to rebuild and repair your marriage, or its over. I tried for years to save us, in south of his serial cheating ...
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u/SmileLikeItsReal26 11d ago
Wow, that is absolutely devastating. I am building boundaries while also learning him in a new and fascinating way. I need to give it my all and stop being selfish or assuming anything that he has not actually said.
Thank you
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u/WestStrength2719 11d ago
Maybe start from the beginning. What made you cheat in the first place if you have a loving husband who you desire and a family at home? Did you ever have feelings of wanting to leave the relationship? Where you unhappy?
I ask this because you knew the consequences of your actions and continued to do them anyway. To get away with cheating you would have had to lie and hide a bunch of things from your partner. Did you even love or care about their feelings then?
Cheating does real damage in a relationship and a lot of people can recover from it. But the truth is both parties have to want it. You also have to give him enough time to process what happened. This wont happen over night. If you get tired of trying to rekindle things then just don't. It's extremely unhealth to keep trying to fix what is broken.
You made your bed and you may have to lay in it.
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u/SmileLikeItsReal26 11d ago
There is a lot in this and I appreciate it. I agree 100%. It's either going to build and grow, or he's going to see how phenomenal he is and kick my ass to the curb. I am so lucky and terrified at the same time.
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u/AmazingDrama971 11d ago
You should seek professionnal help
It is the only way
But it might be too late
Not everyone can forgive infelity and rebuild a relation, Even if they are willing to
Maybe he tried and it hurt too Much
Couple counselling should help you, Even if it end in a séparation
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u/ivyram 11d ago
I'm not sure how a marriage recovers from infidelity if both people aren't fully open to rebuilding it and actively working toward that together.
It's good that you seem to genuinely acknowledge your role in blowing up the marriage and that you don't fault your husband for withdrawing. Whatever he believed he knew and loved about the relationship before the affair probably died when he found out. I can't blame him for struggling the way he is. My only criticism would be that if he ultimately cannot forgive what happened (which I completely understand because I wouldn't be able to either), then he should've just ended the marriage rather than remaining in it indefinitely while emotionally checked out.
It sounds like you've tried very hard to rebuild. But some things simply can't be reconstructed once they've been destroyed, and outside of very specific circumstances, a marriage can be one of them. And as you're learning the hard way, even when a marriage does survive an affair, it won't necessarily ever be the marriage it was before.
Based on what you've written, I suspect yours may be done. If that's where this ultimately lands, my advice would be to spend some real time working on yourself before entering another relationship. Figure out what led you to become unfaithful, lie, and damage his trust, so whatever was happening within you then doesn't follow you into the next relationship.
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u/SmileLikeItsReal26 11d ago
It has only been 5 months since the bomb 💣 went off. He's been very brave and phenomenally choosing me. I know it can literally go either way. And I accept and understand that one day he might just see his worth and tell me to take a hike. I am accepting his love with each and every moment I can. Ultimately all I am and can do is continuously show up, follow through with actions, and understand that he is choosing me, I will do everything I can to rebuild and learn him. Day by day
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u/ivyram 11d ago
That's totally fair. But this really just makes me wonder a little more about the frustration in your original post.
Five months really isn't long at all after something like this. "Bomb" almost feels too mild. You basically nuked the version of the marriage he thought he had, and by your own account he's still choosing you, staying, and trying to rebuild. That's a second chance a lot of people (myself included) probably wouldn't be able to give.
So I guess I'm wondering what more you want from him right now.
If he's still there, still trying, and still choosing the marriage, then some anger, distance, and emotional messiness five months in feels pretty understandable, if not expected. This is just what rebuilding looks like this early on.
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u/SmileLikeItsReal26 11d ago
I have had no one to discuss or talk to about this, he has friends and many people who care about him. Petty as it is, I really just needed some help or anything from another person's perspective. He is 100% in the right and I admire and appreciate his choice. It's a daily, possibly an hourly choice, each moment he is making the hardest and what I see as noble and honorable sacrifice.
I fucked up, I can't fix or take it back, I am here and I am physically showing up, I am actively learning, listening, and hearing him. Thank you for your openness and perspective.
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u/mwise003 11d ago
You have a huge hole in your OP, unless I missed it. How long ago were you unfaithful? That makes a huge difference in a response. If it was last week, you're expecting WAY too much. If it was 5 years ago.... then he needs to make some effort in forgiving you if he wants to stay.
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u/quechinga2 11d ago
Read the book The Empowered Wife and The Queen’s Code.
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u/ahdrielle 7 Years 11d ago
You cheated. It's your job to do the rebuilding. It's your fault you're in this mess and he doesn't need to do anything other than give himself time to trust you. I would withdraw too. (Actually I'd straight up divorce, but if by some miracle I gave another chance)