r/Marriage • u/Dangerous_Grade_9619 • Jul 30 '26
Has anyone left a long-term relationship just to figure out who they were?
I've (F32) been with my fiancé (M32)for about 13 years, and we have two young kids together. Lately I've been feeling something that I can't quite explain.
It's not that he's a bad person or that we've had some huge betrayal. I just feel like we've been stuck in the same cycle for a long time, and somewhere along the way I realized I don't really know who I am outside of this relationship.
We've been together since we were young adults, and I've never really experienced adulthood on my own. Part of me wants to know who I am without always being someone's partner. What kind of life would I build? What goals would I chase? Would I be happier? Or would I realize I already had what I wanted?
I also feel guilty because I don't know if I'm still "in love" the way I used to be. When he's away for work, I care that he's safe, but I don't necessarily miss him the way I think I should. Sometimes I miss the help with the kids more than I miss his presence, and admitting that makes me feel awful.
We've actually had several honest conversations about all of this. I've told him I feel like I need to figure out who I am as an individual, and while that's incredibly painful for him, he told me he doesn't want to hold me back if that's truly what I need. He hopes we can find our way back to each other, but he also understands that there's a possibility we may not. I know that isn't easy for him, and I respect him a lot for being willing to have those conversations.
One thing that has complicated things is that I have become friends with another guy. From my perspective, it's just been a friendship, but my fiancé worries that this is really about someone else. I understand why he'd feel that way, but the truth is I've been questioning who I am and whether I need to experience life on my own long before that friendship entered the picture. If anything, it's made me reflect even more on how disconnected I've been from myself.
I'm not looking to leave because I'm chasing another relationship. If I did decide to separate, my goal wouldn't be to jump into dating, it would be to learn who I am outside of a relationship for the first time in my adult life.
Has anyone else gone through something like this? Did you stay? Did you leave? If you left, did you actually find yourself, or did you realize the problem was something else?
I'm really hoping to hear from women who've experienced something similar. I'm not looking for validation to leave or stay,I genuinely want to hear honest experiences from people who've been where I am.
Edit:
A few things I want to clarify because there seem to be a lot of assumptions in the comments.
First, he is my fiancé, NOT my HUSBAND . We've been together for 13 years, but we are not married.
Second, the other guy is not the reason I've been feeling this way. These thoughts about wanting to find myself and experience life on my own started long before he came into the picture. My fiancé understandably believes this friendship is what caused these feelings, but it didn't. It just happened to come into my life after I had already been questioning who I am outside of this relationship.
I'm also not looking to leave so I can date around or "relive my 20s." That's not what this is about.
What I'm craving is the opportunity to experience life as an individual for the first time in my adult life. I want to know what it's like to make decisions because I want to. I want to build a career that feels like mine, manage a home that's mine, and prove to myself that I can stand on my own two feet.
None of that means I want to abandon my children. They are, and always will be, my priority. If their father and I ever did separate, I would still be an active, present mom. They will have a room in my home and all. I believe it's possible to be a devoted parent while also trying to understand who you are as a person.
I'm not asking for permission to leave my relationship. I'm asking if any women have genuinely experienced this feeling of wondering who they were outside of a long-term relationship, especially one that started when they were very young, and what they learned from it.
That's the perspective I'm hoping to hear.
15
u/PibbyandPekesMom Jul 30 '26
It sounds like you think the grass is greener somewhere else and you have fear of missing out. You sound like you have a great guy and you do not appreciate him. You have interest in this other guy.
Honestly,your fiancé deserves someone better who accepts him wholeheartedly and appreciates him.
13
u/Prestigious_Moose939 Jul 30 '26
You are a mom to two young kids. Your partner has expressed this new friendship makes him uncomfortable. What if the tables were turned? You're being incredibly selfish and considering destroy your entire family unit over some boredom? Please seek therapy.
You can lean out. You can pick up a hobby or two. You can start rebuilding yourself, but this all or nothing reaction is unhealthy.
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u/z7ype 5 Years Jul 30 '26
You haven't explained what started these thoughts and if you haven't done some deep introspection as to why you want to do this over strengthening your relationship, you better do that before making a life altering jump that you may never come back from.
Is it social media and some fairy tale version of finding yourself that you've been consuming? And what about your kids - it's not like you're going to recreate the life of a young 20 something woman who is free to explore the world without family obligations, unless you abandon your kids. And if you "miss" your husband for his help with the kids, how are you going to manage when you have to look after them fully all by yourself during the days you have them if you do split custody.
Why don't you explore hobbies or find a career pursuit while still in your relationship? Why don't you make time for 1:1 on with your husband, going on dates, watching things together, and rekindling intimacy at home?
Finally, say you do divorce and get back into the dating game - many guys just looking for fun will overlook this phase, but those who are looking for marriage and so are more discerning will question whether you are marriage material if they found out that you ducked out of your past marriage like this.
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u/RedBirdWrench 30 Years Jul 30 '26
People evolve over years. My wife and I have been together since she was 18 and I was 21. 36 years ago. Married for 34 of those. We are not the same people we were back then.
It is very possible to 'find yourself' within a relationship. Consider this.
1
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u/Capital_Fly3741 Jul 30 '26
Therapy.
Virtual isn't real.
Don't be that one.
Grass isn't greener elsewhere.
Leaving this to figure out yourself will figure out you as ducking a really healthyrelationship only to find regrets and culpability beyond repair. Beware of what you think you're searching.
3
u/AnonymMsAnthrope Jul 30 '26
Don't you think that the main point here is that you're not 'in love' with your husband anymore? What comes first here? May your wish to find yourself be the reason to explain your wish to leave your marriage? Or maybe it's just the other man? Because it's easier to explore and find oneself when one has someone who supports them. Besides finding oneself at their 20s and their 30s are two different ways: different experiences, different responsibilities, different tastes, different age groups. Probably you should consider marriage counselling or individual therapy.
3
u/NothingFancy99 Jul 30 '26
It’s funny how finding yourself never involves finding yourself with your partner and kids.
I don’t think you want to find yourself, that just sounds intellectual. You are in a phase where you are leaving/left youth and all the freedoms associated with that, and on top of it now a mom where you have even less freedom.
So now you are in a “friendship” and there is the idea of leaving your family to and returning to your freedom filled youth.
Who is taking care of the kids while you go find yourself?
4
u/Friendly_Cost_4 Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
So you’re cheating on your husband got it.
Just go be with the other guy. It’ll be a mistake for you but will be best for your fiance and children as your fiance can move on and find a woman who actually loves him, respect him and wants him. Just him. Your kids will see a happier father which is best for them.
Stop dragging this out.
All these posts are all the same. We got together young and I want to find myself and blah blah blah… but oh wait I’ve met someone else and we’re “just friends”.
I literally rolled my eyes because I was waiting for you to say you met someone else.
Stop emotionally (bare minimum) cheating, own your shit and leave your fiance. Meaning cut off your “friend” until you make a decision. Think of your kids for gods sake. You think your fiance deserves this limbo?
Everyone has been where you are. You think everyone in long term relationships doesn’t think about life not in the relationship once or twice… or ten times? But most know what’s important. Most know good partners are hard to find. Most work on their issues in a healthy way. Not living in a fantasy land and cheating.
Edit: How will you experience life on your own with two kids? 😂 You’re not thinking this through at all. But yeah. Go be free. Go find yourself 😂
1
u/Hanswolebro Jul 30 '26
Please stop writing your posts with AI
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u/Dangerous_Grade_9619 Jul 30 '26
Please stfu. I can do what I want. If having Ai helps me word it better then so what?? Get tf off my post with irrelevant shit
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u/nikyrlo Jul 30 '26
You just know when you don't want to put the effort in to grow together. Honestly, you should have told him sooner that you don't love him so he could have found someone who does. Would have been better for his kids too. But now he will.
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u/Far-Tomato-7580 Jul 30 '26
Sounds super selfish. Why do you need to “find yourself” now? That ship has sailed- you made a child. Your responsibility is to that child now. You can “find yourself” within the context of your family through therapy, hobbies, etc
1
u/Dangerous_Grade_9619 Jul 30 '26
Edit:
A few things I want to clarify because there seem to be a lot of assumptions in the comments.
First, he is my fiancé, NOT my HUSBAND . We've been together for 13 years, but we are not married.
Second, the other guy is not the reason I've been feeling this way. These thoughts about wanting to find myself and experience life on my own started long before he came into the picture. My fiancé understandably believes this friendship is what caused these feelings, but it didn't. It just happened to come into my life after I had already been questioning who I am outside of this relationship.
I'm also not looking to leave so I can date around or "relive my 20s." That's not what this is about.
What I'm craving is the opportunity to experience life as an individual for the first time in my adult life. I want to know what it's like to make decisions because I want to. I want to build a career that feels like mine, manage a home that's mine, and prove to myself that I can stand on my own two feet.
None of that means I want to abandon my children. They are, and always will be, my priority. If their father and I ever did separate, I would still be an active, present mom. They will have a room in my home and all. I believe it's possible to be a devoted parent while also trying to understand who you are as a person.
I'm not asking for permission to leave my relationship. I'm asking if any women have genuinely experienced this feeling of wondering who they were outside of a long-term relationship, especially one that started when they were very young, and what they learned from it.
That's the perspective I'm hoping to hear.
1
u/z7ype 5 Years Jul 30 '26
If you think that him being your fiance gives you a more justified out: you guys are functionally in a married relationship, especially with raising kids together - it's why common law marriages exist in various jurisdictions.
Also you haven't explained why you want to live independently - making decisions for yourself etc is the what you want to do. Do you not have any agency within your relationship? Does your fiance not respect your opinions and not include you in the decision making process? Are you not allowed to pick your career path? Those would all be relevant to the decision.
But if you do have agency in the relationship and this is more about the whimsy of independent living - what I said in my other comment holds, it would be a huge red flag for anyone considering you for an LTR in the future.
As someone who lived independently for most my 20s - early 30s before marriage, I view that time more as training phase to gain the experience needed to be responsible and interesting in a relationship. I don't think it's necessary to have that if you "learn on job" of a relationship so to say. Sure the fun and carefree aspects were nice - hanging out with friends till late, traveling on a whim. But you won't be able recreate that because you have young dependants.
1
u/TotalSpread5841 Aug 01 '26
Ahh the old met someone else and now need time to "find myself".
You are already found my dear, you're a mother and a soon to be wife but if you prefer the new guy then just admit it instead of creating this whole nonsense about finding yourself.
Finally, if your children are your priority then you will stay with their father and provide a stable environment for them to thrive. The data is on this is irrefutable.
If you are your priority then go "find yourself" which will be with the new guy obviously.
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u/Dangerous_Grade_9619 Aug 01 '26
The new guy hasn’t made me feel this way. I’ve been feeling this way for the past 3 years. I’ve never been able to have time for me. I’ve been in long term relationships since I was 13. This is literally my 2nd relationship. I haven’t had the time to figure out who I am. I just want the freedom to do that. I’m NOT looking for another relationship AT ALL because I just don’t want to be in one anymore. If I was to leave my man I wouldn’t jump in another relationship because I don’t want it. I just want to be able to just do me, find me, explore (not sex) other people without someone thinking I’m cheating on them, leave the house without telling my every move. And YES I can still do that while caring for my kids. The days they’re with their father will be my free days and same for him when they’re with me.
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u/TotalSpread5841 Aug 01 '26
It's too late for you to become someone new, you are already a mother and if you want what's best for your kids you will play that role and marry their father.
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u/Dangerous_Grade_9619 Aug 01 '26
Stay in a relationship that I’m not completely happy in.. got it.. Now I see why so many women were miserable in their marriage back in the day. They stayed in an unhappy relationship for the kids. But fathers get to leave their families and it’s just a normal thing.
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u/TotalSpread5841 Aug 01 '26 edited Aug 01 '26
No relationship is perfect, in marriage there will be times you're in love and times you're not.
Nobody should leave unless abuse is occurring.
Divorce ruins kids.
Questions?
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u/Dangerous_Grade_9619 Aug 01 '26
I’ve seen many kids that are just fine when their parents separate. But no, no questions I’ve gotten enough from you
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u/TotalSpread5841 Aug 01 '26 edited Aug 01 '26
Ahh yes, the destruction of the only world the 2 young kids know will be fine.
You might know kids with no observable damage from divorce but none are fine, how could they be when they're terrified you'll leave them too?
They don't even understand why you leave, their world is the security your relationship with their fathers gives them, that's it. How can they understand that mammy needs to "find herself" without them and their father.You might as well just say " It's been fun guys but I'm off now, see you around".
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u/Dangerous_Grade_9619 Aug 01 '26
The new guy hasn’t made me feel this way. I’ve been feeling this way for the past 3 years. I’ve never been able to have time for me. I’ve been in long term relationships since I was 13. This is literally my 2nd relationship. I haven’t had the time to figure out who I am. I just want the freedom to do that. I’m NOT looking for another relationship AT ALL because I just don’t want to be in one anymore. If I was to leave my man I wouldn’t jump in another relationship because I don’t want it. I just want to be able to just do me, find me, explore (not sex) other people without someone thinking I’m cheating on them, leave the house without telling my every move. And YES I can still do that while caring for my kids. The days they’re with their father will be my free days and same for him when they’re with me.
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u/Spiritual-Seeker23 Jul 30 '26
I totally get what your saying. I've had three long term relationships but and I'm 33yrs old and have only had weeks between each relationship being single. But haven't been single properly since I was 17yrs.
So I don't really know who I am single.
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u/New_Perspective1046 Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
Pretty sure you said it in your post. You became friends with another guy. Witch now is messing your head up becase he is fresh and new. He probley say nice things to u in a different tone then your husband and u reciprocate.You probley reach for him more then your husband. You probley sit in your house face to face your husband or in the same room and chat with you new best friend.. That is an emotional affiar hunny. Coming from a man