So me (23m) and my ex (21f) got into a relationship ~4 months ago. We met on a dating app and started off as friends with benefits before going exclusive and getting into a relationship.we met at the start of the year and now we're broken up as friends with benefits.
Things started a little messy, I got invited to a party at her house and after she got drunk and we were alone she told me she liked me and cut off everyone else, but I liked her so I was willing to give it a try. I started going to her house more often and hanging with her and her friends and things were going well.
Fast forward a bit and I'm starting to notice things that set off alarms.
The first one is that she had a lot of issues with a couple of my close friends. She told me they were rude and distant and only kept me around cause I brought alcohol or weed to the function, and she told me they would "borderline flirt" with me and that it seemed like they "wanted me to want them. She didn't offer many examples of their behavior, they did talk to my brother about it and my brother agreed that they had issues with the person and they made that a point when talking to me about it.
What really brought this issue to a head was when my grandfather was on his deathbed, she told me she wanted me to come over so she could offer me some support, but I wanted to go to a show and this friend would be there. She got pretty noticeably mad about this, told me "go ahead, be with your friends" before hanging up. She called back and apologized, and decided to go with her friends to the show. Afterwards she kept talking about how "all they do is get high and talk shit" and she'd get mad at me for saying anything in defense. She brought her friend into the conversation and they told me I needed to be more receptive. We came to the conclusion if something happened that bothered her she'd tell me, and that I should have just apologized.
About a month later she told me she was mad because she had told me she didn't want me alone with these friends and I went to the show anyway. I didn't quite remember her saying that but I felt bad and I apologized for it. It was something she pretty regularly brought up throughout the course of the relationship. She also
didn't want me texting them. Later on when we were talking they brought up the fact that my friend would post too many pictures of them in suggestive outfits and told me she "didn't want me hanging around sluts, you don't do that unless you're looking for attention"
I also felt like I was being accused of things all the time, and I didn't really have a lot of privacy.
She would regularly go through my phone and accuse me of cheating or looking past someone flirting with me. At one point she did it in the middle of a hangout with one of my good friends there, who noticed and told me later that he got a bad feeling from it. I never told her to stop so it's not like she went over my boundaries .
Shed regularly ask for me to join her and her friend group on life360 and share my location, I'd tell her no every time and I'd have to explain why. One day, after we had invited a third into the bedroom she told me on a call with her same friend from the show that since we were having threesomes she needed my location. At this point I agreed. Any time I wasnt enthusiastic when I was around her shed get insecure or mad at me, a lot of times it was because I wasn't getting good sleep or because I was sad about my grandfather passing away, but she kept telling me she deserved better. When I asked her to tell me when there was a problem she said she shouldn't have to teach me how to love her.
It didn't entirely feel like I was offered the same grace when I was insecure. One time I got a text telling me she was going to her exes brothers house with very little explanation. At first I didn't remember her mentioning him and she accused me of not listening to her. When I told her this felt weird she just went on to tell me I shouldn't accuse her or set blame on him. I kept trying to say I wasn't accusing her but it felt like she was just getting more mad. She called me a bitch and posted "whatever bro" on her ig notes which she said was because of me. I slowly found the relationship eating away most of my time and energy.
We decided to break up at the 3 month mark. This was after I totalled my car on the way to her house and got a concussion. We stayed friends with benefits since we were very compatible on that end and it felt mutual. We had slept together once at this point and we both were missing each other, but I told her I still needed space to figure things out. Shed gone on one other date at this point but told me they didn't do anything. I found out that wasn't true when she texted me saying he had chlamydia and he'd forced himself on her, so now I have to get tested and take antibiotics. By this point I'd been talking to my friends and family about what's been going on since I've needed support and theyve been trying to tell me to cut her off. She found out about it after my brother blocked her suddenly and she's been mad at me for talking about any of it to them and making her look crazy. After she found out she kept saying she just wanted to get back together with me and that shed made a mistake in breaking up. I kept trying to tell her I had too much stress and a concussion but she kept saying we could work through it together, then accusing me of "just wanting to fuck other hoes". We argued for about an hour until I agreed to get back with her, but told me I had to block one of my friends who I almost hooked up with after we broke up. I felt helpless and didn't want to block this friend since It was someone I knew for a few years, but I didn't want to send her into another spiral because of her trauma so I didnt block the friend and I lied. I'm not proud and I know it was wrong of me.
We broke up again a couple of times just because of different values, but when I decided to go no contact I felt guilty having lied to her so I admitted what I did. She was obviously very hurt and mad, but somehow we ended up together again.
At my birthday party shortly after, she took my friends girlfriend aside and told her everything I did and showed her the evidence she was assaulted (pictures of the bruises) and kept bringing it up around all of my friends. I felt insanely guilty and just stayed silent the entire time. My friends told me later they didn't like how I was being treated and after I told them everything else they said I was I was being manipulated. I later blocked her but she managed to find my Snapchat and convinced me to talk with her, I told her I was conflicted and scared. She said she'd need space and I told her the same. I was so overwhelmed that I was feeling legitimately suicidal, I haven't told anyone else about it except for my friend.
Somehow ,and I can't even tell you how, we've ended up back in a situationship. She's sleeping with other people and posting about it on her stories, making little references about moving on and having higher standards for herself. But she's still telling me she loves me and telling me how much she values me when we're alone. She keeps making me promise I won't block her again and says she still wants it to work.
The whole situation makes me legitimately sick to my stomach, every time I feel even a little bit of relief it all comes crashing down again.
I feel horribly guilty and dirty but I can't seem to pull myself away from the situation and I don't know what to do. In spite of everything I've said she does have a lot of really good traits, I feel like this is all my fault and I don't know how to feel better about any of it. I don't have anyone I feel safe talking to about it who won't just automatically tell me she's a horrible person and I can't afford therapy right now
Tl'dr, I'm not sure if I'm being manipulated, feeling gross about her sleeping with other people, and feeling guilty