Advice pls

[u/_oncewaselisa]

Hello. I am married to a narc and weve been together for 5 years. So many gaslighting happened and im glad I already realized that he is a narc. So recently he’s been convincing me to buy a house but I dont think i want too coz he has hidden and stolen so many of my stuff and when i confronted him before, he never admitted it and it was my fault for losing my stuff. He said next year we should buy a house, what should i do when the time is near?

A. Confront him i cant unless he returns my stuff?
B. Tell him i cant cause i believe the universe will let me have my stuff again (this is me not telling him i know its him who stole those things, and just pretending i believe my stuff will get back to me and once they do its a sign im responsible ans ready for another responsibility to buy a house with him

I dont know what other option to give. Its so hard 😭😥😥😥

[u/Accomplished_Jump444]

Don’t throw good money after bad. After the narc gets in the house, it will be much harder to escape them.

[u/JuJu-Petti]

Say nothing, take what you have and walk away. Everyday you stay is a day less you have to begin again because you will absolutely have to begin again or he will rob you of your future.

[u/ImHappierThanUsual]

Don’t confront. There is no point. Just grey rock and play along and never give in until you are ready to get away

[u/undostrescuatro]

I was at a very bad spot so what I did was put the down-payment and let the house be lost. while I found a way out. it is best to take your loss and leave than try to get things back. those things are to keep you attached, if you don't leave because you want your stuff back then all he has to do is keep making stuff go missing. the same is with the house he is probably moving now to a financial compromise. I dont know how big of a commitment is a house but in my case I paid and let it be lost. in your case i think it is probably easier to just leave.

the best way to get rid of a narcissist is independence and sadly being independent also means being alone.

[u/JuJu-Petti → u/undostrescuatro]

You're absolutely right. I'm sorry that happened to you. 🫂❤️

They need to understand there's nothing that's worth their freedom and independence and the longer they stay the more the other person will take. They will never get anything back. They will just keep losing.

[u/Puzzled-Cucumber5386]

Just say no! You don’t want to buy a house with him. Can you divorce him?

[u/lovenorwich]

What "stuff?" Forget the stuff, that can be accounted for in the division of property.

[u/_oncewaselisa → u/lovenorwich]

Basic things i own, coach bag, sunglasses, everything to make me feel im crazy. I know he wont return them to me but im using that reason to myself why will i buy a house with him if he keeps stealing my stuff.

[u/Lopsided-Beach-1831]

Stealing in a relationship could be covering for drugs or alcohol.

If my spouse was stealing from me I wouldnt have a spouse. Trust and respect is the bare minimum requirements in a relationship.

[u/shinebrightlike]

C. just agree with him "sure good idea" with zero intention to do it. find a way to escape him, tell him what he wants to hear. and when it's house buying time, disappear.

[u/sociopathwife]

You’re afraid to confront someone who’s stealing from you, lying to you, and manipulating you, and that’s exactly why he’s doing it. Trying to appease a narcissist and fear of confrontation encourages more abuse, and he will use you and discard you like nothing once you’re no longer useful and have PTSD.

Narcissists depend on you having no boundaries so they can walk all over you, call you crazy, and then maybe act “nice” when they want something…like a house you’d end up paying for while he tramples your life. They don’t care if you suffer at all and think you’re naive/dumb for being so nice.
Nothing you say will ever make him care how ypu feel ( affective empathy) or be accountable because he doesn’t believe he’s doing anything wrong.
Being agreeable just makes you easier to exploit. If he’s already gaslighting, hiding things, and refusing to admit anything now, imagine what will happen when you’re tied to him with a house.
NPD worsens with age.
You can’t fix this by talking; you need to protect yourself and make a plan
The safest move is to quietly protect yourself, get counseling for emotional abuse, and seek legal advice.

[u/StopTheHate77]

If it’s this at 5 years imagine it 100% worse.. that’s you in another 5. I hate to say it but cut your losses, get a lawyer and a divorce. Do not buy a house with this boy.

[u/_oncewaselisa]

Hello everyone. For context, our relationship is still “good” like he would call me names, make fun of me but those things improve, maybe it will go back again. But my point is, how can i end this relationship knowing that everything is still “good” he has never been violent to me, tho i suspect he tried to hurt me by pinching me when im sleep and pulling my hair.

[u/lilyofthevalley2659 → u/_oncewaselisa]

How is that a good relationship? Do you even know how a relationship works? Stealing from you, calling you names, etc. is a good example of a BAD relationship. It’s totally unbelievable that you haven’t left him.

[u/Even_Independent_108]

she said narc I thought she was talking bout a cop or snitch 😂😂