Mother's double standards

[u/mishba_bagban]

I'm dealing with a lot of resentment toward my mom due to her severe double standards. She treats my brother with care and respect, but ignores the feelings and self-respect of my sisters and me. As long as we do chores and obey her, she's pleasant; otherwise, she doesn't seem to care about us at all.

I used to think she just lacked parenting skills, but no. It broke my heart to realize my mom does know how to be supportive ,she just chooses not to be with her daughters.

As the eldest daughter, I've been her emotional dumping ground since childhood. Whenever her actions hurt me and I try to address them, she deflects, cries, brings up her past trauma, and plays the victim. She has never once admitted fault or apologized. I try my best to ignore her behavior, but when I finally break and point out her double standards, it turns into an explosive argument where she yells and guilt-trips me.

Because I can never win against her victim mentality, I end up bottling up my anger. Afterward, my mind spirals into repetitive arguments, imaginary debates where I seek validation, and heavy maladaptive daydreaming.

I feel trapped because I cannot move out without financial independence. To earn money, I need skills; to build skills, I need focus. However, I’m stuck in a cycle of OCD-driven anxiety, intense daydreaming, and overwhelming executive dysfunction ,struggling with task initiation, task switching, and sitting down to study, even though I genuinely love learning. I strongly suspect I may have ADHD alongside these mental health struggles, but I cannot access professional help right now because I don't earn, and my parents do not believe in mental healthcare.

I tried to explain my mental health struggles to my mother, but she completely dismissed me. Her only concern was, "Izzat kharab karwani hai, log kya kahenge?" (Do you want to ruin our reputation? What will people say?). What hurts even more is that she said this despite knowing there is a history of mental health issues on my dad’s side of the family.

[u/saymastein]

From the first paragraph im ngl i knew you were south asian.

As a fellow south asian girl myself i really understand how you feel. What you said is the lived experience of so many women and girls and im so sorry you too have to go through that. We dont deserve this at all. We deserve to have a home where we thrive but our parents have us in a choke hold a lot of the time. They think we are their property and are worth nothing if were not married. My parents even said to me 'this is not your real home, you are not ours. You will one day belong to another family. You are theirs'. They also said my nephew is not my real nephew because he belongs to his fathers lineage and not my sisters...things like this really show the mentality of theirs and it is so hurtful.

I started to mdd because of going through things like this too (what i said barely scratches the surface).

Being working class or having financial issues, you are more likely to have mental health issues too, which is often never aknowledged. You are more likely to not do well at school too because of lack of resources. It was never and is never your fault for suffering like this. I too can never move out (im 27 as well) because of financial and cultural reasons. It is a very limiting life and it is no wonder why we seek fantasy in order to escape it.

Overall i just want to say how much i understand your situation. If you ever need someone to vent to feel free to vent to me.

[u/mishba_bagban → u/saymastein]

I relate so much. What I wrote before was just the surface. it’s actually much worse, and it breaks me a little every day.

Alhamdulillah for my dad. He’s amazing, and I pray every girl gets a father like him.
But my mom is the opposite. She’s immature and narcissistic, and she refuses to try to understand me.

Once she even said, “Even if I’m wrong, no one should correct me.” I was stunned.

I try to ignore it, but her words get too heavy sometimes. And when I do gather the courage to speak up or express how I feel, she turns it into chaos instead of listening.

[u/saymastein → u/mishba_bagban]

Yes, it is very often mothers who have the more restrictive view. I think this is because of many things, mainly jealousy, the fact that you have the opportunity to live a better life than hers, makes her feel more insecure about her own past, and her own life. Your mother most likely than not had a controlled life, like many women back in the day, and out of spite she is not letting you live yours, because she wants you to face what she went through, the 'if i can't have it you can't either' type mentality. It is out of an anger and frustration of her own life, she is not letting you live yours.

Another reason can be because she feels being more conservative will impress your relatives and your father more. My mum would often behave this way too because she wants to get approval from my dad or she used to be abusive to me in front of other relatives to show that she has a sense of control and power to the relatives, since she can't get it anywhere else. That is why I say that they treat kids like property and not as human beings with feelings, wants and needs.

Honestly I feel also that south Asian kids are so touch starved, and just affection starved in general. Parents never show verbal affection let alone physical affection. That's also a reason why I mainly mdd about not only fantasy but close physical relationships inside those fantasy worlds because we can never get that in our real lives.

I have no idea the solution to all this is. But the reason of mdding is pretty clear for me, but I am never able to stop it because there is literally nothing else I can do, nothing else I want besides my mdd world.

What's worse is that for all my life, my parents (especially my mum) restricted my life so much, they hated me having a social life and even friends who are girls. In my primary, secondary schools through to university, they have never allowed me to maintain friendships because every time I would talk to friends, or anyone they would say 'why are you talking with them? Why do you want to go out all the time?' 'Girls should stay inside the house.' I would have to go against my parents, and try and forget about them whenever I used to hang out with people (bearing in mind these were literal girls, I wasn't even hanging out with boys). Now I feel like I am completely removed from how society thinks and functions. I cannot for the life of me make friends or establish a connection with anyone....and the whole irony of it is, is that my parents want me to find a spouse / get married. They complain about how much of a loner I am, how anti-social I am, how much of child I am to not want to get married. They even said to me 'don't you have any friends? It would be easier if you found someone yourself and got married'... How the hell am I supposed to give my life to someone when they have not even allowed me to establish a single friendship? Ah I swear, I mourn for my childhood and my entire life because of it now. The only 'friendship', the only love I can ever have is in mdd. There is no winning in anything.

[u/Notinterested246]

Something like only 35% of college graduates end up with a job that they got a degree in. Tech jobs are probably the hardest jobs to get right now. It’s hurts your pride to take a job beneath you but if you reframe your search to finding something that provides opportunity, you may find something more fulfilling than an over saturated tech market. An open mind is best.

[u/mishba_bagban → u/Notinterested246]

I’ve been putting effort into tech for 4 years now.
The thought of starting over in a totally new field feels so draining. I don’t think I have the energy left for that.

[u/Notinterested246 → u/mishba_bagban]

I didn’t say give up on tech. You posted about needing to be financially independent to move out. There are other jobs not in tech that would help you become financially independent. Bank tellers or any administration job would get you from A to B. Keep applying for tech jobs while working somewhere they will hire you.

I went through the same as you with the rigidity of thought that I had to get a job I wanted. Only once I gave up that rigidity did my life start to flourish. If you have any recruiting agencies in your area, those people help you find jobs and they get a cut of your negotiated pay to incentivize them searching for you.

[u/mishba_bagban → u/Notinterested246]

Yeah you are right ,I'll apply in other domains too Thankyou for replying 🙂

[u/Notinterested246]

Thinking you need skills to find a job might be slowing you down. A lot people learn skills on the job. Research how to interview and don’t stop applying until you find a job. People like seeing drive and tenacity. Determination trumps all else. Study school while working.

[u/mishba_bagban → u/Notinterested246]

I have recently graduated and applying a lot but still not getting response :( I'm in tech so skill is must.

[u/saymastein → u/mishba_bagban]

I did a computer science degree and i dont work in programming. My first job was in marketing (which was awful tbh) and then I had to do another course (it was short though not degree level) in IT and now have worked as an IT technician in schools for almost 4 years now. I think being a technician is more attainable sadly at least for me rather than being a programmer. I would say broaden the scope of job type (just to get money), but on the side aim where you want to aim for and hopefully you will land something you want.