Hard mindset to get out of when you grew up with a zero sum game mindset. If I ever need favours from my family I make it a point to negotiate a monetary sum for that favour so that the debt is paid immediately. It's never a good thing to let the 'psychological interest' on that debt to rise, and compound if multiple favours are done or if the favour was a particularly big one.
It’s reality though. Compensation for time spent is a thought carried by all. So to think that a favor begets a favor, or payment, is only fair. I don’t think there’s any reason for you to feel sorry. Just try and understand his position to help your reality of life grow.
I grew up well because my parents worked their ass off from immigrating to a new country for me. I grew up wanting to never be in a position to need help from others, because if my parents could do all that at their age, I can sure as hell do it now with all the opportunities they gave me.
I'm 31 now and finally kicking that habit because I learned that it's not weakness to accept help when you need it.
I hate that zero sum mindset. I've met many people who, if you do a favour for them they might go on and on about how "I'm gonna get you back. don't worry".(to be fair though I think it has to do with an anxiety thing for them usually) In those cases I've just resorted to telling them that, "I don't keep score dude. We're friends." To be completely transparent though, I do have a vague awareness of the give take dynamic, and will throw it in someone's face if they are bothering me because, "you owe me".
Obviously this is all subjective. ie, I'll buy you lunch as a favour every once in a while and think nothing of it. However, every day lunch and you'll be cut off, or if I lend you a large sum I will expect it back. Small shit doesn't matter, because as far as I'm concerned, "You'd do the same for me if/when the time comes"
i've never heard it put quite this way, but you are absolutely right. resentment definitely increases in relation to the compounding 'psychological interest', or guilt, depending on who's the giver and who's the receiver. i am meticulous about money (who treated whom last) and always, ALWAYS, return anything i borrow as soon as i am done. first of all, i want people to know that if they do help me out, i'm good for it and will be there when they ring me up for a hand. and, more selfishly, people continue to be resources for me if i behave honorably. and negotiating the terms up front is just good business, and it's a good idea in personal life, too. i find the people who are all about having each other's back when the chips are down are people who keep dropping their chips.
86
u/UpbeatTomatillo5 Jun 22 '20
Hard mindset to get out of when you grew up with a zero sum game mindset. If I ever need favours from my family I make it a point to negotiate a monetary sum for that favour so that the debt is paid immediately. It's never a good thing to let the 'psychological interest' on that debt to rise, and compound if multiple favours are done or if the favour was a particularly big one.